(So as I wrote this I realized it would be obnoxiously long, so I apologize in advance and thank you for reading.)
The idea of a name change has been rattling around in my head since I was 11 or 12 (I’m 21 now). [name_f]My[/name_f] first name is [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f], and while I know it’s a perfectly fine name, I’ve always felt a kind of disconnect from it. I see it written out and I’m like… is that actually my name? If I’m introducing myself to someone who has to write my name down I have to give my name as “Caitlin C-A-I-T-L-I-N”, and if I don’t do that, it always gets spelled wrong. Then I’ll get a “oh, that’s a different spelling!” or a joke about how there are a million different ways to spell it or whatever. I don’t even bother giving a spelling at Starbucks unless they ask; I just suck it up because it’s not the barista’s problem. But even my family members get it wrong, and so does my doctor’s office; my name is ‘Caitlyn’ on every prescription I get. Sometimes people will mishear it if we’re in a busy or crowded room, usually as [name_f]Kaylee[/name_f] or [name_f]Kayla[/name_f] or [name_f]Katie[/name_f]. I sound like I’m throwing a massive pity party here, but 21 years of this has probably contributed to feeling like my name isn’t really ‘mine’. Also, not to get into personal stuff, but the most important piece of this issue is that I have some very unpleasant memories associated with my name.
So obviously the question is what would I change it to? As far as criteria go, I’d like something with only one (max 2) commonly accepted spelling(s)/pronunciation(s) in English-speaking countries, that is (preferably) nickname-able, and that works well in a professional environment (as in has some gravitas, I guess). Not a name you would do a double take over. I have a somewhat complicated and rare hyphenated last name (as in I would definitely doxx myself if I shared it), and I want to keep it, so the first name should be fairly simple. I also want to keep my middle name, [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]. I might keep [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] as a middle name as well.
Some that I’ve thought of:
[name_f]Kate[/name_f]: The easiest option. [name_f]My[/name_f] legal name would be [name_f]Kate[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]. I’ve always preferred [name_f]Kate[/name_f] to [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] and feel much more connected to it. I get a little thrill whenever someone calls me [name_f]Kate[/name_f], even though people don’t do it often.
[name_f]Emma[/name_f]: I absolutely adore [name_f]Emma[/name_f]. It was my mom’s runner-up for me. I also feel extremely connected to this one and have always thought of it as the “perfect” name. If I went for this, my name would be [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] or maybe [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]. There are quite a few people my age called [name_f]Emma[/name_f] where I live, but that doesn’t really bother me.
[name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]: I would swap names and be [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f]. This would also be a relatively easy switch but I don’t know whether I like this one as much as a first name (I love it as a middle). I knew an [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] who turned me off of it a little.
[name_f]Lucy[/name_f]: This is a bit of a dark horse, but I like it a lot and think it suits me really well. I like the historical connections too.
I would absolutely love to hear all of your thoughts on these names (and other ideas if any happen to pop into your head). Also, if anyone has any experience with a name change (good or bad), I’d love to hear that too. Ultimately I know this is not a decision to be made lightly or on a whim and it can only be done once, so I want to make sure I know what I’m getting into and that I’m 100% sure of whatever choice I make.
Anyway, thanks for giving me the space to express this! It felt really good to write it all out. And of course, I appreciate any and all advice.
Honestly as I was reading this before I got to where you shared your name ideas the first name that popped into my mind for you was [name_f]Emma[/name_f] or [name_f]Emily[/name_f]. So I think that’s a good option. [name_u]Or[/name_u] [name_f]Kate[/name_f] is also a great option since it would still be connected to your given name but would make you feel better.
I am also in the process of selecting a legal name for myself. [name_f]My[/name_f] legal first name, which shall remained unmentioned, is also an unmitigated spelling and pronunciation disaster! I am going to use [name_f]Emma[/name_f] as either a first or middle name. I have considered [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Kate[/name_f] as a combo for me. Have you considered Katherine/Catherine or another foreign variant of the name [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] as a possible middle name? [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] sounds nice, and you could add [name_f]Kate[/name_f] as a middle name. If you feel connected to a name , use it! That is my primary “rule” I have discovered. You should feel both connected and secure in the names that you ultimately select for yourself.
[name_f]My[/name_f] first though before reading the whole post was [name_f]Emily[/name_f].
You could be [name_f]Emily[/name_f] [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] …
With [name_f]Emily[/name_f] you could still go by [name_f]Emma[/name_f], [name_f]Em[/name_f], [name_f]Emmy[/name_f], or [name_f]Emily[/name_f]
Thank you so much! [name_f]Glad[/name_f] to come across someone else going through the same experience, although not so great that your name has caused you grief as well. I’ve definitely considered using a [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] variant as a middle but I’m thinking that keeping [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] in the middle spot might help make the transition smoother for my parents. Although I have to say that I am loving [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Kate[/name_f].
Also, I absolutely love your advice about feeling connected. That really should be the primary concern.
I hope you come to a decision that you’re super happy with as well! [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Kate[/name_f] is gorgeous, for what it’s worth!
[name_f]Emily[/name_f] has occurred to me, but it’s the name of a cousin I see fairly often and I think it would get a little confusing unfortunately. Absolutely love the nicknames [name_f]Em[/name_f] and [name_f]Emmy[/name_f] though and could definitely see myself using them!
[name_m]Hi[/name_m], I do feel for you in this as I have long wanted to change my first name - and I’m a lot older than you! [name_f]My[/name_f] compromise has been to use a variation that I love of my given name as my professional name. I’m still my birth name in everyday life, and I’m too old for that to change. So I admire that you want to change at this point and would encourage you to go ahead. I wish I had actually officially made the change years ago.
I think all the names on your list are great names - [name_f]Kate[/name_f], [name_f]Emma[/name_f], [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] and [name_f]Lucy[/name_f].
I would cross off [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] though as you don’t seem to have the strong feeling that this could be you that you have with the others. I would also keep either [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] or [name_f]Kate[/name_f] as a middle if you use [name_f]Emma[/name_f] or [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] - [name_f]Emma[/name_f] Caitlin/Kate [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] or [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] Caitlin/Kate [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f].
[name_f]Kate[/name_f] has the advantage of being a variant of [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f]. You could in fact just go by [name_f]Kate[/name_f] or [name_f]Cate[/name_f] as a short form of [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] and not change officially. You love it and it feels like you.
[name_f]Emma[/name_f] feels like you too and your mum almost chose it. [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] is a gorgeous dark horse. I’m not much help here but can’t choose between [name_f]Kate[/name_f], [name_f]Emma[/name_f] and [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] - all such great names. Maybe you could practise for a bit with each one - ie ordering coffees and having deliveries etc - to see how much you like the look and sound.
@Araminty I really appreciate all of your advice and insight! That’s the thing - I don’t want to regret doing it, but I don’t want to regret not doing it either. I really like the idea of using it for orders and things like that to - as you say - get a feel for whether I like how they feel for me.
I agree about [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]. Honestly I went back and forth over putting it on the list at all. [name_f]My[/name_f] feelings may change but as of right now I love it as a middle but just can’t see it as a first.
I like [name_f]Kate[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] or [name_f]Emma[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Kate[/name_f] the best out of your combos, but these are all great names that will be easy to spell & pronounce. It’s really just a matter of finding which one feels right to you.
I think you should try going by your new name for a few months before making it official. Not just for coffee orders, but in regular daily life. Maybe you could find a way to join a new group of people & introduce yourself with your new name. For example - join a club, start taking fitness classes at a new gym, or even getting a part-time job. Somewhere that nobody knows you as [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f], so they will just know you as [name_f]Kate[/name_f], [name_f]Emma[/name_f], or [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]. Then you can see how it feels like to go by your new name without immediately dealing with the awkwardness of explaining the name change to people who already know you as [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f].
I actually had a coworker once who did something similar. Her name was [name_f]Alyssa[/name_f], but she had gone by [name_u]Blair[/name_u] at her previous job. She ended up deciding to keep the name [name_f]Alyssa[/name_f] (what I knew her as), but her boyfriend & some close friends would call her [name_u]Blair[/name_u] as a nickname.
Thanks for sharing this with us. Given that this is your one (probably) chance to get this right, my advice is to choose a name that makes you feel happy inside – that sparks joy, if you will. It sounds as if both Kate and Emma do that for you. I wouldn’t look any further – there are so many thousands of names out there, you’ll start to go crazy if you try too many on for size, and what you’re looking for is that gut feeling of rightness that you’ve already found.
So the real choice to me is between Kate and Emma. Here’s my suggestion. Start with Kate. It’s an easy change – lots of Caitlins are called Kate. Just tell people that’s what you want to be called, introduce yourself as Kate, try that on for some period of time – it takes a while to get used to a new name, even when you so want to change.
So maybe…six months? See how it feels. Do you feel good every time you say the name? Does it feel like your “real” name? How often do you feel uncertain? How much are you still pining for Emma?
If at the end of six months it doesn’t feel right, then go for Emma, assuming you still love it. Some people will criticize you – you’re changing your name AGAIN? You have to expect that and not get too upset or let them argue you out of it. If they’re going to ridicule you or refuse to use your new name, that’s disrespectful – tell them it’s very important to you and calmly ask them to please get on board. If someone were coming out or going through a gender transition today, most people would be accepting and supportive and it should be the same with changing your name.
I’d love it if you’d write a blog for us on this topic, if you’re comfortable. Maybe once you settle in with your new name. Please do get in touch with @katinka or me at pam@nameberry.com if you’d like to do this – I’m sure a lot of people will be interested in your story.
Go for easy! You already like being called [name_f]Kate[/name_f] so it makes sense.
Word of warning though Im guessing [name_f]Kate[/name_f] will still get misheard. As a full time nickname [name_f]Katie[/name_f] I do sometimes get misheard as being [name_f]Kate[/name_f], or other names. [name_m]Alas[/name_m], no name is perfect.
Those baristas spell things crazy on purpose. Im sure of it!
Also if you don’t eventually legally change your name you will still be called [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f] in airports, at doctors offices, anywhere someone just has your ID to go by. Maybe this will majorly bother you? Anyway just something to think about.
I would nix [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] as a first since then everyone might try to nickname you!
I don’t want to keep bumping the thread too much but want to give a huge additional thanks to @Sadie307, @Greyblue, @pam, @Bonfire_Eclipse, and @hellobanjo !!! You’ve all given me a lot to think about and fantastic ideas to try out to ease into this change. [name_f]Pam[/name_f], I’ll definitely be taking your advice about trying [name_f]Kate[/name_f] out first. If this works out I would be very happy to write a blog post about it if it’s something people would be interested in.
Thanks @thefaeriequeene – let us know how it goes! [name_f]My[/name_f] experience with this is changing from my married last name back to my original name, [name_m]Redmond[/name_m]. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though I was sure I wanted to do it, it took forever to get all my documents aligned, to get people calling me by the “right” name, but more importantly, to start feeling comfortable with a new name myself. Now I’m so glad I went through all that because I’m so much happier living with what feels like my “real” name. But it was a lot more difficult to get there than I would have guessed. So I think the message there is: It might be tough but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing. It’s going to take time.