I have a terrible dilemma I’m hoping you can help me with. My really good friend from high school is pregnant 8 weeks ahead of me (we see each other about once a month or every 2 months). We are both pregnant with girls. This is her first and my third.
The problem is they are deciding between two names: [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] and [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f]. My husband and I have pretty much chosen (about 90%) on [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f]. We have not told anyone our name.
Now I am very realistic when it comes to names – I don’t own the name, I don’t care who uses the same name as me, it’s a non-issue with me. However, I am terrified to talk to her about it, and if she chooses the name [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], I’m stressing on whether or not we can use it too? I know some women (esp FTM’s) can be crazy about names and I’ve actually lost a friend over a name with my first – what would you do??? Use the name, or try to find another?? Talk to her before she has the baby, or wait and see if I even need to??
Well… say to your friend that you are pretty certain that your little girl is going to be [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f]. She will probably give up on the name. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t be afraid: if she’s really your friend, she’s going to keep your friendship even if she gets angry.
IDEAS: if everything goes wrong
[name_f]Lenora[/name_f] (though, pretty obvious)
[name_f]Helena[/name_f]
[name_f]Ellen[/name_f]
[name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] (from your list)
[name_f]Josephine[/name_f]
[name_f]Aurora[/name_f]
I’d talk to her about it. That way if she has a problem with the kids having the same name, they might start leaning more and more towards [name_f]Adeline[/name_f]. Personally if a good friend that I saw regularly came to me and said they had decided on a name that I was contemplating, I’d ditch the name and let them use it. I’d find it a bit weird if my friend didn’t say anything and just used the same name I had just used. Not in a way that no one can ever use the same name as I, but I have thought about the names a lot and tried to find something that hadn’t already been used by my immediate family or by close friends.
This is a tough one. I am not sure what the naming-etiquette is in these situations. Most people I know keep their name choices a secret until birth, maybe for this very reason? I personally would wait, maybe they’ll choose [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] or a nickname for [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] like [name_f]Ella[/name_f] or [name_f]Nora[/name_f] or something different entirely once the baby is born. No point stressing now, see what happens first then you can think about broaching a possible conversation about it. Two months is still long enough to contemplate the name you will give your baby.
I’d let her know…it probably would have been better to mention it the first time she said she was considering it, but now I’d just honestly say you felt awkward telling her earlier, but you think she should know you and your husband have planned on using [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] a long time (and keeping the name a surprise). Tell her you don’t care if she uses it, too, but you don’t want to surprise her by naming your DD the same as her 2 month old.
If I were you, I’d use any name you love best … regardless. [name_u]True[/name_u] friendships will endure.
Sharing your love for the name [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] can actually make it more appealing to your friend, so I feel the wisest thing to do is remain silent. Chances are good that, in the end, she’ll use [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] or something different altogether.
I would be frustrated if a friend used the same name I’d chosen two months later, but much more so if she then said she’d been thinking of it all along without telling me. Copying names can be inconsiderate, but it seems like a far greater breach of trust if she’s been open with you about the names she’s considering and you never said anything until it’s too late for her to change her plan. If she feels at all disappointed about it, better to have that out now than after you’ve both finalized birth certificates.
If you have DEFINITELY settled on [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], you should let your friend know, preferably BEFORE she decides on [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f]. That way, if you choose to name your daughter [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] even after she names hers [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], she cannot reasonably be angry at you. If she chooses to name her daughter [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] because you intend to name yours [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], you should feel somewhat obliged to name your daughter [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] even if you prefer a different name after [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] was born. I would use [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] if I were you, whether or not your friend names her daughter [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] or [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], but the decision ultimately comes down to how your friend feels about it, what name your friend chooses in the end and what you feel like when the time comes to actually name the child.
I’m gonna be honest here. If I were your friend, I would find it really weird that you didnt mention your love for the name right away. And if she’s aware of the other friend you lost over naming issues, it’s going to look even more strange. It might seem like you’re doing it on purpose. At this point, I think you should let her decide, and if she picks [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], choose a different name. You had a chance to jump on the name as soon as she mentioned it, but you didnt say anything, and from an outsiders perspective, it seems like you’re copying. And yes, i totally get you on the ftm thing. Naming is super special as Im sure you remember.
I would talk to your friend, and see how she feels, but ultimately it is your baby and your choice. If you both love the same name, there is no need for war - you should both be able to use it in peace and enjoy it. We have a few repeated names in my family and it has never had any bad side effects. Also, my partner’s brother’s little boy shares his name with our current list of favorites and no body minds. We all respect each other’s likes and decisions.
I would say to your friend that you have some really exciting news and that you have settled on the name [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] and your happy with that choice. If she’s your true friend she should be happy for you and could potentially sway her more towards [name_f]Adeline[/name_f] especially as she’s currently choosing between two names.
I would definitely talk to her about it. If you both choose [name_f]Eleanore[/name_f] I would discuss nicknames, hash out who wants to use what nickname especially for when they are together. But personally I don’t see why you both can’t use the same name.
I would tell her in case she is thinking about it as well. I doubt she would use the name as well if you are. If not, she might secretly have chosen it as well. I wouldn’t be worried about it though.
It honestly just depends on a couple of different variables. [name_m]How[/name_m] attached is she to [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f]? [name_m]How[/name_m] attached are you? I’ll be honest, FI and I have pretty much settled on [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f] and [name_f]Daphne[/name_f]. My top pick is [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f], his is [name_f]Daphne[/name_f], and while I’m always on the hunt for something other than [name_f]Daphne[/name_f], I’m 100% certain that if we have two girls they will be [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f] and [name_f]Daphne[/name_f]. Now, we both have decided that we will wait until our first child is born to see what she looks like more, but to me, those two are our names. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if we don’t use one right away, I would be devastated if a close friend of mine used [name_f]Daphne[/name_f] or [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f] first. Now, it may not be the most logical of reactions, but it’s the honest one that I feel. If either of you feel this way about [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], you need to speak up immediately.
Honestly, you should have spoken up the moment she mentioned it, because the longer you let it go, the longer she falls in love with this name, the more devastating it will be if she feels like she has to bow out of the name. If I told a close friend of mine that I planned on using [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f] and she gives birth before me and names her daughter [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f]…I’d be more than angry and it would definitely ruin the friendship. The moment she brought up the name and you stayed silent, she kind of staked a claim to it. Had you spoken up then and said it was also your first choice, it may have caused either of you to go towards another name, gauging either reaction, but your silence implied that she was free to choose it without complication.
Basically, I would tell her ASAP and say that you and your husband have had this name in consideration for a while and you are 90% certain you will be using it for your daughter, but that you are okay with “sharing.” You also must be ready for whatever reaction she has, as not everyone can just turn off emotionally when it comes to stuff like this.
I have to be honest. You should have spoke up then and there. Did she tell you this personally or did you find out by means of a third party/ social media?
If I were your friend, I can’t say I’d be mad or indifferent, but I certainly would be confused. I’d feel like you took my name. Not because you are picking the same name, but more so because you didn’t say anything when I shared with you.
In all honesty, were you at 90 percent certainty when she shared this or did her picking the name make you like it all the more?
Either way-the name, of course, is still useable for both girls- but you have to handle the situation with tact.
(My husband and I, are not yet TTC, but our names are settled on, set in stone and all honor family. Not popularity, cultural associations or close friends using them will dissuade me. )If I were in your situation, I simply would pull the said friend aside and say," this is what we are planning and this is why. I personally love that our children might share ‘said name’, but I just didn’t want you to be taken aback, as short of the gender being wrong this is our decided upon name."
[name_m]Just[/name_m] tell her you felt conflicted about how to tell her at first-but have to say something now.
I wouldn’t worry too much about not having mentioned anything thus far. Names are a private thing between couples for many people, and I don’t think you “lay claim” to a name by having it in your top two (or even by using it!). Nearly everyone shares their name with all kinds of people. We have numerous doubles within my very close-knit extended family and it’s never posed any problem.
I would bring it up before the babies are born, but only if you are 100% sure of using [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f], rather than 90%. If she decides against [name_f]Eleanor[/name_f] because of you, and then you end up changing your mind at the last minute, that’s not going to sit very well. And, if she’s trying to make a decision between two names, and is trying to factor in the likelihood, but not certainty, that you will use the name, that’s very tricky. If you’re not really sure, it’s not worth putting her in that position.