I’m 26 years old. Recently, I heard the clock ticking and it keeps getting louder. I’m scared I’ll lose out on the opportunity to have a child because I don’t want the complications and fleeting closeness of a partner. Finding a partner that lasts is so rare, and not everyone gets it. I just want to give everything to a baby of my own. It’s all I’ve been thinking about, researching anonymous sperm donors, and home-insemination kits. I can’t say I’m not worried about the social stigma of it, but… A few weeks ago, I felt something inside me that I can’t un-feel. It’s so strong it scares me, but I’m eager to do it. I feel like I’ve already made a decision and maybe I’m listening to my body to quickly. It’s hormones, and female brain, I don’t know. So, here I am, reaching out to a Mom community to hear your thoughts.
I would recommend discussing this in person with a therapist if there’s no one in your life that you feel you can confide in.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] you know anyone who is a single mom? Perhaps ask them what it’s like. Having a baby is stressful, even with a partner, so you’ll want to make absolutely sure you’re willing to take on that responsibility by yourself
Of course it’s your choice to make and nobody else’s, but I think it depends on your circumstances. Is your financial situation stable enough? But the most important thing, in my opinion, is your support network. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you have people around who want to and are able to help out with the baby, like parents, siblings, good friends…? It’s incredibly hard to raise a child without a proper support network even as a couple, let alone as a single parent.
If this is your decision, I totally support you deciding to do this for yourself!
However, I would echo the previous posters. Kids are tough sometimes. Daycare alone can be a challenge. I’ll give you a few examples. First you have to find affordable/available daycare whose hours work with yours. It you work a typical 8/8.5 hour day, plus commute, your baby could be at daycare for 10 hours a day. That’s a long time. I know most parents, myself included, have a nice routine where one parent drops the baby off and one parent picks the baby up and with different work hours, the baby might only be at daycare for 6/7 hours. Like us - my husband takes our daughter to daycare at 10 am and I pick her up at 4:30, this means she’s not always at daycare and we get to see her more.
Second example - daycare’s typically take vacations. Ours takes 2 weeks every year, plus the major holidays and random holidays. ([name_m]Columbus[/name_m] day, Good Friday). If you don’t have a job that will support that much time off, then you have to have a support system that will help you. This is not even including the sick days your baby will have. Daycare typically won’t let kids come with fever, pink eye, or even a cold. That means you might need 3 + weeks off of work every year.
Maybe you’ve considered all of this, and you have this already planned out. (Good for you!) These are just a few things that would be considerably harder with only one parent. With two parents, my husband and I can split sick days/vacation days and we have a lot of family nearby that can help in a pinch.
I definitely don’t want to discourage you, it’s just something to think about!!
Hello from a fellow 26 years old who also considers being a single mom. I’ve known I want to be a mom since I was just a kid. And if only things worked out smoothly for me, I totally had no issue getting married young and probably have 1 or 2 kids already by now. But life says different and yes, it’s hard to find the right partner.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] I hear the clock ticking? Of course, I’ll be 27 later this year. No, it’s not like I’ll be 37 or 40, 27 is still a really good age for pregnancy and childbirth. But without a potential partner in sight, how many more years do I need to wait? On the other hand though, I also have other concerns that makes me delay it.
First off, finances. I’m not stable yet and I know that. I can support myself but adding a baby into the picture is a hell lot of more cost.
Second, like previous poster has mentioned, support system. I live on my own now. My family is an hour away… by plane. I have friends but it’s not like they can be present every time. So, I’ll be pretty much on my own and I know for sure it’ll be hard and lonely. Thirdly I do worry about the social stigma. But really, it’s a third. Finance and support system are my bigger concerns.
Have I given up on finding love? Not completely, although I admit I’m not always optimistic. Have I let go of the thought of just being a single mom? Also no. It’s still somewhere in the alternative list. I just keep it as a future possibility because I know it’s difficult and I am not ready.
Anyway, you’re the one who knows whether you’ll be ready or not. And if you’re not, it doesn’t hurt to wait a bit. If you really believe you’re ready, well, good luck.
Only you can really decide if that is the right path for you.
I was not married until I 28 and now we are expecting our first child at 30. Like you I started to get nervous once I passed 25 with no serious relationships in sight and had to start considering what I really wanted in my future. And while I had ALWAYS imagined myself having kids and being a mother. I knew the life I wanted for my children I could only provide if I had a partner to help me rear them. I wanted to be able to be there for their first steps& words, take them to ballet recitals, soccer games, go to parent teacher conferences, be able to pick them up from school when they’re sick etc. And what was really important to me was just their main care giver 99% of the time was from a parent and not daycare or babysitter (not that those are bad choices, I know many amazing parents who regularly employ daycare centers or babysitters on a daily basis)
So really its all about what you want and what you can provide
I’m turning 25 in a few days and I’ve been thinking about this as well. I am definitely not ready just yet, but it is something I’m preparing for. I agree with pps that this is something you can really only decide for yourself. Personally I am thinking about being a foster parent, but it is something I am going to discuss with a professional first.
I thought I might jump in, as I am in this situation. I’m 31 and I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant with a donor conceived child. I’m so excited to be having my little girl. I knew about 24 that this is the path I would probably end up going down, as I’ve never really had a serious relationship but always wanted a child.
It’s definitely not an easy path, but I know lots of single mother’s by choice (SMC) through online forums and they all say its well worth it. You are quite young so you still have time to think about it, but if you are looking for some advice or info, check out smcaustralia.org.au.
Personally if you do go down the donor path, I would highly recommend going through a fertility clinic. My clinic was great and my fertility specialist was lovely and supportive.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] whatever’s right for you.
It’ll be really really tough, and there’s bound to be some social stigma, but if you really want this and are worried that you’ll really regret not having kids, then go for it. I’ve got a couple of friends who am actually kind of hoping will go down this route because they talk about having kids in the future but don’t seem to be remotely interested in dating and I don’t want them to miss out if it’s something they really want!
[name_m]Don[/name_m]'t be frightened by your ‘clock ticking’ though, 26 is young these days! My Mum had her first at 35 and last (third) at 40, and that was back in the 80’s. I met my partner when I was 23 and he was 26, but with study and finances etc we’ve only just had our first now that I’m 32. At times I wanted kids earlier, but I’m so glad we waited… our relationship is in a much stronger place, we have our ‘own’ home (albeit with a huge mortgage!), he has a good job and I’ve found a career that I love.
I would think carefully about your support systems though like [name_f]Luneth[/name_f]'s mentioned. I’ve found the baby stage really hard and that’s with a really loving hands-on partner and being able to take loads of maternity leave. The lack of sleep and steep-learning curve about everything and just the intensity of someone relying on you to help them get to sleep (and stay asleep!), and for every feed, for every nappy, for all their social interaction and learning and bathing… phew.
Pregnancy doesn’t always go smoothly either, and it would be nice to know you have some really close friends who can be there or just listen to you if you go through miscarriage or bad morning sickness or a bub who’s not growing properly… and family/friends to really support during the newborn phase when you’ve quite possibly got stitches and no sleep and breastfeeding might not be working out. Was way harder than I’d expected.
That said, single mums do it somehow, and they get through OK!
No, personally, I don’t think that it’s a very good idea, but it is your choice. You need to think long and hard over what being a parent entails. Personally, I would wait about a year or so - (I would plan to have kids a little later than 26 anyway though), and then after this time had passed, I would see if I still wanted to do it. Also, things like this can be expensive, and procedures such as IVF or sperm donation don’t always work. You need to be prepared to be able to pay for the procedure, as well as the childcare. What do your friends say? Have they shared their opinions on this?