I’ve been trying to work this one out on my own, but I think I need to tap into your collective wisdom. It’s been 10 months (nearly 11) and I still have not warmed to the name we gave my second daughter, [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. I still struggle to say it, to introduce her, and I flinch internally when other people say it. For the longest time, I had no alternative, so I just sat with the discomfort, occasionally bringing it up with someone to see what they thought. I would talk about how it seemed to lack the warmth and cosiness of her sister Flora’s name and how it didn’t seem to match her incredibly sweet, calm, and contemplative personality.
Anyway, I have finally landed on a name that just seems to fit her perfectly: [name_f]Elsie[/name_f]. I’m clear that I like it better, it suits her better, and it makes me smile inside. But at nearly 11 months, I feel incredibly guilty for even thinking about changing her name. I feel sad for “Stella,” for the name and for the baby who has come to know it as her name, and for her family who know her by that name (including my 3-year-old, who is just a bit too young to understand name regret).
[name_f]My[/name_f] husband is willing to change it and likes the name Elsie—it’s actually a family name for him—but he is equally happy with [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. I’m not sure what I’m looking for at this point. [name_m]Courage[/name_m]? Compassion? [name_f]Clarity[/name_f]? Experiences? Did a parent change your name? Have you changed your child’s name?
For what it’s worth, I have spoken with my BDM office, and unfortunately, we can’t make a simple amendment; we would have to go through a full name change process, which I assume means she will always have to declare her original name.
Firstly , I think it’s important that you love your daughters name and it doesn’t give you the ick . While [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is a beautiful name it sounds like you have given it your all and it’s not for you.
Secondly : I personally have never changed my name ( except assuming my married name). I also am Canadian so I’m not sure what the process looks like in any other country ( assuming you don’t live in [name_f]Canada[/name_f] because I don’t know a BDM office). I have, however helped others change their name through my occupation
Third: I think [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] is a gorgeous name. I think it’s also close enough to [name_f]Stella[/name_f] that you may be able to start using it as a nickname , [name_f]Stella[/name_f] , [name_f]Ella[/name_f] , [name_f]Elsa[/name_f], [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] and see how you like it and how she responds to it. I don’t think 10 months is too old for a name change . But I do think it would be harder for [name_f]Flora[/name_f] … that way I think starting to transition the name to a “nickname” might be the easier route for some.
Thank you! Yes, this is actually how I came upon the name because I was calling her [name_f]Stella[/name_f] [name_f]Ella[/name_f] [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] as a pet name. We’ve been trying out just [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] the last few days and it gives me name euphoria every time I say it, but then I feel incredibly guilty about losing [name_f]Stella[/name_f] and have all this anticipatory shame about telling people we’re changing it. It’s such a torturous process.
Is there any way you’d just use Elsie as a nickname for Stella? Seems like a really smart and lowest risk option now that your daughter is over 6-7 months (the age babies start to properly internalise their name as theirs). Lowest risk in terms of any knock on effect for her identity but (and secondarily) also your own future regrets or angst about losing Stella (it sounds like you still have some attachment there). Elsie is a fab nickname for Stella, and means she always has Stella for anything super formal down the track (am relating this to my cousin Harry, who is always Harry but has Harrison on his formal documents, graduation certificates etc).
I would do this and if it turns out everyone’s using Elsie and the now-Elsie wants, at say age 12, permanently lose Stella, it’s her choice. Or you might do it for her if, in a few years, Stella just isn’t used and everyone’s happy. That’s how I would approach it. Means you’ll be gentler with the change including from using Stella to Ella- Els-Elsie. And it won’t have as many potential identity shocks for her or her sister. I do think you should change it, I’d just strongly consider this approach. It actually gives you the most control in the situation.
Edit: to add, don’t worry about anyone else. I mean, my approach makes it easier in a way because you can just start referring to her as Elsie when you’re speaking about her in person and text/email and people will clock on (and you can directly tell people who don’t). But no one will care enough for you not to do it. My brother changed my nephew’s name when he was around 2 months and he gets a little bit of family roasting about that about once every, say, two or three years but it’s a 2 mins joke to him, in context of him say getting annoyed at someone else’s indecision. It’s not about the name change itself, more my bro! Plus, I’m from a sh*t-talking family. My cousin’s name change at 12 (from one pronunciation to another) is never mentioned! Don’t let that teeny risk of an occasional comment lead to more months of uncertainty & discomfort with Stella.
I don’t know what the legal aspects would be where you live, but where I am the “needing to declare your original name” mainly applies in contexts where it’s relevant. For purposes like applying for a loan or job (unless it’s a “high security” job where they check your birth certificate) a name changed at your daughter’s age probably wouldn’t be relevant (if this question was being asked by an adult or maybe a teenager looking to change their name it’d be different) (source, source). Cases like where she applies for a passport, etc. where they have to check your birth record are of course different. (Also, since asking a trans person for their deadname essentially forces them to out themselves unless they changed from a gender-neutral name, people are generally becoming more cautious about asking for irrelevant former names.)
I think you’ve tried hard to like it and adjust to it, you’ve given it time to start to feel like her name but it still isn’t sitting right, it hasn’t got any easier to say.
While Elsie is obviously a different name, it keeps the el and the ‘s’ sound - definitely think it could be an easier transition because of that. I do like @EloiseT’s idea of keeping Stella on the birth certificate and using Elsie as a full-time nickname. You’d be able to tell schools/nurseries etc. that’s what she goes by, without the stress of changing it? Plenty of the students at the school I work at have preferred names that are different to their legal names (think along the lines of Amelia ‘Mae’, Rui Xiang “Zac”, Catherine ‘Wren’)
If you do go ahead and change it, I’d just make sure you keep a record for her of when it changed and make sure she knows! A slightly different situation but my surname was changed when I was about 8 and I do have to declare that on any forms/legal documents. I don’t see it as a big inconvenience tbh as usually it’s just another box I need to fill in
Last name changes may be different than first/middle name changes because (except for maybe someone trying to prevent disclosure of their national origin) there are not usually situations where being asked to provide a former last name would “out” someone (see my previous post about the transgender deadname issue).
[name_f]Elsie[/name_f] is so far from [name_f]Stella[/name_f] that her friends and family may call her [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] eventually but the rest of the world will always know her as [name_f]Stella[/name_f], and the name will always be tied to her if you don’t change it. I’d say go with something you love and the family will warm up to it.
You could totally use [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] as a nn for [name_f]Stella[/name_f]! It doesn’t fix the fact that you don’t love [name_f]Stella[/name_f] and that would still be her legal name. And it doesn’t fix the pain in the butt and awkwardness of explaining to everyone that you’ll be calling her [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] for now on. But at least you & your husband never have to call her [name_f]Stella[/name_f] again. And it’s likely that her big sis will catch on (Flora is such a pretty name!) Hopefully that compromise works for you, but if it still doesn’t feel right, go ahead & do the name change process. It’ll be worth it.
Also…I love [name_f]Stella[/name_f] (and probably [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] equally.) Some days I do feel like [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is too dramatic & then love it less. Then I remember that it means ‘star’ and that makes it lovable & charming again.
I like the idea of transitioning her nickname to [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] and keeping her legal name. [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] and [name_f]Stella[/name_f] share many similar sounds including their syllable count; I really think it works. [name_f]Stella[/name_f] will still be a part of her identity but you can call her by a very similar sounding name that you love to say.
I totally get what you mean about their vibes, and you know your baby’s personality. [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is spunky and sassy, and [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] feels sweet and down to [name_f]Earth[/name_f].
This must be so hard. I’m sorry you’re still struggling with this. The last time you reached out I thought you could only go one of two ways – work towards acceptance or work towards a solution with your husband. It sounds like you’ve now found a solution with [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] that you’re both willing to try but some things as are holding you back.
Feeling guilty about considering a formal change seems to indicate that you see [name_f]Stella[/name_f] as still holding worth as your daughter’s name. It doesn’t sound like it’s all directed outwardly on other’s reactions – it sounds like most of all you care about your daughter’s reaction, as well as Flora’s. Not just now, but also the story you would share with her in the future about her name.
I think the thing to do here is adopt a nickname like [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] for your daughter whilst preserving [name_f]Stella[/name_f] as her formal name. [name_m]Increase[/name_m] your use of the nickname gently alongside [name_f]Stella[/name_f] and see how it goes. You might find that having the freedom to use [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] alleviates some or most of your discomfort with [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. Soon enough, she’ll take ownership of her name and make it hers.
I generally feel that name regret is more about the circumstances surrounding the naming decision than the name itself. I can see that potentially being the case here since [name_f]Stella[/name_f] was on your shared list and an agreeable choice under different circumstances.
But I can also see how something that improves a parent’s mental health can ultimately benefit the child. Making a name change might be the thing that helps, whether it be a soft change through a nickname or making a hard change by legal means. Either way, I hope it brings you some peace.
