Considering honouring a family member who committed suicide

General Name Discussion
1

[name]Hi[/name] Nameberries,

We are almost settled on a name for DD#3, but I’m interested in getting some feedback on a middle name we’re considering.

We have given both of our daughters two middles (which was not originally planned) and at least one of them honours a family member or close friend. We are considering using [name]Susannah[/name] as one of two middles for this child. It honours two family members (a grandmother who passed away recently and an aunt who I never met because she committed suicide before I was born).

There are many personal reasons (most I’d rather not share here) why it feels important to honour this member of my family. I’ve often wondered about her and about what she was like and don’t know much about her since that side of my family has dealt with her death by simply not talking about her, so in a way it feels like they act like she didn’t exist – which is partly why I want to use a variation of her name, to acknowledge that she did exist and was a part of our family.

So far, we’ve gotten positive reactions from friends and other nameberries on the name combination that we’ve chosen. We haven’t yet told close family members this name or the gender of our baby as it is important to us that we are able to surprise them.

So, two things:

  1. [name]Do[/name] you think it is morbid or inappropriate to name a child after a family member who I never met and who committed suicide?

  2. Should I discuss this with my family first to make sure it is “OK” with them, especially considering how they have dealt with the topic of her death? Would you feel like you needed your family’s ‘permission’ in a situation like this? Or, would it be enough just to sensitively explain to them ahead of time what we are considering and why it is important to us (without necessarily looking for them to be “OK” with it)?

We could still just decide to use the name and only tell them it is meant to honour the grandmother who recently passed away, but that feels disingenuous to me because it isn’t the main reason why I’m wanting to use the name. It also honours this grandmother in a much less direct way than it does my aunt.

Thanks.

2

I think you should discuss it with those family members most likely to be affected by your choice. Your decision could be very painful for them, and it would be a good idea for them to deal with that pain before your little girl arrives - as this will assist in ensuring that the bitterness or pain they feel as a result of your decision does not mar their excitement about your arrival.

You should also bear in mind that although this family member played a part in your life - she probably played a far greater part in the lives of others, and sometimes that may mean putting their feelings before yours in this instance.

One of the names I was considering using was the name of my aunt who had died before I was born. However, having discussed it with my mother, I realised that I would cause considerable pain and sadness to my mother and grandfather if I used that name - so I didn’t. Ultimately the death affected them far more than me, and I did not intend to cause distress by announcing the name of my child. Although I loved the name, I will never use it.

[name]How[/name] you decide to handle this will of course depend on your own family dynamics - they may be delighted by your choice and feel that it is a wonderful way to remember someone who meant a great deal to them - but I think you should discuss it first and make an informed decision. I don’t think it is a question of asking permission, rather their reaction will put you in a position of being able to decide if this is the right name for your daughter.

The alternative is not to tell your family the reason for your namesake at all, ever, even when the baby is born. If the name is not identical, the reason can be private to you and your partner (and maybe your daughter when she gets older).

Good luck, it is a lovely name!

3

I feel for you this is a sticky situation. On one hand I want to say name the kid what you want but on the other hand you don’t want to stir up bad feelings in your loved ones that they could attach onto your new baby. Since u are using the name in the middle spot the connection won’t be so obvious.

I have always loved the name [name]Jewel[/name]. My DH also loved [name]Jewel[/name]. But there was one problem [name]Jewel[/name] is the birth name of my DH mother who is mentally ill and chnged her name after her mental break. My DH and his brothers had a difficult childhood due to his motheRs condition. Because she changed her name when DH was ve[name]Ry[/name] young he didn’t associate the name w his mother. So we were going to use is and even told his mother that we wanted to use it and she seemed excited. But when we were at the hospital we started to think about how his brothers and dad might feel and how her grandmothers life might over shadow my new babies life. In the end we chose a name for my baby that is all her own but gave her [name]Jewel[/name] as one of her 2 middles.

[name]Hope[/name] that helps,
[name]MeRyl[/name]

4

A friend of mine died when were 17 in a car accident. A few months later her sister gave the name to her new baby as a middle name in honour of her. The thing I remember the most is my mum saying “what a heavy burden for a child to carry.” While I think it’s a nice idea to honour a lost loved one in a new loved one’s name, I also wonder about how a person would feel as they grow up and try to forge their own identity knowing that they were named after someone who didn’t make it.
I also definitely agree that it should be discussed with family members because she is a real person to them, who caused them to feel great love and then great heartache and it might be best for her to remain as a memory.

5

I agree with the other posts that you should talk it over with your family members, especially those who had to deal with her suicide directly. I am named after family, myself, and have 2 middle names. I was very young when I started asking questions about who I was named after. My first name is [name]Allison[/name], and she was my maternal grandmother’s mom, my great-grandmother, and I remember asking my mom and grandma tons of questions. Obviously, you wouldn’t have to explain suicide to a child who may not be able to understand it, but at some point she’ll be old enough to ask how she died, and why. It’s something that only you can decide, and I admit, I love the name [name]Susannah[/name]. Maybe there’s a variation of the name that could work. …[name]Zanna[/name], [name]Shoshana[/name], [name]Suzette[/name]. I’ve also heard [name]Savannah[/name] suggested as an alternative to [name]Susannah[/name]. … Perhaps a name ‘inspired’ by the original may be a way to honour those who have passed.

** I just re-read your post. Is [name]Susannah[/name] already a variation of the name of your aunt and grandmother? **

All the best with your decision,
[name]Alli[/name]

6

I would think about this from 2 perspectives: from those family members viewpoint who could be upset/hurt by your choice, and more importantly, how your child will feel growing up with a name of a relative who took their own life. Personally, I wouldn’t want my child to have that connection, because of how the person died. I would try to put yourself in your child’s shoes and really try to imagine how you would feel being named for this person. Maybe it’s okay with you, maybe not. Our daughter passed away at 3 years of age and I definitely WOULD NOT use her name (or even the same first initial) for a future child. We just had twin boys a few months ago and very consciously named them so there is no overlap with her name. They will know all about their late sister but I didn’t want to burden them with any kind of resemblance of her name. They need to be their own individual people without baggage.

JMHO.

7

While it would be important to consider how the name might affect others, it’s even more important to think about the child. As a young teen I knew a girl named [name]Stevie[/name]. Once someone said to her, “That’s an unusual name. Why did your parents name you that?” Her face dropped and she replied in the strangest monotone, “I was named after my uncle who killed himself.” [name]Even[/name] at the age of 13, it was obvious to me that this girl felt both creeped out and burdened to share a name with someone who committed suicide. If you do choose to use the name, consider keeping the homage to your aunt to yourself, and only share with others (including the child) the connection to the grandmother, until she is much, MUCH older.

8

I appreciate the feedback. You have given me more to think about regarding this decision.

I wanted to clarify a few things because, based on some of your suggestions, it seems like there is a bit of confusion.

We are considering using [name]Susannah[/name] as one of two middles for this baby AND [name]Susannah[/name] is a variation of my deceased aunt’s first name.

So, I do think that, assuming we go with the name combination we are currently considering, we are still giving her a separate identity. Also, the fact that [name]Susannah[/name] is significant on more than one level (i.e. it also honours a grandmother), I think lessens the possibility that this name could be a burden on this child.

There are other, more personal details I haven’t shared, that I feel make this choice a celebration of life, rather than a preoccupation with death. I guess without fully explaining these (which I still don’t intend), anyone commenting can only comment on the information I have given. To be vague, there are other members of our family who have struggled with mental illness (but have been able to manage it better than my aunt did as they are still living) and I feel that in acknowledging my aunt’s life (rather than her death), I am also (or at least my intent is) to break some of the shame and taboo that hinders all who live with these issues. Maybe I’m being illogical here and just sentimental.

As for naming a child after a deceased loved one (in general), I thought it was a fairly common practice. No one seemed to blink an eye when we gave a second middle to our first daughter to honour a young family member who died in a car crash a week before our daughter was born. Family members seemed like they were genuinely honoured and no one has suggested that this would be difficult for our child later in life.

I do agree that the situation could be very different with a family member who took his or her own life, which is why I inquired for feedback – I guess I’ve been having second thoughts a bit about the appropriateness of this decision.

We may try out some other grandmothers’ firsts/middles in place of this name; however, we may also use [name]Susannah[/name], but only for the purpose of honouring the grandmother it alludes to in its meaning ([name]Lily[/name]). It is a name we do both like and, in the past (when I say “past”, I mean when I was in high school because we name nerds discuss things like names with our parents when we’re that young right? ; ) I had mentioned this name to my father who didn’t seem to make the connection to my aunt, probably because it is a variation of her name.

Whew, sorry for the lengthy reply.

9

After that response, I’m more convinced that using the name [name]Susannah[/name] would be a beautiful way to honour your loved ones. You are right that mental health struggles are nothing to be ashamed of. You’re not being illogical at all. Talking about suicide, depression, anxiety, etc is a step in the right direction. Your daughters are lucky to have you.

10

Use it then! It is a lovely name and I didn’t click that it was a variation of your aunt’s name. I thought it was a variation of your grandmothers. I appreciate the sentiment behind it as far as trying to lift the stigma off mental health - I work in the mental health sector myself and am a huge champion of the cause. Having said that, and having also been exposed to suicide at a young age, I personally still wouldn’t go there for a variety of reasons that would get terribly lost in translation I think. It’s clear that it means a lot to you though and so it probably is the right thing for you :slight_smile:

11

(1) I don’t think it’s morbid at all, nor do I think it would be a burden for your daughter. And I commend you for your intentions. It’s been my experience that families often sweep people like that under the rug at the expense of younger generations who will not know them and see that they were more than just an illness.

(2) If I were you, I’d speak to one family member you are close to who could also give you an idea of how other family members might feel about it. That way, the name remains mostly secret, but you get input from someone who knows the situation better than us and maybe even is a little closer to the situation than you are. I agree with pp that it’s not about asking permission – it’s about gauging their reaction to see if it’s the right decision for you.

OR – you could ask more family members their thoughts and just tell them that you’re thinking of honoring her with a similar name and not tell them the name. That would allow you to keep the name totally secret but get more responses. The only downside there is you have to be prepared to drop it if you get a lot of negative reaction because if all you receive is negative feedback and you do it anyway, people may subconsciously transfer some of that negativity to your daughter.

[name]Hope[/name] this helps. Best of luck – this is a toughie.

12

I have some personal experinence with this. We recently gave a middle name to our son that honors a close family member who committed suicide. Our son is an infant so it will be a long time before we know how that name will effect him. We thought about it hard and felt it important to honor the life of our loved one and give him this nameske as a way of keeping the memory of him fresh. The family has been over joyed with the choice and we have no regrets. I look at my young son and I never think of a morbid association. But because of his middle name I do notice more semilarities between him and the relative we honored

13

I think you should use the name. Suicide stems from depression, which is a mental disease which isn’t any different than the physical diseases of cancer or alzheimer. I think it would be a great way to honor your loved one.

14

People want to find out they were named after greatness and not weakness. I’d be resentful if I found out I was named after someone who took the easy way out. I do agree that suicide is a sign of depression, but it’s also extremely self centered as the person knowingly devastates everyone around him/her especially the poor person who finds the body. Pass on this idea. It’s nice to remember those that have left us, but it’s different to be reminded of them when you look at your child!

15

It sounds like you can defend your choice as a very positive one, which I think will help a daughter to view it as good and not creepy. I would talk to family first, because you never know how someone might feel, but if they’re OK with it, I think you should go for it. (My mum gave a name to my deceased sister that was also the name of my grandmother’s deceased sister – not intentionally, it just worked out that way – but after my sister died (very young) they found out that my grandmother had been a bit superstitious about the name and had not liked the choice at all.)

@punkdoubt: As an avid student of psychology, I have to agree with those who say that depression is a serious illness, just as much as cancer is (though not every suicide is the result of depression). I was watching an interview with [name]Stephen[/name] Fry, who was talking about a documentary he made about people with Bipolar. One of the interviewees had felt so wretched that he walked out into the road and was hit by a massive lorry, requiring his legs to be operated on several times, and causing what most of us would consider to be unbearable pain. When asked about it, he said that the physical pain was nothing at all compared to the pain he was feeling inside. [name]Do[/name] not dismiss other peoples response to anguish as taking the “easy way out”, no matter how much you think you understand it – you only make it clear that you don’t.

16

@babylemonade I agree that not every suicide is an effect of depression. I admit to generalizing. Unfortunately though, people who commit suicide are defined by their action. “That’s the guy who committed suicide because <insert reason here>.” I do not think it’s a good idea to name your child after someone defined by suicide.

17

I think it’s a touching idea.
For those close to somebody who commits suicide, that is NOT necessarily what defines that person. Thus the gesture of naming a child in their honour. That is the ultimate way of saying ‘I miss you, I respect you, I valued you’ etc. rather than ‘ooh thats the guy who committed suicide, better only talk about him as a cautionary tale.’
As a family, what creates strength is acknowledging and affirming people for who they are, not what they have done. Granted, if naming a child after somebody famous or inspirational, one would obviously go for somebody who had lived a life of strength. The point in this case would be to choose somebody inspirational, somebody whose success to emulate. But when naming a child after a family member, the point is an expression of love! To the family, what is so special is to remember the loved one’s life and celebrate it. I’m sure your child too, will feel honored to carry some emblem of the family’s collective past.

18

The original post defined the namesake based on the action of suicide. She didn’t say “would it be ok to name my child after this amazing person who did x, y, z… the only caveat is that the person wound up committing suicide.” She put the suicide in the forefront of the reason as a way to honor the deceased relative.

You’re gonna inadvertently make yourself and all of your family members think of this deceased relative when they address your child and those feelings are going to carry over. Let your child be their own person and not carry the stigma of a suicide victim. Let that person rest in peace and let this new person carry out a new life.