cw: post-partum depression, mention of psychiatric facility, long ass post
[name_f]Idalia[/name_f] [name_f]Dwyn[/name_f] Pappas [26] is Libbaâs mom and former partner of [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u]. About three years ago she was coming off of a bad breakup with a boyfriend and was feeling somewhat unlovable. A friend of hers convinced her to come out to their birthday party to get her mind off things. There she met [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u] and while under the influence and against her better judgement went home with him. He was plenty nice but they just werenât compatible despite both parties best efforts to get along over a meal. Instead they said their goodbyes and were prefectly comfortable going their separate ways. Renewed by the interaction [name_f]Idalia[/name_f] felt comfortable getting back out into the dating world. [name_m]Even[/name_m] going on a few repeated dates with one man specifically, things were going good until she came over to his place for an at home dinner date when the smell of the onions and garlic he was cooking made her throw up rather inconveniently on his kitchen floor and put and end to their relationship. She took a pregnancy test with the hopes that she was just being cautious and ruling it out as a possibility only to be met with a very positive result. Children was something that she had always considered having some day but she often went back and forth on if being a mother was truly in her future. She had sort of assumed it would happen when her mind had changed and she felt ready. Neither of which had happened when she was staring at the test in her bathroom. Deep in her heart she was already planning on scheduling an abortion.
Through that same mutual friend who had introduced them she acquired Dempseyâs number so she could let him know just out of curtosy since it felt a bit rude to make such a big decision without his knowledge. Her parents were both very poor communicators and it impacted her in such a way that she tended to now overshare information with her friends and partners, which had sort of contributed to the breakup that she was reeling from before her fling with [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u]. She and him met up over coffee and shared the news, his response was unexpectedly positive to her shock. His request to stay together as a couple for their child was entirely out of left field. Her own childhood experiences of having parents who were together but probably shouldnâtâve been told her that she should say no, but being vulnerable from her string of failed relationships and pregnancy hormones convinced her otherwise.
For the first few months of the pregnancy she truly tried to convince herself that it could work out, sure his tastes in music she found grating and preferences for restaurants that she despised was a little annoying but it was nothing she couldnât tolerate, right? Their differing opinions started small but slowly revealed that they had fundamental differences in their traits. He was a neat freak and she was somewhat of a slob, he was extroverted and she was introverted, he was more straight-laced and serious while she was goofier and liked to mess around. They simply had polar opposite personalities, but they were both hopeful that it was just simple bumps in the road that would lead to a happy family.
One night when [name_f]Idalia[/name_f] was freshly seven months pregnant they were discussing the matter of family closeness. Despite having multiple siblings she wasnât particularly close with any of them or her parents, [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u] found this almost inconceivable since he was very close with his siblings [name_f]Louisa[/name_f] and [name_u]Palmer[/name_u]. The argument grew more heated on both sides with him accusing her of squandering an important connection while she called him spoiled and hypocritical since he was speaking as the youngest child of the family and she was the eldest and practically the third parent. The argument culminated with her screaming, not in anger, but pain. Amniotic fluid running down her legs seconds later followed by the delivery of their daughter within a handful of hours.
Labor was exhausting and spent the last energy [name_f]Idalia[/name_f] had had to fight with [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u]. For the weeks after delivery she was essentially catatonic and lived on the couch most days in pain both mental and psychical. She was dragged to the NICU most days but it was incredibly painful to sit there and watch the baby girl struggling in an incubator while she wondered if she had contributed to the newbornâs misery by being too stubborn and fighting with [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u]. Eventually it became too tall an order to convince her to come and for him to try and pulled her out of bed. So she instead stayed home in a fugue state reflecting on her actions.
It was torture, so about six weeks into Libbaâs NICU stay she managed to pull enough strength to pull out a suitcase and collect all her belongings from the apartment she had moved into earlier that year. Anything that didnât fit into the suitcase she placed in a trash bag until there was no trace of her in the dwelling. Before she left she grabbed a notebook and flipped to a blank page, pouring her heart out onto the paper and expressing many of the feelings she had been harboring for the last several months. It was painful to leave her daughter behind but she felt as if it was for both of their benefits. She took two other items from the apartment that she didnât bring into it, two framed photos, both of [name_f]Libba[/name_f]. One was a sonogram and the other was a photo of her first night in the NICU. Those were tucked into the back pocket of her suitcase so she could look at them when she was ready, if that ever came.
She hopped a buss and took it to the end of itâs route, upon getting off she used her phone to find the nearest mental health facility and checked herself in. There she stayed for about three months, finally getting diagnosed with the post-partum depression and anxiety that she had been ignoring and having it treated. The fog around her started to lift, she started to feel more like herself. After her stay ended she began rebuilding her life from the ground up. She took a job at a small local accounting firm were she does some book keeping and found a studio apartment that she unpacked her suitcase and trash bag into, though she kept the photos hidden away in the suitcase until about ten months ago when she moved them to the top drawer of her dresser were she feels theyâre safe but can also be accessed when she desires. She made new friends and found new passions, rediscovering her love for art that she once had in high school. She even has an upcoming show at a nearby gallery, most of her art contains a hidden image of a baby, specifically [name_f]Libba[/name_f] since she uses the photos of her as references.
Enough time has passed now that she can almost forget about the entire ordeal, but she doesnât quite want to. She wants to reach out to [name_u]Dempsey[/name_u] again but is unsure how to both metaphorically and literally, not only would she not know what to say she deleted his number shortly after entering the mental health facility. Besides sheâs not even sure if she would be welcome in his, or their daughterâs life. For all she knows there may be a new woman in the picture who [name_f]Libba[/name_f] calls âmom.â But she selfishly hopes that thatâs not true. She wasnât meant to be Dempseyâs partner, but she does feel like sheâs finally ready to be Libbaâs mom.
