My husband and I are pregnant with our first after a year and a half of trying. Obviously we are now ecstatic that I’ve fallen pregnant. After he told his mother the news he came bounding in saying he’d suggested to his mother that if the child was a girl, her middle name would be the name of his late little sister - who tragically died in a car accident when she was eight. I just smiled and nodded, but I feel really unhappy about it. I don’t want my new baby to carry this ghost, and I feel superstitious about giving her the name because of how unlucky his sister was to die so young and in such a traumatic way, like it might jinx her. From a subjective point of view I also don’t like the name at all. Am I being horrendously selfish? I am flooded with hormones at the moment so I feel like I can’t trust my own judgement. I’m aware the baby might not even be a girl, so could be worrying over nothing - but if it is should I deal with this now and say no? [name_m]How[/name_m] do I say it sensitively? Or should just I give in to make him and his mother happy and brush off my irrational feelings?
Wait and see how you feel nearer the time, maybe ask your mil how she feels too: she might find the idea upsetting but not want to hurt feelings either. I think it’s a lovely idea but my daughter’s middle name is my late mother’s name ([name_f]Eilish[/name_f]) so I like honor names. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t spend your who pregnancy fretting, if you still feel strongly when she’s born you can air your fears but do it face to face, don’t present it as a veto, just explain it’s making you scared and miserable if it still is.
I feel that middles were made to honour. However, I inderstand your feelings of discomfort. Firstly no matter how good his intentions, your husband should never have made that decision without consulting you!
I think that together, you should come up with another name that indirectly honours her and he can have that rather delicate conversation with his mother!
It sounds like this is something your husband would really like to do. I really wanted to name our daughter Jayna, after my Mom- [name_f]Jane[/name_f], who died in a car accident. However, my husband really doesn’t like the name. It took a very honest conversation and some tears, however we came up with alternatives. If this, our second and last child, is a girl she will have [name_f]Jane[/name_f] in the middle. If a boy, [name_m]John[/name_m]. Our other ideas were to use my Mom’s initials (MJ) but we can’t find any M names we both like…
As another poster suggested, the middle name doesn’t necessarily have to be his late sister’s actual name to honour his sister- you could use a related name (either by meaning or sound), initials, or a name that captures a characteristic of his sister that he feels is fitting (i.e.: [name_f]Helen[/name_f]= bright, shining one… this makes me think of a child angel).
It is going to take a hard conversation, but if you go in prepared to meet him half way, hopefully the two of you can come up with something you both love!
All the best and congrats- don’t let this dampen your excitement!
I agree with all the other posters. Try to work out a middle ground.
However (and I know I’ll be in the minority here since a lot of people think names are the most important thing ever!) - If it means that much to your husband and [name_f]MIL[/name_f], I say give her the name. Make it a second middle, use a similar sound, etc. Nobody really gets called their middle names, and if it’s a way for the family that’s been through so much pain to get some comfort, why not?
And I know you’re hormonal, and have every right to feel what you feel, but… the jinx thing is silly. That’s not how the world works.
There are no such thing as ghosts. Sorry. An honor name doesn’t carry a ghost, it honors the memory of a loved one, and creates new and exciting life for the one who wears it.
Use a similar name if you wish, or a name with the same meaning or sentiment.
Consider it a family connection rather than a family ‘ghost.’
In your position, I would definitely discuss this with your husband sooner rather than later, before it gets any harder to say no - explain your feelings and try to find an honour name in a subtler way, if that is your preference, as previously suggested. You should both be totally happy with the name of the child who is genetically equally both of yours.
I think that any honor names should be given with, well, honor intended. I would never used one that I felt was forced on me by tradition or suggestion. This puts you in a tight spot, not using the name could be insulting & make your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] feel that you are disrespecting a dead child. Pretty heavy stuff. There is a Jewish tradition of honoring a dead relative by merely using the first initial of the family member who passed away. This could give you plenty of leeway and personal choice while not starting a family war. [name_f]MIL[/name_f] might not feel it’s enough, but it’s something. I wonder how your partner feels & if he want to use the full name?
This is definitely a sticky situation. I would feel out your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] and how she feels. She might not want to hear her deceased daughters name when she sees her grand baby.
However. I really don’t think there’s a way around this one if she and your husband both want their loved one honored. Could a middle ground be reached as others have suggested? For example, if her name was [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] use [name_f]Eliza[/name_f]/[name_f]Ella[/name_f]/[name_f]Beth[/name_f] as the name or something along those lines. Definitely a very delicate situation and tread cautiously.
I agree that it’s a difficult situation, especially when it means so much to your husband. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] you work it out. hugs
Another suggestion is choosing one of his sister’s favourite names, if he remembers any. A lot of children do have favourite names even at a young age, and some of them are ridiculous but some are actually very usable. Names that she named her dolls, stuffed animals, imaginary friends, etc. Or naming after her favourite things, if any are names? Like [name_f]Rose[/name_f] or [name_f]Lily[/name_f] if she really liked the flower, or [name_u]Story[/name_u] if she loved writing/telling stories.
Would you be more comfortable with using her middle name? Or part of her name, or a variation of it- e.g. if her name was [name_f]Bethany[/name_f] you could use [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f]?
do this a lot. They don’t mean to, but they blurt out ideas to their mothers and fathers and brothers that they haven’t even run by you. These are impulsive gestures which they often regret.
It might be inviting all 20 relatives over for a BBQ tomorrow or it might be suggesting the whole family go to [name_f]Ireland[/name_f] together and share a castle ( my husband did both, though the castle will remain a dream). It might be bringing home a free puppy from the market or driving home in car never mentioned before.
Or it might be naming your child without you.
I imagine he was so sad about the early loss of his sister and so thrilled with your current pregnancy that in a moment of grateful exuberance he blurted out an idea.
He might well be shocked that he did that without discussing it with you first. His mother might be anxious that you were not involved in the naming process either. I know as a mother-in-law I would be. I also might feel that though my child died young (mine did, months before birth) that she fully inhabited her name and that I would want to leave her with it. Either way, hopefully both would understand your completely justifiable feelings.
There is the second middle name idea posters have suggested. The concept of an honor name.
There is also a conversation that can take place about the death of one child and the birth of another child. About how these can link in our minds and hearts and that while sometimes this leads to honor names, other times it is enough that it leads to a tender and open conversation.
My husband told his grandmother we would use her name with out consulting with me first. I tried fitting it into the middle name but in the end it just didn’t work out. She was so happy to have a great grandchild that he didn’t care one bit that the baby didn’t have her name.
Absolutely agree with this.
Be honest with your spouse in how you feel. Once you have really openly talked it out together (it might be really important to him to honour his sister & you might even find you don’t object as much when you’re not being blindsided by the suggestion), you can express to your in-laws what your decision will be. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t worry too much about what your in-laws will think if you decide not to use the name, they will love your child either way & hopefully they will realize it would be petty to harbour resentment about something like that… but definitely take your husband’s feelings into consideration.
I think the idea of using a variation of her name, or a name that represents her, is a great idea. Also using it as a second middle would work because it will be there without always BEING there, if that makes sense. It wouldn’t be on any documents, it wouldn’t be something you’d call her by, but it would still be a lovely gesture.
Talk to your husband soon, don’t leave it till later. He should have really come to you first to discuss that(that’s men for you). But if you really don’t like the name and feel icky about it, he needs to accommodate your feelings too. You don’t want to feel that way about your child’s name.
I really appreciate all your wise words, thank you. Some great suggestions about finding middle ground or similar sounding names, or names that were her favourites, which I’m going to look into. It also hadn’t occurred to me as lesliemarion pointed out, that his mil might have been as equally ambushed by this idea as me, so I’m just going to step back and wait it out and have a few suggestions in my back pocket in case it turns out that it wasn’t an off-the-cuff idea, and he does feel really strongly about it. Most importantly I’m reminding myself that in the grand scheme if things we’re lucky to be pregnant. I think a lot of it comes down to your own family traditions and what’s normal for you. [name_f]Honour[/name_f] names have never been used in my family and I mentioned this dilemma to my parents last week and they both immediately shook their heads, which echoed and reinforced my own reaction. Anyway, I’m confident that a compromise can be reached - the first of many for the next 18 years + I’m sure!
