To give a little backstory, parts of DH’s family have never liked me. It was all fine and dandy in the early years, but after DH and I got married immediately after high school, it all went downhill from there. DH is half American and half foreign. DH’s mother has always been so supportive, bless her, but the rest of this side of the family has been anything but. Apparently since I’m fully American they view me as an “outsider,” and because of this I was extremely worried about how they would react to meeting our babies for the first time when they came down to see us. DH said it would be fine, I wasn’t so convinced.
I guess I’ll just simplify it- they adore our baby boy [name_u]James[/name_u], but when it comes to our other twin, [name_f]Alaska[/name_f], they just can’t get past the name. They already knew the names prior to visiting, but no one ever voiced any distaste until they were here and realized it was my dream name. One of his aunts made a backhanded comment that it was “clunky” and “not a real name.” DH’s other aunt then agreed and told me that if I wanted to put something so “jarring” in my daughter’s name then I should’ve called her [name_f]Vivienne[/name_f] or [name_f]Claire[/name_f] (one of her middle names) instead of [name_f]Alaska[/name_f]. I don’t know what calling her name “jarring” is supposed to mean exactly, but I know it’s not good. DH got a little annoyed and told them that if they didn’t want to call her [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] they could call her Laska or Lasky, our little nicknames for her. Against our wishes they have taken to calling her [name_u]Allie[/name_u]. I have nothing against the name [name_u]Allie[/name_u], but that is NOT my daughter’s name. DH has tried over and over to tell them that it makes us uncomfortable but they don’t listen, and now most of his family is calling her [name_u]Allie[/name_u] even though they know we don’t like it. Maybe I’m being oversensitive, but it feels like a punch in the gut. I just want to take her away from them every time they call her it. She’s [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] or Laska or Lasky, but she’s not [name_u]Allie[/name_u].
Any advice on how to deal with this? I know they’ve always seen me as an outsider, but now I feel more isolated than ever.
Aw, I’m sorry. I can sympathise - not with a child’s name, but my name. The amount of people who call me [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]… I am NOT [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]. I am [name_f]Lucille[/name_f] or [name_f]Lu[/name_f] or [name_f]Lulu[/name_f]. [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] is a great name, but it’s not MY name.
It sounds like your partner is very supportive, and you mentioned that his mother is too. It might be worth you (or better, him) chatting to his mum about how rude his family has been. Mums have some influence still, even into adulthood.
Another bit of comfort; it sounds like his family lives far away? If so, your child will probably grow up hearing her name primarily said correctly, and will be able to stand up for herself one day. I did, and I do still correct people who call me [name_f]Lucy[/name_f], because it’s not what my parents wanted to call me.
Best of luck to you and your little [name_u]James[/name_u] & [name_f]Alaska[/name_f]
I have lots of stories this but my favourite is of my friend and her daughter. Her friendship group, from early highschool days, did the same thing to her daughter as your husbands family did for years, but when she was about 4ish, she literally just stopped responding to them if they didn’t use her correct name. She would just pretend not to understand they were talking to her because they wouldn’t address her properly.
Get your husband to talk to them, addressing both the name and your isolation issues, if they have any problems with you, they need to lay it on the floor. It sucks but this murky situation is likely to get worse and worse if not addressed. If they bring up bullshit about your daughters name, ask them if they went through x amount of labour, 9 months of carrying of or even created the baby, ask them if they have primary care of the child; since they obviously do not it’s not their choice what the baby’s name is, it’s not an offensive name, it’s just one you love. Get his mum on your team too, especially if she’s an influential figure in the family.
Oh jeez…that is absolutely atrocious and I’m so sorry your’re going through this. I think you and your husband are really going to have to have a stern talk with the family. If they refuse to respect you and your daughter then they have no right to see your babies. Maybe I am being petty but in your situation I would give them the ultimatum: call my daughter by her name or never see my children until you can learn to respect them. Until then I would ignore every call, text, or any other interaction they try to initiate. At this point, like you said DH’s family does not like you so there is no point in playing nice with them especially when they are being rude, inconsiderate, and completely disregarding you and your family. Stay strong! xx
As I recall, you’ve had problems on both sides with disrespect regarding your daughter’s name. I hope your side of the family is at least being OK now!
Anyway, this situation sucks and your husband’s family are way out of line. Parents can name their children. Grandparents cannot name their grandchildren. Now I don’t agree that parents can control nicknames in the long term and you might well end up with an [name_u]Allie[/name_u] in the future if your little girl decides that’s what she wants to be called. Hopefully you would respect that if it happened. However that doesn’t mean people can take it upon themselves to randomly nickname an infant if it annoys the parents. It’s a weird power play, in my opinion, especially with the background you gave.
Get your husband to talk to them about how disrespectful they are being. Sternly. Not you, this is not your job because it’s not your family. If they won’t take him seriously I think you might have to give them consequences like they are children and, like PP said, don’t let them see your babies until they can grow up and learn to behave. If they ‘agree’ but then keep on doing it, take your babies and leave. Honestly this really should not be necessary for grown adults, but in their case it might be since they are clearly ignoring your husband so far. If they are willing to plain ignore your wishes on this I’d bet they’ll be willing to ignore your wishes on other, more important, things down the line unless you nip this in the bud.
These power plays are awful, stand your ground, I did, and have had no contact with my husband’s family save for funerals. [name_m]Reading[/name_m] that back,I appreciate how awful it sounds, but he didn’t have the guts to stand up to them so I had too. Or…reading that back and feeling down about it all and envying large family groups, maybe try to find a middle ground and not blow up your bridges.
You have every right to be upset, and I agree with PPs that the situation needs to be dealt with directly–if you waver now, it’s going to keep happening. Your husband (and maybe his mother) need to address their relatives. Ignoring you and your husband’s choice of name doesn’t just show a dislike of the name, it shows a disrespect of your parenting and they have no right to undercut you like that.
I feel it’s ridiculous grown adults need to be reminded to respect the wishes of a woman who carried and delivered TWINS for [name_m]Pete[/name_m]'s sake, but apparently that’s the case here and I would totally support saying “call her by her name or don’t bother stopping by.” I can’t imagine how you feel–I’m fired up and it’s not my sweet little girl!
“You don’t have to like it but that is her name”
“You don’t have to like me but I am his wife”
Both valid responses in this situation.
I think you and your husband should talk openly with his family (with your [name_f]MIL[/name_f] to buffer tge sotuation) and just say that felt unnecessary and hurtful, and that you were surprised because you were expecting more support and less criticism at this point.
Thanks for the support everyone. They’ve been visiting for a few days now and it’s been pretty rough, knowing that we’re not the ones being ridiculous here cheers me up a bit. Much love to all of you.
@jackal we did actually have some trouble with [name_f]Alaska[/name_f]'s name on my side of the family. Someone brought up the name [name_f]Juliet[/name_f] as a tribute name and my mother’s family just took it and ran with it and started referring to my unborn babies as “[name_f]Juliet[/name_f] and [name_u]James[/name_u]” which was cute but annoyed me to no end. We clearly ended up still going with [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] and even though I could tell my family was a little disappointed it’s been fine ever since, I just can’t believe this is happening with her name on BOTH sides of the family.
Honestly, is [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] really such a bad name? I don’t see how it’s any different than names like [name_f]Georgia[/name_f] or [name_u]Paris[/name_u] or [name_f]Asia[/name_f] or any other place name. Maybe I’m just crazy though, our families clearly seem to think so.
The family is coming back over tomorrow. If it continues, DH has agreed that we need to draw a line and that we’ll have to have a talk with them. Hopefully this will go better than it has been.
My 2 year old is [name_f]Cosima[/name_f]. There are members on both my side and DH’s side that hate it. When she was born and we announced the name, we had family members laugh, tell us it was horrible and we should change it while we still can.
A few said they were going to use nicknames. [name_f]CeCe[/name_f], [name_f]Sara[/name_f] (not even close…), [name_f]Cora[/name_f], or just call her by her second middle name, [name_f]May[/name_f].
I said no.
My response was something along the lines of “You can call my daughter by her real name, or you can call my daughter on the phone because you won’t be seeing her.”
Harsh, but it worked. They’re adults and if they can’t swallow down any hate they have for a name for the sake of the child then they need to grow up.
[name_m]Just[/name_m] to add - I can’t seem to edit my post.
[name_f]Alaska[/name_f] is a beautiful name! It isn’t too crazy at all.
We get funny looks about [name_f]Cosima[/name_f]'s name all the time but it’s just because it’s different. I think people expect a [name_f]Sophia[/name_f], [name_f]Olivia[/name_f] or [name_f]Ava[/name_f] so often that they’re surprised to hear something different.
@aroha thank you for such good advice! And wow, [name_f]Cosima[/name_f] [name_f]Edeline[/name_f] [name_f]May[/name_f] is a stunning name. I’ve always preferred names a little more unique more often than not, and I love that
@kylae87 thanks too! I’m glad to know that not many others think it’s bad, I’ve loved the name since I was 14 and I always knew I would name my daughter that, I don’t know why our families have been so opposed to it.
Interestingly enough, the problems we had with [name_f]Alaska[/name_f]‘s name both came from our aunts and cousins on our mothers’ sides. Hopefully the situation will get better soon.
@galaxywasted first may I congratulate you for bearing and delivering two beautiful babies.
I just love their names and you deserve accolades for your efforts.
If not for yourself-which women sometimes find difficult to do- think of your stress levels and how it will affect the babies and family then you…if that’s how it goes. @saintdollface,… @aroha among many others have addressed this well.
I am guessing you feel its a lot to your DH as its his family and you don’t want to be equally offensive but
my opinion is when you stand tall and proud and either demand respect from these people for yourself, or take action as has been suggested, then you will end their disrespectful attitude.
I am not suggesting you don’t include DH - I think he should be right beside you, defending in the worst scenario, but make it about you and who you are, would be my advice. Think honestly, be diplomatic but direct,
and be a woman that [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] will be proud to emulate.
I have heard women do this in such sweet/strong ways such as " No, No that’s lovely of you but we are happy with Laska - or [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] and you would not want to confuse her, would you?" -try not to let them see they are upsetting you and remain firm and consistent.
Please don’t interpret this as a slight on you-or that I don’t think DH should be very involved, please see it as a suggestion that you should take this opportunity to show them what a strong, caring and capable woman you are.
My very best wishes.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, hon. [name_m]How[/name_m] awful, and honestly i cannot get my head around how extremely rude they are being!
I agree with most comments - that you/your husband really should talk to them. Tell them how it’s going to be, and how disgustingly rude they are being.
But I really, really just want you to know that [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] is a GORGEOUS name! Your little girl had an absolutely stunning name. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t let this nasty situation take that away. You named her with love, and that’s the most important.
I’d just like to start by saying that [name_f]Alaska[/name_f] is literally my favourite girl’s name of all time. [name_f]Every[/name_f] time I ever picture myself with a daughter she’s called [name_f]Alaska[/name_f], so hats off to you for actually using it it’s a gorgeous name.
That is so awful. My name is [name_f]Gala[/name_f] ( g[name_m]AH[/name_m]-la ) and for like the first three years of my life my Italian parents tried calling me [name_f]Galiana[/name_f] because it was “more Italian”. It sucked for my parents. The way my dad handled it was by making it really clear. I’d say get your DH to do it, because obviously they can’t not like him, and have him sit down with them and talk them through how much you both hate it. It’s something you should talk about now rather than when the poor girl can actually understand what’s going on. It might even catch on if you don’t deal with it now, which would be even worse.
I wish you the best of luck, your daughter has a beautiful name, as does your son.
