[name_f]My[/name_f] 7 yo girl has been desperately asking me for a phone and social media (one of my previous posts) and I have told her she can’t. However, I often see her going in the room where her brother’s old phone is kept and, suddenly, she knows everything about Instagram and TikTok trends, though no one ever told her anything about those topics. Did she secretly install social media without my permission?! What can I do?!
It’s highly likely. Children are resourceful. Have a straightforward conversation with her about online safety and privacy.
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This is a difficult situation!
This is all what I would do/suggest…
After your previous post, did you set a clear boundary with your daughter about no social media? Is she aware she isn’t allowed, and why she isn’t allowed?
Before making any assumptions, I would strongly suggest asking your daughter about how she knows all these trends in a non-confrontational way. Give her your reasons on why you have reason to believe that she has been using social media.
So, say that she was using social media without your permission, when she knows she isn’t allowed. Reiterate why she isn’t allowed. What I would do is first, make it clear to her that it isn’t appropriate for her to go behind your back when you clearly said not too. It’s important you explain to her why.
I would give an age-appropriate alternative, like YouTube Kids. Then, she isn’t seeing things that aren’t appropriate, but she still gets the feeling of having social media like she really wants. Or, allow her to use things like Instagram or TikTok when you’re right there, seeing what she is watching. That way, she isn’t doing anything behind your back and you know what she’s watching.
This is all what I would do, I don’t know you or your daughter so please do what YOU feel is best. I’m not a professional by any means. 
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Ooh thats tough. Is it possible that she is learning these things from friends? I know at the elementary school I worked at we had constant struggle of keeping phones out of the school. We would find kids with them on the playground, in the cafeteria, and in the bus lines. And of course if she rides the bus, our school didnt have a no phone policy on the bus (and lets be honest, there’s not much a bus driver can do about it anyway)
Like @smileymiley said. I would have an open conversation with her. One that doesnt sound like you’re blaming or accusing her. And I would be very clear (if you havent already) about your reasons for not allowing her to have access to social media. I would tell her that using social media could potentially expose her to things and people that could hurt her.
Is it possible to move her brother’s old phone to another place in the house? My older kids (9 & 11) have their own ipads (thanks to school) and we allow them to access the internet only in public spaces of the house, never behind closed doors. They know we can and will check what they are doing at any time, and they know what they are and aren’t allowed to be doing (definitely no social media).
We do hear a lot of “but my friends get to do this or that” but we are firm with the rules as a condition of them using their ipads for non-school things. They also need to know that it’s not their fault if they stumble onto something inappropriate; they can always tell us and we won’t blame them.
This also goes for anything they might see at a friend’s house - we have a lot of discussions about how different families have different rules and expectations for their kids, and that while we may seem stricter than some of their friends, we have good reasons and it’s for their safety first and foremost.
I do just want to mention that if your daughter has access to YouTube it’s very possible that she’s learning about the trends through YouTube Tiktok compilations!
Anyhow, I don’t think it’s helpful to lash out or become angry (not saying that you are in any way), I think the best course of action if you find she did get social media is to inform her why she cannot be online in an age appropriate manner.
I really understand both sides here, as I was the child who begged for social media for so long, and I just recently got Instagram at the age of 16. I felt like I knew how to be safe, and private with my information online, and I knew the risks that came with having any type of presence on social media. I still do. I can also see how much danger there is on social media, especially for young girls, and how as a parent you want to do your best to protect your children from it for as long as possible. The most beneficial thing to do in this situation for both of you to see the others side, and come to a conclusion that is good for you both.
Perhaps this means allowing her to watch Tiktoks on YouTube, or downloading the app yourself and having 30 minutes a day where she can scroll with you watching with her. [name_u]Or[/name_u] perhaps this means setting an age that she can download social media that she can look forward to, wether that be 13, 15, 17, or 18!
Maybe you should move the phone or change the password or make it so that she cannot get to the phone. See if this changes does she suddenly act differently, or suddenly she doesn’t know any of this. [name_m]Just[/name_m] see what happens if she doesn’t have access to the phone.