Hello all! I am a long-time lurker on Nameberry expecting my first child in [name_f]May[/name_f] 2025. I’m hoping more seasoned parents/namers might have some insight on how my husband and I can navigate a somewhat unique conundrum.
I have always wanted to wait to find out my baby’s gender until birth. This is what my parents did for my three siblings and me, and it’s how I’ve imagined getting through labor and feeling connected to millennia of women going through that experience. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband has always wanted to find out beforehand–he thinks it will help the baby feel more real and will ease the process of selecting a name. But he is willing to wait if that’s what I want.
Yesterday we were talking about names. On our early shortlist for girls is my husband’s mother’s name, which is very unique. She died when he was ten, and though I never got to meet her, I love the idea of using her name for our daughter. Understandably, my husband wants to talk with his dad and sister before deciding on this name–we think they’d be supportive, but don’t want to surprise them in case it would be weird or painful for them, or in case his sister wants to use it for her own future child.
Through our conversation, my husband realized that one of the reasons he wants to find out the baby’s gender ahead of time is that he doesn’t want to have these conversations with his dad and sister hypothetically; he’d rather be able to say, “we’re having a girl, and we would like to use mom’s name” than “we might use mom’s name if we’re having a girl,” which he fears would lock his sister out of ever using the name if we happen to have all boys, and/or lock us into using the name for a future girl when maybe our minds would change.
I totally understand how he’s feeling about this, but I still feel pretty strongly that I don’t want to find out the baby’s gender ahead of time. I am okay with my husband finding out, and I trust him not to accidentally reveal it to me, so we were considering just having him find out so he could talk to his family if he discovers it’s a girl. But then I feel like I’ll know if it’s a girl based on whether his mom’s name is in consideration! So we kind of wouldn’t be able to have real conversations about names until the baby is born. As a true name nerd, this would be hard for me! But I think theoretically we could do it. We do have other names for girls and boys that we agree on at this stage, though we are still rather early in the pregnancy (11 weeks).
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? It’s not a conflict at all, as my husband and I thoroughly understand each other’s viewpoints, we’re just in slightly different positions. Any creative ideas for how to navigate this would be welcome!
First of all, congratulations! That is so exciting. It sounds like you and your husband make such a great team. Your communication sounds on point and you’ve really talked through all scenarios like mature adults. That’s amazing and can’t be said for most couples so well done!
[name_m]Just[/name_m] from reading your post, I think it would be really hard for your husband to learn the gender and keep it a secret the whole pregnancy while you didn’t know. It feels likely it would put one or both of you in an awkward place potentially multiple times throughout the pregnancy. In my opinion, it’s a all in kind of thing. You either both wait or you both find out. Then there’s no accidents of finding out or letting it slip or constantly questioning when you’re talking to your husband if he’s hinting at it being a boy or girl.
I do see where both of you are coming from! If it were me, I would wait (and my husband also wait) to find out the gender at birth. I would create a list of names for the possibility of it being a boy or a girl. Then, when the baby is born, you have a handful or names for either gender. If the baby happens to be a girl, I would include your husband’s moms name on the list and then approach the idea with his family. I don’t think there’s a need to have the conversation until the baby is born and you know boy or girl. Who knows, maybe you end up falling in love with a totally different name in the process. I think talking about names is so exciting and such an important part of pregnancy. You guys deserve to be able to talk about it without worrying about ruining the surprise or hurting people’s feelings!
Congratulations!!
I didn’t find out the gender of my babies until delivery. I know that decision isn’t for everyone, but I would never make a different one. That is the sweetest 2 surprises I’ve ever gotten .
We struggled with names, family names, etc. even had one grandmother ask to find out the gender and tell her and no one else… uh no thank you, that would not have been a secret at all!! We agreed to not find out gender which made the next steps easier for us and leads to my next comment.
Ultimately, I feel like it is your and your husband’s decision as it is your baby. I beyond respect his kindness and willingness to include his dad and sister in this sensitive conversation. That is so sweet. However, it is your and his baby. You will name it and be its parents.
If you chose not to find out the gender and at delivery, baby is a girl, could he not have conversations with them then? That sort of feels like the compromise and middle ground in your dilemma to me. I really hate you for you to miss out on the team green if that’s what you want!!
*edited to add- we had a short list for boys and girls with #2 and ended up using none of them once we met baby, so that could happen too!!
I agree, I think it might be hard for one of you to find out and the other to not find out. But if that’s how you wind up doing things, here’s a suggestion.
If your husband wants to test the waters of using his mom’s name for a baby girl, while not locking in the name for you two in the future, he may be able to accomplish that while staying team green. What I’d suggest is to have him talk to his father solo and ask about it, while clearly saying it’s one idea out of many that you’re considering (even if it’s a front runner in your hearts). Basically, keep it casual, and see how that goes over. [name_f]My[/name_f] thought is, that way he gets some clarity on whether using the name would feel okay for family, but he’s also not saying that you’re staking claim on the name. Then, if baby turns out to be a girl and the name is still your top choice, he could then let his sister know you want to name her after Grandma, but want to get her blessing first.
Ultimately I’m not sure there is a perfect way to have that conversation whether the gender is known or not, but it’s very empathetic of him to want to give his family advance notice. They may not love the honor name idea, or his sister may want to use it, so there could be ruffled feathers despite his consideration.
But sister still could use the name, honestly, so I don’t think you two using it 100% makes it off limits. Also, your baby is coming into the world sooner than their potential cousin, and sister might not have a daughter, so it could all be a moot point. I wouldn’t worry too much about this conversation in the end.
I think deciding between yourselves if you are or are not finding out is most important.
It’s a tricky situation, and one I can empathise with. We are team green and if we have a girl we have decided to use my mum’s name as a middle name - she passed when I was 14. It’s not a super unusual name, but it’s not very common either.
We are at least in the less tricky position that my sister and her husband are adamantly child-free, so we don’t have to worry about cousins or stepping on anyone’s toes. The girls first name we have chosen is also the name of my sister’s best friend… I asked her about it years ago and she was fine with it, so there’s that at least.
This might be mean, but part of me feels that he should just have the conversation. There are definitely ways to have it that don’t ‘stake claim’ on a name - and realistically his sister may be happy for him to use it but not want it herself, or prefer it as a middle name, or just choose to use it anyway. I know that at the point before my sister decided against having her own children it was likely that if we’d both had girls they’d have shared a middle name and that’s fine! I also think it’s worth having those conversations generally, they’re often actually much nicer than anticipated.
I agree with other comments that at the moment the most pressing issue is if you find out or not. Personally I would have been happy either way but my spouse really didn’t want to know, so we’re team green. It does make some things harder to imagine - we don’t know which name we’ll be using, when I imagine us with a child my brain swaps between their sex and what I’m calling them and what they’re wearing. But equally, I don’t think either of us feel less connected to the baby because of that, if anything we’re even more excited to meet them! I think we’d have really struggled if one of us knew and one of us didn’t, especially as it impacts name discussions which at least one of us is really passionate about.
[name_f]An[/name_f] option for being team green is to have the name discussions and have a few girls options - one with his mum’s name as first name and a middle name, one with a first name and his mum’s name as the middle, one option for if his dad/sister really don’t want you to use her name (this seems unlikely to happen, but probably worth discussing). That way you have the names ready to go, and he can have that conversation with them once the baby is here if they’re a girl, or you have a boy and that conversation isn’t necessary.
For me personally, I know I would feel connected to the baby easily regardless because I’m the one that gets to carry them, feel them, have that physical connection. But for hubby it’s not so easy/natural. For that reason, I typically am more sensitive to ways that I can help hubby bond with baby as much as possible before birth. We both wanted to find out the gender so that wasn’t an issue for us BUT, I did concede to finding out in the way he wanted vs the way I wanted and when he fell in love with a name (finally,) I fell in love with it too and allowed his name choice to be her name. I think putting a name and “image” to the baby does realistically help with bonding, at least in our case it has! Thats just our perspective, I see it may not be the most popular on NB but it’s definitely one that deserves consideration. Congratulations you sound like a great couple and I’m sure either way you guys will be happy and full of love!
Firstly it’s great that you guys are able to communicate so effectively and show empathy towards each other whilst trying to navigate this conundrum.
I found out ahead of time that I was having a girl as I’m too impatient and I wanted to have everything nailed before she was born rather than figuring it out in the chaos of the delivery room. I’m grateful I did this as I was very poorly and definitely not in the position to discuss something as important as names.
However I completely get wanting a ‘surprise’ the anticipation and excitement for your baby to born and finally discover who you were growing would be special. Still with this in mind I think it would be very very hard for you & your partner for just him to know the gender and you not knowing. Personally what I would do is make a shortlist including your MIL name on that list (do this for both genders) then wait till your baby is born. After your baby is born wait to see which name you would like to bestow onto them. If it is your MIL name then ask the family. I also want to say using the name in the middle spot would probably not make the decision so all encompassing as your sister in law could also have the opportunity to name the baby that chosen name. For example my daughter is [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Ella[/name_f] (all three are honours) but [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] is a very important namesake so using [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] in the middle spot still gave my siblings the opportunity to use this name too. Whereas using [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] upfront probably would have prevented them from feeling they could also use her. The middle spot just takes the pressure off.
We also had different preferences for finding out the sex. Our preferences mirrored yours; I wanted to find out at birth and my husband wanted to find out during the pregnancy. The naming process makes it feel more complicated, but I would try to solve this question first before tackling the naming process.
I do think it’s better to journey together either with the knowledge or without rather than attempting to go it separately. As you’ve already mentioned, finding out separately has it’s own set of issues.
We ended up going to our 20 week anatomy scan without a clear decision. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband deferred to me to make the decision and in the moment I chose his preference over mine.
I’m not sure what happened at that exact moment, but one way to look at it is this: so much of pregnancy focuses on the mother while fathers play a supportive role. Amongst all the decisions that prioritise your perspective as the mother, this could be an opportunity to make a decision that favours his.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong choice here but there will be different gains and losses for each position. It might be worth exploring those differences explicitly before coming to a final decision. For instance, where you might gain flexibility by waiting until birth, you might lose with anxiety about unknown outcomes. The gains and losses won’t impact you both equally so this might help by acknowledging that.
If you and your husband decide to find out at birth, one way to create more balance could be a deal to use his mother’s name should you have a girl. In the unlikely situation that his family aren’t comfortable with this post birth, you could refer to your back-up list. The main point is that your first choice for a girl is decided upfront. I also think it could alleviate some of his stress to have a clear plan in place about his mother’s name.
If you and your husband decide to find out during the pregnancy, you will still be surprised the moment it’s revealed to you. You can still connect to the thought and the energy of all birthing women who have gone through labour. The relief and bliss of meeting your baby for the first time will be special no matter if the sex is known or not. I wish you all the best with your decision.
Sorry I’m tired and haven’t read any of the other responses… but would it be possible for your husband to kind of say to sister and Dad exactly what you’ve said to us?
“Hey, we’re not finding out baby’s gender, but I was wondering whether if it’s a girl, you two would be okay with us using Mum’s name? If it’s not a girl I don’t want (sister) to feel like she can’t use the name for a future child, as if we have a girl ourselves in the future we may decide not to use the name for some reason”. [name_m]Or[/name_m] something like that?
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