Feel like I'm going to be too old by the time I am ready for a baby!!!

Parentberries
1

After browsing some other forums, and from personal experience, it seems like girls are having babies so young, on the baby-gaga forums it seems like nearly all the mothers there are younger than 22! Some have more than 1 child!

I am currently in University earning my degree, I have a stable relationship and plans to get married after University when I’ll be about 24. Neither of us want to start trying for kids until we have made a bit of a career for ourselves, and I feel like 30 seems so old, when half the people I know already have kids!

I just feel like 30 is the new 40! Am I missing out not having kids when I’m really young like the rest of the population?

I mean most my friends are going to have 10 year olds by the time I start TTC.

I guess I just feel a little angry at all these young mothers that don’t have a stable income or emotional support necessary to support a baby, and I don’t want to feel like I’m the oldest mother when I go to my future childrens school events and things.

Is this silly or do other people feel like this too?

I swear theres been a massive increase in teen-unwed mothers in the past few years!

2

I know how you feel.

In my region and with my group of friends/colleagues, I feel like I’m a “young mom” (I’m expecting my first at 27)…then I see on websites people saying they dont want to have babies “old” at 30 and women who have three children at 22. Most of the mothers I know in person are having their first in their mid 30s, many of my friends my age are single, some in PhD programs or working hours that make this NOT the right time for babies.

I try to remind myself that everyone’s situation is different, plus I think it varies a lot in different parts of the US based on the norms for higher ed, when people get married, etc… I don’t know the current stats on teen mothers, part of me thinks it’s just that we’re talking about it more, what with certain reality TV shows everywhere you turn. Plus more teens may seek out online forums for support as opposed to older moms who already have support systems that include other women with children.

So no, I don’t think it’s silly at all to worry and compare, but I hope you can find peace in following a timetable that makes sense to your life.

3

First off - [name]Baby[/name] Gaga is not the creme of the crop, I know, I’ve been a member there for YEARS.

Secondly - who are you to judge and “get angry” at these women for the choices they make concerning their own children and their own lives? Great, you “have your shit together” but that’s not what everyone wants or has access to and it’s not your place to deem what is right and what is wrong. I’ve been jumped on in this forum for saying that I [name]DO[/name] NOT want to be an older mother, I am 23 and together, my husband and I have 4 children. We work hard at both jobs AND school, putting both of us through graduate school with 4 kids will not be easy but it’s always been a priority for [name]BOTH[/name] of us to be parents young. (He’s 10 years my senior, I only have one biological child), who are you to sit there and tell me I am wrong or that how I choose to live my life is somehow “less” than yours? [name]How[/name] the hell do YOU know what kind of support these women do or do not have? If your basing your opinion on what you see on the internet than you should really go get a reality check. You seem like a very judgmental, nasty person - I hope that changes before you decide to reproduce and pass that along to your children, it’s not a nice or endearing quality.

4

I seemed to have touched a nerve here, I honestly wasn’t trying to offend anyone of upset you, I appoligize :frowning:

I never told you you were wrong or that your life was less than mine - infact I was more infering that I’m jealous of these young women with presious gifts and don’t want to feel infirior for being a lot older and putting a stable financial situation first.

I feel like you have twisted my words and being quite judgemental and offensive yourself calling me a nasty peron for expresing my own concerns.

5

Consider that baby forums are full of “teen mom” trolls so it’s probably skewed quite a bit.

I can’t comment on having the same feeling as in an ideal world I see myself “with child” earlier than you plan to be, but I certain don’t think you should feel like you’ll be considered too old by other mothers. When I was doing my A Levels I took sociology and there were plenty of stats to say that people are becoming more individualised (think that was the term anyway!) and are spending more time and money on themselves and having kids later or not at all, so you probably won’t be as out of place as you’d expect.

My mother had me at 22, and my brother at 33, and she never stops going on about how she hates that she never got to enjoy her youth. So even if people do look at you and think you’re a bit older than you should be (which would be a little ridiculous) at least you’ll feel ready and know that you’ve lived life to the fullest! [name]One[/name] of my cousins is 33 now and had her first at 29 and her second last year, and I haven’t heard her say she feels out of place at all. Her sister was a teen mother, her oldest is now 11 and she’s only just had another baby, so I think that shows that having kids later is fairly desirable.

6

Oh my. [name]Calm[/name] down. Where did she even write any of this? Your children, your life, your decision.

All she said is that sometimes she gets angry at people who have children at a young age without a stable because they make her feel old when the reason she’s planning to wait is to have a stable life once she starts a family.

That’s the way she plans her life and apparently she gets a little angry sometimes, but you get SUPER angry.

Maybe you get judged a lot, I get it. But why do you even care? [name]Calm[/name] down.

To the OT poster:
30 is so not old. I mean I live in Germany and most moms with college degrees don’t evenn start to have kids until they’re 30 or 35 or even end of 30.

7

She basically stated that she “gets angry” at younger women who decide to have children young and makes what she deems “bad choices” - yes, it was very judgmental.

8

Possibly I read it wrong, but it came off to me like you were looking down your nose at people who did not decide to finish getting their education before deciding to have children.

9

I think flick was referring to this:

“I guess I just feel a little angry at all these young mothers that don’t have a stable income or emotional support necessary to support a baby, and I don’t want to feel like I’m the oldest mother when I go to my future childrens school events and things.”

That was… a little bit nasty. LOL!

Look, I’m 33 and I just started TTC. That’s late. To you, it is “old.” Haha!

This “let’s wait til we have advanced degrees and a six-figure income” attitude toward child-bearing, you must understand, is quite recent in the evolution of our culture. My mom had me when she was 18. She didn’t get pregnant until well after she was married. She was barely 17 when she married. My mother came from a middle class family - not at all rich, but they owned a home and had cars and my grandfather worked and everyone was educated and had all their teeth.

My mom had four kids by the time she was 28. My best friend, one of those unweed teen moms you’re upset about, is 29 and has four. She’s a fantastic mother and her kids are amazing. There are lots of wonderful moms who do not have awesome careers outside the home. I’ve got no beef with working mothers, but my good friend with four kids - they lead a pretty simple lifestyle and aren’t able to spend a lot, but they survive on Dad’s income. Mom stays home.

You cannot judge a mother based on age. You just can’t. That’s where you touched a nerve with your post. My mom by all accounts was a good mother at age 18 - and I think I turned out ok - and I have seen really crappy moms in their 30s. No doubt older mothers are more mature, but this doesn’t always translate into being an awesome mother.

Now as for your question: your body has this biological imperative. Your “biological clock.” You want to reproduce because you were designed to. You’re phrasing it like an intellectual question, and in a way it is, but you must understand that if you CHOOSE to wait until you’re in your 30s, you gain things, but you also give things up.

I didn’t wait 'til I was 33 because I wanted to have three degrees and a fancy job and a big house. My husband and I are those un-degreed college-dropout people you hear about on the news bathing in buckets in the front yard. (Kidding.) I waited b/c I wanted to be married to the right person. And in my 20s I was sort of partying, so there’s that.

I know I’ll be the oldest mom at the pre-school, especially if I continue to living in the South (and I hope I do). I don’t care. I don’t think you really care, either. I think you just want a baby really badly and you’re rethinking your decision to wait another decade or so before you have one. That’s a perfectly normal human feeling to have.

It seems like a lot of us feel a sense of shame about our desire to have kids nowadays. I know I did. I felt like I was supposed to want a career way more. And if you do, that’s fine. But I never did, and I felt like I was kind of primitive and gross for it, and I got that attidue from other young “hip” professional women, who seemed to think feminism means shaming women who don’t think success and money are more important than motherhood.

You’re still in college and not married so you have some time to make the decision about what you want to do first. And whatever decision you make, you’ll expect people to be cool about it, so you should be the same way about other moms.

Best of luck to you.

10

Whatever path you choose, you’re going to make sacrifices somewhere.

I’m 24, and I’m having my first baby in [name]June[/name]. I waited until after I graduated college to get married and have children, but I plan to be a stay-at-home mom with this baby, so that means I’m definitely not going to have that career that other women might have. Without a second income, there’s going to be some sacrifices in our family. We won’t be able to own a home for a while. It will take us longer to pay off student loan debt. But we didn’t want to wait until we were 30 to have kids, because for us, having a family was more important than reaching our financial goals in a shorter amount of time. (But by no means are we financially unstable).

For others, by waiting to have kids, they’ll probably be able to own a home earlier, pay off debt faster, take more vacations, and have more saved up for retirement. Those are all great things. But like you said, they’ll come at the expense of waiting to have kids, and being an “older” parent, among other things.

If you’re only worried about knowing moms your own age, I wouldn’t worry too much. Your social group will change a lot by the time you’re 30. I’m sure you’ll be able to find other moms at age 30 with young children. The internet forums may give you a false impression that almost everyone out there is a teen mom, when really, it’s probably just the population of that particular forum. Forum communities tend to be insular - they attract people of the same type, so you can find forums of only teen moms, twenty-something geeks, fundamentalist homeschoolers, etc. Each one is a reflection of only a very small portion of the outside world, not all of it.

Another thing I note is that you are worrying over a problem that hasn’t happened yet, and that might never happen. Not only might you find you have plenty of friends with kids at 30, but you’re planning very far into the future. There’s a good chance you might change your mind in a few years. People can change, their priorities change, and situations change.

11

Thank you, you obviously said this [name]WAY[/name] better than I was able to. I feel like I am one of the youngest mothers here on nameberry, so I admit to getting overly touchy when the subject comes up. >_<

12

Well said MrsH

In my area, I am 5-10 years younger than most of my mom friends. It isn’t really a big deal except sometimes I feel like I don’t really have peers since they are in a different life place than I am but ultimately, it is our ability to laugh together, support each other, and so on that makes us friends, more so than our age. I like having friends of all ages so I don’t see it as a negative thing at all. I still have very dear friends my age as well.

[name]Jojo[/name], you will make new friends in the next decade too so hopefully you will have a nice assortment of ages and life experiences amongst your friends. I wouldn’t feel bad about having a baby at 30 though at all. That was actually originally my plan! But as others have said, age does not necessarily make someone a better parent/ more responsible person.

13

[name]Hi[/name] ladies,

I can relate. I’ve moved to a rural area of [name]New[/name] Mexico, am 27 and am due any day now (fingers crossed!! :slight_smile: ) with my first. I actually had a young lady come up to me in the market, ask me if this was my first baby, and when I replied it was, she said “wow, you’re old for just having your first now!” haha it gave me kind of a chuckle. You have to have some humor with these things. The reality is, in this area, I am the “old mom.” Most people my age in this community have 2 or 3 kids. However, most of my college friends and family are back in [name]New[/name] [name]York[/name] (where I grew up) and I’m considered one of the “young ones” having a baby, in a group of ladies who are in their early to mid 30’s.

There can be “good” moms and “bad” moms at any age. I personally am SO [name]HAPPY[/name] I waited until 27 to have my first, as I’m in a much more stable place, educationally, financially, emotionally, in my marriage, etc. But that was the best choice for me and I’ve known many moms who are much younger and doing a fantastic job. It’s hard to be a woman these days because I think we’re expected to make this incredibly hard choice of baby vs education/career. and no matter what choice we make, there are always people who disagree and are offended by our decisions.

I didn’t find the OPs comment to be offensive. It seems like she might have touched an existing nerve for those who have been judged in the past, but it seems some of the reactions are a bit strong and the personal attacks are unneeded. My husband and I are ALWAYS the oldest people in the waiting room at the OB, and I too find it sad and disturbing when I see very, very young moms who are clearly overwhelmed with their situations. I remember when I was 18 and all I had to worry about was waking up on time for my morning classes and which outfit to wear to the party that night. I’m sure most of the younger moms are wonderful parents, but having kids is a tremendous responsibility and one I am happy that I am not facing until I’m ready.

OP, try not to stress and live your life in the way that works best for you, because in the end, that’s all that matters.

good luck to you =)

14

No problem, flick. I like yr blog. :slight_smile:

15

Thanks! It needs an update, though. >_<

16

The world is full of judgemental people who will judge you for being too old or too young or too whatever, but there are also lots of wonderful people who will embrace you, help & support you through whatever life stage you’re at no matter what… You just have to find them.

I had baby J at 36. This was not planned, it’s just how my life unfolded. I now spend quite a bit of time with women who are 5 or 10 years younger than me, because they have babies too, but I also have friends my age or older who have babies, toddlers or teenagers. It’s great to have such a diverse group of friends.

17

I think it depends what social group you hang with and compare yourself to. My friends from university almost all started having kids in their early 30s. I started having mine in my late 30s and am in my early 40s and still having them. If you compare yourself to internet sites which are mostly populated by younger people then it will seem that most people are having children in their early 20s.

I am old for most of the playgroups I hang out at, but no one seems to realise it until I mention my age. But at the school gates I’m average because most mums my age work rather than be SAHMs here.

To be honest, I think you’re silly for worrying about it. Have children when you and your partner are ready, don’t worry about your age.

18

I did it on both ends. My first at 19 (unplanned, unmarried), but married his dad had two more kids and thought I was done. Finished college, worked through law school, and was stable and unstable as life threw its curves. After my divorce (BIG CURVE), I met a wonderful guy who also had three kids, so we were the [name]Brady[/name] Bunch - both young parents comparatively - but we were happy and the kids are precious. We found out we were expecting a honeymoon baby a month after our wedding - so I started again at 37! Lots of judgment for being too young and too old, plus I find I get judged a lot for both working full time and having too many kids. Now we are expecting again, so if all goes well, I’ll be the 40 year old mom with a 2 year old that I used to judge when I was 20!! :slight_smile: Each one is a blessing and most moms are doing their best.
If I have figured anything out, it’s that there is never a perfect time to get pregnant, but there is never a wrong time to have a baby!

19

My mom has always told me that you are never ready to have a baby. There’s never a perfect time. I’m going to be one of those “moms in their 30s” because I waited until I met the right person. Had I met my fiancé earlier, I would have gladly been a “young” mom. If you are the “oldest” mom at preschool who cares? [name]Love[/name] has no age limit.

20

I’ll admit the original comment made me sizzle somewhat but I caught the gist. I was one of those planning to marry around 25 and have my first around 26. My husband showed up just before I turned 21 and, as we approach our 5 year anniversary, I sit here 9 weeks pregnant watching my 6 month old and 3 year old play together. I love my kids dearly and while this newest little surprise may be coming a little earlier than I expected, I know without a doubt that having kids early is a huge blessing. Not only do I have a good amount of energy to chase these kiddos, but I’ll be able to enjoy my 40’s and 50’s far more as my kids start their own life journey. Our life hasn’t been as financially stable as we were expecting (16 months of inadequate employment after a sudden budget cut resulted in my husband being “let go” didn’t do much to help) but struggling together has proven to be more of a marriage cementer than I ever imagined. As [name]George[/name] [name]Washington[/name] McLintock ([name]John[/name] [name]Wayne[/name]) said, “…all the gold in the United States Treasury and all the harp music in heaven can’t equal what happens between a man and a woman with all that growin’ together.” -McLintock! (1963). I’m a firm believer in doing what you can and trusting The [name]Lord[/name] to help you through. I can tell you there is no other explaination than hard work and divine watchcare to account for how we’ve been able to stay afloat through all our financial turmoils. [name]Just[/name] keep your chin up and have kids when you feel ready. You develop most of your mom-skills along the way, so don’t feel like you have to have a degree in child education to be “qualified.” As previous posters have said, lots of young moms are fantastic and lots of older moms find it hard to adjust. Goodluck! I hope you get to have your babies soon!!