Feeling conflicted and confused

Parentberries
1

[name_m]Hi[/name_m] everyone, I wanted to come on here and ask for some advice or support with a situation that happened recently. Sorry if it’s a bit of a rant but I’m an emotional pregnant women lol.

I’m currently 23 weeks pregnant with my first. I am pretty young (20) and my boyfriend and I are the first in both of our families and friends to have children. When I found out I was pregnant I was super excited, I have an abnormality in my uterus which made me worried I wouldn’t be able to conceive.

Anyways, to get to the part I’m struggling with. We just found out one of his friend is 19 weeks pregnant, they had no idea until a few days ago when they found out at the doctor. I began to feel resentful and upset about it. Throughout my pregnancy my boyfriend and I have had struggles (moving out, getting jobs, college, pregnancy complications) and I was proud of us for being able to work past them. I felt special for being the first and only pregnant person in our large group of friends. I was especially proud of myself because at the beginning my boyfriend and I didn’t live together so I had to take care of myself, including when the doctor told me I had a condition that might affect my baby.

Now I just feel less special and I feel like our accomplishments aren’t as great. Her due date is so close to mine, (not to mention it’s actually on my boyfriends birthday!) she could end up giving birth before I do. I’m upset that I had to agonize the first 12 weeks over whether I would have a miscarriage (we didn’t tell anyone until 15 weeks because of this worry) and she just got to skip over it all. I resent them for having it all come so east when I had it so hard. I just feel like everything has been flipped on it’s head and I’m so conflicted. I know that it’s unreasonable to be upset that someone else is pregnant and I don’t want to feel this way, but I just can’t help being sad and thinking it’s less special for me.

I also just dislike these friends, they’re my boyfriends close friends but I’m not close with them. I don’t agree with their lifestyle and I thought that they’d be a negative influence on our child. Now that she found out she’s pregnant she’s been trying to connect with me. She is messaging me about how we can watch each others babies and be each others “village”. I don’t want to be close with her and I don’t want her to be close with my baby, but I can’t say that without being the bad guy.

I don’t know what to do. I’m upset because I feel almost like my thunder was stolen and I don’t want to share my pregnancy journey with these people, but I also understand that it’s dumb to be upset that someone else is pregnant. Has anyone else been through something like this? I would love any support or advice anyone can offer me.

2

Also, yes I’m aware my profile says junior member. I’m 20 years old and I’m not sure how to change that, it think it’s because I made this account when I was like 13. So please don’t worry about that

3

Not a parent so no advice about that, just wanted to say junior member is about your number of posts (in the old platform) not age. So no problem!

3 Likes
4

I haven’t been through a situation like this, but I hope my advice helps. First of all, if you don’t like this woman, you don’t need to be close with her just because you’re both pregnant or have your babies hang out, but especially if she’s close to your boyfriend you should try to be civil to her at least. In order to do that, it would help to try and work past this resentment–I also don’t think it’s healthy for you. Try to remind yourself that no one is getting pregnant “at you”, and also that other people’s pregnancies don’t reflect on you or take away from your accomplishments.

Also, it might help to reframe your thinking: personally, I think it would be really scary for someone to find out that they were pregnant (presumably unplanned, it sounds like) when they’re already almost halfway through their pregnancy. That leaves a lot less time to prepare for the baby emotionally, financially–and medically. Right now, you’re feeling like it’s unfair that you’ve gone through stress and difficulties that she seems to have missed out on, but she’s probably feeling very confused and stressed herself right now. Even if you don’t want to have a close relationship with her, I don’t think it will hurt to give her a little grace here.

3 Likes
5

Let’s take a step back for a moment.

You are pregnant. That can be a very challenging place for many women. Your body is rapidly undergoing changes and you are biologically compelled to protect the baby you haven’t met yet. This combination can lead to some [sorry] irrational thoughts and amplified feelings. It is totally normal to feel like your emotions are way bigger than they should be. Anticipate this continuing until at least a few weeks post-partum. For now, take a deep breath. Be kind to yourself. You admit that “it’s dumb to be upset that someone else is pregnant”, and I agree with you that it is! But I would wager that your hormones are playing a starring role in how you feel towards these friends.

Now that we have stepped back a bit, let’s dive into some of the issues you mention. I especially want to touch on these two points: 1) that her pregnancy has been easier and 2) that you don’t really like her.

First: the assumption that her pregnancy has been easier. I say “assumption” because this is not something that you can fully know. Perhaps she has been feeling ill and she and her bf were worried that she had cancer or something, just to find out she is pregnant! Perhaps they do not feel ready for a baby, but are putting on brave faces after having birth control methods fail. Perhaps something unrelated to her pregnancy has been stressing her out so much that she thought her pregnancy symptoms were due to stress instead! The point is, you do not actually know that this pregnancy has been easier for her.

But even if it has been easier for her thus far, so what? She may have a way worse labor/delivery experience than you will. [name_u]Or[/name_u] maybe you will find it much easier to breastfeed your baby than she will. [name_u]Or[/name_u] perhaps you will have more help from family. Life isn’t fair! Some of us have it easier in some regards than others. It can be tempting to compare, and to think less of someone else’s experience if we perceive that their road to motherhood was paved in gold while our was one of pain and uncertainty, but that is a shallow way to live life. Instead, try to be happy for her that, at least to your knowledge, pregnancy has not been too challenging for her to this point.

Second: you do not like her. All you say is that you “don’t agree with their lifestyle and I thought that they’d be a negative influence on our child”. Speaking honestly, this sounds very judgmental. It would be good to do an exercise in listing out this woman’s good qualities, because you seem blinded by her superficial “bad” ones. There is a reason she and her bf are close with your bf, right? Write those things down. There is a good chance that if you spent more time with her, that you would end up liking her, and admiring her for some of her qualities. Your post makes you seem jealous of this woman, and not just because her pregnancy is “easier”. That is a you problem. She cannot do anything about you feeling jealous of her. [name_f]My[/name_f] advice would be to try to get to know her better and be more open to liking her. Who knows- you might just gain a friend and villager!

6 Likes
6

Ive never been through a situation like this but here are my thoughts:

Does she being pregnant take away any of your accomplishments? You should be proud of yourself regardless of what anyone elses situation is.

I am going to be a little brutal here and Im so sorry. But this is an immature way of thinking about this. You are building a family with your boyfriend, its not bragging rights, or a milestone to meet, or a status symbol, or an accomplishment. Its a responsibility you are taking on. And its a big responsibility.
Being pregnant isnt something to be proud of, its something to be grateful for.
And you are special regardless of who else is around you. You’re value doesnt rest on your social circumstances.

Why are you letting this person dictate your worth? Her experience has nothing to do with you and what you have accomplished. Be proud of what you’ve done to care for yourself, your relationship and your baby.

You dont have to be friends with her. If they’re important to your bf, Id suggest civility, but you dont need friendship if you dont want it. And Id also say she might be trying to connect because she feels lonely and surprised by an unplanned pregnancy and is looking to you as someone who is a little more wiser/well versed in the world of pregnancy. But regardless if its not a relationship you want to build, then dont.

I feel really brutal in my answers. But I also want to say. I know pregnancy can be rough. It throws your emotions up and down and creates mountains out of mole hills. Especially if you’ve been in some rough and unstable situations. And I think we’ve all had thoughts like this, and sometimes just venting it is the best way to get it off your chest and get over it. So if thats what this post is, i think thats a great way to handle it.
My last thoughts that I would really want to emphasize: Dont let someone elses experiences rob you of the joy of your own experience being pregnant and growing your little baby and family. Your value (and your babies) is not dependent on whether or not your friends are impressed with what you have accomplished. You’re valuable just because you’re here, you’re doing your best to care for your growing baby, you’re making hard decisions and no one else can take that from you.

7 Likes
7

Having a child is a very lonely thing, even moreso when doing it so young (I imagine). You might want to give this girl some grace and see if you can find something you like about her. If this couple are close with your partner, your resentment could drive a wedge into your relationship that could hurt you a lot more in the future. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you truly believe they are bad people and bad influences, or are you just bitter about sharing the limelight? Once your baby comes, feeling special will be the least of your worries. You will need support, understanding and community. It sounds like you might be able to get this from her, so I’d suggest a little more introspection, some therapy if you can access it and a little more humility and maturity.

5 Likes
8

You’ve gotten lots of wise advise already, and I’m not a mother myself, so I’ll just add one tiny thing. You feel as though your pregnancy is now less special and less exciting, but that probably isn’t how your friends and family see it! I doubt their perspectives have changed since they found out about this other woman’s pregnancy. No one is thinking, “wow, [name_f]Lucy[/name_f] and her boyfriend were so cool for being the first ones to have a baby, and now their not!” Having a child should always be a joy and a blessing, even through the many challenges that come from parenthood. Don’t let other people take away from your unique experience and relationship with your child.

2 Likes
9

I really appreciate everyone’s answers here, even when some of them made me upset. I feel better about the situation, just writing out my feelings helped a lot.

I do want to say that it’s not that I just don’t like her and her boyfriend, they aren’t very respectful of my boundaries and they are hard drug and alcohol addicts. I just don’t want this kind of influence around my growing family, especially because there are members of my boyfriends family have been involved with drugs/alcohol/gangs before and I don’t want to deal with any more of this than I absolutely have to.

I appreciate everyone that mentioned how she is also going through hard times and it’s not just me, I’ve been helpful to them in the past when they went through other rough patches so she probably views me as someone that she can rely on. I will try to reach out to her and be as helpful as I can but I still don’t think I want to be her friend.

1 Like
10

:wave: I’ve been there!! I had my LO when I was 21 after 2 miscarriages . I was incredibly bitter. On top of that, everyone got pregnant after my losses :triumph: everyone from my high school, even my moms friends! Needless to say, I carried that bitterness into the begging of my pregnancy. I’m sad to admit how upset I got at birth stories, pregnancy announcements, and easy pregnancy’s :sweat_smile:. I was also holding onto lots of unhealthy relationships that I knew deep down would impact my child. So I took others advice and cut off any unhealthy bonds. I also realized that bitterness is also unhealthy for my child. I had to dig deep and find the route of my problems and then I felt way better! [name_f]My[/name_f] advice: find the core problem, and be clear about any people you don’t trust around your child. I’d focus on what you can control!!

I hope this thread brings you peace, and congratulations :tada::confetti_ball:

EDIT: let me be real clear tho, if people are unhealthy, never feel bad about using boundaries to protect your kids and YOURSELF even if you burn some bridges.

2 Likes
11

Thank you for your response, I also had some troubles conceiving so I relate to that feeling of being upset when other people got pregnant. I think that might be a factor in my bitterness towards this girl, I’m upset that I had to try so hard and wait so long and it feels like no one else did.

I appreciate you saying that I don’t have to be friends with her, I was a little upset that other responses said I should try to be friends. I feel like I’m at least justified to not be friends with someone if I don’t want to be. I don’t know if I could cut them off completely since they are so close to my boyfriend so I guess I just have to learn to set hard boundaries and come to terms with the fact that they will probably always be around.

2 Likes
12

Congrats on your pregnancy!

So, I’m kinda old :sweat_smile:, in my 30’s. For me at least, when I was in my early 20s, sometimes life felt like a bit of a competition. Like there was pressure, to be slim, be attractive, get good grades or a good job, that kinda thing.

One of the things that life and aging has helped me realise is that, it’s not. Certainly not a competition any of us could ever ‘win’, anyway!

Life is a crazy miracle, that this bunch of atoms we are can come together and LIVE. And it’s just for us. The one we have to live our whole life with, the one we have to answer to, is only ourselves. Many of the friends you have now won’t be friends in 15 years time. You won’t know how they’re doing in life, they won’t know how you’re doing.

So I guess what I’m saying is… let everyone else’s opinions of you go. Your pregnancy doesn’t need to be special for anyone but you. What you overcome is something for you to be proud of regardless of what others may or may not think. But others, also, will have things to be proud of that THEY’VE overcome.

When your baby is born… most people will be lovely. But it might feel, whether it’s real or imagined, like others are judging, whether you’re too young to be a mother, whether you’re bottle feeding but should be breastfeeding, or breastfeeding too publicly, or breastfeeding a 2 year old… you need to be ready to be comfortable enough with your decisions to not worry about that stuff. To not worry about what others think, but just do what you believe is best for you and your children.

Your baby is also going to be completely their own person. If your child is really really slow to learn to walk, does it make something less special about them because you can’t feel that pride at what a brilliant talker they are? Does it say anything about your ‘success’ as a parent if your child is slower to walk or talk or whatever? Honestly, when my oldest was little I was a bit gloaty and proud, internally. She’d taught herself to recognise the whole lower and upper case alphabet before the age of two, and could count and all sorts. But now she’s almost school age and we’re struggling with her not wanting to use the toilet, and she also finds it tricky to make friends. So it’s been a learning curve… my child is who they are, and it’s not always much to do with my parenting, though I try my best. [name_f]My[/name_f] child is amazing at their alphabet and struggling in other areas, and that’s absolutely okay. [name_f]My[/name_f] children is amazing at reading AND my friend’s non-verbal child is amazing at climbing, and neither is more of an accomplishment or more something to be proud of. Your pregnancy is exciting and special AND so is your boyfriend’s friend’s pregnancy, neither diminishes the other. And no, you don’t have to be friends with her, I’d politely say things like “I’m not yet sure when I’ll by comfortable leaving my baby with someone else” and stuff like that to ward off comment ls about you looking after each other’s kids!

Sorry that was such a ramble of thoughts!
Wishing you all the best :heart:

1 Like