Fertility grief

Any berries out there who are grieving infertility — whether it’s social infertility (gay parents, for example) or physical?

Sometimes thinking of names is difficult. Sometimes it’s comforting, a way to pass the time.

Of course I’ll love my child no matter how they come about, not really about that — I guess it just feels so out of reach sometimes. I don’t know if I will ever be able to conceive “normally”, and that puts a lot of question marks up.

How do you cope with that? [name_f]Do[/name_f] you think your name interests are a coping mechanism? I think it’s definitely become one for me!

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[name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I struggled for over 2 years with unexplained infertility, before finally getting pregnant a couple of months ago. It was really and truly the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. The uncertainty of it all was the absolute worst part for me. I truly questioned if I would ever get pregnant, especially since we could never really figure out why we were struggling to conceive. We ended up doing 5 round of IUI, with the help of a fertility drug called Clomid before getting pregnant.
[name_u]Baby[/name_u] names have always been one of my biggest interests, and I’ve been on naming forums since I was a teen. There were definitely some days where I had to avoid certain threads, and days when it was hard for me to reply about what I would name a baby…because it felt like that day might never come. But, overall, naming and talking about names and playing name games are a big comfort to me, mostly because I just love names in general so much, and really enjoy the community that NB provides.
Like I said, the uncertainty of everything was the absolute worst part for me, so I can totally relate to how you’re feeling. Also, just knowing that we would probably never be able to do it “the normal way” was something I really had to grieve. It did help me to hear other people talk about their fertility struggles and successes, and just researching and getting to know all of the possibilities for fertility treatments. For me, personally, knowledge is power, and I found great comfort in researching things and hearing other stories. It made me feel less alone and more hopeful.
Sorry for the super ramble here. :sweat_smile: But infertility has essentially ruled my life the past couple of years, so I have a lot of feelings! :crazy_face:

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Absolutely, without a doubt, yes! And it is a much healthier one than others that I’ve used in the past.

(Wanted to clarify, I am not struggling with infertility, just grieving from not having children at this point in my life. I know for others it is much worse, and my heart truly goes out to them.)

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Have been dealing with infertility for years, and yes I do think that my interest in names is a coping mechanism to some extent. I have always been interested in names since I was a little girl, so it didn’t completely come about because of infertility but there are definitely times when imaging a future family where I can use all my favorite names is really helpful. Then again, there are times when thinking about naming a baby that doesn’t exist yet is really really hard. So it’s a delicate balance.

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Thank you for posting this. I came to nameberry because of baby grief. It’s a long story, but I came after I had to give up first having my own child with a partner/spouse, then having a child through donor insemination, then having a child through adoption.

Of course I’ve always been word and name obsessed and have OCD, but part of my grief has been my hours (decades of hours?) on nameberry. It feels like naming the world which can feel good.

Sometimes I stop to question what I could have done had I not spent so many hours here. But I don’t do Facebook or Instagram or stay up all night playing Mortal Combat, so it’s probably a mostly healing use of time.

All the best to you.

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Absolutely!!

It took my husband and I just under 3.5 years to conceive our son. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone! It was a difficult, isolating time in our lives. I felt defective because, from the teen years, people make it seem like you can get pregnant from kissing a boy. It should be easy to get pregnant, right? Well, when it doesn’t happen, those negative thoughts slip in. I felt like I wasn’t womanly enough, I guess, that I was broken, that it was my fault my husband wasn’t a dad, that it was punishment for sins, etc. Ugh.

We also went through testing, medication (Clomid and metformin) trials, I was diagnosed with a couple of things, had two miscarriages… it was kind of a mess. We were able to spontaneously get pregnant with our son. We almost lost him a few times but he is here and thriving. Now we are around 7 months into trying for [name_u]Baby[/name_u] #2. Some of those old feelings have returned, plus the guilt of feeling pain…since we do have a child, all the struggles aside, and some people don’t have even that.

Coping, it is/was hard some days. I journaled through it all and that helped a lot, especially since people don’t always understand so I limited sharing that way. I leaned on my faith which did help bring me peace at times. I did think about names a lot! I still do for our hopeful second baby but nothing sounds right so that’s more stressful now! Still, the first time around, it really helped channel some energy away.

I really do hope the best for you in this situation! Infertility or any sort of disappointing, painful, nonlinear path to parenthood is a brutal experience. Many people unfortunately do end up experiencing it yet it remains very stigmatized.

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I want to thank everyone for sharing. It’s so comforting to know you aren’t nearly as alone as you expect. :heart::heart:

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I hesitated to respond to this… because honestly we started TTC in 2017. 5 pregnancies and no babies… [name_f]My[/name_f] fertility journey has moved from grief to anger most days. I love names but coming onto TTC/name forums has become detrimental to my outlook. I’m angry every time I see a fake account announce another fake pregnancy, usually for baby #4, probably twins, and whatever screwed up person is behind it doesn’t stop to think about the pain they cause by faking what some of us want most. I’m angry when I see women complaining they didn’t conceive the first cycle, I’m angry when they conceive accidentally, I’m angry that people I started this journey with are on baby 2/3/4, I’m angry about how easy this process is for some people. I’m angry that the idea of pregnancy fills me with dread and anxiety, I’m angry that miscarriage stole the joy from the next time. And none of this is anyones fault, so, sometimes I just get to sit here and be angry… I avoid a lot of pregnancy/conception related communities for this reason.
And you know, it’s okay to be angry, or sad, or upset, or grieve what will not come easily for you if it comes at all. Let yourself feel the rollercoaster of emotions, but always be kind to others on the journey. There are days when you are gonna want to knock people out…. [name_m]Just[/name_m] remember You have support :two_hearts:

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When I went through that time, I had the darkest, ugliest, most hateful thoughts. I was so furious that I won’t even write the things I thought. Most people don’t understand and I don’t want to sound evil. But the pain was the worst thing I ever experienced. I thought it would kill me.

But it didn’t. [name_f]My[/name_f] children are unborn and I’m 60. I can now go to a baby shower without … Well, I can now go to a baby shower and be happy for the pregnant.

That is huge.

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I am on my 3rd year of diagnosed conception issues, but I have known this would be the path my life would take when I was just starting to get my period at age 11. Getting anybody to do anything about it or take it seriously was another matter entirely. I didn’t really start getting help till I was about to be married and was formerly diagnosed with PCOS, vaginismus, a labial fusion and potential endometriosis, as well as chronic vulva vaginosis. Sorry if it’s TMI, but I am just getting more used to being blatant about it, cos I am learning health is so under discussed. I spent a year of infertility being sad because at the most basic level, I couldn’t even try to conceive and then the next two trying to overcome that just to try fertility options.

Now we have finally done letrozole and ovulation induction and both have failed. So I am very feebly looking down the barrel of IVF, as my specialist says she doesn’t want to waste time. Which is something I appreciate, but at the same time terrifies me.

For years, I stressed myself silly about baby names, they would keep me awake at night, making combos, debating sounds, sibsets, last names etc. At 27, I have reached this point where I now know our children’s names, should they ever come along and that has actually been a major healing point for me. It provides me with the slither of certainty I need to face each challenge and sometimes to keep going. It’s the only absolution I have found in the storm that is infertility. I still enjoy helping others find names they love, while locking away the ones that I do in my heart for a time.

To all the people out there, there is no lonelier club than that of infertility and I really am thinking of you all with all my heart. :heart: Each journey is so so wildly different, but equally as hard and soul crushing. I hope you can find solace in whatever you need to get through and find those who can empathize with your journey and give you what you need most.

Best wishes to you all xx

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Thank you for sharing. I don’t think it’s TMI at all, and agree that reproductive health is under discussed. For the longest time I thought disabling menstrual cramps were totally normal.

They aren’t! Come to find out, it was probably one of the first signs that there was something wrong.

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I’m not pretending my experience is the equivalent of what some others have shared, but I spent my later 20’s coming to terms with the idea that I might never have my own children since I didn’t intend to start a family on my own. There was some grief involved. [name_f]My[/name_f] name lists, and the Nameberry community, were certainly a coping mechanism.

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Fertility struggles are hard! I would go through periods where I found nameberry helpful and other times it was just depressing. Regardless of your situation, wanting to have a family and not being able to is so tough – all the emotions!

I was able to give birth to a baby at age 37 conceived through IUI. I hope this is helpful (and not causing more pain) and gives a bit of hope that fertility treatments can work sometimes. :two_hearts:

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I want to add, after reading @SoDallas31 's comment, having a name for your future child can be so helpful in giving you the motivation to continue through. Sometimes in my head I refer to future children that don’t even exist yet by name because it helps make it more worth it. (i.e. “we’re making another doctor appointment so we can meet ___” “we’re doing this for ____”). It helps give you hope to think of them as real babies that you just haven’t gotten to meet yet, and helps you feel like if I just keep doing what I need to do then I will meet [name_u]Baby[/name_u] ___ eventually. Of course names can change, but I just think that this is one of the ways that nameberry can be a coping mechanism for those with infertility.

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Fertility grief has definitely been a journey for me, but I don’t think naming was an escape. If anything, it was the opposite and I completely went off names and Nameberry for a while. I am 15 months post miscarriage and only just starting to love names again. [name_f]My[/name_f] hubby bought up names at breakfast the other day and it was nice to enjoy talking about names again. I think I missed it on some level.

Babies do feel rather out of reach, and it doesn’t help that I have three expecting SILs all due within 6 weeks of each other. I’m excited of course, but it’s also tiring to be surrounded by all the baby chatter when on the inside you just want to scream.

I honestly don’t know what coping looks like… it’s just a day at time, being distracted by work and other life things. At the moment, I’m just focusing on working and saving, so we can buy a house, but my brain’s interest in that is slowly dwindling and thinking about babies again. We could TTC if we wanted… Some days I want to climb back on the horse, other days I hope someone just leaves the gate open…

There’s definitely no magic answer or solve all.

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I know how you feel.

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It’s helpful to me :slight_smile: I think my husband I are on the right path to conceive naturally now but it helps me to hear of people having babies later in life. So thank you :slight_smile:

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I have never cared for the phrase “start a family” or “have a family” when all that is meant is children. I consider my husband and cat and myself a family. This is not in response to anything anyone wrote here. Once someone asked me if I had a family and it angered me so. I wanted to scream of course I have a family! I have friends and relatives and animals. [name_m]Just[/name_m] a thought.

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@Harvest-Endellion You are speaking to my soul!! I detest “start a family” as well! I know people don’t tend to mean anything by it and it’s just a turn of phrase, but it really annoys me. I say “our family” when refering to just myself and my hubby to make a point, or say “he is my family” when they refer to my husband. A childless home is no less a family or a home - I will die on that hill, so help me.

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When I hear, “We are going to start a family…” I always think, “Boy, you better already be a family if you’re going to have children…” Everyone needs to be part of some kind of family to survive this world of ours, whether we have our own children or not.

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