Finding my identity

Parentberries
1

Before I begin this post, I would like to ask that people take me seriously. I know that this is not an entirely appropriate topic for a naming website, but Nameberry has the only Internet forums I have joined where I feel confident and safe enough to ask for help and advice. So if you do reply, please don’t tell me that the topic is not appropriate for the type of forum. This is a very serious thing for me, and I would really appreciate any help or advice you can give me, as I trust the integrity and kindness of the people on Nameberry’s forums. They are the most friendly, best forums on the entire Internet. The community is very supportive, and I would really appreciate advice, but please do not ridicule me. This issue is not bolstering my self confidence at all. Thanks.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I have having issues determining my sexuality. Again, I know this does not seem appropriate for NB, but it is the only forum where I feel safe enough to ask for help. This is a very sensitive issue.

At first, I thought a person could only fit into one of three categories: bisexual, gay, or straight. I feel repulsed by the thought of sexual interaction, but it continually seems to be in my thoughts. I seem to find myself attracted to the opposite gender (I am female), but the thought of anything sexual is repulsive to me. I have low self confidence and I am not confident in my own naked body, especially not with someone else’s. I am very modest and never revealing in my clothing.

Recently, I considered that I might be asexual. Before, I thought I wa probably straight, just not very good at it. As far as I can tell, being asexual is having romantic involvement but not wanting to have anything to do with sexual relationships. This seems to describe me, but I really don’t know what to do. I’m going through a tough situation right now that is putting my home at risk, and combined with a lack of self confidence and an uncertain identity, I don’t have the courage to face this alone. There is no one who I feel safe talking face-to-face with, so I’m asking you to help me out and tell me what you think I should do.

If I am asexual, how can I come out about it? It does not seem to be a well known sexual orientation and I am worried I will be misunderstood. [name_m]How[/name_m] can I find my own identity? Being a person who is very stereotyped to begin with, this is a huge challenge for me. I would appreciate any advice or help you can give me more than you can ever imagine.

An again, I’m sorry for posting this unrelated to naming or children topic on Namberry, but it is the only place I feel safe an confident enough to ask for help. I have no friends close enough to ask, my family is in chaos and I don’t want to give my parents more problems than they already have. Thank you so much, I am so grateful for having someone to turn to.

2

This is why we need an off topic board.

I can understand about not knowing what to do and being a different sexuality than most people accept. I’m bigender/gender fluid and pansexual. It can be hard, but be confident and loving yourself is worth the effort. What you’re describing does sound asexual to me. Someone who wants a romantic relationship, someone to love, to spend time with, to have a life with, but without all the touching, sex part. That’s what you seem to be describing. That’s ok. [name_m]Plenty[/name_m] of people are like that. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though I’m pansexual, I even get that way sometimes.

For your questions: Who are you coming out to? If it’s to a boyfriend/girlfriend, I would just sit down and have an honest, open talk. [name_m]Just[/name_m] come out and say “I love being with you, I love the romance, but I’m not very interested in the sex. I’m so much more interested in…” etc. If it’s to your parents, my thought are that this isn’t something needs to be “come out” to like if you were bi or gay. This is just not liking sex at all and I’m not entirely sure it’s something that you need to “come out” about with your parents. If you want to, or feel you need to, I would do as above. [name_m]Just[/name_m] tell them honestly that you don’t like it, at all, and that you still want to love someone, to get married but that that part isn’t something that interests you.

Honestly, you’re likely to be misunderstood, yes. I’m misunderstood. I try to explain pansexual and I usually get “So you mean bisexual?” No, it’s different. It’s just a matter of being persistent and patient. It’s not something most people have heard of, so it will take time.

If you need anything else, if you have more questions for someone else in the “unheard of” area of this topic, or if you just want someone to talk to, send me a message. I’m extremely open and I’d love to make a new online friend. :slight_smile:

3

You really need to speak to a counsellor, doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc, someone who can guide you in this area.

4

This seems like good advice to me. I imagine it’s different for everyone, since “coming out” isn’t important to everyone. If I were gay or bi, I wouldn’t “come out” about my sexuality, because it is such a small part of my personality. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business who I am sexually attracted to (except a potential sexual partner). I’ve also never had a particularly strong desire to be accepted, so there’s that.

I just think it’s important to figure out your feelings for yourself. It’s a horrible feeling to have sex when you do not particularly want to do it, and you do not owe sex to anyone no matter how much you love them.

5

There really is a great community here. I’ve been around boards of all sorts for the 15 or so years I’ve been online, and this is one of my favorites by far.

[name_f]One[/name_f] of my friends is asexual, and she often expresses confusion about that, so it might be common. I’m not sure, as she’s the only person I know who is “out” about her asexuality. I do however know a lot of people (especially women) who have an aversion to sex, but have sexual relationships anyway, for whatever reason. Babies, social expectations, I’m not sure. I’m very sexual, with a pretty fluid sexuality, but I too have had times when I wasn’t interested in being a sexual person. I guess, in my experience, sexuality can change. For me, it shifts as I grow and change. I love people, all sorts of people, and sometimes there’s a sexual attraction there, sometimes I just want companionship. Right now I’m with the person I consider my forever partner. He’s male, but he could have just as easily been female (or anything in between) and I’d feel the same way. I love his soul.

Sexuality is so much more complicated than liking sex with boys, girls, or both (or none!). [name_m]Even[/name_m] within those parameters, there’s an entire rainbow of difference between one person and the next. The best way to find what works for you is by experimenting. If you enjoy sex with yourself, great. If you don’t, great. If you’re interested in playing with another persons’ body, wonderful. If that’s not something you’re interested in, please don’t ever try and force it. In the end, it’s your body, your life, and you know best what feels right. Be true to yourself. If it feels wrong, that probably means it’s wrong for you.

I can definitely address the issues with your own body, and not feeling comfortable being naked. I’d probably be perfectly happy on a nudist colony. Clothes are fun, but I’d be so much happier if I never had to wear anything again. My mum says I was always like this, apparently my clothes came off as soon as I got home from school. My SO used to laugh himself silly when we first moved in together because the second I walk in the front door from shopping, working, whatever, my clothes start falling off. It has nothing to do with sex, I’m just not comfortable wearing clothing. If becoming comfortable with your own nudity is something you’re interested in exploring, I encourage you to start being naked as often as possible. If you live with other people, start with your bedroom. Get yourself a lock, some curtains, push a chair in front of your door, whatever makes you feel safe. Then strip those clothes off. [name_u]Read[/name_u] naked. Surf the net naked. Make a phone call naked. Eat an apple naked. Get really used to being naked. :slight_smile: From there, you can start pushing your boundaries and see where they lay. Maybe you’ll never be comfortable being nude in front of another person. Maybe you will. Who knows? Life is long, and change happens.

As for coming out, explore what it is you feel you need to come out about. I personally never came out and announced what my sexual preferences were. None of my hetero friends have ever felt the need to let us all know what sort of sex they enjoy. :slight_smile: If you feel it’s something you need to do, start small, with one person you trust. Or be subtle. My asexual friend started sharing articles about asexuality on FB, before she finally came out and started talking about it.

Go explore, [name_f]Mehri[/name_f]. Start with self exploration, learning your own body, and go from there. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t feel you have to define your sexuality, I certainly don’t. But if you do need a definition, go for it! We’re all so very different from each other. Be true. Be honest. Go forward and find your path. :slight_smile:

Thank you for sharing. I know it can be scary even when the sharing is done anonymously.

6

Ditto on the off-topic section

I can understand why you would come to the NB community with an issue like this as you can maintain anonymity and how hard it can be to discuss certain topics with those close to you. Self searching is something that alot of us do and honestly people come of age at different times… not necessarily as a teenager.

I will re-iterate redwoodfey’s point about self exploration. It may be important to find out what you like and how you feel and whether sex is something that you enjoy doing or not. It may be experimenting with yourself and it also may be experimenting with other people. Test the waters to see which sex you are attracted to and what you like in other people. Also remember if you have one bad experience not to let it taint you as everyone is different.

The other thing is I know you may be interested in romance etc… But I think the most important thing is to find out what you like and what you are happy with before you go searching to get lost in another person. I genuinely don’t condone looking to someone else for a sense of self-esteem. I like being a relationship so I have someone to enjoy spending time with not to use as a crutch to hold me up. From personal experience this doesn’t always work as not only are you left with the problems you have before, but you have a heartbreak to deal with as well.

The other thing is some girls also put out just to fit in. It is not something that is openly discussed but alot of men out there enjoy having sex and see that as a requirement for a relationship. [name_m]How[/name_m] men view sex is also different. There are some women out there that just put out to have the company, so they won’t feel as alone. Not everyone enjoys having sex and some women fake it. [name_m]Just[/name_m] like for you sex may not be a requirement, for other people it is. It is okay to not want to have sex and not enjoy having it and I am certainly not suggesting you ‘put out’ just to fit in. I’m just saying people do things for different reasons and its important not to place assumptions on other people from how it looks on the outside.

I’ve had my fair share of problems and I understand sometimes it is hard to find someone to talk to. I also understand therapy is expensive and not something everyone can afford (especially as you’re experiencing family problems atm) so if you want to talk or want someone to listen to you can shoot me a pm. No judgement.

7

I agree with this. I am not asexual, but for once in my life, I thought I may not interested in romantic relationship at all (and of course it’s not something I can share with my parents…). It’s different, but still… the principle is similar. I also don’t think “coming out” is important. What you need to do is to figure out your feelings for yourself. Once you figure it out, you can sort things with your potential partners, hopefully.

Sorry for being no help, I wish you the best luck. Ditto to everyone who said that nameberry is one of the best online communities. PM me anytime if you want to talk.

8

Being asexual is not something that’s often depicted publicly in our society, through media, etc. and in a culture where “sex sells” it can feel like something is wrong with you if you have no interest in it.

I bet if you look, you can find a number of others who identify as asexual. I know more than a handful of (all women) that do. Maybe you’ll never have an interest in sex, or maybe one day you will. Sexuality is fluid, for many people it stays the same their whole lives, but for others it changes.

I suggest taking a course on sexuality, something like the psychology of sex or even gender studies. Perhaps an adult [name_m]Ed[/name_m] class at a local college, or even look for something on coursera.org.

As for “coming out”…I agree that unless it’s to someone who has reasonable expectations of a sexual relationship with you, such as a romantic partner, there 's no need. People who come out to family as gay or bi are not usually coming out primarily with their sexuality, but with their romantic interests.

9

Can I recommend something completely different? Try talking to your doctor about doing a hormonal work up. It could be that you have a chemical imbalance right now which is causing you to be attracted to the idea of romantic involvement but not physical relationship.

Along with this I’d recommend seeing a professional counselor / therapist who can help you work out your feelings, find your identity, and also help you increase your self-esteem, especially regarding your body.

Good [name_m]Luck[/name_m]! And I know, it stinks to feel so unsure of yourself.

10

Oh…good suggestion about the hormonal work up! Medications can have a huge effect on sex drive as well, and so can depression or anxiety. But, if none of these is the cause, it’s perfectly acceptable to have no interest in sex.

Regardless of your sexuality, seeing a counselor or therapist for your self esteem issues might be helpful. No one should have to be uncomfortable in their own body.

11

If you haven’t already, I recommend checking out http://www.asexuality.org/. They have a lot of articles you can read about asexuality and a large forum community. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if you don’t feel comfortable posting on the forums, you can at least read about other peoples’ experiences and see how they’ve dealt with the questions you’re facing.

12

I completely second this! I have depression and anxiety, and sometimes I have zero interest in sex at all because of it. Other times the opposite, but the point is that each person is affected differently by this kind of thing. And if you’re on certain medications that can definitely put a damper on those feelings as well.

[name_m]Even[/name_m] if it’s not chemical/hormonal/medicinal causing you to feel this way, there’s nothing wrong with you. Everybody feels differently about things like this. I second (third?) the recommendation of seeing a therapist or counselor, I’ve seen one for years and it’s just a helpful place to air out your thoughts and get an unbiased opinion, it doesn’t mean you’re not normal or there’s something wrong. If you can’t afford one or are too embarrassed, maybe keeping a journal would help? Sorry to be so cliche and unhelpful, but that’s all the advice I can give! Good luck!