So, after 10 years of infertility, charting, temperature taking, cervical mucus checking, laparoscopic surgery to increase my chances of conceiving, four rounds of IVF (resulting in two healthy children), our family was complete. Like, done done done done done. Dunzo. No more kids, thank you sir. My husband is a long-haul pilot, I’m a lawyer and we have a three and one year old. And we both turn 40 this year. I have spent the past 10 years either undergoing fertility treatment or pregnant or parenting a newborn/toddler while juggling a demanding career and being the default parent. Life is wonderful, but bordering on unmanageable and we are old and exhausted.
We took a weekend away last month to get a break from the kids and try to adult again. It was lovely. There may have been one incident of oopsie sex. But seriously, whatever, right? After approximately 1 billion sessions of deliberate, timed-to-perfection sex over a decade, we have had approximately zero positive pregnancy tests from natural means. Birth control is not on our list of issues we need to worry about.
One thing I am, though, is regular like clock-work. And so on [name_m]Saturday[/name_m], after being two or so days late, I took a pregnancy test to relieve my worry. You can probably see where this is going. I am that statistic. The one they warn you about. I am losing my freaking mind. I am trying so hard to be joyful, and I do recognize what a miracle this is and a blessing. But this was not the plan. I am frantically trying to rearrange my mental furniture to include a third child. I will have a four year-old, a two year-old and a newborn. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. And where exactly will I put such third child in our house? In our car? [name_m]How[/name_m] does one holiday with three children? [name_m]How[/name_m] does one afford three children?
My husband mentioned that he would really appreciate something special and expensive for his 40th. Well, happy birthday sweetheart, I’ve got good news and bad news … (I’m due three days before his birthday).
Please hold me and tell me it will be ok, and share any words of comfort/anecdotal evidence about why any sane person would willingly choose to have three children?! Please.
My mom had a “surprise” third as well. we had just finished building our house, for a family of four, I was 9 and my sister was 1 (so we would be 10 and 2 when the baby was born). My parents were having problems and my mom was still having issues with postpartum depression. I’ll just say that wasn’t fun. We all cried when she told us; My aunt, grandmother, mom, me and my little sister (because everyone else was and she thought she should too). it was a hard adjustment for everyone, but if my mom had been able to get proper help for her postpartum depression I think it would have been a lot better.
Babies don’t need much room, or eat very much (at first anyway) and if you can reuse baby stuff you have it won’t take much there either. fitting another baby in your life might not be as hard as you think.
I’m just pregnant with my first but my sister in law has twin 2.5 year old’s and just had a baby girl. She wanted three. While it may seem overwhelming I hope you find your 4 year old is of the right age to be fascinated by the idea, and maybe even helpful in some small ways. I’m sure it seems like some cruel trick after all the effort you spent over the last 10 years and this time it was so effortless. I would encourage you to take the next month calmly, it could go away on it’s own or you might start to find the idea not so bad after all. Either way good luck, babies are a means of hope for the future.
My cousin has three, 5, 3 and a newborn. It is difficult, but manageable and they did go on a vacation in [name_u]December[/name_u] with all three kids. My parents-in-law had a surprise 4th child after they were done with three boys, and ended up managing it.
It’ll be stressful no matter how you slice it, when the children are in the toddler/infant/baby phases. You can do this! It’ll be tough, but worth it. Is there any possibility of hiring a mother’s helper or nanny? If so I suggest doing that as it’ll be a lifesaver for you.
My best friend has 3 that are three and under! When the youngest was born in [name_f]September[/name_f], the middle was 19 months, and the oldest was still a few days shy of turning 3! They love it, and the kids are wonderful together! The two oldest share a room. They’re smart with budgeting, but neither of them have jobs making probably what you all do considering your career and still manage to go on vacation and provide and spoil their babies. In fact, they are already talking about applying to adopt another baby. You can so do it, mama! Congrats on baby #3!
PS-I’m one of three too and my brother and I are 53 weeks apart. We’re super close now. It’s great!!
Oh my, I can see where this is a complete shock to you. So unexpected and unlikely. And like you said, a miracle.
I think three children is lovely. My boyfriend comes from a family with three children, they are relatively close in age, much like yours will be. And they are such a close, happy family. I think three or four will be our number too (and I think we are quite sane so yes sane people do choose this).
Three is more playmates, more fun (of course this is more when they get a little older). Yes, also more fights, but there is the joy of watching young children interact with their siblings, loving them and helping them, usually having someone to play with/talk to/rely on and even the squabbling. And at the end of the day there is this sibling connection that is (almost) always there.
I love children and babies, and I come from a quite large family. So maybe I am a little biased (is that the right word?!) But I can tell you I am sure it will be ok, I am positive you can do it and feel happy and blessed and love the little miracle baby.
Thank you for all your lovely words of encouragement and support. I have stopped crying in the fetal position now and am starting to pull myself together. I know that this is short-term pain for long-term gain. I had been busy smugly congratulating myself for surviving the first year for the second time, and now I’m thrown back into all the uncertainty of loving someone I could lose, making it through pregnancy, morning sickness, scans, birth, breastfeeding, sleepless nights, etc. I’ve made an appointment on Thursday to see my doctor, and then I’ll take things from there.
I’m pregnant with number two but it was unplanned. We found out the week before my daughter’s first birthday… on top of that, we found out I was already 20 weeks along. I had taken for negative pregnancy tests with each month that passed as a precautionary thing -i had no idea! I had complications before I had my daughter, and was told I was likely infertile. TWO miracle babies over here- nice try, science!
So I’m right there with you in shock mode, but in a bit different way. I’ve had 3 weeks of knowing that I’m pregnant now and I am already feeling the baby kick… I have endless worries about how I didn’t take care of myself like I would had I known I was pregnant (not drinking, eating appropriately, taking prenatal, etc) how we will afford all this change at once (we are in the processe of buying our first home in a very competitive, expensive town after I quit working to be full time mommy and my husband took a financial hit to do a job he loves) but ultimately I come back to the fact that if a child is loved, cared for, and fed, they’ll be OK.
I guess my advice would be to let it soak in. Know that it will be challenging, require some life sacrifice, and a lot of other “negative” things… But you can do it, and many have done it before you. This life will bring you joy, and it will know joy and love because you and your husband had miracle “oopsie” fun. And should you open up your heart and mind to this fully and embrace it and then a worst case scenario miscarriage situation or something happens, you just find your tribe of support to mourn with and heal with. [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t stress yourself out with the worries of unknowns and possibilities now.
Congratulations,! And let those one in a million odds soak in for a minute… you just win a crazy lottery
@velvetcrush12, I just wanted to say that I hope all goes well, and that you and the family will adjust to this unexpected and awesome addition. Having three is hard for various reasons but you can do this! It’s also a really good idea to hire some extra help when you’ve got three little ones–this definitely saved my sanity when we had three under three. Anyway, do your best to hang in there and have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
Fellow urban legend here! [name_u]Eleven[/name_u] years of unexplained infertility, many failed rounds of fertility treatment (no IVF though), one successful adoption, no need for birth control, right? Then bam! Surprise baby at age 36.
DH’s aunt conceived a surprise baby after having one via IVF as well. I do think this is very rare, maybe 5% chance of spontaneous conception after long term infertility. But it’s the kind of story people love to tell, so these get repeated a lot.
Everything is going to be okay. Many car seats can go three across in the back of a regular car. I agree with mill1020, look into getting help, as much as you can afford. The first couple of years will be challenging, but it’ll get easier as they get older, right? This is what people always say anyhow…
Oh my dear girl what a miracle. This is good. [name_m]Say[/name_m] it to yourself 100 times a day, this child is so amazingly a blessing. So heres the think… two children is a handful yes, I know so well that as it turns out … you just love them and you just roll with it. As far as expenses well every family is different, yes they eat and need clothing and an education but heres the thing about that… we are a single income family, we work incredible hard to manage kids and home and finances, there are struggles and no we don’t go to many fancy travels becauee they’re young and kids don’t enjoy travels like adults do, just wit until they’re a bit older. Cut back on expensive gifts and you’ll be ok. Three is better than two… I’m oe of two and its hard because I wish I had siblings , they areeople you have for your life. this is good. Let yourself be happy.
@dalolud Wow, you found out at 20 weeks after negative tests!!! That’s a serious miracle. I can’t believe you sailed through half your pregnancy with no idea. The all-day nausea kicked in at 4 weeks over here. I have the same concerns about not taking care of myself properly before knowing. But I can say I’m very excited for you (sitting over here with none of the logistical stuff to figure out). Congratulations.
I’m really galvanised by all the positivity. I’m definitely struggling to see the woods through the trees. All the individual details are so overwhelming.
After so much medicalized fertility, my doctor’s appointment was amusing. She handed me a pamphlet, told me to stop drinking and to take folic acid and that the midwife would be in touch at some point. I asked if she was going to confirm that I was actually pregnant and she said no, the OTC tests were so accurate these days. So now I’m just waiting for someone to call me one day to let me know what happens next. My husband keeps joking that after running around and catering to my every craving, we’re going to find out that I’m not actually pregnant after all.
I know a few families with 3 under 4/5 (and one with 6 under 5). It works perfectly fine. Cars will fit 3 car seats. And you’ll find enough love and time to go round. Try not too stress yourself, hon. If God gives you a miracle, He knows you can handle it xxx