I recently found out someone very close to me is pregnant, and I was talking to my husband about it tonight and asked ‘when do you think we will start trying to conceive?’ And he suggested 2016! I’m immediately feeling very excited, but also very nervous about if I’m making the right decision for right now. I’m relatively young, but I’ve finished a degree at uni so I’m not worried about going back to study later… I love my job but I’m not so attached I wouldn’t take time off, im just nervous because I’m not sure it’s secure enough that I’ll be able to go back to it… And the real clanger is, I’ve had a pretty chronic case of depression/anxiety. I’m in a fairly good place now after a lot of help, but I’m very scared of tipping back down the hill. I know I definitely want to be a mum, but I’m not sure how to know if I’m ready?
I’m sure you’ve probably heard this one before, but you’re never ready. Not ever. My pregnancy was a surprise and I never wanted children before that, so I may have an unreliable point of view. Lol I also have depression/anxiety and there are some safe medications you can take while pregnant, but they weren’t effective for me. I am glad I went ahead and had him at age 22, as it feels like a sweet spot. (I won’t be too old when he’s still young.) His newborn stage had me the most frazzled and crazy I’ve ever been in my life, though. It wasn’t good. PPD is absolute hell. I still say that if you wait for when you’re “ready,” you’ll be too old to even get pregnant. You kind of just have to do it and deal with it as you go. Having a child is life changing in ways you can’t imagine right now, but it’s amazing.
I have to mimic what @oiseau said above. YOU [name_m]WILL[/name_m] NEVER [name_u]EVER[/name_u], [name_u]EVER[/name_u] BE READY! There will also never be the perfect time to have a kid. But I think that’s normal. You are taking on a huge responsibility that will change everything about your life. And honestly I don’t think it’s something that is comprehend-able until your kiddo will be born.
Seriously I was that girl who gave my DH a 4 years heads up on when we should be considering conceiving and he (darling man) got on board… just for me to stall for a year… lol. FYI: I’m 31 and pregnant with our first and completely embracing the fact that I am going to be overwhelmed, underprepared and just going to be winging it. But we expect it to change everything in amazing and wonderful ways. (That doesn’t mean we aren’t taking parenting classes and preparing the best we can but I just don’t think it’s something you can totally prepare for). I don’t feel ready nor is this the perfect time but hey - I’m just pretending it’s practice for everything the next 18 years is going to throw at us. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] that helps.
I posted something exactly like this back in around [name_f]September[/name_f]. My other half and have wanted it for so long, but we’ve also wanted to go on a few holidays first, plus we didnt have a house or anything at the time. I suggested we just try since we wanted it so badly but we were both kind of unsure even though we wanted it. In the end we decided we’d go on our holidays and start trying in the new year, and I’m so glad we did! In just a few months we have potentially gotten a house, we are in a better financial position and both feel 100% happy to go ahead with it!
My advice is that if you have any doubts - wait. However, if youre only having doubts because you’re nervous and youve got nothing stopping you, then go for it!
I’m going to triple what’s been said above and say YOU ARE NEVER READY. I always wanted children and it was the plan from a very young age… and even STILL I wasn’t ready.
And another point: I got married at 22 and we decided to wait a year before having kids. I got pregnant, but lost the baby. Then I got pregnant again and lost that baby too. I had my first at 26, when I planned to have it at 23. I’m just adding this to say that things don’t always go as planned, and if you wait, it may be even harder and more of a process to have children.
As far as finances and being in “the right place” to have kids… is anyone ever there completely? [name_m]Will[/name_m] you ever have everything you want in place to have kids? Maybe not. We were set up when we got married, both with jobs after post-secondary education, owning our own home. After the two miscarriages, we decided to take a break and my husband would go back to school. Of course, a month after everything was set, there I was, pregnant. Now we are expecting our second, and hubby is still in school, and guess what- we are surviving! (dare I say thriving?). You don’t have to be rich to have kids (but you do have to be frugal ;P).
Sorry for the long rant. I just want to make it clear that children are a blessing even when they aren’t convenient. Depression does throw a wrench into the plan, and I suggest that you have a support network to have around you if you do decide to have kids.
Having a child is both the easiest and hardest thing you will ever do. It is inconvenient and overwhelming, but the biggest blessing that will ever happen to you.
All the best with your decision! <3
Sorry, I have to disagree that you will never be ready. Readiness looks different for everyone, but you can certainly meet your own definition of readiness. Is this a certain number of years on the job? A particular housing situation attained? An exotic vacation enjoyed?
This is not to say that you can’t have a baby and have everything work out just beautifully when you are spectacularly un-ready. They absolutely can! But people also really do regret having kids. My mom did.
I would just encourage you and your partner to sit down and decide where you want to be before having kids. Make a post baby budget and try to live on it. If you plan to stay home, save your whole income. If you plan to pay for childcare, figure out what that will cost and save it.
Also, please don’t decide to start trying right now out of fear of potential problems. It’s true its possible, its also true that the vast majority of people conceive and deliver healthy babies with no problem. I say this as a person who took eleven years to conceive and deliver a baby. I still wouldn’t encourage anyone to start trying before they felt ready out of fear of infertility.
I did a blog post on this (link in signature), so I’ll just sum up, you will not be “ready” for a baby, but you can feel prepared/comfortable. I suggest making a list of things you want to do/have before adding a baby, such as having a house or a stable job.
I think that if and when you’re ready, you [name_m]WILL[/name_m] know it. You may still have nerves or whatever, but you will really want to have a child. And I think that’s true despite your financial/career circumstances. If these circumstances aren’t right, you may still choose to wait, but the desire to have a child will always be there. If your main reaction to the thought of having a child is anxiety, rather than excitement or “yearning” (stupid word I know, but ykwim), then you’re probably not quite ready. If you’re desperate for a child but circumstances just don’t seem right, then you’re ready emotionally, even though you may choose to wait a bit until things are more comfortable.
I would just say that, although it’s obviously nice to be in a good place financially/careerwise when you try for that first child, you absolutely [name_m]WILL[/name_m] make it work regardless. I sat my university finals 6 months pregnant and we’re now living on one (small) income, but we’re absolutely fine and my daughter has everything she needs and more. And don’t forget that you’re pregnant for 9 (looooong) months - if what’s stopping you is the desire to spend time as a couple or change jobs or travel or move house, you have more time than you think before the baby arrives!
I also disagree that you will never be ready. You can make it work if you are unprepared and you’ll never have all your ducks in a row but it’s good to have some of your ducks in a row, especially being as emotionally ready to have children. This is the first time you’ve discussed it and you are still very young and you sound like you have anxiety about it. Sit down and discuss how you both would like parenting to go, will you continue to work will you do day care, check out the cost of daycare, insurance, where will the baby sleep etc. It sounds like you want to work more and feel more secure in your job and I think that is a great idea. I would suggest working and planning and putting away savings, taking time to do the things that you’d like to do before a baby changes everything and revisiting the subject in a year. You are much too young to worry about running out of time (assuming you are at the usual graduation age). [name_m]Don[/name_m]'t let people panic you about running out of time either, being a parent in your 30’s is great. We’re not such old ladies just yet! There have been studies that say that older motherhood is better for the child anyway, parents are more patient and mature and are more prepared financially, socially etc on average. But the important thing is when YOU feel ready, don’t feel pressured to do things by someone else’s time table. (Another thing that gets easier with age, you feel more secure in yourself and don’t worry so much about what other people think).
Thanks guys. I’m still not sure I properly know the answer, but it helps to talk about it.
I think we are ready situation-wise - we’re financially stable enough, and live close to my super supportive family, and we’re not planning any big holidays or further study or anything. I guess it’s mainly the emotional side of it that’s concerning me, but I don’t know if that will go away when I have anxiety anyway… I do so want to be a mum! Those of you who have seen my posts in the name sections can probably tell that I obsess over minute details that might go wrong, so I think that combined with the surprise (I was thinking maybe 2017 - it doesn’t seem like much of a difference, but it was a big surprise at the time) triggered the uncertainty.
We’re not trying just yet. Perhaps we will midyear, depending how we go. Thankyou so much for all of your advice. 
I will say that although the timing of our first worked out amazingly well, I really felt ready about 5 years ago and if hubby had agreed to it I would have wanted kids when I was a few years younger.
Also @lexiem, I haven’t been on NB in forever, congratulations!!!
I was 24 when we had our first. We had been married for a couple years, bought a house, had great jobs… and looking back, if I could do things over I would wait another 5 years or so. We felt like we were ready, had money saved etc but we rushed things a little because our friends had started having babies already and I had assumed it would take us longer to conceive, but we got pregnant the same week I came off the pill. I feel like having more ‘us’ time before the chaos of pregnancies and babies would have been better for our relationship. You grow up really quickly when you have kids too, and dates and parties and time with friends all kind of become relics from the past.
When in doubt, wait it out.
I think it’s important to determine what is making you hesitate. We had some specific reasons why we wanted to wait, but they had a timeline so once it was complete we were going to consider trying to conceive. When the time finally came around we were both a little nervous (my husband especially) so we just discussed and reassessed the situation each month. It really helped to have a couple of months just to think about it and get used to the idea, and because we were reassessing each month it got us actually talking about it and talking about what our reservations were. Recently, we both came to a decision that it’s time to start our family. We realized that the only thing holding us back was nerves, and while I do think not being emotionally ready is a perfectly legitimate reason to delay having kids, for us talking over the last few months helped us adjust to the idea and realize that we’ll always have some nerves, but where we were right now in life the nerves weren’t enough to hold us back.
If nerves are your primary concern take some time to make sure that it’s just your nerves holding you back and not something more specific. Take some time to make sure it’s the right decision, but don’t let a few nerves get in the way of your desire to have kids.
I’ve been wondering the same thing! I’m going off BC in [name_f]October[/name_f] and will actively be trying [name_u]January[/name_u] 2017 (if it happens right after I stop the pill that’s fine with us, I just want to give it a bit to get out if my system). It totally freaks me out and I really don’t think that you are ever ready. I’ve somewhat resigned to that fact and think of it more as “am I willing to give up things I have/want for a baby?” If the answer is yes then I am “ready” if not I should wait until I’m okay with sacrifices that will have to be made.
@moonkai Thanks Hun.
I just wanted to add that if you feel your anxiety/depression is a the major factor in holding you back from having kids you should talk to your mental health care provider about that. S/he will probably know best where you are at and be able to make a plan with you - if this means needing to switch to baby-safe meds or just creating and actual plan that helps you feel less anxious. I’m sure that whatever you and your SO decide will end up being right. (Anecdotally: My mom waited until she was 42 and she still tells me she wasn’t ready for me to be born - despite being a pediatric nurse in a NICU for many years. She had talked to a psychiatrist if it was “fair” to have a kid so late in life as a single women and his answer was “if your first reaction was excitement at being pregnant then you should have your child” - I feel like that’s a good measure - and you did say you were excited by his proposal of 2016 despite being nervous and anxious).
I also wanted to join in on disagreeing with the “you are never ready” sentiment. It depends on the couple. Some may never feel ready, but we knew what to expect and were prepared. (We were 29 and 41). [name_m]Plenty[/name_m] of infertile couples feel ready as well. I like the “when in doubt, wait it out” saying.
You’re never going to be ready. Babies are hard work and there’s no ‘right’ time. I was convinced I wouldn’t have babies till after 30 but oops I had my first at 25. I was riddled with anxiety the whole pregnancy, I wasn’t married to her Dad and I knew I didn’t really ever want to be which made things much worse. I was also worried about having depression and anxiety, I finally did something about my depression when I was 19 and had spent every day since then trying very, very hard to manage it. I thought an unplanned baby might undo all my hard work. It didn’t. I stayed on medication, talked to my doctors a LOT and went through every anxiety I had with my psychologist. And despite what I’d thought, having a baby at 25 didn’t ruin my life plan, I am lucky because I know it can really throw a spanner in the mix for some people but it’s not the end of everything. As long as you try and stay calm (at least half of the time haha) and communicate with your partner you will be ready to be completely ‘unready’ haha.