— how naming can heal 🪶

Name Advice
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hi friends, and happy sunday 🫶🏼

i’m here to talk names, of course, but i’m here to talk about something else too. as most of you know, my husband and i are currently expecting a baby due in may. our little rainbow :rainbow:

early in this pregnancy, i dreamt our little one’s name was shiloh jude. we loved it, but weren’t the most sure it was fitting. later, we were inspired by family names, and have loosely decided on harlan jesse, if the baby is a boy, and lenora willa ruth, if the baby is a girl.

i still adore these names, but i’m having a hard time committing. i have been struggling with a lot of grief during this pregnancy, and although it has been hard, it has been healing, too. i am finally feeling all the sadness i tucked away all those years ago, when we lost our first baby. i’ve realized that the naming aspect of this pregnancy feels hard, because that was all i really got to do with our first. choosing her name was the only connection i had to her. i didn’t get to pick out clothing for her- i never got to hear her heartbeat- and i never was able to share the news with family and friends. all i have is her name, and i think that’s why i’m putting so much pressure on myself to find the “perfect name” for this baby.

to make matters more difficult, my husband and i aren’t really agreeing on our boy names. we went on a two hour hike the other day, and discussed it the entire time. we couldn’t find any middle ground- he is really adamant that the names i had chosen for my son forever- (wilder, shepherd, judah, and silas) do not fit our little boy. he is wanting something much more fitting for a cowboy, and while i love those names, i truthfully imagine my son with something much softer and woodsy.

oof. i know that was a lot, and i appreciate those of you who read it. i guess i just am feeling like i need an outlet for these feelings.

i would appreciate any thoughts or advice on this matter, and please know that if you are or have dealt with something similar, that i would love to be your shoulder, if that is what you are needing.

sending you all so much love :white_heart:

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I know how you feel as i’m pregnant with our rainbow baby currently too, we didn’t know if our angel was a boy or a girl as it was still pretty early in the pregnancy and never really named them, but it does feel weird thinking about using names that we also thought about using during that pregnancy. We eliminated the name [name_f]Rosemary[/name_f] for this reason, I love it but it was my favorite name for a girl at that time. We didn’t have a clear name we loved for a boy at that time so boys names didn’t feel so hard this time around. We are 25 weeks with a baby girl :heartpulse: and her name is [name_f]Bonnie[/name_f] [name_f]Helen[/name_f]. It can be really emotional dealing with loss, I know we got pregnant right after our miscarriage and I sort of had to replace my sorrow with hope and that was a hard transition.

I am obsessed with your naming style! [name_f]Shiloh[/name_f] [name_m]Jude[/name_m] is gorgeous :heart_eyes: I actually made a topic about loving [name_f]Shiloh[/name_f] but not being able to use it bc someone in my family has the name. It’s so soft and sweet yet strong too. If you’re looking for a country boy name with a balance of soft/strong, we chose the name [name_m]Marshall[/name_m] for our firstborn son and to this day love it :heart: it means horse caretaker and his room has vintage photos of horses that hubby’s grandma gave us, which is so special. I think [name_m]Shepherd[/name_m] also has a soft yet strong country vibe that blends you and hubby’s naming styles well! Other names on my list that fit the vibe are [name_m]Clifford[/name_m] “Cliff”, [name_m]Sawyer[/name_m], [name_m]Callahan[/name_m] “Cal”, [name_m]Kenneth[/name_m] “Kenny”, [name_m]Roscoe[/name_m] “Ross”, [name_m]Reuben[/name_m] “Rue” or “Ben”
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you’re able to find healing along this journey :pray:t2:

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this sounds really tough, especially when you know how significant and meaningful the act of naming can be. sending you lots of good thoughts :heart:

this might not work at all for you, but I wonder if having a short list of names for when baby arrives might be better than narrowing it down to finalised combinations? one might stand out as right for this baby, and it will be so much more than a name you’re giving.

I think the key this here is our little boy - if softer names don’t feel right for him and all-cowboy style doesn’t feel right for you, it might be worth looking for middle ground or looking at a dew outside either category. You may well have already done this exercise, but maybe have both of you write up a list of your favourites/what you think fits - then see if there are any crossovers, any that you love on each others list

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@aylacoggins first of all, i am so sorry for the loss of your sweet angel. i can only imagine how hard a pregnancy so soon after loss would be to navigate, and i want to extend congratulations, and prayers that both you and bonnie helen will remain healthy and safe! :white_heart:

shiloh is super lovely. our last name starts with an sh- sound and that is sort of why my husband is having a harder time loving shiloh and shepherd, which i totally understand. he’s not the biggest fan of alliteration! maybe i will use them for fur babies someday!

i adore your son’s name. i grew up with a marshall, and so it is not on our list, but i have always loved it. i love that connection to horses as well, and bonnie goes so well as a little sister! roscoe and sawyer were on our list as well, and callahan is so so sweet! :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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thank you so much for your kindness and great advice, grace. 🫶🏼

we’ve been working on a loose “fun” list, trying to relieve some of the pressure we’ve put on ourselves, so hopefully that will help some. and yes, i think we’ll have to find some lists that collaborate more cowboy names with those softer, woodsy names, and see what common ground we can find!

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though i did not go through it myself, my parents have lost two babies. as a result, i am a rainbow baby. the second time, my whole family was under a lot of stress and going through trials of a lifetime. i was old enough to remember the day my mother miscarried, and, though i didn’t fully understand the gravity of what had happened, i still remember my mother crouching in the bathroom holding the embryo. i think she ended up burying it in a pot with an orchid, but i’m not sure. the baby would’ve been the tenth baby, and sometimes we wonder what life would’ve been like with ten, but nine is what God gave my parents. :dove:

i guess all i can advise you on the naming aspect – though it might not be the best – is compromise. i’ve heard people say that marriage is a compromise which means your children’s names will be too, although we name nerds don’t like to hear it. :seedling:

i cannot imagine what you – and other women – have gone through, but i’m so glad you got your little rainbow :rainbow:

edit: i absolutely adore your naming style. it has helped me find my own. :white_heart:

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oh, vivi. thank you so much for your response. i am so sorry for the loss your family has experienced. how beautiful that there are ten of you- including those earthside and in heaven. my husband and i would love a large family someday.

it is so difficult to compromise, but honestly, kind of fun too. as name nerds, we would have it far to easy if we didn’t have any stipulations holding us back- that’s how i’m choosing to see it anyway- as a fun challenge!

our first daughter’s name came to me in a dream. when i began miscarrying, i fell unconscious, i met our daughter, and she told me her name. i know it was divine inspiration, and so it felt so easy and so right. i may not have that with this baby, and i need to keep reminding myself that that is okay!

i really needed to hear this. thank you, again, dear :white_heart:

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Naming is such a challenging process when you’re naming an actual individual. I think as a name nerd there’s an extra level of pressure as we put so much care/love/energy/time into names. However naming an actual baby is a whole different thing that conjures up lots of emotions rather than the things we imagine when we create lists that are not in associate of an actual baby. These emotions do not even take into consideration other factors such as baby loss and the need to heal. [name_f]Baby[/name_f] loss is such a huge issue that’s almost taboo topic so it’s great that Nameberry is a forum where those who have experienced baby loss can create posts like this where other people can also respond and attempt to heal together.

I have experienced baby loss and it’s an all encompassing experience that you do carry with you especially when you’re expecting your rainbow baby. I have spoken openly about my pregnancy loss on forums but my journey is that I experienced my first pregnancy loss when I had just turned 17 at 23 weeks and 6 days. It was an awful incredibly abusive relationship there were lots of factors that resulted in me not being able to truly heal from that loss/relationship. However her name [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] [name_f]Ann[/name_f] has tons of significance and really shaped my future naming journeys. I think what helped was that everyone was aware of [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] as I was later into my pregnancy so it felt more contextualised and real. Whereas my early pregnancy loss that I experienced 10 months before falling pregnant with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] was very different. Firstly it was in a new relationship, I was older and I was poorly with my kidneys in need of an operation etc. The physical stress on my body of the operation that I had to have caused me to miscarry at 8 weeks pregnant. It was weird a very different experience to [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] but I just felt lost. I think what helped was choosing a name for this baby that felt like a sibling too [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f]. In my head (I think because I had a girl previously) I thought this baby that I lost was also a girl. So I went ahead with finding a name that I felt was a natural sister for [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] and chose [name_f]Caroline[/name_f]. This really helped with healing process.

Moving forward to my rainbow baby my precious girl [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] and I found choosing a name that worked with [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] & [name_f]Caroline[/name_f] but felt distinctive really helped with healing. Choosing names to help with the healing process was really cathartic whilst also talking about [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] & [name_f]Caroline[/name_f] during my pregnancy it just helped massively with understanding my emotions. I think it may help you when it comes to naming this little one whilst trying to help with your loss. Maybe think does [name_m]Harlan[/name_m] or [name_f]Lenora[/name_f] work as a sibling to [name_f]Willa[/name_f]? Could you see them as siblings? I think it may help you acknowledge and heal from that loss. It really did with me. I also found having therapy during my pregnancy helped me tons and I feel I am a better parent too [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] as a result of continuous therapy.

I have to also say naming is actually really hard in general and it is normal to have doubts about your choices. It’s normal to think I absolutely love [name_f]Shiloh[/name_f] [name_m]Jude[/name_m] however this isn’t actually my baby name whilst thinking yes I’ve nailed [name_m]Harlan[/name_m] [name_m]Jesse[/name_m] then a few months later thinking no [name_m]Calloway[/name_m] [name_m]Shepherd[/name_m] (completely made this one up) is the one. I was so so indecisive when it came to naming [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] and there were so many names I toyed with which were completely my vibe but not the one. Furthermore we do have to compromise with our partners which may mean we end up choosing a name we couldn’t envision using but settled for as middle ground. A name that you learn to love but isn’t your go too and that is completely fine. Take the pressure off [name_f]Hannah[/name_f] you have tons of time to nail the perfect name. Your style is gorgeous so you will get there :yellow_heart:

Wishing you all the best

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tori, i am so sorry for the loss of your two angels, and all the pain that you have gone through. how lovely that you’ve turned all that hurt into so much kindness and understanding for others. i truly hope that your heart is healing. :white_heart:

i adore the names you have chosen, lilia, alexandra ann, and caroline as well. all are so classic and beautiful, and have such a song-like quality. there is so much love in those choices, and it shines through.

you’ve brought up something that i communicated to my partner the other night. i almost broke down crying when he had mentioned a name that started with “w”. that was the point where i had found out why i was struggling so much with this baby’s name. i would never use a “w” name if willa was earthside, and naming this baby as if she is here, is very healing. thank you for this piece of advice. i know it will be helpful for us

thank you, friend. i am so grateful for you and the friendship we’ve cultivated here :seedling:

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[name_m]Hi[/name_m] [name_f]Hannah[/name_f]

I’m glad that we’ve cultivated this friendship too I’m sending so much love your way 🩷

Honestly I think the best moment where I felt this sense of peace from everything once when I held [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] in my arms. [name_f]My[/name_f] own precious piece of heaven that overwhelming sense of joy when you have your own baby after baby loss is amazing. So I definitely feel more ‘healed’ and definitely have a happier outlook on life all thanks to my cheeky ever so annoying beyond gorgeous kind little [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

Thank you I’m really happy with the names I’ve chosen and how they all sound together with [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] feeling slightly distinctive from my angels but having that classic sound as you say they have a nice ring to them when said together. Honestly [name_f]Hannah[/name_f] I think it’ll help you massively by acknowledging [name_f]Willa[/name_f] in your naming process and choosing names that sound like a sibling to [name_f]Willa[/name_f]. Also make sure your partner knows that you want the name to work with [name_f]Willa[/name_f] which means not choosing W names as you wouldn’t want siblings to share initials etc. Then at least he knows and can understand.

Looking forward to following your naming journey

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