[name_m]Hi[/name_m] there, I’m hoping you might be able to help with some advice as to how I might be able to tell my best friend that I am pregnant.
It is a complicated situation. My friend and I are both in our 30s. She has always wanted children for as long as I can remember, however she has had a lot of bad luck in relationships and is currently single. She is just coming out of an extremely bad break up - they broke up the day I found out I was pregnant. I haven’t always been as enthusiastic as she was about having children, however, we have wanted this for some time and my husband and I are over the moon that we are going to be parents, after having had some minor complications ttc.
I will be 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I have tried really hard to organise to meet up with her, but for various reasons it hasn’t happened. Part of me worries she suspects and is avoiding me but I think that is just my hormones talking! The rational part of me knows she is going through a really tough time at the moment and that she often avoids people, including me, when she is not coping. I haven’t seen her since the day I found out (her break up day) and I didn’t feel right telling her then.
Now I feel it is never going to be a good time to tell my friend and the longer I wait, the worse I feel about not telling her because I think she will be sad that I waited so long to tell her. I don’t want to hurt my friend but I also don’t want to make her feel worse about her situation, as I know she is already struggling.
So I’m not sure what to do. I will keep trying to see her in person, but what is the best way to tell her?? And, what do I do if it gets to 12weeks or more and I can’t see her? I really feel like a text or Facebook msg is the wrong way to do this, but am worried about leaving it too long and upsetting her more.
Most people wait till the 3 month mark to tell people anyway, so there is no need to feel guilty for not telling her now. Most understand you want to wait till you are sure the pregnancy is viable before telling everyone. If she’s upset that you didn’t tell her right away, just explain that you hadn’t told anyone yet or if you had told people, just tell her your true feelings, then you were worried that it would upset her.
I think the best way to do it is just tell her in person, but if you can’t meet up, a phone call would be more personable then a text. Sure she is having a tough time, but a true friend should still be excited for you.
Since she doesn’t seem able to meet up, you can always call and just offer to be there for her, ask her if she needs anything, let her know that she can call you when she feels like hanging out or just wants some help around the house. [name_m]Just[/name_m] show her you want to be there for her. Then when you hit the 3 month mark, let her know that you are expecting.
If she gets upset, just give her some time to cool off or maybe it’s time to rethink the friendship. Not all friendships are healthy and when you have a baby, a lot of the time you lose touch with your single friends anyway. Sometimes you just have to know when to let one go and move on, it can be tough, but there are plenty of other people in the world to be friends with!
I just wanted to second the fact that a lot of people wait until the first trimester is over before telling anyone-- so basically you have a good excuse up until about twelve weeks. Good luck!
I have been in a similar position to your friend- my husband and I struggled with infertility from about 2004 to 2010. I’ve also been on your side of things, when we unexpectedly conceived this year.
For me, it was actually easiest for friends to tell me they were expecting over the phone. This way I didn’t have to worry about my reaction as much. I want to emphasize- I was always very happy for my friends! But it is still hard to hear sometimes, especially when the timing is particularly unfortunate. So it was nice to have a heads up and a little time to compose myself before seeing pregnant friends in person. That said, I wouldn’t do a text or Facebook message. That is really too impersonal.
I would either:
call her and tell her over the phone
have her come over or you go over there and tell her in privacy. If you are afraid this will be hard for her to hear, don’t tell her out in public
[name_f]Do[/name_f] not tell her in front of other friends (like don’t announce it at a party, etc.) And don’t just put a notice on Facebook.
As to waiting this long, I think that is pretty normal. You often can’t hear a heartbeat till 10 weeks so I waited that long to tell anybody. You can always tell her you were overwhelmed and didn’t feel ok about telling anybody yet.
Thanks so much everyone for all of your advice. I have also been in the position of my friend, so I think that is why I am extra conscious about how she is going to feel when I tell her. It has been hard news for me to hear in the past.
I agree it definitely needs to be done privately and the suggestion of calling her is good. I hadn’t thought that she may prefer to have that privacy to react however she needs to. I don’t mind if she is initially upset, I understand that reaction, I just hate the fact that I need to tell her when she is going through such a bad patch.
And I also agree, I definitely would never tell her through a public announcement on Facebook, I don’t even intend to make a public Facebook announcement, even after 12 weeks.
I’d wait until just before telling anyone else (after 12 weeks), and give her a phone call. I’d preface the info letting her know that you wanted to tell her your news before word hit the street about it, and while you know it’s a sensitive topic, she’s a special part of your life, and you want her to hear about it straight from you.
Then, when you become the ‘talk of the town,’ at least she’ll feel like an insider, and not completely on the sidelines.
I second everything that @TarynKay said. We have been TTC for almost 2.5 years. I am always happy for my friends, but prefer them not to tell me they are expecting in person, simply because while I am happy for them, I’m going through a million emotions (and hormones, etc.) and I will be mortally embarrassed if my first reaction is tears. It’s not that I’m angry or upset about it; it’s that I am an emotional basket case at the moment, and pretty much anything triggers tears. I think phone is probably the best. I actually prefer to hear by email so that I can collect my thoughts and respond, but I know many people find that awkward, so phone is good. The absolute worst was when I found about about my best friend’s pregnancy via Facebook. It hurt a lot, and still does.
Thank you so much for all of your advice. I would never tell my friend via a public Facebook post, I can imagine how hurtful that would be. I have decided to wait until the 12 week mark and, while I’d prefer to tell my friend in person in private, I am considering the other options as I want to give her the space to process the news. Thanks again everyone and best wishes to you maggiefromcanada.