[name_f]My[/name_f] husband is a III and should we have a son, he has stated that he prefers for him to be a IV. [name_f][/name_f] I do not dislike my husband’s name, but neither his first nor middle names are ever ones I’d want to give my son. [name_f][/name_f] Moreover, we’re likely only going to have one child, and it would really suck to have been completely cut out of the naming process for my only child.
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How do I approach this with him? [name_f][/name_f] I can understand a desire to pass on a legacy, but to me, that’s what the man’s last name is (baby will take hubby’s last name). [name_f][/name_f] I’m even willing to compromise and give the baby his middle name. [name_f][/name_f] But I would like to have some say in the child’s name. [name_f][/name_f] I’m going to be doing all the hard work bringing this child into the world–I should get a say in what I name my only child.
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Has anyone else had this issue? [name_f][/name_f] How did you go about it? [name_f][/name_f] How did your husband take it?
I don’t have personal experience with this issue, but I understand your frustration. You 100% should have a say in your child’s name!! Though I also understand your husband’s perspective – I would be less convinced if he just wanted a “Junior”, but when it’s been going on 3 generations already, I understand why he might feel strongly about continuing the tradition.
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[name_f]My[/name_f] piece of advice would be to consider using both his first and middle name as middles, if you’re open to it, and then choosing a new first name you like. So if he’s [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] [name_m]Smith[/name_m], your son could be [name_m]Levi[/name_m] [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] [name_m]Smith[/name_m]. That way the full family name still gets passed down, but you also get to choose a name.
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I also think giving the baby his middle name makes sense – my parents did that, as my father is a [name_m]Jr[/name_m]. but his first name is super outdated and my mom didn’t want to use it for a son (plus it has no nickname options besides the one my dad uses, so it would’ve been confusing). They ended up giving my brother the same middle name as my father/grandfather and chose a new first name that my mom loved.
If he really is dead set about sharing a first name you could always pick out a middle you love and your baby can go by his middle name instead, to avoid the confusion of both having the same name. [name_f][/name_f]At the end of the day though you do deserve just as much say in your child’s name (maybe even a tad bit more)
I think it would be better to have an honest conversation sooner rather than later. You very much should be able to have a say in your baby’s name [name_f][/name_f]- and you should both[name_f][/name_f] be happy with the final option!
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I’d suggest coming up with several possible compromises such as…
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A first name you both like, followed by his first and middle name as a double middle. So let’s say he was [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Michael[/name_m] and you both liked [name_m]Arlo[/name_m], his full name could be [name_m]Arlo[/name_m] [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Michael[/name_m] IV
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Matching initials [name_f][/name_f]- you could use your husband’s actual middle and pair it with a first name starting with the same letter as his? (Using the example above, it could be [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Michael[/name_m] could become [name_m]Jasper[/name_m] [name_m]Michael[/name_m], or [name_m]Jett[/name_m] Milo)
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Variations on his name. Are there any variants or similar sounding options that you do like? so he’d still have your husband’s name but his own form of it? (using the above example, [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Michael[/name_m] → [name_m]Ivan[/name_m] Micah)
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an additional middle name of your choosing that you could call your son (e.g [name_m]John[/name_m] [name_m]Michael[/name_m] [name_m]Flynn[/name_m] called ‘Flynn’)
Having a baby in itself is a legacy [name_f][/name_f]- literally passing on your DNA [name_f][/name_f]- and like you said, your husband is also passing on his last name, so it’s not like he’s not “passing on” anything if you don’t also use his first name.
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Your baby is made up of both of you, and their name should reflect that. I think both parents should love the name(s) and neither has more “naming right” than the other.
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I would definitely discuss it with your hubby sooner rather than later, which gives you more time to come to a compromise. Maybe ask why he wants to pass on his name [name_f][/name_f]- does he really love his name, does he feel family pressure, etc? Understanding his why can help you know how to discuss it in the most effective way.
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I have family members that all have the same first name because of tradition, but are called by their middle name to stop confusion, so perhaps you could compromise in a similar way. Find a middle name you both love and call him that, but he would still technically be a IV.
If it was me, I would agree under conditions we have another kid. [name_f][/name_f]I find this tradition very memorable, but would hate to never name my own kid. [name_f][/name_f]What if you only have girl? Lets say your only child is girl, would you still have the say or will he insist on feminization of his name? Are you pregnant currently?
I agree with much of what other posters have to say so I won’t repeat everything. tl;dr, I would have a major problem with the situation regardless of whether I like the name or not, or if it would be my only child. it comes off as patriarchal at best and narcissistic at worst for me.
one angle that I will mention is the precedent this would set for your future son. if you have a boy and he’s a IV, that just kicks this can of breaking tradition vs not down the road 30ish years. you’d be giving him this family tradition that he could either embrace or throw out, potentially putting himself or his future spouse in the spot of facing the music with his older family members (not sure how your in-laws feel about the situation). personally, id rather be in the line of fire so to speak over my child and/or their future partner. I also wouldn’t want to put your child’s future partner potentially in the same difficult situation that you’re in.
and even if that situation never occurs… maybe your son chooses not to have children or is totally fine breaking tradition even in the face of family adversity… I still think it’s pretty effed up to have to relinquish your part of the naming process entirely, especially if your child will have your husband’s last name already. your husband’s parents and grandparents had their opportunity to name their children and they made their choice, but that should absolutely not have to impact yours. the same way that im sure there are other parenting choices that your in-laws made which you and your husband have decided/will decide to deviate from.
Personally I agree with the majority of the berries you should have a say in what you name your child. I actually think you should have more of a say as your the one enduring pregnancy, labour and postpartum period. Furthermore as we know being a mother normally makes you the default parent so you’ll be doing most of the legwork throughout their lives so yes you should have a say and you should assert yourself early on by establishing that you want a say with this baby’s name. Also future generations will be grateful that you’ve smashed this patriarchal tradition by not having a IV. I haven’t endured this but my mother did. My dad’s family had the tradition of boys being named Robert John, next generation John Robert, next generation Robert John in this pattern since as far as he could trace his family tree but my mum refused to follow this pattern. She said it was her son and she would name him what she wanted so they went with William Leonardo John (Leonardo is a family name from my mums side) and I’m so grateful she did break this tradition as
me and my siblings have naming freedom! We are not governed by patriarchal expectations surrounding legacy. I strongly recommend breaking this legacy but that’s just my feminist thought process.
Furthermore his legacy is being passed down through DNA and his surname. How much more of a legacy does he require to be passed down? Also has he stopped to consider that you are also an individual therefore has familial history aka a legacy that you can also bestow in whatever shape or form onto your child? This whole thing feels so him and his family focused. As @SparkleNinja18 said this gives narcissistic vibes it’s just not the best.
Anyways moving away from my feminist smash the
patriarchy thoughts and onto solutions I would follow @EagleEyes idea of having two middle names consisting of this legacy name. As they explained and I’m reiterating have for example the legacy name of for example Thomas John in the middle spot with your name upfront. For example Isaac Thomas John Cunningham then you’ve passed on this legacy name with Thomas John but you’ve also been included with Isaac. Furthermore this prevents any confusion of having two Thomas John’s within the house and in the future referring to your forty year old son as little Thomas which isn’t the best and I see in so many ‘legacy’ households.
