I have to use IVF to get pregnant. I will be a solo parent. Ideally, I’d like a boy and a girl, but I don’t know how well I could do mentally/emotionally with two on my own 24/7.
[name_f][/name_f]This may be a touchy subject for some… If you could only have one kid and could choose the sex, which would you choose and why? I am a woman if it matters.
Aahhh gosh this is really personal for me but wanted to share as I feel it’s relevant.
[name_f][/name_f]I really wanted a girl and I was so relieved at the time when I went for my 20 week scan that I was having a girl. When I fell pregnant it was unexpected and I have gone through a very difficult road with my ex partner. As I knew I would be a single parent I wanted a daughter as I felt I could relate to her and understand her more as she grew up with us both being girls. Furthermore for me there was the added layer off ethnicity being a factor my ex partner is black [name_f]British[/name_f] so I knew of course my child would be mixed race so in my mind at least with having a daughter there is an element of her identity I can relate to whereas with a boy there would be no part of his lived identity I could relate to which may prove harder for me and my hypothetical son. Thinking about it now though of course I would have loved my son just as much as my daughter and I would have related/tried to understand along with educate myself about the male experience as he would have been my son so of course that would have happened. I think it was just initial worries when embarking on a rather daunting journey. Anyways I think this whole thing is really personal but hope my ramblings are sort of helpful.
Maybe not what you’re asking maybe is but nonetheless it is my own experience…. but I personally wouldn’t ever choose because I’ve learned I truly don’t know what’s best. I have been team green pregnant 4 times and tried to guess 4 times what I was having and 4 times I was wrong [name_f][/name_f]. And now that my kids each who’s gender that I thought and mentally prepared for was going to be the opposite of what actually came to be [name_f][/name_f] I truly wouldn’t have any other way. [name_f]My[/name_f] oldest is a boy. I grew up a super big girly girl so I didn’t think I would know how to raise a boy. But man he’s a blessing. When I was pregnant with my second I thought oh boy mom title [name_f][/name_f] here I come….. and it was a girl (hubby equally shocked). And not for nothing having a boy or a girl doesn’t really tell you what their interests or personality will be. [name_f]My[/name_f] daughter isn’t the first granddaughter on one side of the family but she is the first girly girl. [name_f]My[/name_f] hubby is all into hunting and our boys were loaded with camo baby clothes from others a result…. But hunting is far from their interests. I’m now team green number 5 and I’m trying my hardest to just be mentally gender neutral this time around [name_f][/name_f] on what I’m carrying because seriously I clearly don’t know best.
I think 90% of a child’s behaviour and actions when they’re little just comes down to personality. Our daughter loves being outside and being busy and can be a bit wild at times, just like some of the little boys we know. On the other hand, one friend’s little boy is quiet and enjoys indoor activities. Gender only plays a tiny part in personality and preferences, I find. [name_f]My[/name_f] point being, I don’t think choosing one or other would be better suited to your situation. Either gender child could end up quiet or wild.
[name_f][/name_f]To answer your question, though, I would pick a girl, if I could only have one. I always wanted to be a girl mum, and really, really hoped our first would be a girl (and she was). I grew up mostly around girls and felt I knew how to deal with a girl, whereas potentially having a boy stressed me out because I didn’t feel like I’d know how to relate to a boy.
[name_f][/name_f]Your personality and that of your donor (I assume?) also play a big part. If you’re a quiet type and hope for a quieter child, I’d look for a donor with similar personality traits. I am amazed how much of my and my husband’s personality comes out in our daughter. Children learn a lot through environment, but there’s no denying how strong genetics are when it comes to personality and mannerism (our daughter does this thing that my grandfather does, but I don’t! But she’s never met him!)
I’m a high school senior and not close to being a parent… but I do think if I could pick I’d like a girl. I have two younger sisters so I’ve always grown up with girls only and for years I couldn’t even imagine myself with a son. Lately I’ve been loving the idea of a sweet baby boy (I’m sure in part because I’ve been happy with my boy names 
) and I now know I’d be happy with either, but I’ve always and forever dreamt of having at least one daughter.
If I knew I’d have several kids I don’t think I’d lean strongly either way, but if I could only have one kid I would pick a girl. One child wouldn’t have siblings to play with (my siblings have been a big part of my experience growing up) so would spend more time with me… and I feel like I could understand and connect with a daughter more.
[name_f][/name_f]But at this point I’m years away from parenthood so all this could change!
I wouldn’t choose. I have one of each and love them both equally as I’m sure you would regardless of gender.
[name_f][/name_f]But for you I say boy! I think the absence of a father in a girls life especially might have a bigger affect and it’s true what they say about boys being total mamas boys. It’s the sweetest thing 
[name_m]You[/name_m] probably already know this, but with IVF it is likely that you will end up knowing that some embryos are more likely to lead to successful pregnancies than others. [name_f]In[/name_f] my sister’s case, her best two embryos are female. Some people could have the reverse. I’d probably pick based off embryo quality.
[name_f][/name_f]That said, if I could choose and I were solo parenting, I would likely choose a daughter just because I think kids tend to be more comfortable going to a same sex parent about puberty-related stuff.
I would let nature decide. I would not want too choose
[name_f]My[/name_f] wife and I have gone through IVF. We have a girl and a boy on ice. I want a boy, she wants a girl. Ultimately the doctor has said that the girl embryo is “stronger” so we’re planning on putting her in first.
[name_f]Nature[/name_f] can’t choose in this case. [name_f]My[/name_f] country allows the sex to be disclosed and to choose which is used. All I could do is tell the doctor or embryologist to choose one. I don’t think I want to do that.
I’m also pursing solo mothering through IUI/IVF! Honestly, I only want daughters, hopefully 3. For me, there’s another layer added because I’m a single mom. There is no “father figure” in the picture and I have no idea what it’s like being a boy/man. I do know what it takes to be a strong, independent woman though.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot as of late, since it seems very likely that if I have biological children, I will have to take the path of IVF to achieve it (whether because I’m becoming a solo parent or because I have a partner who can’t get me pregnant). I know that I have gender preference when it comes to my future children. I have tried for years to get over it, to fight it, to reverse it, and I think that I have now come to peace with it.
I know that every child is different, and that every child has their own struggles and surprises. I know that I have strong values, and that this is the biggest indicator of what values a child would grow up to have. I know that I wouldn’t find it difficult at all to love my child, and that their chromosomes would have nothing to do with it.
but I also know that if I have the option between two healthy embryos, one of each sex, I will have a preference. and I will pick based on that.
I’m still open to discussions of ethics about this, though I’ve done a lot of research and personal soul-searching so far. (I actually wrote a persuasive essay in high school about how I believed people shouldn’t be allowed to choose the sex of an embryo… so, go figure.) I would also be fully supportive if my child grew into a gender identity which didn’t align with their sex assigned at birth. I’m an atheist—I don’t believe there’s a higher power that will “give me what I need” or “knows what’s best for me”.
That makes total sense! For me if there’s information I know it’s impossible not to factor it into the situation! If I had to make this choice, I would probably choose first on which embryo was most viable [name_f][/name_f]- this might be a good option for you since it seems you don’t already have a preference.
[name_f][/name_f]If there were equally viable embryo options of both genders, I would choose based on what I felt most confident in. I am a woman, but I grew up with brothers and always felt out of my depth in stereotypical “girl things.” However, I also feel that it would be easier for me to help a daughter address issues of growing up than a son since I have experience facing them. As @SparkleNinja18[name_f][/name_f] said (or at least how I interpreted it), some of the issues that boys face while they’re growing up are things I would feel out of my depth in trying to help my son confront.
[name_f][/name_f]When I do become a parent, I will have a male partner, and in that case I probably would prefer a son. I know my husband has experience with the challenges boys face and could help guide my son through that, and I feel more confident in some stereotypical “boy interests” than I do “girl interests.” Ultimately though, those things don’t really matter. [name_f]Every[/name_f] kid has their own interests, and my fear of not being able to help my daughter do her hair very well (if that is something that she happens to want) is a lot less important than my knowledge of what it is like growing up as a girl in society and the pressures of body image, perfectionism, etc. and what I’ve learned about facing those. [name_f]So[/name_f], if I was a single parent and had to choose a gender, I would choose a daughter since I don’t know what it’s like to grow up as a boy facing those pressures.
[name_f][/name_f]I hope this makes sense and is helpful! This is just what my own thought process would be [name_f][/name_f]- I hope that these insights from everyone help you in your own thought processes analyzing your own strengths and abilities as a potential parent. Ultimately, parenting either gender is hard and rewarding and there are so many resources that make it possible, whatever gender you choose or end up with.
If you asked me before I had children, I wouldn’t have had a real preference. I almost definitely would have said boy though, because that’s just what I’d always imagined us with.
Now I have a daughter, I just can’t imagine changing anything about her, so I would emphatically say girl (for my own life, that is).
My point is, you will wholeheartedly love whichever flavour of child you get - gender, personality, appearance etc. Even if it doesn’t conform to what you thought it might be like.
The embryos will likely be implanted based on grading and screening for abnormalities. Even though your state allows you to know the sex, it doesn’t mean you would have to pick based on that. I would wait and see what the best option for you was at the time - I had friends do IVF who ended up with 7 healthy embryos, that all happened to be female! 
Due to having been forced into the female gender group (I’m agender) and suffered for it countless times as I’m sure many or most of you can probably relate to (sexism), I was always extremely curious about and desirous of masculinity. So I think from that standpoint, alongside a couple of others factors (was a bit of an “older sister” to a few little boys), I’ve felt I wanted a boy since I dreamed of it years ago. It’s felt right ever since - I think too, the concept of teaching a boy to be in touch with his emotions and to lead with empathy when that is so evidently needed in the world, was such a fulfilling prospect. I’m child-free by choice now, so no children for me, but I’ve gone back a little bit on wanting a boy. Nothing has changed about how I once felt, but recent experiences have made me witness just how much little girls need babying and looking after too.
This is getting personal now, apologies, but honestly, I was a victim of male attention way too early and there were some inappropriate things happening at school in that area. Recently having observed at a boys’ school where the boys are adored and, I quote, treated and seen as “puppies”, and told girls can be “catty”, my heart is sore about what is expected of the girls in the world, with them being adultified way too prematurely. My heart has changed and I think perhaps there’s work to do there. Maybe I’d want a child with the female sex. She would be free to identify in any way she’d desired, but of course, the world defines you by your sex so. They’re both certainly a path of their own. Very interesting.
[name_f]My[/name_f] plan is to use a known donor who is willing to have contact and possibly a relationship of sorts before the child turns 18.
I think it’s been mentioned already, but I would just go with whatever gender embryo is the best quality, and let that guide your choice the first time. Not every round of IVF will turn into a baby, but going with the best embryo gives you the best odds of success. I’ve done embryo retrieval once that resulted in only three graded high enough to use. Two were girls and one a boy. One girl and the boy tied as the best. Choosing the first time was hard, because we had always only wanted one but decided to go with the girl as I would be the one at home the most (my S/O travels for work half of the year) and while there was the possibility they may not always identify with their birth gender, being AFAB would at least give us some common ground in the beginning. Choosing is super tough, but I would honestly just go with your gut preference or the gender you feel more confident/equipped to raise if most of the labour of doing so will rest on you
For the longest time, I would have made a point out of not choosing. I never felt terribly connected to gender and simply didn’t think there’s that much of a difference. There was one point that came up in a similar thread though that really stuck with me: Seeing a daughter experience the same issues I had growing up might hit me too close to home. A son wouldn’t necessarily have fewer gender based problems, but they’d be less likely to trigger my own. [name_f]So[/name_f] if I had to choose, I might have picked a boy based on that.
[name_f][/name_f]However, I still had no preference nor a gut feeling when actually pregnant, and even genuinely enjoyed the time of not knowing. Once I learned that we were having a girl though, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Couldn’t have been any other way.
Originally I would’ve said girl, but now that I know I’m expecting a boy it feels right. I’m considering egg freezing after this pregnancy in case I want another child in the future. Since that would mean going the IVF route, I believe I would choose the healthiest embryo.