I am the mother of a nine year old girl who I adopted when she was 8 months old. At the time I was a single mother, and for the first 6 or so years of her life it was just the two of us.
Last year I got married, which was a change for my daughter, but she dealt with it really well. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with a second little girl and am afraid it might be a bit adjustment for my daughter, having just got used to having an extra parent in the house.
I read on an earlier post about children with big gaps that most people advise getting the older child involved with caring for the new baby. I think this is a great idea, but I don’t want my daughter to feel like a ‘second mother’, I really want my girls to grow up feeling like sisters. I think I am especially concerened given that she is adopted, and the new baby will be my first biological child. Although this doesn’t bother me, and at the moment she is very comfortable with the situation, I wourry that when the new baby is here she might feel kind of ‘second best’.
So… now for the point of this post (sorry about the ramble), do you think it would be a good idea for me to involve her in the naming of the new baby? I’ve been thinking that it might be a nice way to get her involved and feeling positive about her new sister. If yes, should I let her choose the name entirley, or just have her help out and have her say about names I’m considering?
If anyone has been in a similar situation, or knows of someone who has, I would love some advice on how to make sure that things go as smoothly as possible.
I hope this all made sense! Thankyou for your help,
[name]Kiki[/name]
I think involving the older sibling is a great idea - and your worry about being a second mother is something to watch out for. I don’t have any direct experience with this, but when I was in high school, a friend of mine who had always been an only child got to have input into the naming of the new baby her father and stepmother were having. Being jealous and petty, she vetoed every single name that had any meaning at all to the stepmother. I don’t think this would always happen - maybe it only did because my friend was already jealous where it seems your daughter isn’t. Based on that one experience, if I were you I would give your daughter a list of names and ask for input but make it clear that one of the names on the list will be “the name”.
I wouldn’t give her free rein with naming the baby, because kids can come up with some pretty wacky things, and if she gets her heart set on something like [name]Sunshine[/name], and you don’t like it and veto it, she probably will get upset and that wont start off her relationship with the baby well. If I were in your place and wanting to involve a previous child with the naming process, I would narrow down my list of names to a top 3 or 4 or 5 that I would be absolutely ok with naming the baby, and let her choose from that. That way she gets to pick and you still have a name you love.
Let her be involved as she wants to be. Most likely she will want to change her diaper and do all sorts of other stuff. I think you should just be sensitive to how she feels and have an open dialog so she feels comfortable coming to you with her feelings. ALso make a point of not missing her games or whatever she is into and have special alone time with her. Best of luck.