Kids Say the Darndest Things

Kids crack me up, so please make my day by sharing the best lines your kids have come up with! I’m not a mom yet, so I don’t really have anything to offer. Actually, I kind of do. The inspiration for this post came from a conversation with my sister this afternoon. She is six years younger than me, so when she was little I was old enough to appreciate the awesome things that came out of her mouth. We were laughing today at one particular line that was a hit with the relatives. When she was about three years old, she informed the family quite frankly that she wanted to be a hamster when she grew up, and she clung to this idea for quite a while. I can now report with certainty that the dream did not come to fruition, as she is nineteen and has not pursued hamsterhood, but she and I were laughing about it today. Our other sister, who works with children, then reported that a six-year-old just told her today that school counselors use band-aids to fix hearts. What adorable lines have your kids have come up with?

My son and I were in the barber shop waiting to get his hair cleaned up and a rather big, burly man walked in. [name]Will[/name] points at him and goes “You have a big belly,” with a huge grin on his face! Luckily, he didn’t take it too offensively. He just replied, “That’s what candy will do to ya, kid.” Ugh! Also, [name]Will[/name] has conversations with himself where he mocks me and my husband. They go something like this: “Applejuice?” “Noo.” “[name]Apple[/name]?” “Noo.” Once he gets someone to laugh, he keeps doing it. He’s quite the jokester, that kid! Can’t wait to see how our daughter, [name]Maggie[/name], will turn out!

As the priest held up the bread in church today and waited for God to transform it (I know, me and my weird religious rituals :P) it was silent for about 20 seconds. My 6-year-old brother tugs on my shirt and whispers in my ear, “Rev, it’s not working!”

I’ve never tried so hard to contain my laughter before. I have very sarcastic/witty siblings, so I’ll probably return soon with more anecdotes.

[name]One[/name] of my students actually asked me where babies come from last year.
I’m sure I can think of more; I’ll add them later.

My three year old son got frustrated tonight over one of his puzzles. I was trying to help him, but he was angry, and he stamped his feet and and yelled, “I’m gonna go be BY MYSELF!” The he paused for a second, grinned at me, and said sweetly, “Want to come with me, Mommy?”

My heart just melted!

[name]Ah[/name] I hear the craziest things working with 3 to 5 year olds. Many of the best lines come from a 3 year old in the class below mine such as “I need fruit gummies because they are full of nutrients and nutrients make my brain grow” I mean wow. Today we where talking about the letter Q and reading the Q book and at the end it has more Q words one was quintuplets. So I was explaining the word using myself as a non example, I get the how do babies come out…um ask your mom and then another student chimes in with you gotta push it out I and then cut the string…lol i died!
And one of my all time favorites talking about F words…and yes I had one say THE F word but in such a funny way. I asked him to name a word and he said F*** and I said what?! So he said it again, of course he is right it IS an F word so I told him that and that we don’t say that word it isn’t nice and he looks at me and goes but, it is only an F word…speechless

I was out eating the other day when a song came on in the restaurant and a little girl (three or four maybe) said, “This is my jam!” and her older brother (seven or eight) replied, “You don’t even know this song.” So she, of course, had to prove him wrong and started dancing in her seat and ‘singing’ along. When the song was almost over she said, “My jam’s almost gone!” and the brother said, “Good because you’re really getting on my nerves!” I could barely keep a straight face from a booth over.

When I was three my dad had to go into work to unlock something for somebody and brought me along. I sat out in the front room with the secretary when his boss walked in to say hi and asked how I was doing. It was december and I said, “I’m doing good but I’d be better if my dad was getting a christmas bonus so I could get the toys I want.” My dad heard and ran back into the room, mortified, but the boss laughed it off. We walked out with a hundred dollar bill. Apparently I’d heard him discussing christmas bonuses with my mother earlier that day.

Lastly, the three year old girl that I babysit sometimes is always asking everyone if she can marry them. To her, being married means living together and loving each other. She’s very social so she’ll go up to people she’s known for five minutes and ask, “Can I marry you?” It’s adorable, but odd if you aren’t used to it.

My brother would really work himself into a temper when he was little, especially if someone was laughing at him. But for him the ultimate threat (usually delivered with a red face and balled fists and flashing eyes) was “I…I…I’M GONNA POUR DRINK ON YOUR HEAD!!!”

Which of course made everyone laugh all the harder!

I don’t have any kids and my sister is only a couple of years younger than me so I probably wasn’t old enough to appreciate anything she might have said when she was little…but I have an Aunt named [name]Sally[/name] and when I was about two I used to call her “Auntie Salad”… :stuck_out_tongue:

I’ve just remembered - when me and [name]Holly[/name] were little, maybe five and two or thereabouts, we went to the zoo and my sister kept calling the wallabies “wobblies” and saying “when can I stroke the wobblies?” to the amusement of quite a few passers-by :slight_smile:

These are all so funny to read lol… My niece (now six) has lived with us from the time she was 6months old, so we’ve had alot of laughter over things she said. A couple years ago, my niece was being a little trial and my mom goes “I want you to pick up your toys!”…to which my niece, who was practically raised by teenagers, replies “Yeah, and I want a pony!” talk about attitude haha!

She also wants to be a singer and she knows alot of different songs, which she will randomly start singing…well a while ago, my sister and i were talking about a break-up she had recently. I was driving at the time, and all of a sudden you hear, in a little girl voice, “I hate that stupid old pickup truck you never let me drive…”. Yeah, she loves [name]Taylor[/name] Swift songs…but it was funny to hear that little voice bust out in that song.

Then another thing…she was around two when this happened. I had her in my room while i was doing my homework, because I was watching her, and my other sisters came in the room with me and we were sitting on my bed together. The door was shut, and my niece randomly goes “mouth!!! mouthhhhh!!” and tried to scale up my back. Turns out the cat was trying to peek under the door and she seen his nose and whiskers and it scared her… lol :slight_smile:

My husband is 6ft 3in, and I’m only 5ft 1in. Unfortunately, our daughter inherited my petiteness and isn’t an overly tall little girl. In fact, on the chart, she’s quite low on the height centile for her age. She’s a little pixie!

Anyway, today, she and I were planting some flowers in the garden.

[name]Amelie[/name]: Mum, why are you pouring water onto the soil?
Me: So that the flowers grow big and strong, [name]Amelie[/name].
[name]Amelie[/name]: [name]Do[/name] you think if you poured some water out of the watering can over me, I’d grow tall and strong too?

Melted my heart.

My 8 y/o little sister was getting a long talk from my mom once about something she was supposed to do but hadn’t, at the end of the speech my mom asked her if she needed anything else in order to get the job done at which point my sister muttered under her breath “ear plugs”

At work the other day we had a couple good lines
[name]One[/name] girl 3 dramatically crying that she was all alone…as she was sitting in the middle of 20 other kids (this child is destined to win a Best Actress award I swear). This week the letter was Q an when asking Q words all week she said queer…omg it was terrible

Another 3 year old said God dammit when he couldn’t turn a page, too funny in his voice

A 5 year old kept telling me that I was cracking him up LOL the best part is he is parroting back what I say all the time

A 3 year old asked me how babies come out and before I could answer with ask your mommy. Another 4 year old answered with you gotta push it out and cut the string!

Needless to say, I was rolling on the floor at that last one

I’m still a teen so obviously I have no kids lol

My mom told me a pretty funny story (about herself when she was little). My mom was about 3 and was walking with her mom to the store in the snow. When they were in the store check-out line, my mom says to my grandma “Mommy I don’t want to walk in the snow!” and my grandma said “Well we have to”. My mom answers with “But I can’t!” and when my grandma asked why, my mom said “Because my legs are out of commission!”.

Lol priceless :slight_smile:

When I taught [name]Sunday[/name] school, I told my first grade class that we are Christians. [name]One[/name] of my students replied, “But I thought we were mammals?” Mammals!

Once at a restaurant, I took my 3.5 year old to the bathroom. When we returned to our booth, she announced to the dining room, “I did poop in the potty!”

Also, tonight as I tucked my girl in bed I said, “goodnight, my princess.” She indignantly replied, “I’m not a princess. I’m a regular girl!”

When my sister was a toddler, she loved to make people laugh (still does!). At the age of 2 or 3, she didn’t understand what a knock knock joke really was so she would just make them up. “Knock knock. Who’s there? [name]Apple[/name]. [name]Apple[/name] who? There’s cereal in the kitchen.” haha she just didn’t understand but it was hilarious anyway.

When I was in my teens, my best friend’s little sister was only 6 or 7. [name]Every[/name] time I’d see her she would always call me O-L-I-V-I-A because she already had a friend named [name]Olivia[/name]. [name]Heaven[/name] forbid she call two people [name]Olivia[/name], so my name only got spelled. :slight_smile:
And one night when I was at my friend’s house, that same sister came up to me one day and said. “O-L-I-V-I-A, you need to work on your technicalities.” lol [name]How[/name] does a 6 year old know what technicalities are? Kids are sponges…

And this isn’t something she said, but as a toddler, my sister used to put her panties on her head and push her fat cheeks out of one of the leg holes. It would make my mom laugh so hard, so she did it all the time. [name]Even[/name] in front of company. :slight_smile:

My husbands boss was throwing a staff family BBQ, & my 3yr old son, who was obsessed with toy story at the time, walked right up to the boss & said ‘[name]Hi[/name] [name]Stan[/name]! [name]Do[/name] you have a [name]Woody[/name]?’
I tried to stifle my laugh but thought I should get to explaining his context very quickly!!

When I was four, I thought that being ten was the pinnacle of human existence. When you were ten, that was it––you were all grown up, you had freedom and independence, and people respected your opinions about things. Somehow I figured out that I had SIX MORE YEARS to go until I would be 10, and I just had a fit. I sat in my closet crying; I had been alive for such a long time already, 4 whole years, and I would never be able to make it 6 more. It got even worse when I realized that since my sister was 6, she only had 4 more years to go, and the injustice of it all just got to me so the tears kept coming. Then my dad came in my room because he heard me crying, and pulled me out of the closet and asked what was wrong, and I explained to him my plight between fits of despair. It’s such a vivid memory for me (it was extraordinarily distressing, as you can tell), and I remember being comforted by how seriously he took me.

It must have taken all his strength to keep a straight face… :slight_smile:

My daughter, [name]Willow[/name], was 2.5yrs old on Feb 6th. Last week, we were driving home from the grocery store, and about to pass Starbucks, when [name]Willow[/name] says, “Mommy, my want a coffee.” I told her, “No, [name]Willow[/name], coffee is just for grown-ups.” She says a little more desperately, “Mommy, my want a coffee!” I told her again that coffee is not for kids. She then broke down into tears, and cried the whole way home!