[name_m]Hi[/name_m] Berries,
I wanted to open up a discussion about losing a much loved name to a close friend (speaking as someone who has very recently experienced this)… What are your thoughts? If a close friend uses your favourite baby name is that name then off the cards? Would you ever consider still using it? Is it possible to find another name you will love just as much?
Thanks for your thoughts!
x
I’m in the minority, because I would definitely still use it. I would be pissed about the entire situation and probably confront my friend about it and let her know that I would still be using it on my child. Of course, this is only in the situation of a uncommon name, if the name is something in the top 50 OR really classic then I wouldn’t be mad and would just continue to love it and use it. I also think that yes, it’s possible to find another name you love just as much. I absolutely [name_f]ADORE[/name_f] [name_f]Lucy[/name_f], and it’s been my #1 name for like 25 years. The only reason I won’t use it is because my niece is [name_f]Lucy[/name_f], and family is different than a friend using it. I don’t hold a grudge against my sister for using it either because it was the name of my [name_m]BIL[/name_m]'s grandmother so it has significance for them. But, I have come to love names just as much as I love [name_f]Lucy[/name_f]. So yes, it’s possible!
I probably wouldn’t use it, but also I’m always very open with my name choices (might change when I am actually expecting!) so if a friend used a name I liked they would do so with the full knowledge that they were taking a name I had been planning on - that might cause some tension. Other than that I’ve mostly had chats with people who share name tastes (asked my sister about [name_f]Alice[/name_f], S/O and I love it but it’s her best friend’s name, she gave me her blessing. And [name_m]George[/name_m] is a name my closest friend used to talk about, but has since gone off). One of the things I love about being a Namenerd is that there are often lots of names I really love, so I think it is possible to find a name that you do love just as much. But if you really, really can’t, then maybe just use the name?
If a close friend or family member used one of my favorites, I probably wouldn’t use it unless it was the only name DH and I could agree on. Although I would still consider it for a middle name. I have many favorites so it’s not like it would be the one and only name I loved. Luckily my family and friends have very different naming styles from me so don’t think I’ll have this issue.
My top 3 for each gender is kind of a no go zone, all my friends and family know them, all of them know names are important to me, if they use them without talking to me first, I would be offended. Anything outside the top 3 is free game and I really don’t care as much.
I would definitely still use it and if people thought I was copying (weirdly common in my friendship groups, everyone’s so petty), I have years of documentation that shows I wanted to use that name first. That being said, all of my top names are close to each other, I’d be just as happy with Coppélia, [name_f]Isabella[/name_f] and Nefertari as I am with [name_f]Alessia[/name_f], [name_f]Magdalena[/name_f] and [name_f]Catalina[/name_f], it’s pretty easy to find new loves for me.
I don’t own the name, I can’t stop someone from using it and losing a long term friendship over a name isn’t worth it, but it’s the way the friend handles it that matters to me. If my best friend came up to me and asked for my blessing to use my top combo, I’d be fine with it, go ahead. If she just used it, I’d be pissed beyond belief because it’s disrespectful.
I’d still use it if it was my favourite name. So what if they have the same name?
I don’t see it as a big issue.
This has happened to us on two occasions, so far. One of the names was one that we liked a lot, but we weren’t as attached to the name as our friends were, so when they used it for their son, we understood. With the other name, it had special meaning to us. Another friend of ours is expecting and publicly claimed that name, should she have a daughter.
In both cases, we “gave up” the names. In the first case, there is an actual baby who has that name and we are very close to these friends. It would’ve been really weird, honestly. It wasn’t as if the name were [name_m]Alexander[/name_m], where one boy could’ve been [name_u]Alex[/name_u] and the other [name_m]Xander[/name_m]…there were no real nickname possibilities. Again, we were fine letting it go.
The second case is a more tricky, since we don’t know what this friend’s baby is yet! The name she chose is [name_f]Hannah[/name_f], so the name isn’t exactly unheard of lol. There are tons of them. Still, my husband and I will be giving this name up, too. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if their baby is a boy and if they never have another daughter that they name [name_f]Hannah[/name_f], the fact that they announced this name makes it feel like it is theirs (I know that no one owns a name, but this name just feels associated with them now).
I think that this is something for each person to decide for themselves, if the situation arises. I don’t think that it would be weird for someone to still use the name. For us, the names in question weren’t THE names…we have names that we love a lot more. It’s hard to say if we would still use our top names if someone else in our closest circle uses them, but I guess we’d deal with that whenever that would happen. Practically-speaking, though, there are tons of names out there…it’s likely that there are other names that are just as magical.
This has happened to me. My #1 boys name was the name of my husband’s nephew, born before we even met. To be fair, it’s a classic name in the top 10, so I probably could get away with using it.
My other favorite name was one my husband was never going to love ([name_u]Elias[/name_u]), so I suggested it to my sister-in-law when they were expecting and struggling over boys’ names. They ended up using it, and I have to admit, I’m just happy to see my favorite name come to life in my newest nephew.
I think it depends on the name - if it’s common enough, it’s not a big deal to use the name even if someone else used it first.
I have yet to experience anything like this, but I myself was named after a cousin of a cousin simply because my parents thought the name was pretty and complemented the name they were set on (which was moved to my middle name). My name is fairly common, but, as a member of a small family, it is a little odd. Still, the fact that I had the same first name as someone else in close proximity wasn’t awkward or strange. I like that my name has a story while also feeling truly like my own name. Sharing names can be a unique connection, though I think it would be a bit odd to have an elaborate or uncommon name that someone else shared, especially if the name sharing caused any animosity.
To put a flip on the topic of name stealing, however, I would like to bring up name giving and how it can feel like name stealing. As someone who likes names, likes sharing names, and likes sharing their meanings, I find myself wanting to give some of my favorites to family members and friends. Is this odd? Names can be such a gift, and I like thinking that I can give someone some sort of inspiration or blessing by offering up my favorite combinations, espcially if I feel names are tailored to their personalities, preferences, and chosen last names. After all, I know some names I love just won’t work within my own parameters, so can’t giving someone a suggestion do them some good? I have set my limits for name giving somewhat (i.e. holding onto a chosen few names and claiming certain first names for myself) but I still get the urge to fold and give away my favorites to people I believe they are perfectly suited for, especially if, God forbid, they would actually want to use my favorites. Who can be upset at someone who just wants to choose the best name for their baby?
After all, if I love a name, I believe I can always use it in some small way. I am far from having any children, so I guess I can safely approach this issue from afar, but I just hope I as find more favorites so I don’t have to have any regrets.
I agree with all of the other thoughts on this subject and doubly agree that there is no wrong or right way to deal with name stealing, though it can be difficult to be content and comfortable with.
Anyway, here’s to more baby naming!
I don’t understand why anyone thinks their child can’t share a name with their friend’s child. [name_m]How[/name_m] do you know that friend will always be a part of your life? If it’s your favorite name, just use it.
If that’s a friend I am really close with, there’s a chance I’ve talked about names with him or her at some point, and I would expect him/her to at least not use my top choices. Because if my friend knows and directly stealing it, wouldn’t that just be mean? If that happens I’d be annoyed, but if I’d let that disturb my friendship in the long term or not I don’t know, as that never happened to me yet. Chances are I wouldn’t use it again myself though.
If that’s a name I love but not like my top choices, I’d actually be glad. There’s no way I can have enough children to use all my favourite names, so knowing that a child of someone I care about has it is a good alternative.
Unless it’s a family member, I would still use the name.
They could have also loved the name for years and just not talked about it, they could be honouring someone I don’t know, they could have just looked at Bub’s face the first time and though "oh yes, that’s her (and that feeling is pretty well impossible to shake when it happens, I’m told).
It’s Not About Me, and I don’t own the name. If someone else uses it first and it would make me feel odd… there are hundreds and thousands of names out there to change to. And the kids are unlikely to care (I have three nephews/greatnephews called [name_u]Michael[/name_u]. They look blank if someone suggests it’s confusing)
And another thought - suppose you proclaimed a certain name as yours, your friend really wanted to use it but ‘gave it up’ for you… and then you changed your mind?
Very good points [name_u]Tally[/name_u], thank you! Thanks everyone for your comments.
It isn’t a close friend of mine (otherwise we have spoken about our favourite names, even so we have agreed upon a first come first serve policy!) but a close friend of DH so they wouldn’t have known. But as DH works with this person and plays sport with them and sees them regularly he’s sure he wouldn’t now want to use the name now.
Now I’ve had a few weeks to reflect on it, I’m still gutted to lose the name but believe I’ll be able to find another I love just as much!
I tend to be a bit more laid back with names - as I view it, I have a lot of flexible favourites and non-name-nerds only have a few. Like, a few days ago, my cousin told me the only two names she liked - [name_f]Esme[/name_f] and [name_f]Elsie[/name_f]. Her love of [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] means I’m probably dropping [name_f]Elspeth[/name_f] from my short list (even though my [name_f]Elspeth[/name_f] probably wouldn’t be called [name_f]Elsie[/name_f] anyway). In my family, nobody repeats names, so it would be a bit awkward. And, it’s not like I’d effect her using it anyway - I’m the youngest in my family by far and have gotten used to losing names I like to my cousins’ kids. I also gave up names I wasn’t very attached to to my best friends ([name_m]Leon[/name_m], [name_m]Jacob[/name_m], etc.). Them using them doesn’t bother me.
However, I do think that if a friend used a name that I adore (say, [name_f]Matilda[/name_f]) I’d probably still use it. Otherwise, if it was something I loved but didn’t love I’d just find alternatives - say, I love [name_f]Winona[/name_f] nn [name_f]Winnie[/name_f] but my friend used [name_f]Winona[/name_f] nn [name_f]Nona[/name_f], I’d use [name_f]Wilhelmina[/name_f] nn [name_f]Winnie[/name_f].
I’ve had friends drop a name from their list because some friends of theirs used it first. I know my friends have such different naming styles to me that I’m not worried about ‘losing’ names to them. When my sister was expecting her daughter though, we talked about ‘reserving’ our top boys names (our style in boys’ names is very similar, but our style in girls’ names isn’t).
To offer a slightly different spin on it though, my favourite name since I was a child has been [name_f]Ariadne[/name_f]. I remember reading about [name_m]Theseus[/name_m] and the minotaur and loving the name, especially the nickname [name_u]Ari[/name_u]. I’d have used it in a heartbeat when my daughter was born, but I met my best friend [name_f]Arianwen[/name_f] “[name_u]Ari[/name_u]” as a teenager and we remain extremely close. I decided I couldn’t use [name_f]Ariadne[/name_f] “[name_u]Ari[/name_u]” as it was far too close, and I’m still a little put out about it. I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded, but it bothered me too much. I’d potentially consider using [name_f]Ariadne[/name_f] or [name_f]Astrid[/name_f] “[name_u]Ari[/name_u]” in the future, with her blessing, since we don’t live close to eachother any more… but it still bothers me 
I would use it. Popularity and familiarity are positive characteristics for me. Sharing the name is not that tragic, I would never rule out my favourite name and use a name I like less than it because someone else used it.