Thank you all so much for your thoughts, time, kind words, advice. It’s all super helpful.
@tori101 I’m so sorry for the huge amount of loss amd difficulty you’ve experienced. Your loss of [name_f]Alexandra[/name_f] sounds particularly hard. Thank you so much for sharing 
@Kibby thank you for your words. I do want a tree, but I also kind of want it to be a native tree, to be better for local insects/birds/lizards. I think this is what I’ll definitely do, but the trees I’ve tried to plant over my other kids’ placentas keep dying 
I need to find something really hardy!
@Chococat thank you so much for posting. I’m so sorry things have ended up trickier than you’d planned, that sounds like a lot to be dealing with. Your post has really helped bring me back to reality. [name_f]My[/name_f] ovaries and heart keep telling me there’s someone missing, and imagining everything being fine… but I hated pregnancy (hideous morning sickness to 16 weeks or more), and both my births were terrifying. We’re already incredibly lucky to have two living children who aren’t severely disabled. I think I really need to focus on what we’ve got right now and not what ‘could be’, particularly when I already know it’s risky.