I am recently married and have not yet changed my last name. I keep going back and forth between adding his surname to mine, or dropping mine and taking his.
I don’t have serious reasons for this, I just like my maiden name, and it feels like a part of my identity that might feel strange to give up entirely. I really like his last name too. It is four syllables, paired with my 2 would make a decently long last name, although my first is very short, which I think helps balance it.
My question is: is having 2 last names complicated? Does it cause any confusion or hassle?
What about kids? Would I give them both like me, or just his?
If I chose to keep both I would likely hyphen the names.
Thanks for your help!
I personally had the same feeling! I had a very unique maiden last name and now I have the most generic book character last name. It is part of your identity and I wish I would’ve never changed it. Having your own last name doesnt mean you love him Any less. You just [name_u]LOVE[/name_u] WHO YOU ARE. And I think thats important. You’re not MISTER SMITHS PROPERTY (MRS.- MISTER’S) But I do think you should give your children your husbands last name because it’s his children too. You carry them. You birth them. They’ll always call for mom. In a broad sense it’s all he can offer them!
If I were you, I’d keep mine and just add his. I do see it as part of my identity, and I know someone who really regretted changing her maiden name after her father died (she felt less connected to him). As for kids, play it by ear! Talk that one through with your husband - I think it could work either way generally, but if you were planning on using two middle names then one surname is probably best. [name_m]Just[/name_m] think about yourself and what you need right now!
It sounds like you want to keep your surname. You should! My OH and I both kept our names when we got married, and plan to give our children a mashup of the two, which thankfully turns out to be a real surname that we both like.
Another option, especially if you both like the idea of having the same name … you can both hyphenate! I know this is really bucking tradition, but I really don’t see why men shouldn’t take on their spouse’s surname any more than women should!
Good luck deciding.
My [name_m]SIL[/name_m] kept her maiden name. All of her professional licenses (medical field) were in that name and, in addition to her personal papers, it would have been a lot to change. Also, her parents only had two daughters, so I think that may have played into her decision as well. When I went to visit, it was brought up. My brother asked that she change her name for their kids, but understood the paperwork aspect as he’s a lawyer. We reached a compromise of sorts when I asked if I could address her as her married name outside of her workplace and her maiden name at work. I believe this is how it is working for them now. The only place outside of the office she uses her maiden name is on any official documents (including the kids’ school files), but answers when addressed by her married name. Both kids go by my brother’s LN (a single LN).
BTW addressing her formally on any formal invites and mail seemed a bit technical. My brother’s FN is 11 letters and LN is 7. My [name_m]SIL[/name_m]'s FN is 4 letters and LN is 13. [name_m]Add[/name_m] the word ‘and’ and possibly and MI or two, and the number of letters I’m trying to fit on a single line grows. I tried fitting this on an envelope and it was a bit cramped. More importantly, to me, I wanted to address the family as a unit, and to address both individually made it feel less like a family unit (I know this isn’t true, but when I’m trying to ensure I spell everything correctly and clearly enough for the postal worker to read it feels like it).
I hope this gives you a little insight into how one family worked with the name changes that may or may not come after the wedding. Let me know if this wasn’t as clear as I believe it is because it is 2 AM as I’m typing this.
Good luck in deciding.
I am a supporter of women not changing their last names after marriage. Although, I do think it’s just a personal choice at the end of the day, and if you hate your last name or you really want his for whatever reason, I say go for it.
But I think changing that part of your identity is an outdated tradition from when women became the property of their husbands. Aside from the reasons I mentioned before, there’s no point in it. I like my first and last name, and I want to have my own identity whether I’m married or not. My last name also means more to me; my partner is indifferent about his.
On top of that, my boyfriend and I have basically the same first name, so might be a little weird lol
For kids, I think hyphenating is completely okay. A kid can always choose to shorten their name when they get older.
A couple unorthodox ideas for you:
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Move your maiden name to your middle name (either drop your middle name or just have two) and take your husband’s last name
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Change your middle name to your husband’s last name
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Both you and husband change last names to a new last name that is a combination of both your last names- think “[name_m]Smith[/name_m]” and “[name_m]Johnson[/name_m]” become “Sminson”
I’d either move your maiden name to the middle name spot or keep your maiden name and add his. It’s like, hey, we’re family now but I’m still me!
I, however, will be ditching my last name the first chance I get. Yes it’s cool and part of me but it’s fourteen letters long, hard to pronounce, and just a hassle.
I grew up with a long hyphenated last name, and real talk…I hated it! I love the story behind it, and the reason for the hyphenation, but it was just so complicated and annoying to spell. Especially frustrating in an age where English isn’t taught properly… the amount of times people on the phone would say “h… hyphen… what’s that?” OMG! Shoot me! How thankful I was to marry someone with a surname only 5 letters long! Haha. (There are also traits and issues in my family that I don’t want to be connected to, so I was super keen to ditch my maiden name).
I agree with others above - maybe incorporate your name as a middle name for a child / children? That way they don’t have to use it as part of their surname, but it is still part of their legal name.
You can do anything you want and honestly it will not be that complicated.
I kept my ‘maiden’ name and gave it to our daughter as well. No issues! There is no right or wrong or better thing to do. [name_f]Do[/name_f] what feels best to you and your partner.
As for mail/invitations, our return address stickers just say ‘[name_u]Jay[/name_u], [name_f]Emily[/name_f] & [name_f]Bea[/name_f]’ - our first names. I don’t really mind what people put on envelopes addressed to us. With the right address, it still gets to us!
Unfortunately, I can’t really advise what you should do for your own surname. It’s an incredibly personal choice, so it’s a decision you have to make.
On top of hyphenating the two surnames, or taking his, there is an option that I would say is in the middle. Have his surname as your surname, and move your maiden name into the middle/second middle spot. That way your full name sounds as though it is hyphenated, but you have the ease of just one surname.
In regards to children, I would probably suggest just giving them the one surname, since you will have the surname in your name anyway. You could also give your maiden name as a second middle for children. I have a friend who’s mother put her maiden name as her second middle, and gave it as the second middle to both of her children.
[name_f]My[/name_f] favorite compromise when it comes to surnames is creating your own new one together, either through a mash up of the two or something important to your relationship (the month of your anniversary, the place you met, the name of your wedding venue, favorite vacation spot, etc.)
If you want to keep your own surname, that’s fine! I know a group of siblings that all have their mother’s maiden name as a middle name so you could do that when you name your future children (and you could do that yourself if you want to!). [name_m]Just[/name_m] do whatever feels right for you.
There is absolutely no reason to change your name. You don’t need a reason to keep your name. It’s your name.
FWIW, I (30, f) know barely any women my age who’ve changed their names to their spouses’ upon getting married. It’s an incredibly outdated, misogynistic tradition, and I frankly don’t see it continuing on a wide scale past our generation.
[name_f]My[/name_f] partner and I are combining our names; the other option was for him to take my name.
The kids will be fine.
I also want to point out the sexism in some of these comments.
Why doesn’t he take her last name?
Why doesn’t he use his maiden name as the middle name for their children?
Why doesn’t he take her last name?
[name_f]My[/name_f] friend grew up with a hyphenated last name, and nobody knew. He only used the second on legal forms. When he married, his wife only took the one everyone knew him by, and that is the last name the kids have.
In the case of one celebrity couple, [name_m]Carlos[/name_m] Pena and [name_f]Alexa[/name_f] [name_u]Vega[/name_u] married and became [name_m]Carlos[/name_m] and [name_f]Alexa[/name_f] PenaVega.
In my case, I will be changing my last name when I marry. Though I am close with my brothers, the person who gave me my last name is someone I am trying to disconnect associations from and holding onto my maiden name will only perpetuate that connection I can’t stand. If I had a better relationship with my father, this may be a more difficult decision for me to make.
Being in a serious long term relationship as well, I have also considered hyphenating my name with his when we get married. This was mainly because I wasn’t sure I loved his name as my last name, I mean it’s nice but I’m not in love with it and I don’t want to be associated as the mrs who has the same title as my future mother in law despite getting along. I already know that when we have children, they will have his name either way. But I also like using maiden name as a middle name for a child if it’s befitting.