Hello! Looking for any insight/advice on changing our daughter’s second middle name to my maiden name.
DD is 3 years old. She has 2 middle names and DH’s surname.
Her 2nd middle name was our former dog’s name. (No judgement please. The dog died when I was 8mo pregnant and super hormonal. It’s a nice, human name but seems kind of silly now that we named DD after the dog.)
DH’s surname is not his birth name. MIL changed it when he was a child to that of his step father. Step father was abusive and is no longer in DH’s life. DH has his own issues with the surname (abusive SF, no link to his heritage, etc) but has been known as that for almost 35 years. Basically, his surname is ‘just a name’ to him and nothing more. (He’s toyed with changing it but it’s a tough decision) It is important to DH that our immediate family all share a surname.
DH and I are now, very seriously, considering changing DD’s 2nd middle name to my maiden name for the following reasons:
it honours my family and heritage. (We feel there should be SOME heritage in there)
It holds more meaning than the dead dog’s name.
Our children will have the option to use it as adults.
And, most important to me:
I have to choose either my maiden name or married name to go by. Hyphenating is not an option unless I want to officially change my birth record (which I don’t because I have issues with his surname as it is). If I have to drop my maiden, I would feel better about this if my children had it. Also, if I ever go back to my maiden, I will still share a name with my children.
DH isn’t opposed to the idea but is concerned that this isn’t common practice and would be ‘weird’. Also, that it may be confusing. So, I’ve come to the nameberry community in search of advice/insight on the situation.
If it helps, her current name is Firstname Middlename Mabel Miller. It would be changed to Firstname Middlename Bruckshaw Miller.Also, any future children would also have my maiden as a 2nd middle.
Personally, I wouldn’t want my children to carry the surname of a man who was abusive to my husband and isn’t their biological grandfather. If you have sons or if your daughters pass their surname down to their children, they’re going to be passing down the “wrong” surname. That would really bother me.
There are two options I would consider if I were in this situation:
Keep Bruckshaw. Give your children Bruckshaw as their surname. I know your husband wants you all to have the same surname, but in this instance I think it would be best to let [name_m]Miller[/name_m] end with him, for lack of a better phrase. Of course he could always change his surname to Bruckshaw too.
You all change your surname to your husband’s birth surname.
In any case, I think you should definitely add Bruckshaw to your daughter’s name and pass it down to any future children.
If your husband has had this surname for 35 years now, it makes sense that it feels like his own name now. If you all want to change the last name, go for it. But that is potentially a MUCH bigger deal than changing your daughter’s second middle, if everyone knows him by his current last name. He might not want to deal with having to explaining the abusive SF thing 300 million times when everyone asks him why he changed his last name- to me, that would be the deterrent.
I see no problem with changing the second middle to your maiden name. It makes sense that you want to do that. And that is not going to be very confusing since most people probably do not call your daughter Firstname Middlename [name_f]Mabel[/name_f]. They probably just know her by her first name, right? No one is going to have to worry about remembering the new middle or calling her by the wrong name or anything.
Southern [name_f]Maple[/name_f] - thank you for taking the time to read and reply.
I completely agree with everything you said and thank you for validating my feelings about DH’s surname.
When we first married, we talked about changing his surname. He said that even though SF was abusive, the ‘[name_m]Miller[/name_m]’ family (aunts and uncles) were good to him so he would keep the name. Now that we have a child (and another on the way), he is rethinking his decision. According to his mother, DH’s birth father abandoned them when he was four. We have no idea if that’s true, however, we do know that the man was not abusive. We can’t rely on what [name_f]MIL[/name_f] tells us since she has very poor judgment. ([name_f]MIL[/name_f] not only changed DH’s last name but also his middle name …to stepfathers first name! He has firmly decided to drop the middle name.)
Although he doesn’t know/remember his birth father, I personally think that he should use his birth name since it strongly reflects his heritage (Flannagan). Ultimately it is his decision though.
Thank you again. I plan on sharing all the replies with DH and think that you have some great points/suggestions
Tarynkay- thank you for the reply! You raise a great point with him having to explain why he changed his last name. He hadn’t brought it up but, now that you mention it, I’m sure it is a HUGE deterrent for him!
Also, you’re right, most people only know DD by her first name… So changing a middle name wouldn’t be a big deal. Also, she is only three and her birth certificate would be reissued, so she would never even know.
I can certainly see your reasoning behind both decisions and think you should do what feels right. [name_f]My[/name_f] ex-bf had a not so nice father and changed his middle name and last name to his grandfathers when he was 22. I think he made the right decision.
As an alternative, have you both considered hyphenating to Bruckshaw-[name_m]Miller[/name_m]? It might be an easier transition for both of you. However, I think you and your husband will always continue to think about these name issues until they resolved. I say, go for it!
First of all, is your husband considering changing his surname? Would he like to take your maiden name as his last name? That way you can have your daughter be Firstname Middle [name_f]Mabel[/name_f] B________. And of course you could keep or reclaim your maiden in that scenario. It sounds like there are some issues with [name_m]Miller[/name_m].
If that’s not on the table I think changing the second middle is a fine idea and not odd at all, except maybe for the fact that it’s late in coming. I know a few people who have done the maiden as middle for their children and a few who have changed their own middle to their maiden upon taking spouses surname.
I also think that to avoid confusion you should just announce this once via social media or group email to any family members who might be interested. It really isn’t something that you should have to explain to each person as you run into them. I would just send out an email explaining that it’s something that you’ve wanted to do for quite awhile and that you’re happy to announce that you’ve done it. That way it hopefully won’t invite any negative comments or criticisms.
Another option is to tack the maiden name on as a 3rd middle name spot. That way no hyphen but the same look.
I don’t think it’s a weird or uncommon practice. [name_f]My[/name_f] fiance’s middle name, [name_m]Lawson[/name_m], is his mother’s maiden name and I have heard several other cases of this as well.
