Name Sadness

General Name Discussion
1

I am a woman in her early 50’s (somehow, how did that happen??) who yearned to have children and tried very hard to in different ways, but who didn’t get to.

I have two babies in heaven: [name_u]Owen[/name_u] [name_u]Michael[/name_u] [name_m]Russell[/name_m] and [name_f]Cordelia[/name_f] [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] [name_f]Marjorie[/name_f]. Owney and [name_f]Coral[/name_f]/[name_f]Delia[/name_f].

Most of the time I love nameberry and peruse and contribute with great zest, but sometimes I sit here and weep.

It is not bitterness that others are pregnant or about to be or expecting their second or their fifth.

It is just sadness, plain and simple.

A sadness that apparently does not go away long after one’s child-bearing years have ended.

I am fortunate in my ways, both having to do with kids and not. Through my husband I have two beautiful grandchildren ([name_m]Luke[/name_m] and [name_f]Stella[/name_f]) and we are blessed with 14 nieces and nephews ([name_m]Colin[/name_m], [name_f]Amy[/name_f], [name_f]Deidre[/name_f], [name_f]Caitlin[/name_f], [name_m]Travis[/name_m], [name_m]Tom[/name_m], [name_u]Kelly[/name_u], [name_m]Braden[/name_m], [name_f]Molly[/name_f], [name_m]Colin[/name_m], [name_m]Kurtis[/name_m], [name_u]Alex[/name_u], [name_m]Oliver[/name_m], and [name_u]Hudson[/name_u]), as well as a great-nephew ([name_m]Caden[/name_m], of course!) and a great-niece ([name_f]Anika[/name_f]).

But you know what? None of them, loved as they all are, are my kids.

I’m not sure if nameberry is my grief therapy or an unwise choice for me, considering. Certainly I’ve been a lifelong name fanatic and that can go on beyond having or not having children. And naming one’s child is a small part of the overall parenting picture after all.

It’s just that naming is the only part of the parenting picture I got to do and so maybe I am stuck there.

And today is one of those infrequent weepy days and I’m wondering if there are others out there in a similar place.

2

[name_u]Truly[/name_u] you have my sympathies.
You didn’t ask for suggestions but I’m going to suggest something- fostering. [name_f]My[/name_f] province, Manitoba, has a huge need for foster parents. Approximately one out of every 150 Manitobans is a child in foster care and there are not enough homes for them; some actually live in hotels. I have seen foster parents your age; in fact, I think it’s not uncommon to start fostering once one’s own children are grown. Daycare here is funded so one can still keep one’s job, because fostering is not a job; only the child’s needs are paid for. (I am a SAHM.) Of course, I know nothing about your situation and suitability or even whether this is an option in the area where you live. Here, Child and Family Services (CFS) has high standards for the homes where they place children; basements, fireplaces, etc. can be problematic. And, it is a huge commitment; most foster children are in care until they are 18. To be honest, I think the teenage years can be very difficult but I have yet to face that with a foster child. And if you physically punish a child and are found out, your foster children will be removed with haste and you will never foster again.
But…we love our foster babies as our own children. They are our responsibility 24/7 and so far we have no regrets.

3

Thank you for responding.

I admire people who foster children greatly.

However, at 51 that would not be what I would want. I already teach 150+ high school students every year, which feels a bit like that as many of them come from families in disarray.

But it’s more that I wanted to have my own children and preferably in my 20’s or 30’s or at the very latest my early 40’s.

I had thought as the years passed that my wishing to have done that would feel like the past tense, but somehow I still long to find out I am pregnant and to name my children. What is weird is that I might feel this way for the rest of my life. [name_f]Imagine[/name_f] wishing one were pregnant at 70. It is certainly not reality-based but it is a desire still.

Thank you again.
[name_u]Leslie[/name_u]

4

Certainly it’s a major loss, it’s understandable to mourn not having living children. And you feel cheated; you don’t get to daily talk to/about your own well-named children. Excuse my awkwardness, I hardly know what words to say. Proverbs 30 talks about the barren womb as a thing “never satisfied” so your feelings are normal and age-old.

And I definitely admire a person who can deal with so many teenagers at the same time and on a daily basis!

5

<3 <3 <3 <3 Sending hugs!!!

6

[name_u]Leslie[/name_u],
I am truly sad for you and I can feel the overwhelming sadness in your post. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister was in the same place as you. She would have loved to have children, but spent a lot of her young adulthood traveling, and never did find mister right. She said she woke up one morning to the realization that the life she had imagined for herself was not the one she would be getting. The feeling overwhelmed her and she gave herself time to grieve the life and kids that she desperately wanted but would never had. Then, she just decided to move forward. She came to accept her path (one with no children) and this took a long time for her. But really, life is short and can’t be spent in the “what-ifs”. She spent her energy moving forward instead of looking back. But this was a long process for her. I feel foolish dishing out advice for someone that I have no idea what they are dealing with. I’m sorry you are so sad, and I hope the darkness somehow fades for you over time. I think it is important that you acknowledge your feelings and feel that they are validated.
All the best.

7

I feel for you, [name_u]Leslie[/name_u]. I think I am going to end up in a similar situation. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though I am young, I have a hard time connecting with people, especially guys, and I just can’t see myself ever getting married and starting a family. I always planned on adopting but the more I learn about adoption and the more I think about it, the more I feel like it just isn’t for me. Plus, I would be scared to raise a child all on my own with no support system. It depresses me sometimes, because I spend all this time hunting for names and finding these perfect combinations for children that will probably never exist. I have become so attached to some of these names and so involved with names in general that the thought of never having a baby to name and call my own breaks my heart. I kind of feel like an artist who spends all her time dreaming up beautiful works of art, but never gets the chance to paint them and bring them to life.

8

Thank you very much.

I really have moved on in many respects. I have a career and husband and cat and relatives and friends and hobbies and faith…

But what I did not expect is that in my early 50’s I would still have such yearnings for pregnancy and conception and naming. [name_f]My[/name_f] desire to find out I am pregnant and to name my children dimmed over time after I realized it was not going to be, but now that I am moving from perimenopause to menopause it has resurfaced strongly.

I know hormones play a part in this; my body seems to be crying out that it still wants to bear a child and as that possibility becomes an impossibility, it is at times excruciating.

It is uncharted territory. These physical and emotional aches might diminish again as my hormones finally level off. But in the meantime, I feel rather at their mercy. It’s not terrible; it’s not like having cancer or having lost a loved one (except it kind of feels like the latter).

Again, thank you for your kind words.

[name_u]Leslie[/name_u]

9

I empathize with all that you say, and yet am relieved that you are so young, as you say. What you fear might happen might indeed happen, but the good thing is you have many years ahead of you for things to turn out differently.

All best,
[name_u]Leslie[/name_u]