[name]Hi[/name] there, I’m new here so I hope I’m posting this in the right spot…
With our first child my husband and I found out the sex at 20 weeks and immediately were bombarded with name “suggestions” and “opinions” from our families that ended up pushing us away from a name we really loved. We plan on TTC baby number 2 as soon as he is home from deployment and we are seriously considering not finding out the sex of the baby and keeping it a surprise until birth. I would love to hear from parents who have done this, particularly anyone who has found out the gender of one baby but not another.
what was your experience with it? would you recommend it? pros and cons?
I don’t have kiddos yet, so I’m probably not your first choice of answerer. But these are my reasons/pros for not finding out with a possible future baba:
why do you really need to know?
the aforementioned family name arguments shouldn’t be as bad
the ‘I’ll bond better with the baby’ argument sounds a bit ridiculous to me. What, so if I don’t find out the sex it means I won’t bond with my kid?
why do you need to know the sex to bond with the baby anyway?!
what happens if you ‘bond’ with a girl baby who turns out to be a boy baby?
there won’t be disappointment with a baby of the ‘wrong’ sex
why do we have to start pigeonholing the poor baby before it’s even born?
parents have been having, loving and bonding with children quite happily for thousands of years without knowing the sex
the other argument of being prepared with the pink/blue nursery and pink/blue baby stuff is just impractical and wrong
finding out the sex is a bit like opening all your presents before christmas
I love surprises
I think, really, I’m very traditional and want it to be as natural as possible. But just do what you feel is right for you
We didn’t find out the gender with this baby. I much prefer not knowing. I know some people prefer to plan, but really, there’s only so much planning you can do for a newborn. Besides that, most newborn clothes are gender neutral so its a null point.
I completely agree with every single point @charlieandperry1 made. Should we have another child after this, we’ll take the same route of not finding out.
not a mom, sorry for butting in, I love this topic!-
When I grow up I plan to be Team Yellow for all of my pregnancies, if it works out that way. I think it’s sweet to be able to go through the delivery and have that surprise at the end. I am also horrible at making decisions so I like the idea of being able to bring 10 names (five for each gender) and choosing the name of my baby based on what they look/act like after meeting them. I also think at your baby shower you wouldn’t be well, showered, with gifts all pertaining to a certain gender. I also love gender neutral nurseries.
I guess it depends on the person, and if you’re impatient or not. I can see it being hard for people to not know the gender through the months of their pregnancy, especially when they’re at the stage where all they have to do is call in and ask for an appointment to see the gender.
Well, my opinion won’t carry much weight because I’ve never had a baby, but my husband and I are TTC at the moment and definitely plan on finding out the sex of the baby. My [name]SIL[/name] (husband’s sister) recently had a baby and didn’t find out the sex. I remember walking into baby stores to look for presents and walking out empty handed because it’s impossible to find anything gender neutral. My husband and I went to [name]Hawaii[/name] while she was pregnant and tossed up whether to buy a (rather expensive) baby dress, but decided against in case she had a boy. Of course, she had a girl! At the time, I thought I’ll definitely find out what I’m having because it’ll make preparations so much easier. I don’t want to buy everything gender neutral. However, I don’t plan on revealing the sex to anyone except (maybe) our immediate families (only if they want to know). I worked with a guy whose wife was pregnant and everyone knew they were having a boy named [name]Caleb[/name] before its birth. When she had the baby, it was weird because people didn’t really know how to react. So, I definitely wouldn’t tell others beyond my immediate family. Also, I have absolutely no intention of discussing names with anyone apart from my husband! I might have a few vague conversations with my mother, but I think there should be some surprises, and I don’t want to be discouraged from choosing a name I really love because my brother/father-in-law/mother doesn’t like it! My [name]SIL[/name] didn’t announce her name choice until after her baby was born and we’ve had no name discussions at all, which I think is the best way! No discussions, no conflicts
I love the idea of having it be a surprise, it will make the labor more bearable i think! haha having that big reveal to look forward too!
but, the big reason i found out with our first child is i HATE yellow and green ANYTHING.
But, my solution for this would be to paint the nursery gray, and then either accent it with pink or blue decorations and bedding (which would be an easy fix once baby is here) and i suppose I’d just get a few blue and pink outfits for baby’s first few days home. whichever set i don’t use i can just return when i go bulk baby clothes shopping!
My other reason for finding out with our son was because I thought I needed to know the sex to really settle on a name, when it came down to it I wasn’t really 100% sure (even though i’d had a name picked out) what I was going to name him until I saw him, so it definitely wasn’t vital to know.
I never really thought about people buying me gifts and having trouble, but do people typically have baby showers with second babies? i’m not really sure how that works…
I wanted to keep the sex unknown , but SO wanted to know. [name]Hence[/name] , we found out and exactly the same thing happened to us over the name = (
Next time I want to stay team green for this reason xx
[name]Hi[/name]-
My husband and I decided to not find out the sex of our first child for several reasons-
I thought it would be a fun surprise, I thought it would be more economical (i.e., forced us to buy more gender neutral stuff), and I didn’t want to place lots of expectations on my child while it was still growing inside of me. However, from the time I knew I was to pregnant to when we actually delivered, I already knew in my heart what we were having; and I was right, we had a precious baby boy! Not finding out was the right decision for us at the time. I think the best advice on this subject came from an OBGYN that my pregnant friend was going to; she advised if you are emotionally invested in having one sex over another, it is probably best to find out before hand because you don’t want anything to take away from your special moment with your new baby. So, if you always thought you would have a baby girl first, you should go ahead and find out, then if you are shocked/disappointed/frustrated you can have your ‘sad’ moment, and then get super excited about what is to come.
I do not want to find out the sex. I really hope the future daddy agrees with me, because I don’t really want to pull the I am the one carrying the baby card…but I want to be surprised!
I don’t have kids but I also think of when we would breed puppies as a kid. It was so exciting waiting to find out what they were going to be (we would also place bets on it). I can’t imagine finding out before hand, even for puppies it takes away from the magic of the moment for me.
And this is coming from a person who had a hard time waiting for anything.
We have done it both ways and waiting just wasn’t for us. My first was a boy and we were very excited to find out it was a boy at 20 weeks. For our second, we (mostly I) decided to wait. We went to the hospital with 2 names and I brought 2 outfits and blankets. We were thrilled to find out that we had a little girl. For our third we decided to find out the gender at the scan. For my current pregnancy, my midwife offers a free gender ultrasound at 15 weeks which I am planning on taking advantage of. I will never wait again.
Some arguments for finding out:
In this day and age why delay a surprise at 20 weeks simply to get it 20 weeks later.
There are far more surprises awaiting you when your baby is born. Their temperament, personality, mannerisms, hair/eyes/features, smile,
first words. Apart from gender, your baby is a brand new person in your life to get to know. [name]Mark[/name] my words, finding out the gender hardly taints the
miracle of bringing a child into this world. In my experience, waiting to find out the gender didn’t make meeting my daughter any more
special than meeting my two beautiful boys.
It significantly narrows down baby names. For me this is BIG. I love picking out names, but getting my husband involved is a huge headache. It’s
ridiculous for us to fight about names for both genders if we only have to fight about one.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wait to find out. If you really want to know what it is like you just have to try for yourself. I’m just saying that it isn’t for everyone. I also don’t see how waiting to find out the gender will solve your naming problems. In my experience, people are terrible about hiding dislike of a name even after the baby is born and named. Opinions are often not as verbal at that point, but they are still obvious. IMHO its easier to face the music before the baby is born. Its your baby and you get to name it, stick to your guns.
[name]Just[/name] wanted to add, my best friend has two sons and she and her husband are trying for their third. They didn’t find out the sex either time with their first two, but are going to this time so, in my friend’s words, she can cry if it’s another boy! She REALLY wants a girl, but doesn’t want to be upset when the baby’s born if it’s a boy. This way, she can cry, but get over it by the time he’s born.
We chose not to find out this time just for fun. We only plan on having two, so if I want a surprise, I have to do it with this baby. It has been fun thus far, and I like that it has curbed a lot of our spending. Since we don’t know the gender, I’m not as tempted to buy clothes, shoes, etc. when I see them on sale. Unfortunately, it has made the unwanted name advice actually worse. Last time, my mom tried to just push boy names on me that she liked. Now she is hitting both genders. And hitting them hard We already have 4 or 5 solid girl names picked out, but she doesn’t like any of them, so she’s been relentless about suggesting other names. It’s driving me a bit crazy. I just try really hard to change the subject whenever it comes up. Oh well, she’ll just have to get used to the name we pick I think it’s a great idea to not find out the gender of a second baby. It’s easy for us because we already have all the gear (mostly gender neutral). Plus, I kept all my son’s clothes, so if it’s a boy we’re set, and if it’s a girl, she can use all the gender neutral newborn clothes till I can get some girly ones. And seriously, if it’s a girl, my mom and mother-in-law are going to have a crazy shopping day the day she’s born anyway. I should also add that my dad and father-in-law are very grateful that we haven’t found out the gender Good luck, and I’m sure you’ll be happy no matter what decision you make. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you and your husband for your service to our country. I have a number of friends whose husbands deploy often, and I know your whole family sacrifices a lot for our safety. I really appreciate all our service men and women and their families.
We didn’t find out with our first. It was my boyfriend’s decision, he really wanted the surprise, and while I was a little grumpy in the beginning, I came around. It’ fun not to know! Of course working out two name lists was a hassle, but the rest was fine. We both loved guessing the gender, we went back and forth on what we thought it was, even though both of us hoped for a girl. Not because we don’t want boys, but both or families are packed with little boys and a girl made a nice change.
The bonding thing as C&P mentioned is so true. I can’t imagine bonding more with my child if I knew she was a girl. I actually really loved getting to know my baby without knowing the gender, it was sweet. And special, because almost everyone I know have known the gender.
I’m not into the whole pink/blue nursery, and as for baby clothes: either buy some for each gender and give away/save the clothes that are “wrong” or just buy white sleepsuits and wait until the baby’s there to have a fun online shopping session. All my friends and family waited until after she was born to buy pressies, my boyfriend’s mother went out as soon as she got the call and bought half of Selfridges.
With or next one (going to start trying for the naxt baba in nine months) we won’t find out either. Boy or girl, it will still wear the same stuff [name]Rosalind[/name] did as a newborn. It’s not like boys need to look macho the second they come out of the belly.
I am totally all for the surprise. Didn’t find out with our two and trying to conceive #3 and still will not find out. I think there are truly only some things in the world that remain absolutely sacred (and truly a surprise!) and that is the sex of your bub in your tummy. Yes, there is all talk about being “organised” but really…they don’t need very much in that first 6-12 weeks and you can buy gender appropriate stuff when its born. I am the most anal, organised, perfectionist freak out there…and i LOVED not knowing, talking baby names and then it being me and my husband the first people to know the gender and the baby’s name. Would never change that moment. [name]Ever[/name]
[name]Haven[/name]'t had children yet, but is it bad to want to know just because you want to know. I HATE surprises. HATE them. It is an irrational hatred, I understand, but I do. I just want to know. Not to buy clothes, not to set up a nursery, but just because I want to know.
i think we will stick to not finding out. We really want a girl, but I wouldn’t be upset if it was a boy either, we plan on having more than just two children so it’s not like it is my last chance to have a girl. I think we will do what some of you have done and ask everyone not to buy presents until after the baby is born, since i can’t stand yellow and green, we already have all the baby gear (pack n play, high chair, and exersaucer, car seats etc.) all gender neutral from our son, so that won’t be a problem. I just think the moment of finding out what our baby is and naming him or her together and then announcing it to our families will be really special, and i feel as though because it will be such an exciting day if they don’t like the name they’ll be wise enough to keep their mouths shut! haha,
I chose not to find out my first baby’s gender, for many of the reasons listed: Nobody in this world really needs an extra few months to start pushing their ideas of gender roles on my child, I like surprises, it doesn’t really matter to me (I’m not going to be disappointed with one sex over the other), I want a lot of the baby’s things (especially larger items) to be gender neutral for both economical and social reasons.
Name didn’t really factor into it - and regardless of the fact that we don’t know, everyone is putting their two cents in. Originally, I had said I had picked a name for both a boy or girl and wasn’t going to tell my family until the baby came, but that didn’t stop them from negatively commenting on every name I have ever mentioned I liked, and suggesting their own.
And to whomever said most newborn stuff is gender neutral: Where?!? I’ve found some gender neutral newborn things, but it was definitely a challenge! 90% of parents these days find out beforehand, and I’d say 90% of the clothing in stores reflects that.
Perhaps that’s true in other countries, but over here I’d say most of the stuff I come across for newborns is white! I haven’t exactly been thoroughly searching for stuff, but if we pop down to ASDA, M&S or Mothercare, a lot of the cute little babygros, vests, hats etc are white, cream, grey, lemon or other pastel colours. There tends to be more of a pink/blue gender split the older the children are.
I love seeing babies in white though! It’s so pure and innocent and as an amateur photographer, I think little babas look so much better wearing white & neutral clothes in photos than if they’re clad in commercialised pink Disney things
I think it is wonderful to wait and be surprised, what a wonderful, incredible surprise after all that hard work, how special to say “it’s girl/boy!” BUT, we totally found out haha. Our little one was a huge (precious!!) surprise so I think finding out the sex made him seem more like a little person and less of an abstract sweet dream and helped my husband connect with him more. I wanted to wait but my husband was so excited and dying to know -he wanted to know everything about our baby, loved that baby so much, so we found out. I’m not sure if we’ll find out for future little ones.
Agree with C&P here, most of the stuff we’ve got in the littlest sizes are whites and naturals. I did find some gorgeous white/pink striped babygros, but the pink was very pale and I would’ve used them for a boy as well. The only things we’ve got that’s girlie are her little dresses, and some tights. But that’s not really newborn stuff And we got some Hello [name]Kitty[/name] socks as a pressie from my goddaughter.
We already have 4 or 5 solid girl names picked out, but she doesn’t like any of them, so she’s been relentless about suggesting other names. It’s driving me a bit crazy. I just try really hard to change the subject whenever it comes up. Oh well, she’ll just have to get used to the name we pick 
And we got some Hello [name]Kitty[/name] socks as a pressie from my goddaughter.