Not quite name regret

Hey berries,

As some of you will know, I had my second baby girl nearly 3 week ago. I just need to talk this out somewhere I know people will understand.

From before conception I knew I wanted a daughter called Hazel. When we found out we were having another girl I shared the name with family quite early on as a potential and I sensed no one really liked it much. Mum was forever suggesting alternatives and my MIL would just not say anything about it with a disapproving air. My husband liked it well enough but wasn’t thrilled and tried to convince me of a couple of other names but I wouldn’t budge. Eventually he conceded and we referred to her as Hazel for the last few months of pregnancy.

My first daughter was born with red hair and hazel eyes and I was hoping for another of the same colouring but knew she was equally likely to be blonde and blue eyed. I always said to friends I don’t know what I’ll do if she comes out with blue eyes, I may have to consider another name. I was also noticing the name getting increasingly popular in Australia and especially my state. A report was released around the time she was born and we discovered Hazel was #4 in in 2023! A fact I couldn’t quite believe considering I’ve never met one but a clear strike against using the name.

Well of course she was born with blonde hair and blue eyes and my husband immediately vetoed Hazel and said it wasn’t her name. My parents were staying with us too so had much more say than they would’ve otherwise had. I still wouldn’t agree to my husband’s top names so we deferred to our list for the first name we could agree on. It was Stella, which incidentally paired perfectly with Hope, a family name I had wanted to use. That same day my second cousin sent an astrology reading to my mum and casually mentioned a distant relative called Stella and some astrological connection to her (not knowing we were considering the name). I also remembered early in pregnancy getting a strong sense she wanted to be named for the stars. So rather impulsively, with a touch of people pleasing and a sprinkle of overwhelm I said “fine, let’s call her Stella”. Everyone loved it.

Now, objectively I think this is an amazing name, and I do believe it suits her. But the perfectionist and name nerd in me is struggling to accept it as I had my sibsets all planned out for 3-4 based on Hazel being #2. I loved that Hazel was 5 letters like our first Flora and that they shared a botanical theme. I am also grieving Hazel after using the name in my head and out loud for months. I don’t have that warm fuzzy feeling for the name Stella that I had for Flora and then for Hazel. I feel a bit guilty saying so cause she has already so become Stella, but it just feels foreign to say and I’m a bit baffled about how I ended up with a daughter called Stella.

Anyway, I’m not sure what I need. Perhaps some commiserations, and some love for the name Stella.

I just have to say I’m obsessed with both my girls and I feel incredibly blessed to have them both. I’m so tickled by their differences as well as their similarities. Stella is such a mystery to me in a way my first born wasn’t. I don’t know if that’s a second born thing or what, but she’s nothing like what I expected and equally familiar at the same time. She’s a very easy baby we’re feeling very lucky and in love, despite the name troubles!

12 Likes

I just want to pipe in that eye color often changes in the first year to 2 years.

9 Likes

[name_m]Ah[/name_m], this is tough - I can imagine it does feel strange to suddenly call her a name that’s different to the one you have been calling her for the last few months of the pregnancy - it will feel jarring when you’ve had it in your mind for so long.

[name_f]My[/name_f] first piece of advice is to say the obvious: give it time to settle - let yourself adjust and get used to having a not just new baby, but a second born, and a baby girl called [name_f]Stella[/name_f].

[name_f]My[/name_f] second thing is to show some love for [name_f]Stella[/name_f] - as a name and for you:

  • it’s got a beautiful meaning and feels both grounded and celestial
  • it has a poetic vibe with being too fanciful
  • [name_f]Stella[/name_f] [name_f]Hope[/name_f] gives such beautiful imagery - starry hope :star2: :sparkles:
  • It doesn’t have the obvious botanical connection to [name_f]Flora[/name_f] like [name_u]Hazel[/name_u], however, the star/flower nature connection is still wonderful and you’ve got the ‘stellaria’ plants to link them too - oh, and stargazer lilies

I hope you feel better about [name_f]Stella[/name_f] as a name soon :heart:

10 Likes

Popularity really can ruin a name so if you sensed [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] maybe getting uncomfortably popular that may be a good thing you avoided it. When pregnant with my 4th hubby was trying to push [name_u]Ezra[/name_u] as a name option and I kept vehemently vetoing it telling him it was too popular (thank you Nameberry for the heads up!); he would argue he never heard it before on anyone. Well baby was born he went with a name that was no where near his top choice but my dream name. And in the 8 months since he has heard repeatedly the name Ezra… he it kids dance class, library or [name_f]Sunday[/name_f] school and he looks at me and says we really dodged a bullet by my being so adamant [name_u]Ezra[/name_u] wasn’t an option. It took him time I think to fall in love with our sons name and actually he had picked our third borns name and it took me a couple months to fall in love with his name. I think two things helped with each of us- nicknames and watching their personality emerge and bring life to the name.

[name_f]Stella[/name_f] is such a fun name and goes great with [name_f]Flora[/name_f]!

4 Likes

I’m sorry it didn’t turn out how you hoped. I can’t say I’ve been there exactly because our naming experience with our son was a bit different, but I do understand the struggle of choosing a name with a partner. I also understand dreaming of your future children, and feeling a strong connection to specific names as you picture your children.

Before conception, your [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] was still a fantasy. It could only happen if all the pieces fell in the right places, and for a time, they did. It must’ve really hurt when that all came apart. It’s no wonder it’s bewildering to think of your daughter as anything other than [name_u]Hazel[/name_u].

If this was happening to me, I would need to debrief with someone to process it further. I’m not sure if that’s what you need but I have some thoughts on what happened if you’re interested.

Summary

There are two things that stand out when I read about what happened. The first is that both decisions you made together were under some influence and pressure. The first agreement you and your husband came to during pregnancy was unbalanced. It was a name he wasn’t thrilled by but it was the perfect name for you. He agreed anyway.

The second time, it was post birth and the pressure on you in particular was immense. The method you took together was more balanced overall but your grief over [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] was likely far stronger than your husband’s was over his favourites. Looking back on both decisions, each one was harder on you and your husband at different times.

The second thing is the input your respective families had on your decision process. It’s unfortunate they had more input than you wanted. I think that takes away some feeling of control and ownership over the process. It makes it harder to see what happened as a compromise between parents when their voices were also being heard.

You’re also the most affected by the decision reversal. Your daughter’s name was going to be your preferred choice. The opportunity to use your favourite name was stripped from you. Not only that, you had already bonded with and called your baby that name. That’s a hard thing to deal with.

We agreed when naming our son that his middle name would reflect my family. So I naturally had more say in his middle name. But having more responsibility can lead to more doubt. Our son is seven months now and I still think about the choice we went with in the middle and whether there might’ve been a better way to reflect my family.

I think there could be something in that, such as feeling responsible for signing off on [name_f]Stella[/name_f] as the final name. It might be that you weren’t ready to sign off on any replacement name at the time you did. After all, it takes time to process sudden change.

The last thing I want say is that one day it might all still fall into place. It may not seem like it now, but it could feel very different in one, five or ten years time. It might be that [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] is still in your future for a different daughter. It might be something else entirely. I wish you peace with the decision and all best with your family.

7 Likes

[name_f]Stella[/name_f] is beautiful! [name_u]Ive[/name_u] had to grow attached to both my childrens names so I get the weird feeling. Im feeling like I would take any reasonable name right now if he would just sleep longer than a couple hours without being held. Hopefully your name love for [name_f]Stella[/name_f] keeps growing!

2 Likes

So first, I don’t care if they’re sleeping in the same room with you but your parents don’t get anymore say than if they lived in Timbuktu. They can talk all they want but you do not have to listen to them.

It’s sad that your partner agreed to [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] and vetoed it, especially as aforementioned eye color can change drastically in first months/years of life and hair can darken later in life.

If you really think [name_f]Stella[/name_f] suits her best, it’s a lovely combination with big sis’s name. But if you don’t, then don’t be afraid to advocate for [name_u]Hazel[/name_u]! I totally understand the popularity throwing you off though!

[name_f]Stella[/name_f] is lovely! A potential honor for [name_f]Stella[/name_f] could be [name_f]Estelle[/name_f] or [name_f]Estella[/name_f] if those catch your fancy!

Best wishes!

2 Likes

Congratulations on your baby girl! I’ve been watching for a name announcement and was actually wondering if you were struggling with her name, as it’s been awhile. Sorry to hear that is the case.

We have a top two for our baby boy, due in a few weeks. One is the top choice for both of us, but I think we’re keeping the other in our back pocket just in case he comes out and we go “Oh yes, definitely not Z, he’s B after all.” We’ve pretty much been avoiding calling him by name out loud, but I do think of him as Z, and if above scenario should happen, I’m pretty sure calling him B will feel strange at first. [name_f]Pretty[/name_f] sure I’ll also be grieving Z, as it really feels like his name.

I do remember your love for [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] now, but in trying to think what you might choose, while waiting to hear, it was [name_f]Stella[/name_f] I thought of. I remembered your post about the stars.

2 Likes

Congrats on the birth of your second daughter!

It’s so hard that feeling like you may have buckled on something you really wanted. I also think it’s hard that there is always another name that could be right for our kids (there’s not just one perfect name for anyone!).

What I like about [name_f]Stella[/name_f]: it’s lovely to say, it has a beautiful, confident and obviously radiant feel, it’s nice having an earth (floral) and heavens (stars) connection, and while I really like [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] too, there is something more zippy and free about [name_f]Stella[/name_f].

Unless it’s something that bothers you in a few more weeks, I would keep using and enjoying [name_f]Stella[/name_f], and save [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] for someone else…:sparkles:

1 Like

Oh my dear I have walked in your shoes regarding my daughter’s name and it’s so tricky. You know that the name is beautiful, you know that the name is loved by all and suits your daughter but it’s not the name you envisioned calling your child. Heck when I think about Lilia’s name I often think how on earth did I end up with a daughter named [name_f]Lilia[/name_f]? I’m certain I was meant to have a daughter named [name_u]Rose[/name_u]. [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] was not in my plan. It’s hard but also have to realise that plans do change and maybe what I envisioned is not actually what I’ve been blessed with. [name_f]My[/name_f] vision to have [name_u]Rose[/name_u] is just that a concept, an idea as the reality is my child is meant to be [name_f]Lilia[/name_f].
I remember you posting about stars and this being related to your pregnancy maybe that was your daughter’s way of letting you know her name was going to be [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. Similarly I had a strong expectation/need to follow Ashkenazi customs and when I dreamed about my daughter’s name there was always an emphasis on how her name would start with an L and end in an A completely ruling out [name_u]Rose[/name_u]. Similarly to you I also was influenced by family, spurred on my people pleasing as everyone was delighted that I was using an Ashkenazi name. At first like you I thought that it was added pressure my name nerd moment being taken and I still do feel that sting but on the other hand I’m happy that my family are happy with her name. It makes her name special. [name_m]Just[/name_m] like your families involvement will make [name_f]Stella[/name_f] more special. Regarding the ‘fuzzy feeling’ even though I think your in the same boat as me and I believe you’ll be head over heels once your settled into this new journey that fuzzy feeling will remain. [name_f]My[/name_f] gosh I’m still gooey eyed for [name_u]Rose[/name_u]. She’s the name that got away. I love [name_u]Rose[/name_u]! You will always love [name_u]Hazel[/name_u]. But I think I’ve just come to accept that my girl is meant to be [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] just like yours is meant to be [name_f]Stella[/name_f].

Concerning [name_f]Stella[/name_f] the name itself she’s very bright, stylish, fun and starry. I think [name_f]Stella[/name_f] sounds fab with Fl0ra very enchanting I also like that they both end in a strong ‘a’ sound so feel cohesive. [name_f]Stella[/name_f] H0pe is such a fun name!

Finally you’ve just given birth, you adjusting to being a mama of two and you’ve got tons of hormones whirling around. Everything is a lot. It’s perfectly normal to be doubting such a huge decision. Naming a human is a huge deal you want to smash it so it’s normal to be having doubts. You do have time to change the name if you want so maybe create a pros and cons list for [name_f]Stella[/name_f] (I think you’ll find tons of pros) and see if it still works for you. But honestly I think you’ve chosen brilliantly.

Wishing you all the best :dove:

4 Likes

This was beautifully affirming, thank you lovely.

@tori101 your reply made me cry! I remember your Rose/Lilia dilemma well and did think of you. I’m almost certain, in fact I AM certain that [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is her name, it’s just my own grief, name ocd and bewilderment I’m dealing with. I also feel content to have chosen something that pleases everyone, but bitter I didn’t get my own way, haha.

I agree with this!

I feel you on this! [name_f]Flora[/name_f] had two modes in her first 12 months of life, screaming the house down or sleeping on someone’s body. So far [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is rocking the long bassinet naps and I am just as baffled by her chilledness as I am about her name haha.

Thank you everyone for your lovely and helpful reflections xx

7 Likes

As i’m yet to be a mum, i cannot offer any advice, or experience. But i do feel that in time, you will make the right decision.

… my uncle [name_m]Graham[/name_m] was apparently [name_m]Geoffrey[/name_m] for the first three months of his life. Nobody remembers but Grandad who has this smile about it, which definitely means there is one hell a story behind it, yet i know itll never be shared.

Follow your heart, it knows the way.

1 Like

Ahh @elleplume you’re definitely walking in my shoes and it’s so tricky especially when you’re battling what you’ve envisioned for yourself. [name_m]Bless[/name_m] you I hope my response has provided some peace and I wish you all the best with your newest addition.

How does your husband feel about Stella’s name? I’m just wondering because it sounds like he was perhaps going to concede to you on [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] despite not fully liking the name. And maybe he felt the only way to get out of using it was to convince you that a blond and blue-eyed baby couldn’t be named [name_u]Hazel[/name_u].

Maybe he was never going to actually agree to it and it was never meant to be this baby’s name. He may need more time to warm up to it, if you do have another daughter … the time might be right later on for her name to be [name_u]Hazel[/name_u].

2 Likes

It’s a great name, and while I understand grieving the name, I do believe in some kind of fate, almost as if the baby could choose their name. I felt that with my daughter, her name wasn’t in any of mine or my husband’s lists. The sound wasn’t all that appealing to me, at least not as much as other names. But she appeared to me in a dream and that was her name no questions asked.

Maybe [name_f]Stella[/name_f] was just meant to be a [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. It seems like a lot of signs. Maybe there’s a little [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] waiting to come to you sometime in the future, maybe it’s just a dream child, but this one was your little [name_f]Stella[/name_f] and I’m sure she’ll brighten your life so much that her name will become your favorite thing to hear :heart:

1 Like

[name_m]Ah[/name_m], [name_f]Elle[/name_f], I’m sorry to hear naming your 2nd has been accompanied by some difficult feelings. I find her name absolutely stunning (stars and hope, that’s such a beautiful meaning, especially combined with the feelings you had during pregnancy) but sounds like you were rushed into making the decision and it wasn’t quite on your own terms. It seems like despite the circumstances you found the right name for her but it makes sense that you feel weird about how it all came about. I’d try to take some time to reclaim the name as yours again by focusing on the reasons why you like it/why it was on your list in the first place and take out your family’s opinions out of the equation. It’s lovely that they all like it, but what really matters is that you had your own reasons to like it.

This is so beautiful that it takes my breath away. We’re hoping to have a second :crossed_fingers: and I’d love to go on this same adventure one day. Huge congratulations on your second little girl!

3 Likes

Congratulations! :blush:

I would 1000% change her name, it’s only been 3 weeks. [name_f]My[/name_f] own name was changed a few times. [name_f]My[/name_f] mother wanted to name me [name_f]Grete[/name_f], but my father’s family was against it since there already was a [name_f]Grete[/name_f] (I have met her twice :joy:). Then my family from my father’s side (again…:unamused:) didn’t like the alternative either. [name_f]My[/name_f] poor mother was in a weak position health wise and everybody were deciding over her baby’s name- yet she was the one who carried me and went through a very hard pregnancy and child birth… Don’t let others to dominate over you, [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] is fantastic! It’s totally fine to be a little blond [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] :blush: And babies change eye colour anyway. However, [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is beautiful too :blush:

1 Like

I am sorry you are dealing with difficult emotions right now. I understand where you are coming from as I also had to abandon my favourite name because my husband did not like it. It would have been even more difficult for you as you were able to call your baby by that name for several months.

With that being said, [name_f]Stella[/name_f] is a lovely name and perhaps less common than [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] right now. [name_f]Stella[/name_f] was the name of my third-grade teacher who I remember fondly. She was a very sweet and patient woman with a lovely voice, who was loved by and loved children. It really is a good name choice. I hope you come to love it as much as you love [name_u]Hazel[/name_u].

1 Like

“She’s nothing like what I expected and equally familiar at the same time.”

You expected your little [name_u]Hazel[/name_u] and were surprised by a [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. It’s okay to be perplexed and disillusioned, and to grieve what you expected, all while getting familiar with the unexpected wonder of [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. Both names are beautiful, but it sounds like many circumstances combined and made her uniquely [name_f]Stella[/name_f]. In my experience as one and with one, second children often forge a path we wouldn’t have envisioned for them :slightly_smiling_face:

1 Like