Opinion on Poem for Mommy-to-be!

Parentberries
1

Hey everyone! As I have stated a couple of times before, my cousin is pregnant and I am super thrilled! I have written a poem for the personalized card I will be giving her and I would like your opinions on it if you don’t mind.

Ten tiny fingers,
Ten small toes,
[name]One[/name] little mouth,
And one adorable nose.

Two listening ears
And two searching eyes–
Beady, bright, and beaming
As an [name]April[/name] sunrise.

As cute as a button
And sweet as can be,
A precious baby (boy/girl)
We are all too anxious to meet.

From those first piercing cries
To the many sleepless nights.
From those terrible, terrible twos
To “Please don’t turn out the light!”

From the first school uniform
To the last cap and gown.
From those first kicks and screams
To “[name]Don[/name]'t think you’re too grown, now.”

My prayer for you is simple.
My wish is plain, you see?
[name]May[/name] your (son/daughter) always be as cute as a button
And forever as sweet as can be.

Thanks in advance for you opinions!

3

Stylistic points:

  1. Take out the word ‘one’ from the last line of the first stanza and the flow is perfect.

  2. The third line in the second stanza is a beat or so too long to fit the flow.

  3. Ditto the last two lines in the third stanza.

  4. The rest is fine except for the third line in the last stanza. It’s far too crowded. I think I’d do:

“My prayer for you is simple,
My wish is plain to see,
[name]May[/name] she/he be always cute as a button,
And forever as sweet as can be.”

I mean, even that’s a bit rough as I’ve repeated ‘be’ far too much but you get the idea :slight_smile: Overall it’s pretty good.

4

mimimommy: Thank you!! :slight_smile:

renrose: Thanks for the critique! I totally get your point! Definitely going to make those changes.