So I just read this article about a little girl who likes dressing like boys and being called “[name_u]Sam[/name_u]” (her name is [name_f]Samantha[/name_f]), and all I could think was, “well, that’s great, society is pretty darn accepting of that at this point”. What with the perfluence of more masculine names on girls, and a recent emphasis on toys for girls that aren’t pink and princess ([name_f]Goldie[/name_f] Blox, etc.), I can’t help but feeling totally left out of the “girl power” discussion now that we found out we’re having a boy.
I’d like to raise my son with the same values on equality, but there seems to be a heck of a lot of gender bias in boys’ clothes and toys (I almost cried when I was at Target the other day, because 80% of the clothes were “girl” clothes")! Has anyone else struggled with this? [name_m]How[/name_m] did you approach it?
BTW I do sew and knit to a beginning degree, but dang I don’t have time to hand make all my kids’ clothes!
Watch (or read) Raising [name_m]Cain[/name_m]: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys. There is plenty of nurturing and discussion (re: emotions and feelings) and empowerment that needs to be cultivated with boys, too.
On the clothing issue, I definitely feel for you. There are sooo many cute things for girls and not nearly as many for boys. [name_f]My[/name_f] boys (even the baby!) pretty much live in gym shorts and tee shirts, so even if I buy my older boys something dressy/nice/stylish/special I have to lobby hard to get them to wear it. So I’ve started looking at it as a perk: less time needed to shop for them, more time for doing other fun activities. Also, I overcompensate for it in the shoe department–they’re really picky about the shoes they’re willing to wear, and we could spend a lot of time looking for the perfect pair if we really wanted to. Toddler boy shoes can be really cute, like the ones at the Vans store at the mall. Make sure you indulge in those, before they’re old enough to have a strong opinion!
I’m really glad you asked this, moonkai! I feel the same way, and trust me… I was ready to flip displays over when I was at Target as well. You’re not alone!
I have a 2 1/2 year old son. There are way more girl clothes than boy clothes, it is true. BUT the boy clothes are much sturdier, in my opinion. Some of my friends with little girls actually buy boy jeans b.c they say that the girl jeans are so flimsy and also cut so they fit much tighter and don’t allow for much range of motion.
I have actually bought very little, b.c we got a lot of hand me downs. But there are cute boy clothes, depending on your aesthetic. They are a little harder to find, but if you decide what look you are going for, there is way more cute stuff for boys than there ever has been before.
I would say that if you want to sew or knit for little babies/kids, go for the big impact pieces. Make the high holiday clothes, take a million photos, then fold them carefully away to pass on to your grandchildren. If you knit, sweater vests for little boys are a great piece.
I am positive that we have passed on gendering messages to our son, I don’t think there is any way to avoid that. But he plays with dolls as well as trucks, he loves pink and tends to select the pink option if there is a choice. He likes to pretend to cook and he likes to play with his excavator. He plays with boys and girls equally well, I don’t think kids get all gender police till they are a little older. We talk about feelings and emotions a lot.
To me, the most important thing is having good role models for your son. If you have that in your partner, that is awesome, if not, find that someplace. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is really excellent at talking about his feelings and other stuff men are not “supposed” to be good at. So I feel good about that.
Of course, all of this stuff gets so much more complicated the older they get!
Totally feel you with moarning all the cute girl clothes and the little selection for boys. It sucks
One perk is this. We are saving all of our little guys clothes. If we have anther boy, perfect. If not, I plan on buying her a few cute girly things, but she can wear most of Jems clothes, and I’ll just add a bow in her hair!
Here is an article i enjoyed when we found out we were having a boy!
Like it says, Most boys have a strangely innate tendancy towards ‘boy’ things, no matter how hard you try and be open minded and make them open minded. This is a generalization of course. Some boys love baby dolls, dress up and play kitchens! And I plan to stock up on all these things!
Thanks everyone. Luckily [name_u]Sequoia[/name_u] will have an awesome role model in his dad, who has long hair, cooks, steals my pajamas, and hates sports, lol. He also wants to be a stay at home dad if we can afford it and he’d be great because he’s very nurturing.
I totally agree about the ongoing battle to help your son avoid the ongoing influence of macho and rape culture. I think that part terrifies me the most!
Most people have said everything that I was going to say, but I will just add that we have been very careful to teach our boys to ASK FIRST before for example, they hug someone. So when we are leaving their friends’ house we might say ‘Lets ask [name_m]Hugo[/name_m] if he wants a hug?’ and if [name_m]Hugo[/name_m] says no, we acknowledge that that is totally OK, and move on to asking his twin or his parents (who always say yes) instead. I am hopeful that this can start to engrain the idea of respect for other’s personal space and listening to their desires.
YES. This is huge. Our boy is very affectionate and we have been working with him about asking for hugs and kisses before he just goes in for the tackle. Part of that is also teaching him that it is okay for him to say No to a hug or kiss, whether it is from another kid or from grandma. [name_m]Even[/name_m] if grandma traveled several hundred miles just to see him, he still doesn’t have to hug her until he wants to. So far, he always does want to, but he needs a little time to warm up first.
It is really important to teach kids that they own their own bodies and determine who can touch them and when. So we have taught our son that if he doesn’t want a hug, he can give a high-five, handshake, or fist bump instead.
Gender bias is everywhere, I know some parents do their best to avoid anything gendered when raising their kids but I think it’s ultimately pretty futile. As another poster said, I think it’s more important to encouraging the child to express their own interests and not being judgmental or try to suppress it, whether that’s a son crying, a son wanting to be a princess or a daughter wanting to be a princess.
I buy clothes at Target and I find lots of cute baby boy things, but I only shop in the baby/toddler section so maybe it gets worse when they are older. I think the baby clothes at Target are the cutest of what I’ve seen, although I admit I don’t shop at many places.
I worry about my son more than my daughter, because my daughter is given the message that she can be anything she wants to be and that she is strong and capable. [name_f]My[/name_f] son is told on one side by the macho culture not to be a sissy and on the other side like the previous poster, that he is a monster, violent and insensitive because he is a male. Everyone should be taught the lesson to be kind, thoughtful towards others and respect each other, girls as much as boys.
He will like what he likes. Your job as a parent is to encourage self-expression, and not make him be a living embodiment of your own gender ideals. (I’m not condemning you, I’m saying this for myself too). Chances are, if you’re a betting person, he’ll like building towers and knocking them over, playing rambunctiously in the dirt, and anything with wheels. In other words, chances are that he’ll be cisgender.
Some of this is really frustrating though. At age 18 months I enrolled my son in a dance class. The school specifically assured me it was gender-neutral, etc. And my son adored dancing. Well, of course he was the only boy. They taught the steps by telling the children to do “princess twirls” and “take princess steps.” The children threw pink flowers around to learn their hand movements and they were constantly told how pretty they were. I about vomited, and of course my son wasn’t so keen on it. It was just shocking how much emphasis there is on little girls being ‘pretty,’ whereas boys would get messages like they’re strong, powerful, or just plain getting it right. As the mother of a boy I hadn’t had to encounter any of that silliness yet (though of course with my baby daughter, it’s coming).
Some boy-specific clothing is completely adorable, btw. I can’t get enough of shortalls, personally. And is there anything cuter than tiny bow ties? [name_m]Even[/name_m] miniature sneaks are totally cute (we have a collection of various designer [name_f]Air[/name_f] Jordans- the [name_m]Kobe[/name_m] edition, the [name_m]LeBron[/name_m] edition, etc-- given by a certain shoe-obsessed uncle. They get tons of comments). [name_f]My[/name_f] son wears these little plaid shorts with belts, and tiny yacht shoes, and preppy sweaters, and it looks amazing.
And I completely agree with posters above re: the complete impracticality of baby girl’s clothes. I find it frustrating and disgusting, frankly. Boys’ clothes, even when humdrum, are meant for movement and playing and tough usage. Girls have these tiny short-shorts, or little floaty dresses with bloomers, and you’re like seriously? I’m going to take you to the park in this, with all of your bare skin exposed and no cushion between your delicate little body and the cedar chips/ sand pit / monkey bars? It’s weird. They’re tight and constricting too-- basically infant clothing designers have taken tween wear and shrunk it, which just doesn’t work.
I also have these fears about having a boy. Our daughter can easily play with any toy without a problem. Her dad buys her all types of Legos because that is one of his favorite toys. I can paint her nails and put blush on her cheeks if she asks.
I have been keeping an eye on clothing. [name_f]Zara[/name_f] has a cute boys collection that isn’t too pricey. I think I’ll also buy some solid colored onesies to pair with baby moccasins, which is simple and sweet. I might even talk myself into splurging on bobo choses or mini rodini since I think I would be less likely to buy as much clothing for a boy anyway.
I have a 7 year old boy and he is sensitive, kind, loving BUT also destructive, athletic, and loves fart jokes. I think the balance comes from [name_m]BOTH[/name_m] genders. It is great to have a strong male role model, but it is also important that as mothers we teach our boys how to treat all women, whether a 2 year old girl or grandma. [name_f]My[/name_f] son cries at the Humane Society commercials, but also loves to watch any super-hero movie (which are my favorites). He is surrounded by mostly women, he plays house with my little 5 year cousin, but he loves soccer and is almost a black belt in [name_u]Tae[/name_u] Kwon [name_f]Do[/name_f]. In other words, no matter what, our kids will like what they like, and as others have said, we just need to support their personality and make sure we teach them respect for ALL living things, animals included. I think as they get older, it is actually easier to explain these gender differences and that no one person is right or wrong in their lifestyle choices. Children are notoriously accepting of everyone, and as long as parents are not expressing inappropriate opinions, the child won’t either.
As for clothes, I have always bought his play clothes at H&M and Target, best and most durable for school & hard, boy-play. His nicer dress-up clothes, I get from Nordstrom. There is more to choose from for girls, but if you look in the right place, your boy will be just as stylish.
All great points! I definitely feel like I just want to be able to support him in what he likes without any shame felt. It’s a cruel world out there, and I just hope I can do as good a job as my parents did in instilling that it’s great to be yourself and love doing what makes you happy ( I got teased a lot because I was into “weird” things like SciFi, martial arts, girl scouts, and playing the trombone)- even if he does end up loving sports and other stereotypical macho things - LOL - I’ll try to be encouraging and accepting.
What a great thread! It’s a topic I’ve always been really interested in. There’s so much awareness on the girl front, and that’s wonderful because we need it, but we also have to start doing something on the boy front, because there are some really scary things happening on that side, and because it’s all part of the same issue. Raising [name_m]Cain[/name_m] is a fantastic book. I’m also looking forward to this documentary: The Mask You Live In.
For fun clothes that aren’t soaked in sports or camouflage, consider etsy, at least for the infant through toddler stage. Some of it is pricey, but not all. Here’s my pinterest board for kid clothes if you want some ideas. It’s boys and girls mixed, and more girl than boy because that’s the world we live in, but I’ve found a ton of stuff I really like for a boy.
[name_f]My[/name_f] son is four years old. I really haven’t felt it’s been too difficult to find cute boy clothes. There aren’t as many as cute girl clothes but you can find some really cute stuff. I’m lucky because my [name_f]MIL[/name_f] sews and has made my son some smocked outfits but I’ve also found even more of them at reasonable prices in consignment shops. Plus you can find a lot of funny things on outfits, which I personally enjoy. I’m also a sucker for a cute sailor suit and have found many sailor suit inspired type clothes.
In terms of dealing with boys toys and girls toys that hasn’t really been an issue. We buy what he is interested in and don’t really worry or fret about color or intended gender. Recently he’s been really into having tea parties but he also loves fire trucks and construction machines. And one of his absolute favorite toys is a pink car ramp. He’s gone through periods where he loved the color pink however now he’s being more affected by his peers and says that pink is for girls so he loves the color red instead now. However he was still happy to pick out [name_f]Daisy[/name_f] Duck when we let him get one Disney stuffed toy.
Also somewhat off topic but I don’t care for [name_f]Goldie[/name_f] Blox. The toys they make are pink and purple and in my opinion not that different from buying your daughter pink Legos. If they set out just to make toys that encouraged scientific thinking that would be one thing but their whole scientific thinking toys for girls in my opinion doesn’t make them any better then any other manufacturer that promotes their toys as just for boys or girls.
With [name_f]Joely[/name_f] I was all excited because I could shop for cute girly clothes. With [name_u]Arlo[/name_u] I had to get all new clothes or so I thought. I was putting away some of Js clothes and I noticed that he had a pair of blue jeans that could easily work as unisex pants as well as several onesies.
I figured since [name_u]Arlo[/name_u] was to young to know that he was wearing girls clothes.
Now it doesn’t matter. He wears clothes that are some of his and some of joelys hand me downs and he doesn’t care. Purple is actually his fave colour.
As for toys, we don’t buy girls only Lego. In fact we have the kids put their toys in the playroom and they have access to each other’s toys. [name_u]Arlo[/name_u] currently carts a stuffed doll with him everywhere. I think it’s up to the parents to fill in where society doesn’t or doesn’t well.
I struggled with this same thought: will my boy grow up to understand gender equality like girls do?
I think that so long as the parent instills there values and morals of equality, and holds the household to a high standard of respect, then the child will grow up with the same morals. Like for example, if as a parent, you talk with your son beginning at a young age about equality (In little kids terms) and then continue that conversation into adolescents, the lesson will be ground into the child.
As for the clothes, it is absolutely horrible! All these beautiful and adorable clothes for little girls, and accessories too, and my son is stuck with grey shirts and black pants?
I think too get the real nice clothing you have to be willing to search far and wide, or pay more money!
