okay so I have PCOS and don’t have kids yet and won’t until I am financially stable and have a job. I have been doing research on age gaps.
I have been recommended to keep the age gap between bio kids (as I’d like to adopt too) to 2 years or under, even 1 year.
What would you recommend?
I don’t (and won’t) have children, but I am a person who has close in age siblings, a sibling decades younger than me, and close friends and family with large ranges of age gaps between their siblings. I know siblings with less than a year of age gap and siblings with more than 20 years of age gap. Heck, I have both in my own family.
This likely isn’t what you’re looking for but this is at least the closest thing to what my experience has led me to believe is true: ultimately, it doesn’t matter too much. Every age gap is fine.
Siblings closer in age will develop together. It doesn’t mean they’ll be closer. It doesn’t even mean they’ll get along (that is never guaranteed; I love my siblings but I know that’s not a given for everyone). But it’s nice they can go through milestones closer together and they’ll have potential allies that might understand what they’re going through growing up because they went through it recently (or will go through it soon and then understand).
Siblings farther apart in age will have a different type of relationship that is no less valuable. With a 10+ year age gap, there’s a generational gap but it doesn’t mean they can’t still have a good relationship. The sibling I am closest to right now is the one who is the least close to me in age; we just don’t have the same type of relationship as we would if we had grown up at the same time. The most important thing is I’m not treated as another parent to my little sibling; that allows us to have a closer sibling bond.
Ultimately, there’s really no “best” age gap between siblings. Just do what works best for you (to the extent you can; I understand control is limited).
I don’t know why that suggestion would have been given to you in relation to pcos. Maybe you could elaborate?
Perhaps it has something to do with how it may be difficult to conceive or sometimes easier to have a second pregnancy after the first for many women with pcos?
I have pcos, and It took us 2 years to conceive our first with assistive reproductive medicine.
We started trying again when our first was 9 months and they ended up being two years apart. It was easier the second time, but mostly because we knew what worked from the two years of experimentation and we weren’t in such a rush to have a baby.
If you’re asking in regards to how kids get along or what ages are easiest to manage together, that’s really hard to say. It depends on so, so many things and there’s no right answer.
There’s also many variables to being able to have kids close together, not only do you have the time it may take to conceive, maybe you’ll have a cesarean and be recommended to wait two years before your next pregnancy. There’s lots of things like this once you start having babies, there can be lots of complications you simply can’t plan for.
[name_f]My[/name_f] kids are best friends now but I also have siblings born with the same age gap and they don’t really get along and never have. As for me in particular, I’m the eldest by 10 years and am more of a parent to my siblings than a sister or a friend. I personally wouldn’t recommend that as I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of my childhood because of it and until they have kids of their own, (they’re teenagers now) I doubt they’ll appreciate all I’ve done for them (if ever) 
There is a thread somewhere on here about recommended age gaps, so that may be helpful to find.
I am also unsure why you were advised to have a small age gap because of PCOS. Did a doctor tell you this? I’ve always heard growing up that small age groups were preferable so your kids would get along better but I’ve been told (by my doctor) that the opposite is true, for health reasons, recovery, etc.
I have PCOS and am dealing with secondary infertility because of it. At this rate, my kids will be just shy of 3.5 years apart at minimum. As hard as infertility is, I am actually okay with the larger than usual age gap. Where I’m at, it is pretty common to get pregnant again within a year or so of having a child… some people love it but it seems ridiculously hard to me. One child can be hard enough at times, let alone more.
You can’t always choose when pregnancy will happen to you. Personally, I’d take it one child at a time and see how you feel, rather than try to trying to stick to one certain age range. Health issues, temperament, finances, mental health, housing, cost of living, PCOS…so many factors can come along that can change your plans.
In terms of general age ranges, the other users have handled that well. Close in age doesn’t always mean close just as much as far apart means they’ll be strangers. I grew up with 5 siblings and none of us really talk at all anymore, except for the oldest and youngest (around 21 years apart). I’m a bit less than 2 years older than my next sibling and we were best friends or mortal enemies lol. We’re all very different people.
I don’t agree with previous posters about it not mattering. There is research that supports the most ideal age gap (lower end) for both the health of the mother and baby. Smaller gaps can lead to increased risk of health troubles, complications, or mortality for both.
This article from BBC summarises research and recommendations. It provides links to journal articles and lists recommendations by different organisations.
In short, WHO recommends 18-24 months before becoming pregnant again. A journal article that looked at 150,000 births determined that 12-18 months is the ideal minimum.
Yes! The 18-24 month one is what my doctor recommended for us, especially since I had a c-section.
While this is true for healthy mothers there are certain conditions that would change this recommendation based on the situation/condition.
Personally I have a cousin who has endometriosis. She had surgery to clear it out so she could become pregnant. Her dr.'s recommended that she had as many children as she wanted within the 3-5ish years before the endometriosis grows back. Because the risk of her having children close together was less than the risk of her trying to get pregnant once the endometriosis returned
However I dont quite understand why this would
affect someone with PCOS. But I would probably ask my Dr. they would know best!
I know of some older mothers who would prefer a larger age gap between children however they feel that they will run out of time to create their family if they wait.
Personally, I loved the idea of having lots of children close in age.
However, after our first, we revised that naive plan. Between miscarriages, the experience of birth (which was quite awful), the unrelenting sleepless nights, the lack of couple time or me time…we adjusted our expectations. Coping with the care and attention of a newborn and one year old can be very different to a newborn and a three year old.
Personally growing up in quite a large family, I wouldn’t worry about siblings bonding even when they are 9 years apart.
TW:
yea the doctor (idk if she understood it fully) wanted to put me on the pill for my bleeding but said it would cause infertility so that came into worry. Also i think the under 1 year suggestion was given to me cos my cousin had it and had to get surgery to remove it (idk what she got removed cos she has 3 kids now but the 1st 2 are like two years apart i think. But yea I got a second opinion and they said that it would be fine. I just worry I couldn’t afford IVF :(.
I don’t know the similarities between endo but i know someone in my direct line who had endo and their children 14 years apart, and another who had the 1st and youngest 9 years apart (6 of them).
Also I’m worried about miscarriages 
TW Miscarriages:
yea the doctor (idk if she understood it fully) wanted to put me on the pill for my bleeding but said it would cause infertility so that came into worry. Also i think the under 1 year suggestion was given to me cos my cousin had it and had to get surgery to remove it (idk what she got removed cos she has 3 kids now but the 1st 2 are like two years apart i think. But yea I got a second opinion and they said that it would be fine. I just worry I couldn’t afford IVF :(.
I don’t know the similarities between endo but i know someone in my direct line who had endo and their children 14 years apart, and another who had the 1st and youngest 9 years apart (6 of them).
Also I’m worried about miscarriages
yea, i was hoping that article wasn’t true…
I also have other stuff like anaemia. As well as a condition where my t-cells are exhausted and other stuff that would contribute to fatigue and auto-immune deficiency. I’ve heard when you’re pregnant you’re more susceptible to colds and stuff?
Great they counteract eachother ugh so frustrating
yes! i’m afraid of having a natural birth cos the doctors stuffed it up (don’t worry i warn everyone i know here to never go to that hospital) and it resulted in almost death (LUCKILY, he’s happy and thriving now but i’m terrified of that happening cos i don’t think i could cope, idk how his mother did it!)
I would rather my kids be 2 years apart just because of stuff and fatigue…
[name_f]My[/name_f] Mum has PCOS and was told she wouldn’t have kids.
She ended up having eleven lol, and my siblings and I are all about one and a half-ish - 2 years apart on average.
Having siblings both close in age and many years apart, have its own benefits for me.
I hang out with my older siblings all the time, and we are best friends. I tease them and they irritate me, we fight sometimes and then make up immediately, and they are always there to support me. I know that they can take care of themselves, so I’m not looking out for them half as much as I do with my brothers and sisters many years younger.
[name_f]My[/name_f] relationship is very different with my younger siblings.
They are my best friends too, but I feel like a second mum to them sometimes, and it prepares me for my own time of motherhood. I’m pretty confident and chill about taking care of kids when I eventually have some of my own, thanks to having siblings so many years younger.
It teaches you to not be selfish, since you’re on the lookout for their best interests all the time.
I hope that made sense and actually helped lol. I start rambling all the time and forget what I’m trying to say. 
Xx 
Wow! Yea I have a cousin who had PCOS but got surgery to get rid of it? (idk how that works) so maybe i should ask my cousin?
I asked my last doctor and she wanted to give me the pill to help with my bleeding but said that would cause infertility. Got a second opinion and they said nope to that. Now gotta find a new doctor where we move!!
TW:
Miscarriage.
Yea, I know someone who had children 14 years apart (with endo) and they are super close!!
I don’t know if i could cope with a miscarriage.
I just don’t know if i could deal with under 1 year gap because of anaemia and stuff. I do have like 2 types of anaemia so yea…
Yea i want to have at least 2 bio kids 2 years apart but that’s sorta on the edge…I would adopt the rest for sure as i want at least 4. I definitely do not want just one child HOWEVER i would rather just one then none. If i can’t give birth (I really hope i can), i’m definitely adopting! just wanna name my own children (at least 2)
Wow! yea iwant a big family but maybe not 11 lol! how did she do it with say 3 under 3/2 under 2?? In my family, the smallest age gap (with my cousins (not including their kids)) is about 2 years lol but thats like my uncle’s kids, however with the girls in my family we tend to have pcos/endo and the age gaps go 3 years, 3 years, 3.5-4 years, 7 years and 14 years… however there have been alot of miscarriages along the way so definitely struggle.
Also I want to add with my cousin’s kids, the smallest age gap is under 1 year (but that’s with my cousin’s girlfriend (in this case, my cousin is a guy), for the ones who are my girl cousin’s it goes 2, 3/4 and 4/5… The larger two are my cousin who has pcos kids so yea gives me hope!
Yes, absolutely just general recommendations! Obviously it varies based on an individual, but my point is that there are evidence-based recommendations out there and of course your healthcare provider will know which is best for you.
I feel pressure myself to have a smaller age gap (DH and I talked about waiting 6mo before trying again). However, after learning more about postpartum depression and how many women don’t experience it until around the 1 year mark, and also considering my own health (getting back in shape), I think a year is better for us.
Not sure what you mean by the article not being true? It is more of a general recommendation for health mothers. Of course it depends on the individual and if you have such a condition then your healthcare provider will know what’s best!
I was also recommended atleast 18 months between pregnancies because of C-section.
I know numerous families with big age gaps and many with small. [name_m]Just[/name_m] do what is best for you and your family.
I wanted my children close together. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I discussed one then another 2 years later. Then I became pregnant with spontaneous twins so 2 years ended up being 1 minute age difference. We are still debating if we want any more or if my twins are my only.
I meant like i couldn’t find much articles saying the same and i wanted to know people’s experiences