I think what people are trying to say, or what I was trying to say anyway is that many of us had the same fears about what pregnancy would do to our bodies when we were the same age as you are now. Eventually, though the desire to have a child overode those fears and that this is what happens to most women. If it doesn’t happen to you then maybe having a biological child isn’t for you. It isn’t something you should do just to please someone else.
Yes, there are definite changes to the body. Everyone is different though. My advice is to not gain more then 25 pounds, try to stick around 20. Its hard to lose the weight after you have put it on. If your actually contemplating surrogacy for the vein reason of keeping your body in tact, well, my thought is that your too selfish to even have a child. If you want to adopt, I think its great and totally respect that, but using surrogacy because your vein about your looks, seems wrong. Surrogacy is meant for couples who cant concieve.
Thanks. I was just getting a little defensive since I think people misread what I was saying… I also really just want to hear other peoples experiences. I never intended to get targeted and told I was selfish and stuff. I just want to know the possibilities because everyone is different. I’m on other forums as well, sadly this one has been the rudest, but maybe I worded something wrong? Not sure… I did get some info though. Hopefully more people will be willing to tell me what happened to them instead of pointing out that I’m not ready for kids.
I’ve done google, but again I just wanted to hear from real life experiences 
Sometimes information is fishy like the bone breaking thing, which apparently I have discovered does happen, but it’s more often bruising and fractures, the bone actually breaking is not as common. It’s still scary and is on my negatives list of giving birth.
I would love to adopt and I know I won’t regret it, but a relationship is about compromise and my fiance’ really wants “one of our own”, so I’m trying to open minded and am starting to consider it, it’s not that I don’t want a kid, I do, it’s just the pregnancy part I don’t want. I don’t want the sickness, aches, pains, mood swings. I guess apparently that’s considered wrong on here…
Surrogacy is only an option because my fiance’ wants “one of our own” which I personally don’t understand. I think adopting a child would still make her or him part of our family. Blood doesn’t make you family. I know it’s a “man” thing though so that’s why surrogacy is an option.
You are aware that if you do use a surrogate, you’re going to have to undergo hormone therapy, right? Including using the pill to regulate your cycle. They can’t just harvest eggs out of you straight away. It’s a process that takes months, which is why it’s really only used by people who can’t actually get pregnant or carry a pregnancy full term.
I am doing the NFP method. You don’t need to do pills if you keep a track of your cycle, which I have been doing for almost a year now. By the time we plan on having a child, I should have sufficient amount of data and many don’t require pills if you are keeping track on your own.
I am all for adoption, and I think that if you want to give a child a good and loving home because that is what you genuinely want, then great for you. But if you want to do it simply to avoid the changes to your body that pregnancy brings, then I don’t believe you’re doing it for the right reasons. But as another poster said, you may get to a point where the biological urge outweighs any reservations you have.
I am sorry you feel defensive, but I am currently 35 weeks pregnant and did find your initial “fat” comment rather offensive and immature. You are young. (Yes, 21 is young.) Keep an open mind. Your feelings may yet change.
I admit that I only skimmed the earlier responses, but I feel you on the NB vibe as of late.
For the record, I don’t think you are selfish (at least not in the derogatory sense) for being apprehensive about pregnancy. [name]Jillian[/name] Michaels went through a mini-media frenzy over similar concerns, not wanting to lose the body she’s worked so hard for, etc. I don’t think anyone should need a reason to not want to reproduce biologically other than “I don’t want to.” It is your body, your choice, and you should take care of it as you see fit. The “but you’re creating a life” thing holds no salt with me, because that’s meaningful only if it’s meaningful to the person sacrificing their body for the cause. I am a huge proponent of people being encouraged to go with their gut on that one – this world hardly needs more babies just because “that’s what you do,” and people should be applauded, not shamed, for having the self-awareness to know what they do and don’t want on the reproduction front.
Of course, it sounds like you are unsure… or at least as a couple, you are unsure. I stand by the last point I made, which is that no one can prepare you for what pregnancy will or won’t do to YOUR body. [name]Just[/name] because a certain percentage of women break ribs doesn’t mean you will, and just because most women don’t get copious amounts of stretch marks doesn’t mean you won’t. You could avoid all the negative physical effects or you could be one of those unlucky few that seems to suffer from all of them. There are simply no guarantees… looking through lists of possible effects is really only useful as cannon fodder for the next discussion with your guy.
This is one of those “settle before you marry” issues. If your fiancé has a non-negotiable urge to reproduce biologically, you owe it to each other to hash out a compromise on this ahead of time. Not that you don’t already know that…
Feelin’ this as well.
Pregnancy can be beautiful. And 21 is young.
I’ve been reading this thread all afternoon, and I think people have been a tad harsh… But they’re responding to the things you’ve said that have probably (unintentionally) offended them. Many of the women on this site are pregnant, or just recovering from giving birth and they don’t like being called “gross” or “fat.” You’re entitled to your opinion, but I think you could have worded it a bit better. And several times you mentioned that you like your body and bust size the way it is, and you don’t want people to see you during a time when it changes, and it’s a little presumtual to say that you have body issues, but it comes off that way. And it’s fine not to like the negative parts of pregnancy- at sixteen the sickness, aches, pains, and mood swings certainly isn’t appealing. But it’s not a curse. I’d talk to your fiance about these worries and fears. Maybe he’d be open to compramise on these things as well.
A lot of what you said has been misunderstood, and the real issue has been miscommunication. I think the topic has gotten a tad off track.
Now, as I’ve never been pregnant I can’t help you out, but I think that the outcome is worth the negative things that happen during the process.
- [name]Athena[/name]
Exactly which is why I’m doing research now despite being young I know I have time, but I don’t want it to be too late and then we’re married and I put my foot down and decide I want to adopt and he doesn’t. He’s been avoiding the issue saying with have time, but then it might be too late! I’m looking more so for negatives to show him it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. If I go the pregnancy route it would be more for him and I know I won’t be totally against it since I’ll have a child either way, it just means suffering the pregnancy and the symptoms that come with it. I’d probably also adopt later since that’s what I really want to do.
I’m defiantly forcing him to talk about it more since our wedding is less than 2 months away! But he keeps dismissing it, so I’m just going to keep on trying! Eventually he’ll crack and I know we love each other so I’m sure we’ll come up with some sort of agreement.
@lyricmom: Sorry if I offended you. I was just being honest on how I feel. I know it’s mean and I would never tell a pregnant person she’s fat, but it’s just what I think and I can’t help it.
Yeah, I guess I could have worded it differently although I’m not sure what a nicer word for “Fat” would be… I never meant to offend anyone. It’s just how I feel and I’m sorry for that but I can’t help it.
[name]Hi[/name] [name]Diana[/name]/Catloverd,
I just wanted to answer a couple of your questions:
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I’ve never even heard of anyone having a broken rib from their baby’s kicking. A kicking baby doesn’t really hurt at all. I loved feeling my babies kick and move about, and it’s really amazing Like one of the other ppl that posted, I do miss it when I’m not pregnant.
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I experienced some light incontinence after I had my first baby, but within a few months, that went away. It is recommended that you do kegels throughout pregnancy as that helps to keep your pelvic floor strong. Some women don’t have this problem at all. I thought it might be worse after my second, since I’d had some minor issues with this after my first. …Nope. Perfectly fine, haven’t had any bladder problems at all!
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My vagina is most certainly not wrecked! I’ve grilled my husband for his honest opinion too, and he says if there is a change, it is very slight, since everything feels the same to him.
Regarding your specific views on pregnancy…I find them quite unfortunate. Pregnancy is an amazing experience, and the morning sickness, and aching hips, stretch marks, etc. are worth it to know that you brought this little person to life. Maybe it’s just your age, maybe it’s a little bit of inexperience, but your views on pregnancy seems incredibly strange for anyone who actually wants to be a mother. Who told you you had bad skin, and metal allergies because you mom was 31 when she had you? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard!!
I know it’s odd, but it’s just how I feel and I have friends that feel the same way so I know I’m not alone… I guess it stand out on here since a lot of people are pregnant and plan to get pregnant…
The doctor told my mom since she was “older” that you risk having health issues with children. I was also born underweight, which means I have a weak immune system (I get sick at least twice if not more a year). My younger sister also has some skin reactions, but not as bad as mine. She was 7 pounds though, a healthy weight.
I know it’s not always true, but I would like to have a child before I’m 30 since I have better chances for a healthy child.
Thanks for the info
As a currently fat, pregnant person,who also happens to be over 30, ruining my body carrying my 2nd poor, sickly child, I’m torn between insulted and amused. It helps that you come across as being very, very young. I’ll agree with the posters who commented that if you maintain your current opinion on pregnancy, perhaps it’s not for you. But, to answer some of your questions:
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I’m 5’2" gained 40+ lbs the first pregnancy. I had almost no stretch marks, and with a little work was probably fitter post pregnancy than pre-pregnancy. Losing the pregnancy weight was not really difficult with a little dedication. Being short is no guarantee that you’ll “ruin” your body.
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Breastfeeding isn’t any more likely to ruin your breasts than pregnancy by itself or just age for that matter. If things get saggy, invest in a good bra. I’m very pro-choice on how we feed our children as long as those decisions are coming with a good understanding of the pros and cons of each decision. Not wanting saggy boobs is not a reasonable reason not to breastfeed. Maybe spend some of your research time looking into breastfeeding and success rates, and the common causes of success and failure. Your mother’s failure to breastfeed has very limited standing on your likely success rate.
3)Broken bones, etc. - This is not a common pregnancy occurance. I’m sure it’s happened, but you know what, if you go looking for the worst case scenerios you’ll find them. Your friend is not doing you any favours. [name]Do[/name] your own research and ignore the fear mongering.
- Other physical changes - my hips are probably a bit wider - this actually works for me, as it gives me a few curves, instead of being straight up and down. My pelvic floor and bladder control are as good as ever. If you want to avoid incontinence, do lots of squats. DH has no complaints about any vaginal changes. It’s not like the tissue stretches out and just stays there. It’s meant to stretch and return to essentially it’s previous shape. Really, the only permanent physical change that bothers me at all is that my feet are a half size bigger. I bought a couple pairs of really awesome boots just before getting pregnant, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to wear them.
That’s about all I’ve got for you. Although, I will say, even if pregnancy had left me a saggy, oozing mess, it would be worth it. You may decide differently and if so, I hope you are at peace with whatever decision you come to.
I can understand where you’re coming from on certain issues. I absolutely did not want a vaginal delivery because I find them “gross and unappealing” and it was just not for me. I also feared losing “tightness” if you know what I mean… :rolleyes: I opted for an elective C-section (and believe me, I fought hard for it) and I did not breastfeed partly for fearing saggy breasts and also because I find the idea of breastfeeding unnerving. I got so much flack for my choices when I was pregnant, by pretty much every woman I met. I also live in a very earthy, Hippy town so every OB-GYN here is majorly pro-breastfeeding and natural birthing. I agree with you that fearing body changes is a totally legit reason to fear pregnancy, it won’t make you a bad parent, and it won’t give your kid a complex (unless you are unnaturally obsessed with weight, like my mother…) I do think you are coming at the “fat” issue of pregnancy from a very juvenile stand point though, if you are not already overweight when you become pregnant, you just look like a pregnant woman, not a fat woman. [name]Even[/name] dense men can figure that one out. Pregnancy can be a very sexy time of your life, you feel empowered and all the hormones and extra blood flow in the body can cause amazing changes. I felt very attractive and sexual during pregnancy.
Let’s face facts here though, you are 21 and engaged. I know the idea of babies is so appealing to a young couple that love each other because I was there just 4 years ago. I am 25 now and I have a 10 month old, and she is everything to us, but sometimes I have twinges of animosity towards my friends who are still child free and able to go out all the time, take vacations, sleep until noon on a [name]Sunday[/name]…etc. When you have a child, be 100% sure you are ready. They totally encompass your life, everything about it. You cannot be selfish anymore, ever. Take some time to enjoy being young and worry free and in love. Be spontaneous. And then reevaluate the baby issue in a year or two. Of course, that’s just my two cents and you don’t have to listen to a word of it if you don’t want to.
Oh and by the way, my mother was 37 when she had me and I was slightly underweight because she was a smoker. I have no allergies, don’t get sick hardly ever, and I am totally healthy. 31 is not old to have a baby, it is a very normal age to start having children. I wish my mom would have been a few years younger only because we would be closer in age. I had a baby young because I wanted to be a young mother, so I would have more time with my kids as adults so I can understand that. But I don’t understand the health issues, unless we are talking 40+ because then there is a higher risk of down syndrome and other genetic abnormalities.
I think you need to realize just how expensive and difficult adoption or surrogacy is. Yes, it sounds good in theory but most adoption agencies go over couples with a fine tooth comb. You have to make enough money, have a consistent career but you can’t work too much, own your home, have strong ties to your community and many character references, can’t have ANY criminal offenses, sometimes you have to be active in a religion/have strong religious beliefs… they will literally analyze every aspect of your lives. And how hard it is to get a baby, you will most likely end up with a toddler or older child because all the babies get snatched up quickly because just like going to the humane society, everyone wants the cute puppy but no one is willing to take the 2 year old dog. Surrogacy is upwards of $50 grand, and if you have the money then that is your choice and right. But as someone mentioned before, you do have to take hormones and injections at first to increase your egg production.
We wanted to adopt as well, but adoption agencies wouldn’t even consider giving us a child because we don’t make enough money and we are not religious in any way, shape, or form.
Raising a child is about making sacrifices. It’s not a bed of roses - it’s filled with frustration, disappointment, anger, hurt, and a whole lot of other emotions. The upside? It can be totally fulfilling and rewarding.
Rewind.
It starts with pregnancy. Sacrificing your “perfect” body to give life to your child is the small first of thousands of sacrifices you’ll make along the way. Some changes will be permanent, some things can go back to the way they were.
Ergo.
If you can’t comprehend the small sacrifice of body changes, in comparison to how many sacrifices you’ll have to make once you have a child in your lives… it’s not time for you to have a baby. I find it appalling that’d you’d use the excuse of wanting to keep your body (which - newsflash - will eventually age and become “gross” like all those pregnant women you’re referring to) as a reason to adopt. My many friends who have agonizingly tried to get pregnant for years, and are currently going through long and tedious adoption processes would slap you in the face if they met you.
For the record, as a soon to be Mama who has dreamed about this incredibly special moment my entire life, I’d slap you too if you called me “gross” and “fat”. [name]Shame[/name] on you. It’s one thing to think those things, but then to come on a forum which is dedicated for pregnant women and already-momma’s and say it is just atrocious.
babeinthewoods - you are awesome, coming from another gross fat pregnant person who is also too amused by post to be actually offended.
catloverd - my hips ache every morning and my skin was terrible for months. This baby is constantly playing in my right ribs which is annoying. I am having trouble sleeping already at 6 months but have found that my pillow nest I fashioned really helps. I have mild heartburn at least once a day and I feel like I have to pee ALL OF THE TIME. We will just have to see about bladder, vaginal health and hemorrhoids, stretch marks and saggy boobs after it is all said and done. I have quite a few sexy mommy friends, however, so I know its not all down hill from here. Bottom line, what everyone seems to be trying to get across to you is that these things aren’t pleasant but if you are concerned about them to the extent that it makes you not want to get pregnant, then don’t. It will not be worth it for you. As mamamaassy said, these sacrifices are only the beginning of many yet to come and it makes people on the forum apprehensive about your ability to put this child completely first in your life with all the other life decisions you will have to make for it. This, I believe is the reason for some of the harsh comments. I wish you well with your decision. Certainly there is no harm in waiting even 5 years to make up your mind. I was 21 once as well and do remember being appalled at the thought of ruining my nice abs and perky chest, however, I always did think most pregnant women looked beautiful. [name]Do[/name] try to come to an agreement before your marriage as to possibly never having biological children - its not one of those things best swept under the carpet until a later time.
Take care, and certainly do not rush into any decisions. Being young and carefree with the person you love is such a meaningful and fun time. Once you are a parent, you are a parent forever- even when they are 25.