Okay, I need an adult opinion.
My SO & I have been together 2 & 1/2 years. We got carried away one night and decided to get “engaged” when were 16 & 15. We didn’t tell anyone because they would flip and it was more like a promise that we’d get engaged but at the time it was the same thing to us. Now at 18 & 17 we’re almost done with high school and I’m going to college and he’s going to the Marines. My parents have made it clear that they don’t want us to stay together after graduation in [name]May[/name]. They’ve been clear on it for about a year, and I played along. Now its getting closer and closer to that expiration date and I don’t want to break up with him. I want to be with him and we want to get married. I just don’t know how/when to tell them. They think if we stay together we’re ruining our lives and we’re doomed to be unhappy.
I got mad and told them I was breaking up with my SO to make them happy after the told me I was a horrible daughter. They said we’d discuss it later. I chickened out and told them not to worry I was still leaving him after graduation.
My SO knows what they expect and plays along but he really wants me to tell them we’re not.
What is your opinion?
Well, I went through the exact same situation but with his family. They hated me for particular reason. We dated since we were 13 and when we were 16, we got engaged. That’s when they started hating me. They called me all sort of awful names (things I can’t repeat on nameberry) and banned us from seeing each other. We found ways. When he turned 18, they told him he better break up with me and do as they say or else. When he refused, they kicked him out of the house. He came to live with me, and we got married.
For you, the only thing I can tell you is that hopefully, your parents won’t kick you out. I’m sure they love you more than that. The only thing to do is either A) Sit down with them and say “Mom, Dad, I love X and we’re planning on continuing our relationship after graduation. We may even get married one day. I know you don’t approve, but maybe one day you’ll grow to care for him as much as I do.” or something along those lines. You know your parents better than myself.
or B) [name]Don[/name]'t tell them until you move out into your college dorm or whatever, but that would lead to a lot of hurt feelings and resentment.
That’s all I can do to help but i hope it all works out for you.
Blessed be.
I’m glad everything worked out for you guys.
My parents have said that if I stay with him they won’t help with college and they’d write me out of their will. Not because they don’t like [name]Martin[/name], they like him much more than any other guy I’ve dated, but because they have a bad marriage and they started dating in high school, therefore all high school relationships are doomed.
I don’t think they’d kick me out but they definitely wouldn’t let me see him or his family, which wouldn’t be fair to his youngest siblings at all since the youngest three can’t really remember me not being around. My cousin’s advice is to play along for a year or so and then tell them. Her logic being that if we were careful with money we could live off [name]Martin[/name]'s military pay while I finished school if I didn’t mind transferring schools.
Im sorry you’re having such a hard time.
If I’d gotten engaged to my high school boyfriend, my parents certainly would have kicked me out of the house. That said, I married my college boyfriend at 22 after dating for 4 years and they were 100% supportive.
For me, getting married at 18 would have been a terrible decision, but I’m also sure it’s different in every situation, I don’t abide by general rules about age. I just think you need to really be sure that being married is what you want…especially if it means strained relationships with your family. I guess my #1 question is if their hesitation is over the fact that you are soo young or something to do with this particular pairing.
Is staying together but not getting married right away an option? I understand that your fiancé going into the marines plays into this…in mindset or in wanting to have military spouse benefits, the logistics do come into play. [name]Just[/name] wondering if its all or nothing.
That’s horrible of them. I’m going through a similar situation right now being pregnant but living on my grandparents land. they are kicking me off, but I have supportive family.
We dated from the time we were 13 to 16 before getting engaged, and married at 18 so we had dated 5 years before we were married and I got a lot of “[name]Don[/name]'t marry your high school sweetheart, it’ll be bad.” But we’ve been married 3 years and are having our first baby.
I think you could definitely live off his military pay. It’s pretty good pay and benefits, but it will certainly be tough on your parents because the longer you hide it, the more upset they’re likely to be. They’ll feel betrayed and lied to, this coming from my own experiences in this aspect.
I would also find out if they’d be willing to let you continue to be together if you agree to not get married for a while. That might smooth things over a bit.
Ultimately, it is your decision what you do though.
We’ve talked about it and figured we’d wait a few years before getting married. Probably when we were both around 20. They’re not mad about the pairing at all. They just think all high school relationships are doomed because theirs is unhappy. They’ve said multiple times that we have no idea what we really want in a relationship and don’t really know what a relationship is because we’re young. By graduation we’ll be together 3 years and we’ll have been together 5 if we get married around 20. My dad’s favorite argument is that we don’t know what we’ll be like in 15 years and we’ll regret our choice if we ever act different than we do now.
By my logic if I wait 15 years to get married I’d have to wait another 15 years because I don’t know what we’ll be like then.
lol That was everyone’s argument with us as well. “You don’t know what you’ll be like after college.” “You don’t know what you’ll want in 10 years” etc, but I believe that with love and patience, you grow together. We’re different people than we were at 18, but we became different people together. We grew together.
Thank you! Nobody seems to see my point with that argument. And we’ve grown up a lot since we first met (but we were 11 then). But he’s definitely helped me grow as a person and to hear him tell it I’m the reason he does everything, including the actual motivation to go to the Marines ( I call bull because he’s been saying he wants to be a [name]Marine[/name] for 6+ years, but I won’t tell him that. Lol.) If you really love someone you can make it work. And the people/person you live with definitely shapes how you act sometimes.
My husband says the same thing. He says I’m the only reason he graduated, I’m the only reason he went to college, I’m the only reason he’s motivated to start his own business, to follow his dreams. I definitely understand.
Whether you tell them and live with their horrible responses (and hopefully in time they’d see the error of their ways) or wait like your cousin says, you and [name]Martin[/name] will still have each other for support and as long as you have him to lean on, it’ll all work out.
Maybe your parents are just afraid that you’re missing out on life. I know a couple who faced a similar situation and they struck a deal with their parents. They promised that for six months to a year (I can’t remember exactly) they would date other people as well as their SO. And after that time, if they still chose to get married, their parents promised that they would be supportive and give their blessing for the marriage. I know that when you’re in love dating others isn’t something you’re really interested in, but they figured that it was worth it to have their families blessing and still get to marry the one they loved.
Maybe something similar would work for you. Find out exactly what your parents objections are the to relationship, then work through them together. Communication is what’s important.
Thanks for the advice [name]Alexa[/name]!
I’ve mentioned that and my parents didn’t agree but they didn’t disagree to it (but I said to continue dating). [name]Martin[/name] refuses, 100% won’t do it. So that’s out.
I talked to my parents very very briefly a bit ago to see if they would budge. My mom accused me of giving up my life for a guy and my dad told me I knew the consequences. So I’m still playing their silly little game.
First off, it is their money and it’s not a law for a parent to have to pay for their “kid” (you’re 18, so you’re adult]) to go to school. I think if you want the education and don’t want to end up on the street, you’ll have to play by their rules. Lying to them would just be horrible because it’s like you stole their money and played by your own rules.
If you want to be together, you have to make the sacrifice of the money and either find a job, get scholarships, or get a loan in order to pay for college. It would be the adult thing to do. To lie about it and use their money would be disrespectful and childish.
I think you have to compromise and just wait. That way you can be with him and still go to college without financial stress. I got engaged at 19, but didn’t get married till this year at age 21. I waited to graduate from college (I graduated early, in 3 years, thanks to my AP classes). It wasn’t hard at all for me to wait. I loved him and we were very committed to each other. We lived together for 2 years before we got married. We were basically married, just it wasn’t “official”
So to me age isn’t a matter, since I was considered young, but I went about it responsibly, like an adult, which I think you need to. I took into account what my parents wanted since they paid for my education. Not very many parents do this, I know tons of students who relied on loans, even my husband had loans! To have your parents help pay is a huge blessing and you should be thankful of it and not take it for granted! So I believe you need to find a compromise, be it holding off the engagement/wedding or just not accepting their money. To take it and lie would only lead to hurt feelings, regret, and you’ll come off as a child rather than a mature adult.
My parents weren’t exactly thrilled with us living together, but I had the ring and it was cheaper than a dorm. They compromised since my loving husband (who is 3 years older than me) was working full time as a programmer and could support me on his own, so in the end, I paid for groceries with money from my job and he paid rent. My parents paid for my education, and that’s it. He supported me even without being “married” and when I no longer could work (due to graduating since it was a campus job) he took over paying everything because that’s what he would do anyway if we were married.
Anyway, you need don’t the license to prove you are married, so I think I would make the compromise of waiting to make the “commitment” (officially, like with a ring), and say you want to continue dating, but you definitely don’t plan on anything serious till later. They just want you to be sure about your decision. Plus, not sure why anyone wants to get married before college, to me it would have been way to stressful. I’m glad I waited till afterwards.
Again this is just my opinion based on my experience. You can take it or leave it, but I do think the adult and mature thing to do is to make a decision or make a compromise.
I always root for couples that have been together since teenagers, because it is very sweet… but in reality, it very rarely works out. You usually end up resenting one another and being bitter about losing your young adulthood. When I was 15, I was in [name]LOVE[/name] with my boyfriend at the time…it really was love. But as I got older, we started drifting apart. If we didn’t break up, I would have never experienced sharing an apartment with my best friend, parties, dating, meeting my husband who is the perfect person for me. Your life changes so much between the ages of 16-25, think about what you want in the next 5 years. Good luck, but know the odds are against you.
Agree with catloverd: if you want to prove you’re an adult and can make your own decisions, you can’t be deceptive and childish. Taking their money and “playing along” is disrespectful and wrong.
You don’t have to share all the details here, but think hard if there are any specific objections to [name]Martin[/name] rather than simply your age. Think hard, as best you can, if your parents’ criticisms have some merit. If they do, is there anything you can do to work on the issues?
Thirdly-- if it is true love, and if it is meant to be, it will survive the distance (when [name]Martin[/name] goes off to basic, and receives his first assignment/deployment). It will survive a few years, while you pursue your education and training (which you need to be competitive in the modern world-- a high school diploma with no further qualifications is an economic death sentence). And if it’s not true love, if you grow apart because of different experiences, meeting different people, etc, well, then it was for the best.
Lastly: I agree with dantea. When you marry at an older age (I was 30), you’ve lived a great deal of life. Your opinions, routines, friendships, lifestyles, etc have all been decided. On the one hand it’s great that you had all that time to ‘discover yourself,’ but it makes it a lot harder to partner up with someone because they, too, have become similarly calcified. When you marry young you go through life together, and grow together, and although you might miss out on a few things, in a way it’s much easier.
Thanks for the honest opinions. [name]One[/name] of biggest issues is that they did essentially the same thing they’re telling me not to. [name]Hence[/name] why I’m acting childish, and I realize that it is childish. They’re being hypocritical and when you’ve been told most of your life hypocrisy is one of the biggest no-nos ever, it becomes very frustrating. I also realize they don’t have to pay for my college. And I’m extremely grateful that they’ve offered to help pay. However they’re conditions for helping seem rude and again, hypocritical. My paternal grandmother helped my dad pay for his schooling despite his refusal to leave my mother.
My parents have no objection to [name]Martin[/name]. They’re the ones who told me to date him in the first place when I was convinced that it was awkward to date him at all.
[name]Blade[/name]: I know college is a must. I’m actually going to be getting my associate’s degree over the summer so I have at least a small amount of it done. From there I’m hoping to get my bachelor’s degree in 3 years since I’m changing majors (much to my parents’ frustration). I’ve seen just about.everything marriage-wise because my family doesn’t have the best track record with finding lasting relationships. Most family members have had 2-3 marriages a piece. I don’t want to be like them. But I think that it would be easier to develop those little quirks as you get older with someone rather than throwing two very stubborn people who are set in their ways together when they’re older.
Thanks again for all the honest opinions.
Yeah, it’s hard when parents act hypocritical. But they are for a reason, after all you just said you don’t want to go through 2-3 divorces like the rest of your family. The reason that happens is often because you are young and you grow and change.
If you married him now, he won’t be the same person in 10 years. If you married him 5 years from now, he also won’t be the same person he was 10 years later. Everyone changes over time. That’s why so many divorces happen, it’s because they can’t accept the change. Marriage to me is a huge commitment and once you make it, you don’t just “divorce” when things fall apart, you work at it. You make it work and you stick with it. This is why I’m a huge of fan of couples going to counseling sessions before getting married to make sure this is what they want. You’ll be surprised what you don’t know about the other person.
I think they are just concerned that you will end up having a divorce later on based on what they experienced or have seen. My parents only dated for about 3 months before getting married, but they were in their 30’s and they used that as their excuse, lol! But I personally could never just marry someone I knew for 3 months and they also wouldn’t approve of such a short romance. Sometimes things work out, but not for everyone, it all depends on your personalities. So even though it’s hypocritical, your parents are probably just learning from their mistakes (regrets) and don’t want you to make the same or they realize they had a special case and want you to realize that it’s not the same for everyone. Overall, I think they have good intentions.
I hope you and your parents can work something out. I think sitting down and then talking about it helps, but try to present your case with maturity. [name]Don[/name]'t bring up what they did, it shows your using them as an excuse. Focus on you and your relationship. Tell them how serious you are. That you do plain to wait to get married, but want to be engaged. Nothing wrong with a long engagement, we had a 2 year engagement. Try very hard not get upset and work out a compromise. The more adult you appear, I think the more your parents will give in. To them you’re probably still their little baby, so it’s going to be hard for them to just let you grow up. Maybe bringing that up will make them more willing to compromise. “I know I’m your little girl, and always will be, but…” for example.
[name]Hope[/name] that helps.
For starters, don’t lie to your parents about your plans. It’ll only make you look more like a “child”. If you want them to take you seriously, stand up to them (in a respectable way). They have no say in who you date. If they are calling you a bad daughter for dating this boy that is really sad. I don’t know you, your boyfriend or situation but no one should ever be told they are a bad daughter, I am sorry you had to hear that. Whatever you do just make sure you are not staying with him out of spite. Sometimes when we fight so long for what we want, we sort of lose sight and the reason why we want to be with them is because we “cant”.
I’ll be extremely honest on this next part. You are both graduating, things are going to change for both of you BIG time. Chances are, regardless of how much you love each other you will grow apart and find your own ways. It is only natural. I had a high school sweetheart, we were unofficially engaged (I had a promise ring which stated he was saving for something bigger and better) and had already planned what year we’d marry and then have kids. Our plans were to finish college, buy our home and so on with the rest. After my last year of college we were both getting settled into our careers and buying a house then it all became very real. We weren’t meant to settle down together. We spent 5 years together, lived together at my parents, travelled together, had shared bank accounts, family phone contract, a cat, it was serious but we still managed to grow apart while being together the whole time. We had a fine relationship, we talked about all the changes and we thought we were doing it but neither of us realized we were fooling each other. We had support from both families, I went overseas to Europe to meet the rest of his and everything. When the relationship ended I was crushed. He was the one to see it before I was, but as hard as it was am I ever glad he did. I learned so much about myself and what I wanted through it. Yes, I missed out on a lot by being with him but if it weren’t for those mistakes I made with myself and all that time spent, I wouldn’t have met the real man of my dreams 3 years later. My ex and I were perfect together as HS sweethearts, it just didn’t transcend into adult life as well.
I am NOT saying it won’t work out between you and your bf. I am just saying a lot can happen. [name]Don[/name]'t try to convince yourself that because you made that promise at 15 you will still want it at 25. We all change. Stay true to who you are. If without that promise this boy turns into the man you want to be with forever then you’ll know you never needed that promise in the first place, because there was never another option. Regardless of what your parents say you will be an adult soon and can make your own choices. They best thing you can do is be honest with them, with yourself and be RESPONSIBLE. Good luck.
Thanks.
At this point in time I’m sure that this is what I want. But in 3 years things may change and its not what I want or what he wants anymore. And we’ll work at it until then. We figured that by the time we would be getting married he’ll have been enlisted for 2 years, hopefully enough to decide if the possibility/probability of the distance changes things for us.
[name]Martin[/name] and I talked after I talked to my parents and he asked me not to mention our relationship to my parents until he’s out of basic training. He wants to be there so nothing goes horribly wrong which with my parents is extremely possible. In reality I’ll probably mention that [name]Martin[/name] & I want to talk to them a day or two before we actually try to tell them what we want to get officially engaged ([name]Martin[/name] wants my dad’s permission), I want to try to talk to them then but I’m nit going to hold my breath.
The best advice I can give you: don’t lie to your parents. Lying is a bad idea. It makes you seem childish and irresponsible. I can tell you from experience (my fiance is in the military), that even if you are together, basic training will be a “break” for your relationship. It’s an incredibly taxing time for him and you will have limited contact with him. I am not saying you won’t survive it. I am not saying you won’t end up together. I am saying that THEY change a lot after joining the military. It won’t help him either if he has this stressful situation back home.
The reality is, relationships are hard, no matter how old you are. I do have to say I think they are harder when you are as young as you are, and even harder if money becomes an issue (as it might, if you don’t go to college— jobs are limited for people with only a high school diploma— jobs are limited for people WITH college degrees). [name]Even[/name] if they are being hypocritical, maybe your parents are trying to protect you from suffering— even with the perfect guy, life issues put a strain on any relationship.
This response is rambling all over the place, but what I am trying to say is this: don’t lie to your parents to stay with your boyfriend. If you truly want to stay with him (which I think you do), own up to it, even if it means your parents kick you out. Marriage is an adult step, and you have to be prepared to accept adult consequences.
You should be with him if you love him. Your parents don’t dictate your life and you can’t argue with love. [name]IMO[/name] it would be stupid to break up with him just because your parents don’t approve. They will eventually except him. 