I am having difficulty setting boundaries with my mom and her partner when it pertains to my kid. They both love and dote on my daughter with love and attention which is always appreciated, but my mom’s partner [name_u]Dana[/name_u] constantly disregards rules that I set for my kid. When I say things like, I don’t want my kid to watch TV because I busy earlier in the day and she had already watched her allotted amount, [name_u]Dana[/name_u] replies that it is her house and she wants to put on cartoons for my kid she will. When I told her that I want her to buy my daughter less presents for [name_u]Christmas[/name_u], because she doesn’t buy as many for my brother’s daughter and it makes me feel awkward to have clear favoritism shown to one kid over the other, she says that she’s gonna buy whatever she wants with her money. Everytime I go to her house, she always offers sweets without checking with me, and I have told her that I try to keep sweets to a minimum. I have tried talking to my mom about this, but my mom has said she doesn’t want to get in the middle (which is fair) and she has no control over what [name_u]Dana[/name_u] does. [name_u]Dana[/name_u] is the breadwinner in their relationship, so my mom doesn’t feel like she has as much say. She has also pointed out that there are worse things than someone wanting to spoil your kid with treats and TV. I had been avoided taking my kid to my mom’s for several months because I don’t want to deal with [name_u]Dana[/name_u] constantly undermining my parenting. But I recently decided to take her to my mom’s pool because my aunt was in from out of town and my other aunts, cousin, and sister were all going there, and I wanted to see everyone. We were there for several hours, and [name_u]Dana[/name_u] paid a lot of attention to my kid and played with her in the pool which was nice and allowed me to have some adult conversation. I did have to hop out the pool several times to take my kid to the bathroom cuz she is potty training but other than that, my other relatives took turns making her a plate of food and paying attention to her. I saw nothing wrong with that since they don’t get to see her often. And I was glad for the break. My kid had said she was hungry again and my niece offered to make her a plate. Sandwhich and chips. A few minutes later, my kid said she needed to go potty. We went inside and on our way out I saw that there was strawberry shortcake. I made one for each of us, but when I got back to the table, I realized that my kid had only eaten her chips and not her Sandwich. I told my kid that she could have her cake after she ate her sandwich. She said she was not hungry, so I said that if she is too full for a sandwich then she is too full for cake. [name_u]Dana[/name_u], of course, argued with me saying that I was being to strict. I held my ground, so [name_u]Dana[/name_u] sat down next to my kid and started eating her sandwich. I told her that if my kid doesn’t eat her own sandwich, she isn’t getting a dessert. My mom jumped in and said I was being too strict and I should make an exception cuz it was a “party”. I said between friends and family we are at some kind of party at least once or twice a week, and my kid needs consistency with rules. If mommy says something, she sticks to it. I told my mom (privately) given the history that she knows that I have with [name_u]Dana[/name_u], I didn’t like being put on the spot with all my relatives. And that I don’t like when people argue with me about what I need to do with my kid. It was thrown in my face that everyone else “took care” of my kid that day, so I should let them spoil her. I didn’t call my mom for several days after but ultimately resolved that I would not pursue the issue further. My mom came over about a week later and wanted to show me a bag of clothes that [name_u]Dana[/name_u] bought for my kid. I told her that I don’t want the clothes if it means that [name_u]Dana[/name_u] can just undermine me as a parent whenever she wants. We ended up in a big fight. I told my mom that if this behavior continues, I won’t bring my kid to her house anymore. My mom told me that I was being ungrateful since [name_u]Dana[/name_u] is very good with my kid. She also said that if I kept my kid from [name_u]Dana[/name_u] it would hurt my mom’s relationship with [name_u]Dana[/name_u]. Then informed me that all the other relatives thought I overreacted and should have just let her have the dessert. I told her that my husband agreed that [name_u]Dana[/name_u]'s behavior was wrong and she should listen to my rules for my kid. She kept trying to change the subject and I kept pressing the issue bc I wanted my mom to agree to not side with [name_u]Dana[/name_u] against me. I got somewhat emotional (I am 9 months pregnant and somewhat hormonal) my mom likewise got upset, so she left. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t want to be in big fight with my mom cuz I want her to share in the joy of my new daughter’s birth, but I also feel like if I cave now it will keep happening. I want my rules to be respected but I don’t want it to cost me my relationship with my mom. [name_m]How[/name_m] should I proceed?
([name_m]Just[/name_m] bumping the topic after moving it, I think you’ll get a better response in Momberries)
Well I don’t really have any advise for you, but I do support you.
You are the parent and have the right to set rules and boundaries for your child.
I would sit down with [name_u]Dana[/name_u] one-on-one. Maybe your husband can stay with your daughter while you have a discussion with her. Explain that you are the mother, and that you don’t appreciate her undermining your authority. And, quite frankly, put an ultimatum down that if her behavior doesn’t change that you’ll stop bringing the kids over.
I came across this article that might help in dealing with grandparent relationships
You are the mom. You and your husband make the decisions for your child, end of story, no questions asked.
If they cannot respect your boundaries than you do not go around them. Your child does not need to be around anyone that does not respect your (you and DH) rules for your kid.
[name_f]Do[/name_f] not accept any gifts from your mom
and [name_u]Dana[/name_u] as they are using it as a way to be entitled to do with your daughter as they see fit.
I suggest lurking on DWIL Nation on BabyCenter or All in the Family on BabyCenter. Both are forums for dealing with family, in laws or family of origin, and how to set boundaries for your nuclear family. (you, dh and child/ren)
Be warned, those men and women, are very up front/blunt and will tell you like it is, so don’t post without reading the rules and lurking for sure.
Good luck!
I’m going to give you some food for thought in the hope that it helps.
You are a first time mum with specific ideas and goals for your child which is commendable BUT other caregivers might not be able or willing to abide by all your rules…
Are these things affecting your child’s health?
Would it be ok to let your child have different rules at [name_u]Dana[/name_u]’s house?
As long as your child is with you and in your environment predominantly they will still know that your rules are the norm.
It isn’t fair to let your child have their allotted screen time or treats for the day before taking them to someone else’s house - most grandparents see this as a treat and want to do fun things that could include a film or sweets. You are also benefiting from their support in taking care of your child. Either you go there with screen and treat quotas in tact or I would suggest relaxed quotas when in other people’s houses ( as long at that generally falls under 50% of total time in a week)
Pick your battles mama- have a think about when you need to put your foot down and really when you can back off to let others teach some socially acceptable rules. I. E if your daughter had already been eating food prepared by other relatives at the pool party maybe she wasn’t very hungry for the sandwich and chips- she could pick at the chips but didn’t really want to start on a sandwich- this could be that she has learnt good manners from you to notice when she is full or not start something she isn’t going to finish. If you don’t know what else exactly she has eaten it’s hard to enforce rules about food, plus I hate to say it but food is one of the biggest battles with children and the one you will usually loose!
You are her mum and you can control a lot of her interactions but remember that having a re-think sometimes isn’t backing down but sometimes sticking to your guns rigidly will sometimes backfire.
Good luck
I know my LO watches more TV with my FIL than I’d like. But honestly, she watches more with me than I’d like… lol. In his case I can gauge that he watches her 2x a week for about 3hrs. He tries to get her to do other things but is physically limited - with a prosthetic leg - and can’t go with her to the playground etc because he can’t run after her if she runs into the street. But, I am also grateful to have him watch her when I go to work and not having to hire someone and she has a great relationship with him!
I think I’d sit down with your Mom and [name_u]Dana[/name_u] and preferably your husband - so you aren’t alone. (Pref without your kid). I think it would be fair for you to tell them that you guys have certain rules for your kid/s and that you need them to be followed at other peoples houses as well. If they feel that they home owner makes the rules and you can’t agree upon modified rules at their house. Maybe [name_u]Dana[/name_u] and your mom can let her watch a little extra tv as a treat - or are allowed to give her a sweet etc – all things you can then plan on and adjust for at home; as long as they stay within the limits both parties agree to.
Otherwise they’d have to come to your house to spend time with her. Since at your house it would be your rules, not theirs.
Whatever you do I’d make sure to emphasize how much you and your kid love them, and that it’s important to you that they are in your lives and that you understand that it can’t just be your way or the highway but that you also need to feel that you can trust that they will not undermine the parenting progress you try to make all week.
I agree with @jensaowvlen. Maybe talk to your mother first, tell her that your going to talk to [name_u]Dana[/name_u]. I’ve had to tell my grandmother the same thing. It’s unfortunate, but if you don’t fix it now, it will never get better.