Sharing Names With Family Before Baby Arrives

Parentberries
21

With my first pregnancy it took a while for me and the husband to find a name we could both really get behind. After we did, we told everyone who asked that our little dude would be named [name]Holden[/name]; but until we did, we didn’t really seek outside consultation.

This time around, we’re having another boy, and it’s been a challenge to come up with something that 1) we like the sound of 2) is significant in some way beyond aesthetics 3) sounds decent with our hard-to-fit last name and 4) fits somehow with big bro’s name. In my desperation, I’ve tossed some ideas about with my family and some friends, and what I’ve found is that some people are terrible at this kind of thing and others are not. My wonderful friend [name]Leslie[/name], for example, was constructive and positive, and helped me talk through my anxieties, while another dear lifelong (albeit tactless) friend [name]Manila[/name] said, “No. You can’t,” when I shared with her the name that, in my heart, feels most right. I will not be consulting her again.

If you know your friends and family members, you can probably figure out which ones of them will be helpful and which will only add to your turmoil. So my advice would be to choose carefully:)

22

It’s really up to the parents whether they want to share or not, but I believe that what people say about a name can really influence the parents decision. Because of that I would suggest people don’t share their choices with anyone but their partner, or someone else they can trust.

I’m lucky enough that most of my family (extended included) aren’t the types that would shoot down a name just because they don’t like it. They’ll discuss names and give input but unless it’s completely absurd, they’re gonna back you up with whatever name you choose. I’ve had family members throw out hundreds of names for everyone to judge, and I’ve had some not say a word about names. They don’t really pry either, so that’s awesome.

The people I’d have to worry about are my friends. They are very vocal about name choices and most tend to love the trendy names, while I tend to like more traditional or “older” names. I’m not even pregnant and I’ve already had a friend say to me “You like the name [name]VIOLET[/name]? That’s such a victorian era stripper name!” So when I do actually end up pregnant I think the only 2 people I’ll discuss names with are my husband and my mom.

23

This is a topic very near and dear to my heart. We shared [name]Sebastian[/name]‘s name before he was born and got very negative feedback, after that, never again. Helps that we didn’t know the gender with 2 of the kids ahead of time, but even so, didn’t share what we were considering. I like keeping something a surprise especially if the gender is known plus its easier to “see what baby looks like” when choosing a name as grandma, friends, etc doesn’t get stuck on a name since it seems like "these days’ everyone picks out a name for baby before he/she is born.

24

Our eldest is named after my Grandma. We chose to tell everyone the name we had chosen because we didn’t want to announce the name and have everyone emotional because we had named her after their late wife, mum, etc. We wanted them to adjust to it ahead of time. We never had any negative comments about her name.

With our second I was selective about who I discussed names with, my husband, mum and sisters mainly. I also shared some names I liked but weren’t at the top of our list. I think everyone was surprised when we announce her name, even us since we changed our minds at the last minute!

This time I have talked names with my husband, mum and sisters again. They are always supportive, constructive and helpful. Plus they can keep a secret! We have decided not to make our final choice until we meet out little bundle though.

25

I told my family our name choices for all three of my children. I was pregnant with my first at the same time as my sister, so using family names I felt that it should be known. Also, my sister-in-law asked me if I minded her use of names because my children’s names were similar. I feel family is an important part of the inclusion.

26

I think for me it is fun and nice to share family names (whether first or middle) ahead of time because nobody can really argue with them. For example if you say her name is [name]Molly[/name] after my grandmother nobody can really say “ugh, [name]Molly[/name] sounds like a ______name”. Because its your grandmother’s name.

However I don’t see that it is useful to share names that are purely a matter of personal taste with people who have different taste. I made the mistake of telling my mother [name]Ramona[/name]'s name (I had always told lots of people that we were planning on using [name]Mae[/name] after my great-grandmother in the middle spot). She told the whole family, who tactfully (thank God), tried to talk me out of it from about [name]Christmas[/name] until [name]Ramona[/name] was born in late [name]March[/name]. Not useful, and it is annoying to have to explain over and over again why you don’t want to name your child [name]Emma[/name] or [name]Claire[/name] or whatever that person’s favorite is. You end up having to defend your own taste and find a way of tactfully putting down someone else’s for no reason.

Now we have already told people that if this baby is a boy his first name will be [name]Bruce[/name]. That is my husband’s dad’s name. He died when DH was 17 and my beloved still misses him terribly. He was a good and kind man and a loving father. Nobody else gets to imply that we shouldn’t name our son after him. So its easy. We can say “if its a boy it will be [name]Bruce[/name] after [name]Matt[/name]'s dad” and people keep their thoughts to themselves :).

27

We are pregnant with #1 but I’m hesistant to share our ideas with family for this main reason: I really really want to do all middle names after our parents (both sides) and DH seems to be on board. So we’ve been working with combos.
BUT, there’s a little bit of a tricky factor here: if we discuss all the possibilties that include honor names, there could be a slight sting when the picked name ends up being on one side or the other. Only because the suggestion has already been there beforehand that the honor name might come from your “own” side. Does that make sense? (BTW, our parents are all gracious and like each other, so it’s not a family rivalry issue. Just a natural human tendency, IMO.)

EG: our current top girl names are [name]Magnolia[/name] [name]Irene[/name] (mn is my mom) and [name]Anneliese[/name] [name]Deborah[/name] (mn is [name]MIL[/name]). If we mentioned this to anyone, the side we [name]DON[/name]'T go with might feel just a little bit hurt or disappointed once the choice is made. However, I feel like if it is a surprise, then everyone will be fine with it and excited, and probably will just guess or assume that “the next one” will be balanced.

(Yes, and I’m still working thru this, but this is the current idea: if the first is after my mom, the second has to be after his mom or dad, and vice versa. I feel like I’m making a bit of a concession with this, as I love my parents’ names and think they are easier to use as mns in general with first names we like. I don’t like the thought that if we only have one boy, say, I won’t get to use my dad’s name ever…but I think it would feel a little unfair to everyone if it was all tilted. Plus, I love my in-laws and do want to honor them. OTOH, you can argue that all the kids are getting their name b/c of the surname…!)

Or, for example, [name]Anneliese[/name] is a family name that would be really special to my mom if we used it…but I haven’t mentioned that to her because if DH doesn’t get on board 100% and we don’t use it, then I think some part of her would be sad that we didn’t, after the idea had been planted. You know? Even if she likes the name we end up choosing and wouldn’t have been sad otherwise.

Anyway, this is a lot of details about my particular situation, but there’s a general principle here: if you do discuss/announce names ahead of time that include honor names and family names, isn’t there a lot of potential for family members to be hurt when their names or the names of those closest to them end up NOT being chosen? Has anyone experienced this?

I also like the idea of waiting til after the birth to announce because 1) it seems more momentous and exciting. 2) I’m a somewhat indecisive person and can picture changing my mind in a few months. So it feels better just to have it between DH and I and mull over the name a bit. (But I do like getting some outside perspective, which is why nameberry is so helpful!) 3) I’m a bit old fashioned about wanting a surprise…still haven’t decided if we will also keep the gender a surprise, too.

28

I feel like everyone has an opinion, so I would probably keep it to just my husband and I. Maybe my mom, if she promises not to tell. I always go back and forth because I want people to like the name I choose. For instance, in a perfect world if my husband liked [name]Beatrix[/name] as much as I do, I would probably tell a few people to hear their opinions. Where I live, it’s a name that isn’t heard of and people consider it to be similar to [name]Beatrice[/name], which they see as an old lady name. I love them both but I would want to know what people think before I name my child something that people wont like. They will have to say her name for her whole life so if I choose something unique I want to make sure it’s usable. I wish I lived somewhere where [name]Beatrix[/name] was more common but literally nobody has heard of it here. Anway, my usable favorite, [name]Emilia[/name], I know is heard of/more popular so I would have no problem naming a girl that without asking for opinions. [name]Do[/name] you know what I mean?

29

Hubby and I went through this. We solved it by using a FN from his side and a MN from my side. I was worried about the same thing though, sharing potential names and then having a let-down feeling when we announced baby’s actual name. For that reason, I only discussed potential names with my mom and my husband before hand (and on places like Nameberry.) BTW, it does get easier in one sense if you want to use family names: after you have the first child it is much more difficult to find a name you like, your husband likes, fits with your last name, honors a family member, and compliments your other child’s name too! Our list is MUCH shorter the second time around, which makes it much less stressful [name]IMO[/name]. We don’t even have the luxury of doing one name from each side because of all the other factors we are considering. So make sure to consider future children when you name your first! :slight_smile: A bouncing, healthy new baby and safe delivery for mom trumps all, I promise. If there is any disappointment, it will be short-lived!

30

Your parents will like the name that you have chosen. It’s their grandkid. But they shouldn’t have input. They got to name you. Now it’s your turn.

Now, I didn’t have a girl name chosen, so I did end up discussing names with my mom in the hospital once I had her. She hates pretty much every name that I like. But they are fine with [name]Bea[/name] now that they’ve seen the name in practice. They even buy her bee things all the time. (Most recent: a bee-shaped pancake flipper. I am not making that up. It actually exists!) But in the hospital, she was making faces and saying that I couldn’t name her [name]Daphne[/name] because my dad has a coworker named that, etc. I’m not eliminating names based on some woman my dad worked with a decade ago. Ridiculous.

31

When I have my children I will tell family and close friends the top two or three for each gender (I don’t want to find out the gender of any of my children until they are born, I like surprises). I also thought I would be pretty cool if they could vote for which they think we will choose or which they like the best. I also don’t what to have a name tied down to my baby before it is born, I want to see it and pick the name from my top three that I think suits it the most. I think I might try the name out for my baby for a couple of days or a week to see if it’s definitely the right name because I don’t want to have to change all the paper work and go through all the hassle.