The other day I was talking to my mom about a friend of mine who has chosen a name but decided not to tell anyone.
I completely understand this. If I love a name, I wouldn’t want the input of friends and family telling us that they don’t like it or that it should be something else. However my mom was very strongly opinionated in the other direction. She said she thought that was ridiculous and can’t stand when people do that!
Now I am sort of torn. When we start trying for baby number 1, part of me says I’d love to have my mom and close family discuss names with us. I would at least want both of our parents to like it… They have to use the name all the time too! At the same time I could see it going very bad and no one liking any of the names we chose! Then being frustrated and settling on something we both don’t really love!
What do you all think about sharing names before baby arrives?
Good [name]Lord[/name], no! When I’m pregnant, the only person I will discuss names with seriously is my husband. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories about family or friends hating name choices and attempting to change the parents’ minds about names they’ve chosen. Also, stories in the other direction, such as buying personalised gifts for the baby before it’s born, but the parents change their minds at the last minute (and feel less able to choose a different name given that everyone has pretty much already christened their baby). I think that, once a baby is born, people are less likely to try and interfere with naming choices. Having said that, I will discuss names with my mum (and already have), but once we make our final decision, I won’t be telling her until the baby is born. I probably won’t ever tell her that we’ve definitely decided because I think the waiting would kill her! I’ll tell her we’ve narrowed it down to a top five and we’ll decide for sure after I’ve delivered (a lie, but she won’t know that!).
I know two people who have told everyone their baby’s name (and gender, obviously) before birth and there were no surprises left when they finally delivered. The birth was an anti-climax. I want to surprise everyone, close family and friends included!
In my opinion (as someone who hasn’t had a kid) I’d save your top two or three for yourself, just in case. I’ve heard so many stories about an expecting couple gushing about a name they love to someone who seems totally uninterested in the name, and then a couple months later that uninterested person is all “Oh look what we named our child!” and it’s the name the first couple had been gushing over. It just seems too risky, especially if it’s a less common name or if you’ve really got your heart set on it.
I know my siblings are blabbermouths about things, so if I were pregnant I’d be worried they’d tell everyone else what names I was thinking about and suddenly a bunch of people would use the same names. I realize I don’t have that much influence on the world, but a few years ago when my sister was pregnant she asked about what names I liked and at the time I was in love with the name [name]Eden[/name] on a girl…within a few months of that conversation I suddenly heard of like 10+ babies that had been named [name]Eden[/name]. Where I hadn’t heard any in my area before, and the names hadn’t been on the SSA list at all (so there couldn’t have been more than 5 any year). I realize it’s ridiculous to assume that all of those kids were named that because I said it and it somehow got back to their parents, but it feels that way, and it still makes me a little sad when I think about it.
If it were me, I think I would tell my family a few of the names I liked, but the ones I wasn’t quite as in love with, and then just add that I wouldn’t be fully sure until I saw the baby, or something. That way no one is like “You named her [name]Alice[/name]?! But you said you loved [name]Jane[/name]!” and they’d still feel included in the process? But I also have a crazy supportive mom. I could name a kid Blueberry and she’d just gush about how sweet it was even if she secretly hated it. Whereas my siblings would take over and be like “[name]Just[/name] hand me the birth certificate and pen and I’ll pick the name for you since I hate everything you love.” So your relationship with your family is probably something to consider.
Oh my gosh! What a great question/thread. I think you have to know the kind of people you and your SO are, and you have to know the kind of people your family members are. For example: I knew if my [name]MIL[/name] really hated a name we selected, she would convince my husband to change his mind. And my husband was so noncommittal about names in the first place, I didn’t want to take any chances. Also, I know I’m very traditional when compared to other Berries, but within my own family, some of my names are considered ‘out there.’ It was o.k. with me if certain family members hated my son’s name, but I certainly didn’t want to know about it beforehand. My [name]SIL[/name] and brother used MaryHannah for the first born, and shared the name early, and OMG, the response they got was horrific. After watching it happen, I knew we made the right decision for us.
I chose not to discuss baby names with anyone except my husband, let alone announce it in advance. We also didn’t say “we have a name but it’s a secret” because we didn’t want to deal with badgering about it. I didn’t want anyone’s opinions or input, and I didn’t want to set it in stone in case I changed my mind (which I did!)
I wasn’t named until after I was born. My mom didn’t even find out the gender. She had several girl names she liked (but was dead-set on [name]Benjamin[/name] for a boy), and named me when she “met” me.
I started out talking names with anyone who asked. I mean, I am a [name]Berrie[/name] after all, I was really excited to get to talk about names that much! I had my dream name, [name]Nina[/name], all ready to go and my pregnant [name]SIL[/name] & [name]BIL[/name] ‘stole’ it from me causing all kinds of family tension cause they all knew it was ‘my’ name.
So we were back to square one & names were an emotional topic for me. I think too many people in my life lack boundaries & respect so they were insulting the names like it was a Comedy Central Roast…somehow a name feels unusable once your own grandmother openly mocks it! So I stopped talking names which created quite a controversy. I used the [name]Nina[/name] debacle as a way to put them off and it worked even though they were still annoyed, it got them to drop the topic.
For any future pregnancy I will not discuss the names among my family. I will probably seek feedback from a few friends whose taste is similar to my own and I will seek feedback here for sure! It’s good to check in to see if anyone has any reaction you never thought of, some glaringly teasable aspect of the name or something. Honestly, I ended up feeling like my whole family was just all up in my pregnancy like it was theirs! It was nice to finally keep something for just my husband and I!
Oh, you didn’t ask for one, but I did find a great way to get people off of the topic if they’re questioning you about the name you picked. [name]Just[/name] ask them, “Well, what do YOU like?” and for the most part they will go on and on about what names they would pick for your baby. In my experience most people suggest most of the top 10 names, their own name, and tons of shockingly bad or surprisingly original stuff!
I bet your mother’s reason for finding it ridiculous to hold back on sharing the name was merely her own curiosity. I mean, no we can know the sex, see 3D images of the fetus, ect. It’s fine to keep something to yourselves! [name]Just[/name] let her in on a cute nn for the bump and let her make lists for you to throw out once you get home!!
We didn’t tell anyone the names we were considering when we were expecting. It may have rubbed some people the wrong way, but we felt it was important. The way I see it, it’s hard enough to pick a name that you AND your spouse are both happy with. The more people you add to that equation, the harder it becomes. It’s impossible to please everyone. Your parents already got to name a kid(s); it’s your turn now. Give the kid a name YOU love! If Grandma loves the name ________ so much, she should have used it for one of her own kids.
I would not tell anyone close to me (other than my husband, obviously) ahead of time, no. BUT I do find it helpful to use potential names in places like Starbucks, where you have to give your name and they write it on your cup. If the Starbucks guy can’t figure out what the heck I am saying after three repetitions, I don’t consider it a usable first name. If you’re pregnant, you may be able to strike up a conversation with strangers about names, too. They will be able to point out glaringly obvious problems without you actually being concerned about their opinions.
We have always shared first names, but I leave the middle a secret until birth. My DH is pretty influenced by what others say about names and telling people our name choices has backfired in the past for us because people have expressed displeasure with them and then DH gets cold feet (or finally lets his true feelings known…) about the name. This happened for the name [name]Mirabelle[/name] … we were all set with it and he said he liked it and when we told his parents and they said it was frilly and strange, he backed out. So, I can see the point of not wanting to share names if you may be the type to worry what others say… however for me personally, I would rather my family be honest if they truly do not love a name up front rather than after she (haha we don’t know how to have boys- so babies=she to me!) has the name and it’s harder to change…or I’m more attached. Then again, if I’m truly in love and attached to a name, no one is talking me out of it.
The closest thing we came to not sharing was this past pregnancy. Everyone knew we were using the name [name]Lucille[/name] because it was a name we had picked/agreed on for almost 2 years at that point! Twin B had no name though and we didn’t share the name with (most of the) family for over a month. I mostly didn’t want to share the name because DH was on the fence about it and it was a bit more of a bold name than some other names we’d been discussing… I could forsee his mom saying it was “weird” and him backing down from it and I really didn’t want to lose this name! So, I used it as a tactic to get DH to get attached to it before we told people. About a month after we picked it, I was about 29 wks pregnant and we were hosting Thanksgiving. We decided to tell everyone the name started with a C – and let them guess throughout the day. Then we announced the name over dinner. It was kind of fun and I really liked that we both got to fall in love with the name alone before sharing it. I think the mistake we made in the past (the [name]Mirabelle[/name] issue comes to mind, but there have been others) is soliciting feedback too early before we were solid on the name ourselves.
So my short answer is that I [name]DO[/name] like sharing names before birth, but I think you need to let the names stick with you a bit before you bring them up so you are ready to handle all comments (positive and negative ones).
I honestly don’t know which way to lean in this situation. On one hand, it can be great to share/discuss the names ahead of time, to get some feedback, bounce ideas around, or even to “try out” a name first…see how it sounds to have relatives/friends say the name. But at the same time, I wouldn’t want relatives jumping down my throat because they think a name i choose is weird, and I’d have to give it up or put up with the crap talk for a whole pregnancy.
For myself, personally, I think I would maybe toss out a few names here and there, but not announce the actual name until the birth (though I’m picturing it now, and it’s rather amusing…probably all tired and just be like “this is …”). I know that I could not get away with keeping it a total secret, but I wouldn’t want it to be a situation where from the instant I’d find out the gender, everyone would know the name. I’d probably get tired of it.
My brother’s twin sons will be born soon, and it is driving everyone crazy that they are not telling the names ahead of time. Especially my mother. She acts like it is such an insult that they wouldn’t announce the names. Someone else wrote, complaining, on my brother’s facebook about it, and my brother replied that it’s hard to announce something that is not set in stone yet, but everyone would know soon enough. I’m fine not knowing their names. I already know they are boys, and they are being taken a month early, so there are alot of other worries right now, more important than trying to guess what the names are.
We’ve shared our girl’s name with family since it is a name that honors 2 family members. I particularly want my Grandma [name]Ione[/name] to know that we want to name a daughter after her. In case we have a boy, she still knows that our plan had been to give a daughter her name.
My family also know that a boy will have a middle name, [name]Sanders[/name], after my deceased mom. We haven’t shared [name]Desmond[/name] with our family yet. Again, in case we have a girl, my family still knows that I would have honored my mother had the baby been a boy.
I guess that’s the only reason family knows. I really don’t need them to approve (although they whole heartedly love the choices), but I’d like them to know that we’ve put a lot of thought into honoring family. Plus, it makes them feel like they can connect more with the baby since the gender is a huge surprise to us all.
We didn’t share any names and don’t plan to this time around either. I was/am too worried that they’ll say something to put me off the name. They didnt say anything horrible about our daughters name when we announced it (after she was born), but I have no doubt that they would have said something nasty if we mentioned it before her birth and probably put me off using it.
Oh my gosh, this has been on my mind lately. It seems like everyone asks me what names we like. The things that come out of people’s mouth when you are are all hormonal can be so hurtful or at least I tend to take it that way. This happened to me at a friend’s BBQ recently and EVERYONE was so opinionated, I seriously welled up with tears and had to walk away before I started crying! I tend to be an emotional person anyway, and definitely even more so when I am pregnant. If I was holding the baby in my arms and said the very same name(s), I know they would have more tact, why is it different when the baby is inside of you? I had to remind myself of the names they chose for their children (top 10’s and of course the “[name]Jaidyn[/name]” as well) and also remind myself I got these same reactions when I was pregnant with the first 3, yet after most people meet my kids and hear their unique names, they love them and I get compliments all the time.
I also agree that when you already know the gender and some people know the date, because of c-sections and inductions, what’s left? A little surprise is nice. Plus, I always felt I needed to really meet that little baby before finally settling on a name. I like the pp suggestions of “What do you like?”, that’s sure to keep most people at bay since they likely just want to blab about what they like, not really having any interest in what you like. My mom and best-friend are the only exception to that rule.
I don’t have children and I’m not pregnant, but I’ve thought about this quite a bit. It’s the norm in my circle of family and friends to share the name after the baby is born. I like this because 1) the name is the final “surprise” and 2) people are far less likely to make rude comments about the name choice after it’s official. I definitely won’t be sharing my children’s names before they’re born. I have considered sharing the initials with close family and friends to see if they can puzzle it out before the big day though.
This kind of is a “duh” comment, but I think it’s up to the parents, and I dont judge anyone on their choice to share vs not share.
In all honesty, I probably won’t share the name before the birth because I am indecisive and have a tendency to change my mind at the last second so I don’t want to like, have a babyshower and all the cards are addressed with the baby’s name, or receive personalized things. I feel like if I wanted to change the name last second, I’d feel guilty about it.
I have zero interest in discussing names with anyone other than my husband, too. That’s “our” job, as far as I’m concerned. I’m never going to please everyone with a name choice, and I don’t want to give up a name I truly feel is the one because a friend or family member decides to make a joke out of every name I mention (I’ve seen it happen, and I’m not putting myself in that position).
For some people, sharing the name and having open discussions about potential picks work great, and I see the advantages, but it’s not what I want to do in the future.
I think it depends on what’s most important to you, keeping a secret and/or having your parents weigh in.
If your mom can’t/won’t keep the name secret then I think you have to weight importance and figure out
if her input or the secrecy is more important to you.
I personally can’t keep a secret from my SO or my mother.
I turn into a little kid going “I have a secret. Can I tell you?” it’s quiet ridiculous.
So I might pretend to not tell my mom but in reality that is never going to happen. lol.
It was o.k. with me if certain family members hated my son’s name, but I certainly didn’t want to know about it beforehand. My [name]SIL[/name] and brother used MaryHannah for the first born, and shared the name early, and OMG, the response they got was horrific. After watching it happen, I knew we made the right decision for us.