this is probably quite random but my fiance and I have been talking about changing my sons surname. He’s 6 and he has his fathers surname but his father hasn’t seen him since he was about 3 months old and when i’ve spoken to him, he has no interest. (it’s a long story)
I’m not married to my fiance yet, we’re marrying in [name_u]November[/name_u] but I’m due in a few days with our first baby together. [name_f]My[/name_f] fiance has been there for as long as [name_m]Cooper[/name_m] (my son) can remember so he really sees him as his dad, so we’re thinking of giving him his surname after we marry, so he’ll also have the same surname as his sibling and myself.
What do you think? Would you change it if you were in this situation?
thanks in advance!
I assume you would have to get his father to agree and sign legal papers. I am not sure what it would do to child support, I wonder if it means that he would not need to legally give child support. It might waive all his (Cooper’s dad’s) rights. All of you (you, your fiance, and Cooper’s dad) would need to speak to a lawyer and see what the rules and laws are and what it would mean for all of you.
If your fiancé is willing to adopt [name_m]Cooper[/name_m], then yes, I think that sounds good.
(One of my cousins adopted his wife’s son from a previous relationship. They changed his last name as well. I’m not sure where you are, but I think this would be the thing to do if you really want [name_m]Cooper[/name_m]'s bio dad out of the picture.)
Is your fiance legally adopting him after you both get married?
I’m in the US, but generally I think people in your situation wait to change the child’s name once he/she is adopted by the parent. I think that makes the most since it represents the step-father taking full responsibility for the child as a parent. But I don’t know much about the details or how it would be different in other places.
Thanks for the advice. We’re from [name_f]England[/name_f] and I haven’t yet researched how we’d go about doing it as it’s something we’ve only just really started discussing but I’ll have to research it when I get some spare time. However my fiance is definitely willing to adopt him if it is necessary, and I think that his bio dad will be happy to co-operate if he needs to, but I’d have to talk to him about it. Thanks again 
I think it’s a really sweet idea. [name_m]Even[/name_m] in the most loving family, the child may feel left out if he’s the only one w a different last name, especially if he doesn’t have any connection to the name. I do agree that it would be best to make it official by your fiancé adopting your son.
Congratulations on the new baby and engagement!
It is far better for the children and parents to have the same name so I recommend changing it. Being adopted by his stepfather would be ideal, given his bio father abandoned him.
As someone who has been the child in the same situation, I would advise against doing this. I understand your reasoning, and you want to make sure your son still feels a part of the family by all of you having the same name, but in my experience there is no need to change his surname.
[name_f]My[/name_f] mum changed my surname when I was about 8 or 9 for the same reasons - she had remarried and had my little brother so I was the only one with a different surname and she felt she was doing the right thing. Other family members and people at school continually still used my birth surname and it caused a lot of confusion. It didn’t make me feel any less or any more part of the family, it just annoyed me if I’m honest. When I was 16 I ended up changing my name back to my birth surname because even though I had an absent father and didn’t really want his surname I still felt like that was just my name. Changing my name back proved very difficult, and it is a lot of effort having to notify everyone from banks and doctors to school/college and work, etc. It also caused more confusion yet again to those around me.
To me personally, I would have preferred if my mum had waited a few years until I was at least 13 or 14 and let me have a say on whether I wanted my name changed or not. [name_f]IMO[/name_f] this is what you should probably do with your son - wait until he’s old enough to make an informed decision for himself.
Someone close to me was also in the exact same family situation and his parents eventually decided not to change his surname and he is fine with it and it never made him feel any different.
Again I do understand your reasons and if you really feel it’s the right thing for your son and your family then go for it, but I thought it might help for you to have an insight on someone that has been through this.