Okay, before I say anything else, I am incredible nervous about posting this. But I really needed someone to talk to.
My brother is thirteen I am nineteen, we’ve grown very close over the last four or so years. For a few different reason, I think it has a lot do with my mother’s distance from us after the death of my aunt, and therefore we relied on each other a lot. We spend a great deal of time together and are both physical affectionate people (hugging, sitting down side by side to watch movies; but nothing that would be consider inappropriate.) A few days ago my mother express concerns and some rules about the way in which we interact, especially as my brother will, or technically already has begun puberty. It’s a discussion that was incredibly heated when my parents yelled at both of us and took me aside to speak with me privately. I didn’t entirely understand at first, that may be naive; but the whole male development process and what-not hadn’t really occurred to me. I knew the basic; but I didn’t really think about it since he’s just my little brother. After all that they both apologize for the way they brooch the issue and of course accepted their apology. He, however, was incredibly hurt as they upset me and didn’t explain to him what was going on. My mother later told him, that as we’re getting older, we need to act appropriately. But he’s still very irritated about it because he doesn’t understand. Ultimately it has left us both feeling awkward and a tad disconnected, we have a genuinely good friendship, and now it’s as though no matter what we do it’ll be “Wrong.” I know my parents didn’t do it on purpose; but, I don’t know. It genuinely feels like being in our house is walking on egg shells.
I wish I had more advice to give on this - I just wanted to speak in support of you.
My family has always been very affectionate, my oldest brother and I included. We’re also six years apart, but he’s the elder. My husband has always found our ‘affection’ strange, as his family is quite the opposite (they don’t even say ‘I love you’ to each other anymore… any of them)
When I say affection, I mean the same type of things. My mom and I still pecked on the lips saying hello or goodbye up until her passing (I was 24), and my brother and I always hug hello/goodbye. When we are hanging out with a group, we are usually next to each other, sometimes with his arm around my shoulder or something else equally innocent.
I, of course, do not find this at all odd. My brother and I are best friends and have been for a very long time. Up until I met my husband and stepsons, he was the most important person in the world to me.
I am very sorry for your discomfort. I hope that you can resolve this with your family - especially with your brother - and feel comfortable being yourselves once again.
It doesn’t sound like anything inappropriate was happening with your brother. Have you asked your parents to tell you specifically what they are uncomfortable with? [name_m]Just[/name_m] hugging, sitting next to each other and so on sounds like really normal brother and sister behavior. While it is true that a thirteen year old boy is going through puberty, that doesn’t mean that he can’t continue to have a close relationship with his sister.
For what it is worth, my brother is four years younger than me and we were always very close. The rest of my family was really not affectionate at all- my parents rarely hugged us and never kissed us. But my brother was just born needing a lot more physical affection and we always had a more affectionate relationship than the rest of the family. It was never weird, even when he was going through puberty. A boy’s sister is just not the focus of his raging hormones!
If they are just telling you that you are being inappropriate, that is pretty vague. I would sit down with them and calmly ask them to explain exactly what they mean. If you feel like they are being unreasonable, see if it is possible to talk with them along with a counselor or pastor or someone similar who can give some perspective. It will help to clear the air. I think that once you have this straightened out with your parents, your relationship with your brother will get back to normal because you won’t all be walking on eggshells.
I’m sorry this is happening. It sounds like your folks just really overreacted. Parents definitely screw up and freak out sometimes. Maybe they are still feeling a little overwhelmed with the changes in your brother and don’t know how to broach the subject in a way that is supportive to you both.
You say your mom’s been preoccupied with a family member’s death. I’m sorry to hear that. Can you talk to your dad about this? Or another trusted family member, maybe?
Sorry you are feeling so sad! I have 3 siblings, one older bro, one younger, and a younger sister. We are all incredibly close and I love hugging, kissing, holding hands, and cuddling with them. And I am married and so is my older bro! We still hug and he puts his arm around me occasionally. My sis and I were just cuddling on the couch last night. We shared a blanket and watched TV. It was awesome and special bonding time. Physical contact between siblings of them same OR opposite sex is perfectly normal. As long as everybody has their clothes on, and is respecting erogenous zones, it’s healthy and normal. [name_m]Don[/name_m]‘t be ashamed of something so positive. The more significant fact to me is that you and your bro feel close enough to be affectionate. That is special. No matter what, hang on to that closeness with your little bro. It will get you both through some hard times. As you go your separate ways in adulthood, you’ll feel so good knowing you have someone to depend on.
Your close relationship can also help your little brother learn to interact in a positive way with women in general… You can help him realize ways to respect women and how to relate to them. This could make him more successful in future romantic, business, and family relationships.
I agree it’s a good idea to try to communicate further with your parents about this. Maybe you can all clear the air with a few meaningful conversations. A couple of things to keep in mind: I guarantee that your parents probably love you and your brother and want what is best for you. Many times the way adults react to uncomfortable or unfamiliar situations traces back to the way they were raised. What was the atmosphere in your parents’ childhood homes? What were the normal ways of expressing affection? Did they have siblings? If so, how are their relationships with their siblings? Can you ask them about their own experiences of sibling relationships?
Also, grief makes people act screwy. Often for months, even years after a death, people don’t act like they used to. And they can be very unpredictable. Was it your mother’s sister who passed away? Maybe she worries you and your bro will over depend on each other, and she fears the loss that such a close bond could engender in the future.
Be sure to ask questions and keep an open mind. Also share your feelings respectfully and ask for space for you and your brother to define your relationship norms for yourselves. After all, you are practically both adults now.
Good luck!
I don’t have a brother, but I’ve always been really close to one of my male cousins. He’s eleven and I’m eighteen. He still cuddles up to me when we’re watching movies. In my family, especially on my dad’s side, we’re all very physically affectionate. We love to hug, and the little ones love to cuddle up with the older kids when we’re watching movies, playing games, or telling stories together. I would ask your parents what about your and your brother’s behavior they think is inappropriate.
I don’t have much to add from my own experiences, except that I wish I had a close relationship with my brother! I just wanted to say that this is an excellent response and really insightful, especially with parents responding to how they were raised (it defines their idea of ‘normal’).
I wish we had a thumbs up button on these boards!
And quite frankly, I think your parents are 1. overreacting and 2. inexperience in a true sibling relationship. I can only wonder if they’re maybe jealous that you guys can rely on each other like that.
I’m a twin to my brother [name_m]Cotton[/name_m]. We’re fourteen years younger than our older brother [name_m]Haines[/name_m]. Our dad wasn’t exactly a great role model after our mom jumped ship three days after we were born, so half the time we were being raised by H. Naturally, all three of our bonds were close and like you described you and your younger brother’s bond. It’s natural to love each other and it’s not like you were doing anything weird. I remember times (and this still happens today LOL) when we would watch horror movies in [name_m]Haines[/name_m]'s apartment in [name_u]Memphis[/name_u] (which was the coolest thing ever four fourteen year olds that lived in the smallest town on the face of this planet in the middle of Mississippi). I would end up squished between both of them (dad always used to joke we “looked like an oreo” with my super blonde hair and the boys dark hair) with my face buried in one of their chests.
Siblings are supposed to love each other and be there for each other NO MATTER WHAT.
What you and your brother have is healthy.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] this helps you and just remember:
-[name_u]Drew[/name_u]