So, I couldn’t find the wording I wanted for the title, but basically I’m wondering what people’s thoughts are if cousins share the same names. An example would be this, my oldest sister and her husband have selected [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] as the name of their first son (though they are not pregnant or TTC anytime soon). Our beloved grandfather is [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] and I’ve always wanted to name my son after him. I am actively TTC and DH and I are in agreement: If we have a boy, his name will be [name_m]Harrison[/name_m] [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] (I am sadly shelving [name_m]Hemingway[/name_m], a long time love and GP) because my grandfather means the world to me and it is terribly important that I honor him.
The other names we like for boys are [name_m]Nathaniel[/name_m] [name_u]James[/name_u] and [name_m]Zachary[/name_m] [name_m]William[/name_m]. Another problem: [name_u]James[/name_u] is my father and brother’s middle name–but it’s also the middle name that my sister likes with [name_m]Thomas[/name_m]. [name_m]William[/name_m] is my DH’s middle name plus the names of three of my four great-grandfathers. [name_m]William[/name_m] just happens to be my sister’s second choice in boys names.
Now, generally, I tend to advise people not to worry about middle names as they are rarely trotted out. However, when it comes to family members, would it be weird if my hypothetical sons had the same middle names as their hypothetical cousin’s first names?
I don’t think it’s weird at all especially since you are using family names. I actually have cousins that have the same first names and it doesn’t cause many issues. I think it’s totally fine for kids to have the same middle name as their cousins first. Also, I wouldn’t neglect a name because your sister has said she will hypothetically use it. They may change their mind when the time comes and then you may be disappointing that you didn’t use the name you wanted to.
I thought this question was going to be about cousins sharing first names, which to me depends a lot on the cousins’ proximity to each other and family dynamics (for example, there are several Johns in my extended family and it’s never been a problem), but if these are middle names? Go for it. If your sister and brother-in-law aren’t even TTC, keep in mind they may never even have a boy, so this may not ever be a name they get to use; or maybe they will have a boy years from now and have changed their minds on the name. I presume that by announcing their name selection they’re trying to reserve the name for themselves and without knowing them I don’t know whether they’d be upset if you used it before they did. Still, though, if these are middle names you’re talking about, and you don’t intend to use them as first names, I think it’s fine - it’s just your way of honouring someone who’s important to both you and your sister.
Since she has announced it and you’re concerned about stepping on her fingers, once you’re pregnant you might consider giving her a heads-up about using [name_m]Thomas[/name_m] as the middle name so that it doesn’t come as a surprise to her if/when you have a boy and use it.
My first name is shared with one female cousin and two male cousins have the masculine version. My middle name is shared with one cousin and a male cousin has a name derived from it. My parents, aunts, uncles, and such never discussed the names beforehand and just named us all what they wanted. It was never an issue but we’re a big family so it’s bound to happen. Anyway, I think middle names that overlap with someone else’s first or middle name are no big deal. If you’re really worried about it then maybe talk to your sister?
I think it’s great, especially if they are not sharing the same first names. That’s how names become family names. In my family, because we all wanted to honour the name people, we have 4 boy cousins who all have the same middle, and one who has the name as a first, and 3 girl cousins with the same middle including my daughter. It’s kind of special!
It depends how your family works, and how your sister would take it. I agree with all the posters who said to talk it over with her first to see whether she would mind, and if she does, settle on something with her. You don’t want to create unnecessary tension with her.
I don’t think it’s an issue. My dad’s name is [name_m]David[/name_m], and both of his sisters chose to use his name for their sons’ middles. There were occasional moments of lighthearted confusion among the elder folks at family gatherings, especially because my mom’s father was also named [name_m]David[/name_m] and the cousins are often called by their first and middle names: A— [name_m]David[/name_m] and G----- [name_m]David[/name_m]. My sister and I have vastly different naming styles, but both want to honor the same relatives; the only names we both like are family names. We’ve joked for years that it’s first-come, first-served as far as using honorifics as first names, and it’s likely that our kids will end up sharing middles at any rate.
On both sides of my partner’s family, every generation has at least one [name_m]Charles[/name_m]. Some of the men go by [name_m]Charles[/name_m], [name_m]Chas[/name_m], [name_m]Charles[/name_m] mn, [name_u]Charlie[/name_u], initial nicknames like CJ…and some drop their first name altogether and go by their middle names for the sake of simplicity. It’s a little confusing when looking at the family tree, but also not that uncommon a tradition. My best friend is super-geeky about ancestry, and she’s had to correlate birth- and death- dates with relatives’ names because there were multiple Johns across generations, or several Ceciles, or a grandfather [name_u]Noah[/name_u] who had a son [name_u]Noah[/name_u] whose younger brother [name_m]Luke[/name_m] names his son [name_u]Noah[/name_u], and figuring out each person’s lifespan is the only way to figure out exactly who’s who.
This is all my rather long-winded way of saying not to worry about cousins sharing middle names, and if your sister knows you like the same family names, then she knows there’s a chance you’ll get to use it first. Have a little faith in yourself and in your sister that you’ll each be considerate and yet still use the name(s) that feel right for the little one(s) in question.
Thanks for all of the responses! I know it’s all hypothetical and when the time comes it may be very different. I do think at this point we’re both set with [name_m]Thomas[/name_m]–her as the first name of her son and me as the middle. I’m okay with it if she’s okay with it, which I think she will be. She and her husband have had the name picked out for the ten years they’ve been together, so I’m sure it’s not going anywhere. It also works in my favor that [name_m]Thomas[/name_m], [name_u]James[/name_u], and [name_m]William[/name_m] are fairly common names, so it’s not as if we’re using a name that draws a very strong connection one way or another. And I think ultimately, she would be okay with my decision (as it is not just important to me, but beyond important to my husband who never had grandparents growing up and is very close to and fond of my grandfather), but even if she wasn’t, my grandfather means the world to me and honoring him comes above all else.
For me it isn’t a big deal, but when my mom and stepdad were considering having another child, they wanted to name a son [name_m]Dennis[/name_m] [name_u]James[/name_u] - DJ for short. Both of their fathers’ names are [name_m]Dennis[/name_m], and [name_u]James[/name_u] is a family name on my mom’s side. The problem is that my cousin (stepdad’s sister’s son) is JD, [name_u]James[/name_u] [name_m]Dennis[/name_m]. In the end, they decided not to have a kid, so it’s a non-issue, but that’s just an anecdote.