Thought I could use your advice or even your reassurance with this one.
I’m currently pregnant with my third little boy and last child and while I’m beyond excited to be adding another member to our family (regardless of the sex), I’ll admit I did have initial feelings of sadness that I’ll never get the daughter that I always longed for.
I absolutely adore my boys and they are my life, and I know this little one will be no different. But how do you overcome the feeling of loss knowing that a girl will never happen. It’s definitey not disappointment (and I hate the term gender disappointment) with this baby, more just changing my expectations of my what family will be like.
The hardest part is, while I’m slowing coming to terms with it, and excited to meet my little boy, the comments I get from everyone including complete strangers seem to make me feel worse.
When I tell them it’s another boy I generally get pity looks or ‘aww I’m sorry’. Then things like ‘you’ll have your hands full with three boys’ ‘oh you’ll have to try for a fourth’
[name_m]Just[/name_m] comments that feel condescending and like they are feeling sorry for me. Then I get on the defensive and feel like I need to justify all the reasons why I’m excited for another boy, when deep down it’s all a bit raw for me as well.
Anyway I don’t really know what I’m asking, just looking for any advice or reassurance, especially from other mums with all the same sex children. Tell me it gets better!
Thank you!
Ps. I just wanted to end by saying I know I’m completely lucky and fortunate to have three happy and healthy children of any sex!
I’m one of five girls and my aunt had 6 boys. My mother and aunt had each other and the others children but they were always a bit jealous of each other and the rest of the family would make jokes about them.
Turns out now all us kids are a bit older, the life their children gave them turned out just perfect and I couldn’t possibly imagine them not being the parents of the genders they have.
I feel like you really grow into your family and kids and the parent you are when your family is complete.
I’d say own it! You’re a boy mom and they’re great and you’re amazing and your family is just what it’s meant to be!
Thank you so much for your post! It means a lot. And I do totally agree, you definitely grow into your family and I know as soon as baby boy arrives I will forget all about ever having those feelings because it won’t even matter.
You are meant to get what you get, and I know I am completely blesssd to have three healthy children. I just wish other people would see that too and keep their comments to themselves.
It’s OK for it to be a bit raw at the moment… time will change things.
I don’t have any kiddos yet so can’t fully relate, but I’ve always imagined myself having 1-2 girls as women have always felt so prominent in my family… I was very close to my big sister and my grandma, and my mum and grandma have always talked of how wonderful, lovely, talented my great grandma was, and my other great-grandma’s sister was. I imagine that if I end up with 3 boys it will be an adjustment from how I’d imagined my family.
But… my aunty has 3 boys, now all 35-45 or so and they’re just lovely. Talented in a range of areas, kind, awesome people. She was a boy Mum and she rocked it, and there’s definitely no sense of anything ‘missing’ from her family.
I think it’s so rude for people to respond to your news as if it’s bad news.
I guess my only comment to you is, you are extremely blessed. Some people, myself included, struggle for years to try to have one child. Enjoy!
As you’ve said, you really are so blessed to have three boys that love you & call you mommy. I am the oldest of 6, and my mom and dad had me and two more girls and thought they might be done. God had other plans and now we have three more siblings… two boys and another sister. Your boys will have SUCH a strong [name_m]BOND[/name_m].
Thank you so much for all your kind words and reassurance. Looking back at that post, albeit only a few weeks ago, it feels like I was a totally different person writing that.
I think the previous poster summed it up perfectly saying how ‘raw’ it was. And that’s exactly what it was. Not disappointment at all, just raw emotions knowing that it was my last bub.
Now that that has all passed, I’m so bloody excited to meet my little man! I’m so comfortable knowing I’m going to be a blessed mumma to three beautiful boys and am excited for all the adventures and fun we will have together as a family of boys (plus me! Haha)
The comments from others still annoy me. Only because I wish they’d see what I do, and that’s how lucky I am!
[name_m]Just[/name_m] wanted to say that you are very brave addressing your emotions, I have 2 boys and always wanted a big family. Decided with my husband we would have 3 children before starting so we knew where to draw the line. Been team green every pregnancy, family very girl heavy my generation.
I get all the comments about trying for a girl, am I only having third to get my girl, if it’s not a girl will you ‘try’ again etc. [name_m]Even[/name_m] family who think they are being neutral say ‘would would be NICE if this one was a girl’ …
I think we are having a boy but I’m kinda dreading the feeling that everyone will be disappointed with ANOTHER boy as they see it!
However- the only people that think like this are the ones that aren’t close to the family, they don’t know that my boys are peas in a pod but also chalk and cheese on a daily basis. They don’t see them pile into cuddles and kisses, chase round the house or snuggle when they are tired. They don’t know that my not yet 3 yr old is light years ahead in his language, doing puzzles for 7 year olds, loves princesses, fairies and magic but trips over his feet just like his mummy did. Other people don’t see that my 16 month old loved mummy’s milk straight from the ‘tap’ and refused a bottle, looks set to be either a musician or sportsperson, cracked walking in a week but still only has 6 teeth at 16 months so teething is hell on us all!!
You already know this but your child is not defined by their genitalia, yes there are a few things that you won’t do as a mum of boys, you won’t go shopping for your daughters wedding or prom dress but you will take your sons for their suits, you won’t have a female birds and bees chat but you will need to cover both sides for your boys.
I think that society expects 2 children 1 b/ 1 g and that any deviation must show some sort of disappointment or dissatisfaction.
I’ve been thinking about how I will deal with the expected and projected disappointment if this baby is a boy and I think you are right, deal with your own feelings first, and remember that the people who know your family and love your family unconditionally will see your child and not just his winky!
I recently heard this idea that when you decide to create a child that a soul chooses you as their own family. So you have something special to give to this child that has chosen you as his mummy that only you can give. I think that’s a beautiful thought.
And if others go on then either ignore because they are living vicariously (lucky they didn’t have such a special family to look after!), or they don’t know what they are saying (yes it’s our third boy but he is just as precious as the other two were and will be just as unique- except I’m already an expert at changing boy nappies!!)
Good luck mummy and enjoy your family of little gents/ruffians/fairies/goblins and anything else that they act like from one minute to the next!
With every baby there is a moment of mourning for the child that wasn’t but a lifetime of joy in finding out who they are, teaching and learning from them and loving them to bits xxx
I’m glad you can relate to what I was originally trying to say. It’s hard to express my emotions on the topic because I never want to sound ungrateful or disappointment. But I’m sure there are other mums out there, like yourself, that have experienced the feelings associated with only have babies of the same gender.
It is definitely a feeling, like you said, of mourning a baby or ideal that wasn’t meant to be. I come from a family of all girls so for me, having a baby girl was something I always imagined having. When you find out it’s not happening that way there is a sense of missing out on something. That somehow, I will go through life missing something or never experiencing something that other people will get. It’s such a weird feeling. Especially because when you actually get to the root of it, has absolutely nothing to do with having boys at all.
Why do we as a society assume the holy grail of parenthood is having a boy and a girl and that somehow anything other than that is less than? It baffles me and baffles me even more that I felt that as a result.
I definitely agree with what you said about the most ‘ohhh poor you’ comments have come from people that aren’t that close to me, don’t know my boys or funnily enough don’t even have kids themselves. Maybe the ones that don’t have kids will never know how much you will love your child regardless of their sex until they have them themselves. Or have an idea or expectation about what is considered the ideal family.
There are so many wonderful pros with having boys. My boys are beautiful and cuddly and sensitive and are just the sweetest things. Sure they are high energy and love running around crazily but they are so much more than that. I might never have a girl to shop with or help plan her wedding but I’m sure there will be so many wonderful boy moments too.
Anyway, thanks again. I definitely think you are meant to have what you have. Good luck with your third bub. I’m sure no matter whether a boy or a girl you will have the perfect little family in your eyes, regardless of anyone else’s comments. I’m so glad I’m at a place where I can see that now.
I went thru the SAME feelings. It is OKAY and it is NORMAL to feel this way.
You imagined something for yourself, and there is a bit of grief for the thing that could have been that now won’t come to pass, and it is healthy to mourn that.
I kept accidentally referring to the fetus by the opposite gender for pretty much the entire pregnancy because I just couldn’t get the assumption, the image, the expectation out of my subconscious. (It’s wild how that assumption can sneak in and take hold without you even realizing it until after the fact!) It quickly tapered off after baby was born. Now everything is fine, and everyone is happy. [name_u]Truly[/name_u].
Most people aren’t taught emotional intelligence. When ppl don’t know what to say, they often try to say something to try to cheer you up – they’re most often coming from a good place, but it almost always ends up making you feel worse in some way. Either it hits that already tender nerve, compounding your saddness, or it makes you feel judged. It took me a couple of times of being the recipient in that kind of situation to realize that sometimes saying “I really don’t know what to say, but I am sorry, and I am here if you need anything or just want to talk” is the best thing you can say to someone is hurting.
I’m one of those weirdos who actually always wanted all one or the other. I didn’t care if it was boys or girls, but my honest preference was that they would all be one or the other. I got lucky and that’s what happened, but I’m sure whatever I ended up with would have eventually felt perfect. I just thought it seemed so fun to see those sibling bonds develop.
That said, I hate the comments too! Complete strangers feel the need to comment on our family all the time: “Oh your poor husband!” “Maybe you’ll get a boy next time” We’re done, our family is complete. And we’re happy with what we have. I hate having to defend that all the time. And if we weren’t happy, if we did have that longing for a boy, some stranger’s comments would make me feel even worse. And I think of what our daughter’s will hear as they get older. It’s such crap.
I think the feelings you are having are completely normal and you know it will dissipate in time. But I so commiserate with wishing people would keep their opinions and comments to themselves.
