To have another child or not?

My husband and I are trying to decide if we want another child. I know in the end this is entirely my husband’s and my decision, but I thought I’d see if anybody had some thoughts that might tip the scale in favor of one direction or another.

When my husband and I got married, our original plan was to have 2 children. We currently have one little girl (she’s 2 1/2), and based on a lot of other life decisions, if we want another child, it needs to be now or never.

Reasons to have another child: It was our original plan. My husband is slightly in favor of another child (though he admits he would be fine with just one). I am an only child so any grandchildren my parents have must come from me. This also means my daughter won’t have any cousins nearby since my husband’s family lives across the country (and so far none of his siblings have had children, so no cousins there anyway). In addition to not having cousins, we live out in the country and as far as I know, there are no other children my daughter’s age within a mile of the house (though she does get the opportunity to see and play with kids her own age about 2-4 times a week). While I personally didn’t mind being an only child when I grew up, I had neighbors my own age and cousins I saw regularly, so I feel like I was less isolated than my daughter would be.

Reasons not to have another child: I’m scared–pure and simple. We had a really rough start with my daughter. She spent the first 6 weeks of her life crying and not sleeping because she had some undiagnosed food allergies. This began the start of 18 months of rather serious post-partum depression for me (which I pretty much had to deal with by myself because despite reaching out for professional help a couple of times, I just got passed from person to person on the phone and never once managed to get an appointment anywhere). Once we figured out my daughter’s problem, she was much happier, but my life sucked. I had a dreadful day-to-day routine. I won’t get into the details, but it involved a very strict diet for me, a really annoying regiment of breast-pumping, extra doctors appointments, and constant stress and worry because she wasn’t gaining enough weight, yet seemed to be allergic to all the formulas out there so I couldn’t supplement. This is all in addition the typical new baby problems that everyone has. Things have finally calmed down–she outgrew her food allergies and she’s a perfectly healthy, happy child now. But I’m so afraid to go through any of that again. I feel like I just barely got my life back. I can’t even imagine trying to deal with all of that while having a toddler too. Then there are all typical concerns most parents have–sibling rivalry, dealing with jealousy, etc. Those are there too, but much more in the background.

So do I want another child? That answer seems to change by the minute. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have another child; if I got pregnant by accident I certainly wouldn’t be upset. But then I think about how hard everything was, and how hard it might be again, and it seems like having another baby is not worth the risk of having to go through all of that again, especially with a toddler too.

So, does anybody have any insights for me, one direction or another? Because at this point, while it’s not very logical, it seems like my best option is leaving it up to chance for one month and seeing what happens.

I don’t have any children yet myself but I can try to answer from a slightly different perspective - that of the terrible baby. My parents say I literally never stopped crying from birth (which was very traumatic for both me and my mother and ended with both of us in intensive care) until I was about 2 years old. I was sickly, irritable, in and out of hospital, and basically my mum had the worst time ever. If my grandmother hadn’t lived nearby she says she honestly doesn’t know how she would have coped, to the point where she didn’t think she could handle having another baby, even though she and my dad both wanted two children.
Fast forward another year, and my brother arrived. His birth was super easy and he was an extremely calm, happy baby who just ate and slept alternately until he was a toddler. He was hardly ever unwell. He was pretty much the polar opposite of me in every way and was as easy as a baby can be.
I’m sure having a small baby as well as a three year old made things a bit harder for my mum for a while, but never once has she regretted having him. And I really love having a brother. The thought that I might have grown up without a sibling makes me feel really sad, and I’m so grateful she decided to take the risk and have another child. I think especially if your daughter is relatively isolated from children her own age, being an only child might be difficult for her. As you say, no one can make this decision for you, but just remember that there’s no reason to think the second baby will be like the first, and the potential joy you and your daughter could get from having another child are huge.

I’m in a similar position- 2.5 year kiddo and I feel like if we are ever going to have #2 it’s now or never. My husband is more confident that we should try for another than I am. In my case, my daughter was probably pretty average on the difficulty scale, we had/have help, and I still feel overwhelmed pretty often and ended with some sort of functional PPD. I figure we’ll go ahead and try, mostly because I trust my DH, and I’ll be ok with whatever happens either way.

My children are only 14 months apart. Though it wasn’t planned to have them THAT close together, now that they are teenagers, I wouldn’t change a thing!

I was pretty nervous with the second one, because I was on complete bed rest with my first, from week 31 to 36. I worried about the early labor happening again & having a one year old to care for. Plus, with my second, my mom was dying of bone cancer, my family was concentrated on caring for her, so of course I couldn’t get much help from them. ( My mother in law did help when she could)

But, after I got over throwing up for the first 5 months, the last half of the pregnancy and her birth was a breeze. Now I’m able to laugh when I remember barfing into the diaper pail while I changed my son.

Tho it was very hard to have 2 kids under age one and a half, I would do it all again! It doesn’t feel like it, but the baby & toddler stages fly by!

Just make sure you get help for your post partum!

I’ll have to go with what you started out with, only you can decide.

However, since you asked, I have pretty much decided that we are one and done. My husband is content with 1, but refuses to say we are done as he keeps thinking I’ll change my mind, ha!

I only ever wanted one and after giving birth and having a baby, I am pretty sure I still want one. I definitely don’t want to do the pregnancy and birth part over again. I don’t know how any woman goes through that experience more than once!

Another for having one is it’s just easier and cheaper! You only have to worry about one kid! Also, I had a younger sister growing up and hated it. Maybe it’s just the way my parents parented, but having a sibling was not a great experience for me. My sister and I were not friends at all growing up.

Everyone tells me it’s hard right now to even consider having another since I’m so in love with this one and she is only 9 months, that 2 years from now I will change my mind. This kind of ticks me off as if they know me better than I know myself, but I also hate to say never.

Another thing to note is that we actually ended up with like the best baby ever and yet I still won’t do it again. We had a rough start because I had low supply, so breastfeeding was out and formula in, luckily she had no issues taking formula. After that it was smooth sailing. She has fussy nights every now and then, and those are the moments where I am reminded why I don’t want another. The idea of having a crying baby and a toddler at the same time is just overwhelming for me. I used to want twins so bad, now I am so glad we only ended up with 1!

Anyway, I want to end with you only know you. What can you handle? All babies are different, so it’s possible your next baby won’t be as hard, but it’s also possible they will be. Could you handle a crying baby and toddler at the same time?

You didn’t have good postpartum help the first time, but maybe if you make sure to get that help the second time it would make things easier. I started seeing a therapist a few months after our daughter was born for anxiety, and it helped so much! I was never diagonesed with Postpartum depression, but I definitely had a lot of stress and worry that comes with motherhood.

I would actually consider talking to a therapist about your dilema and see if they can help you find your answer!

I’m generally of the opinion that if you go back and forth it’s probably a better idea to have another since once the baby arrives you’re unlikely to regret having them. Are your daughter’s allergies genetic? Can you talk with her doctors and the next appointment and see if it’s likely to happen again? I’d also try to find a psychologist that will see you now so you can be prepared if postpartum depression happens again. Finding a preschool or babysitter is also a good tip if that’s something you can afford. That way you’re more prepared. Whatever you decide I hope you’re able to be at peace with the decision.

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and advice. I always enjoy it when the OP comes back and lets everyone know what they decided, so I thought I’d share with all of you too.

I initially told my husband that I wasn’t ready and that I would rather deal with all of the hardships of putting it off for a few years than try to force myself into it now. Then a few days later I changed my mind (again) and decided that it would be best to have a child now after all.

Then I missed my period and realized that I’d been pregnant the entire time and just didn’t know it yet (That could also explain my emotional overreaction when originally posting this thread). Funny how things work like that. So I guess I have a baby coming in [name_u]June[/name_u] :slight_smile: My husband is super excited about it and I’m…mostly feeling excited, though also scared, which isn’t surprising given how I was feeling before.

I keep telling myself that things will be different this time around because I’ve moved states since my last pregnancy. Last time I had no family and only a few friends in the area (most of whom I met through a parents group so they were all first time parents too and as overwhelmed as I was), now I live next door to my parents so I at least have some help on hand when I need it.