To Honour in name… or not?

[Kibby]

I’m looking for some thoughts on using Honour names. For those of you that were named after a family member or friend, how has this made you feel over your life? Does anyone have a baby named after them?

I’m struggling with this one. I’ve been sure for years years that I’d name any potential daughter after my late father, so Philippa, nn Pippa. My Dad was a hugely influential figure in my life and I’m still grieving his passing years later. I myself am named after his mother, her first name is my middle, Irene. My grandmother passed away when my father was a pre teen, and sharing a name with her always made me curious about her and feel connected to this woman I never met. I’d love for my child to feel this sort of connection to the grandfather they’ll never get the chance to meet. However the problem is that I’m not fully in love with Philippa as a name, never have been, or maybe I feel trapped by wanting to honour my Dad. I’m unsure. If I have a boy one day, my intent would be to use Philip in the middle, not the first name. I don’t care for Philippa in the middle and prefer the idea of Pippa as a nn for a girl. (Pippa is not enough as a stand-alone for me) One other factor might be that my mother will be….miffed… that I’d honour my father in that way, she harbours a lot of resentment towards him after the failure of their marriage. I don’t care if she gets angry with me, but I don’t want her switch those resentments to my child.

Has anyone else struggled with naming in this way, kind of like… feeling a loyalty/obligation to honour a family member? I’d love any thoughts and advice!

[Greyblue]

That sounds like a complex situation and a lot to weigh up.

For me, personally, using a name I liked would be more important, and I prefer to find subtle, less direct honours - that give a child their own name, without the weight of holding an honour, that doesn’t upset anyone who isn’t honoured.

I’d maybe consider: shared initials, a different name with nn [name_f]Pippa[/name_f], a shared meaning, thinking about your father’s interests/values etc - that could lead to a name

[tallemaja]

In my culture until very recently it was considered an obligation to name your kids after your parents, and even today a lot of older folk believe that. It’s only in the past 20 years that people have started to break away from that unspoken obligation, and I wish my parents had done the same! Everyone seems much happier now not being trapped in these honour boxes.

I’m named after my grandmother, and though I loved her, being named after her doesn’t mean anything to me. It doesn’t make the connection I had with her more meaningful, for me it just means that my parents chose a name they didn’t love over a name they did, so I’ve always had negative emotions toward my name.

[name_f]My[/name_f] opinion is that wanting to honour someone is fine, but it’s nothing special. Sure, it’s sweet, but having an honour name doesn’t mean the connection between the grandchild and the grandparent is stronger, and it doesn’t make the child a better child for using their parent’s name. Your love for your parents has nothing to do with how much you happen to like their name, after all.

Sorry for the very jumbled thoughts, but I hope maybe they can be of use. Wishing you good luck in figuring it all out!

[namergirl3]

I wasn’t named after anyone. I don’t technically have any children named after me either but I can relate to the dilemma.

[name_f]My[/name_f] grandfather passed away several years ago and I had wanted to find a way to honor him with my future child’s name. I won’t claim to have been very closet to my grandfather but I always admired how he came to this country, the work he did, etc. Anyway, his name was very similar to my husband’s brother’s name, so we settled on yet another form of the name (grandfather was [name_m]Nate[/name_m], BIL [name_m]Nathan[/name_m], settled on Nathaniel). I loved it…at first.

I kind of regret choosing an honor name now. I didn’t- and still don’t- love [name_m]Nathaniel[/name_m]. It fits my son, the flow of his name is fantastic and I can’t imagine his name being anything else but I just don’t love the name. I think it is important for both parents, if the situation fits that, to love the name…and to not just settle on/tolerate it. I felt like it was a nice thing to do but it’s like the good feelings others had about it faded away quickly and now he was to wear this name forever.
Beyond that, his name did create quite a bit of drama. Kiddo was named after my paternal grandfather, so my maternal side was angry they weren’t honored. Actually, ever single side (divorces and remarriages) found something to be offended about… They haven’t treated DS badly because of it but there is still resentment. So yeah, I very much hesitate to use an honor name again for a future baby. That’s where I’m finding the real pressure, honestly. “You honored this side, now what about us” or trying to figure out how to make it work with names (and people, tbh) we don’t like…
A few other points:
A few people I know were named honor names and despise it because they either view it as a lack of originality or individuality, or they just don’t care too much because they didn’t know the people they were named after. Others feel the complete opposite. I wasn’t named after anyone but I really wish my mother had carried on a middle name tradition that spanned from my great-grandmother down to her, but she hated it and stopped it. [name_f]My[/name_f] middle name is a filler, so having one that actually had meaning is appealing to me.
Also, it may not be possible to know in your situation but sometimes people don’t like their names and don’t want them passed on. [name_f]My[/name_f] stepfather told all of us to never, ever use his first or middle names after him. He royally despised them and was offended when my stepsister still wanted to use them.

Your situation, it seems like Phillippa may not be a good fit for you. Maybe it could be as a middle name? Are there any other names connected to your father that could work? Maybe passing [name_f]Irene[/name_f] onto a daughter could pass as an honor name, as it was his mother? That option could also sort of defer your mother’s potential feelings of resentment, as you could technically claim you named her after yourself/your middle name. There’s also other options mentioned on here, such as the favorite song, birthstone, etc.
I’m sorry for the loss of your father, no matter how long ago it was. I hope you can find a name or a way to honor who he was while also being a way or name that you love.

[jk_garrison]

I think the upside to honor names is that they will always hold significance. Trends and taste might change, but you will always have that a reason for choosing your child’s name.

[name_f]My[/name_f] mother gave me her middle name [name_u]Lee[/name_u]. She never liked it herself because she thought it sounded redneck with her first name, but she passed it on to me because she had always wished she was named after someone. I don’t love it as a name, and my relationship with my mother is a little distant now. However, I like that she took that initiative to pass on her name, and if anyone asks my why I was given my names, it does feel special to say that my middle name is also my mother’s middle name.

I liked the idea of using honor names for middle names and choosing a unique first name, and I had intended on using all family mn. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband’s sister and mother share a middle name like my mom and I do so I wanted to pass that along. With my first daughter, I used their middle name [name_f]Elaine[/name_f] but I changed it to [name_f]Elena[/name_f]. I have struggled with it at times because my MIL and SIL haven’t been very kind to me, but I do like that it honors my daughter’s Latina heritage and her new lineage (she’s adopted) and at the end of the day I like the name [name_f]Elena[/name_f].

While pregnant with my son, my perspective changed a bit. I had planned to use a family middle. [name_f]My[/name_f] father and my husband’s father share the same fn so we thought we’d use that, but I was confronting some family issues and didn’t really want to attach that name to my child. We considered using [name_u]Lee[/name_u] for his middle. I ended up using the surname of a historical figure I really admire as his middle - [name_m]Wells[/name_m]. I like the name (especially as a middle), and it speaks more to our hopes for my son’s life and his character.

If we had another daughter, I would still continue my MN tradition but instead of [name_u]Lee[/name_u] I would use [name_f]Lia[/name_f] or combine it with my grandmother’s MN and use [name_f]Rosalee[/name_f]. I don’t really like [name_u]Lee[/name_u] with my boy name choices, so I’d likely use another historical or literary hero MN for another son (also partly because I wouldn’t want my current son to be the only kid without a family honor name).

I want to add that I also loved my daughter’s nickname more than her full first name. It’s a meaningful name that very much fits her bold personality, but it’s a little more flowery/princessy than my usual taste. Although it doesn’t reflect my name style that well, I love the meaning for her as a kind of a blessing over her life, and I get to use the nickname way more often irl.

To summarize, the personal significance will always be there if you honor someone, and that can be a positive, but I get that it’s complicated. I do think middle spots are easier for honor names. And there are options if you want to honor indirectly!

[hellobanjo]

I share a middle name with my mom and it’s a positive for me. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is a fourth (!!) and he likes it.

Don’t choose a name you don’t like. Maybe there’s another P name you like or a more subtle connection. You don’t really need to share the meaning with everyone either.

[snowmaiden]

I’m a double honor baby. I’m named for my paternal great-grandmother (middle name) and my maternal great-great-grandmother (first name). I love the connections to my family, though I never met either woman I was named for. Both of my parents adored the women whose names I now wear. I have a passed-down Bible with my name embossed on it, as it was my great-great-grandmother’s. As a child, it excited me a so much to be named after people my parents cherished.

It’s a special and of course tricky line to walk—naming a child after a relative. When I consider naming after my loved ones, I don’t find it as clear-cut as my parents before me. [name_u]Michael[/name_u] is my dad’s name, and, like you, I’d totally give it to my son for a middle. However, my mom’s name… I don’t love. And I don’t love any feminizations of my dad’s name at all. Some ways I think are gorgeous to honor (without directly using a name you’re not in love with) are…
-pick a name from their favorite novel/TV/movie, etc. (My first name also comes from my dad’s childhood favorite book! It happens also to be a maternal family name )
-use their birth month
-use their favorite or birth season as a name
-birth flower
-birthstone
-a name from a favorite song/artist/poet, etc.
-initials!
-a word or color that reminds you of them
-their middle name
-a name using letters from their name (first, or middle+first combined)

Best luck to you Your situation is complex and heartful… no rush to figure out which ways of honoring (if that’s what you choose) feel right to you. There’s always time.

[tori101]

Firstly I’m sorry about the loss of your father

Anyways in my culture is customary to name your child after your ‘elders’ traditionally parents by using the first letter (and desirably last) of their name. I am [name_f]Victoria[/name_f] after my Great Aunt Vladimira, my daughter is [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] named after my mother [name_f]Laura[/name_f] and every member of my family follows this tradition. I actually don’t have any family members who are not named after someone using this tradition. For me I have a lot of fondness for honour names. I love that my daughter is named after such wonderful loved ones and she’ll always have that connection to her family. If I was blessed with anymore children I would also include honour names with their names. In some respects when it came to naming [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] the traditions of my culture were more important for me to follow than my own love for certain names. I was more inclined to use [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] a name that honoured my mum and Ashkenazi heritage rather than [name_f]Iris[/name_f] a name I just genuinely love.

However I do think it’s important to like your child’s name. Of course I’m happy [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] name is traditional to my culture but I also do love [name_f]Lilia[/name_f]. I think [name_f]Lilia[/name_f] is very pretty and she does make me smile. I wouldn’t use a name that doesn’t make me smile because it’s an honour name. I think this is why I like my culture’s custom of using a name that starts with the same letter as your loved one as you still get to use a name you love but also honour loved ones. I actually think this could be a great idea for you to follow. Maybe look at girl names that begin with a ‘P’ as that would offer you a wider pool of options to work with. [name_u]Or[/name_u] maybe names that are inspired by his love of birds or books. Honestly There’s plenty of creative ways to honour loved ones so maybe start looking outside the box a little!

Good luck

[CurlyC]

I love honor names!!! I’m not named after anyone and I wish I was! I always wanted that honorary connection!
I gave all 3 of my kids honor middles & one also has a variant honor name as a first (Reid for a Rita).

You can choose to honor someone any way you choose! Shared initials, shared meanings, nicknames, etc. It only has meaning if you give it meaning!! I would not choose a name you don’t like… just find a different way to honor that person.

Berries always seem to find a new/creative way to make an honor name too

Also a big fan of “smoosh names” to include both sides if you’re worried about offending one side or really just want to include both. I don’t think it takes anything away by altering it… I actually find it more special when you take a piece of something from a relative and make it their own.

Good luck!!!

[Teabelle]

I’m a double honor name after two family members who have now both passed away. I think it’s a nice reminder of my heritage & identity, I think that your mother would understand wanting that connection, especially since he’s not around, even if there was bad feeling between them.

It’s more the memories & the qualities that you feel the name represents that are important (unless this person was extremely violent or abusive in a way that would overshadow all other qualities). I don’t think you need to be a perfect angel in everyone’s eyes to have your name as an honour name, the people I am named after certainly had their problems and we argued sometimes but it doesn’t change the connection to the name & how it connects me to my past & the good times I had with them.

I think an honour name doesn’t have to be literal though, if you’re not connecting with [name_f]Phillipa[/name_f] maybe something similar like [name_f]Phoebe[/name_f] which means light could also work as an honour name. I personally like having an honour name but I wouldn’t feel tied to a particular name if it doesn’t work for you though.

[benton_s_mama]

[name_f]My[/name_f] mom named me after my dad by giving me the same initials as him. Is there another P name that you like more for a girl? Maybe giving her his initials is enough of an honor without it being overly obvious to your mom. I’ve always loved that I have the same initials as my dad. [name_f]My[/name_f] mom considered naming me [name_f]Charlotte[/name_f] since he’s [name_u]Charles[/name_u], but I’m glad she didn’t. I feel like I have a little connection to him while still feeling like I have my own individual name.

[benton_s_mama]

I just had another thought. I gave my youngest the middle [name_f]Azalea[/name_f] to honor my granny. She hated her name, but loved flowers and had massive azaleas in front of her house. Is there anything like that you could use to honor your dad that wouldn’t be super obvious to most people?

[Natawa]

[name_f]My[/name_f] father has also passed and I did feel a bit of an obligation to use his name as a middle name. I wanted to use it, but also felt that pressure. I ultimately did use it as a middle for my son. I used my grandmother’s name as a middle for daughter. [name_f]My[/name_f] grandmother is alive and she felt very honoured. She’s 93 so likely my daughter won’t remember her.

Go with a first name you love! Maybe look at the meaning of [name_m]Philip[/name_m] and pick an honour middle name with a similar meaning. Your mother (I hope) will love your child regardless of the name. All the best!

[Kibby]

I could not be more appreciative of everyone and their well thought out and meaningful responses. Thank you all!

[name_f]Philippa[/name_f] as a name is not completely awful to me, but it’s one that I “learned to love”. The funny thing is that it hits a lot of the boxes that have been mentioned, the name is now even [name_f]Star[/name_f] Trek related, which was something my Dad and I bonded heavily over. [name_u]Pip[/name_u] was a nn my Dad had growing up and [name_f]Pippa[/name_f] is just darling even if I’m not in love with [name_f]Philippa[/name_f], it’s a handsome name that feels adult incase “Pippa” wants a fuller name later on.
One solution that has been mentioned, is something I’ve seen as a bit of a drawback, the P starter. I already have a niece with a P name, who we actually call P, often and have since she was born. P as an initial (and as a person!) feels very “taken” in my family. This is definitely just a me thing, but it’s one reason I’m iffy on [name_f]Philippa[/name_f] too.
His middle name isn’t ideal, the feminine [name_f]Antonia[/name_f] I’m not a fan of, and I’m not sure of other options?

I almost feel guilty giving up on [name_f]Philippa[/name_f], it’s not a bad name, and I honestly don’t have any other real front runners. We are officially trying for a baby again and it’s weighing heavy on my mind! I feel like the honour name almost feels like settling. I suppose I could do something stylistically more fun in the middle. Gah. I have been looking through names today and trying to think deeply on my motivation for honouring my father.

[LeafTree]

[name_f]My[/name_f] middle name is the same as my great grandma’s, and I’ve always really treasured that. She was so loved by my family and I feel a really special connection to her through the name. However, it’s not actually a name I like, I’d have much preferred to have her first name as my middle name. [name_m]Even[/name_m] though I don’t love the name, I love the connection.

I think the situation you are in is tricky, and I don’t think there is necessarily one right or wrong answer. I think an honour name is special, but it doesn’t always have to be the case, being named with names that your (general you) parents love so much is also a really special thing.

I think it’s important to choose a name you love, whether that be an honour name or not. I’d have a think about other ways you could honour your dad in a name, maybe variants of the name, names that sound similar, or a name connected to something he loved.

[kachenka]

[name_f]My[/name_f] middle name was chosen in remembrance of my maternal grandfather who died when my mother was a teenager. [name_f]My[/name_f] mother had her own relationship with her father and it was important to her to pass it on. It seems she also felt a sense of obligation to honour her father in part because my older brother’s middle name honoured my paternal grandfather. This is something she mentioned herself when we talked about how I was named.

I’ve never known my grandfather and still know very little about him but for me the name represents more than the person. It represents my mother’s wishes, my Slavic heritage and it connects me to my family tree in a tangible way. So it feels meaningful to me even though I don’t have a personal relationship with my grandfather.

I’ve long thought that I would use a family name or variation when naming my own child. Past generations have done so and I’ve wanted to continue that tradition. Now that there’s actually a baby to name I find myself wavering at times. [name_f]My[/name_f] father and father-in-law share the same first name so it’s the most straightforward and likely contender. That takes away some of the choice. I wonder if a sense of obligation might come from the feeling of having less choice in the current moment because a decision was already made in the past.

I tend to think that each naming story is different and each child receives something unique to them and their timing. So I wonder if you could reframe these conflicted feelings by looking at [name_f]Philippa[/name_f] as the right name for a different or earlier time.

[Frostivich]

What about [name_f]Priscilla[/name_f] nn [name_f]Pippa[/name_f] it combines the 1st letter of [name_m]Phillip[/name_m] and using the double ll also, and combines the a from [name_m]Anthony[/name_m] at the end, it’s a subtle nod and you get to keep the [name_f]Pippa[/name_f] nickname, I doubt it will offend anyone as it’s not an obvious honour name. Good luck

[Ehrob1]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father.

In my opinion, all families are complex ! And not everyone will love the name you pick, but they will grow to appreciate it as it changes from just a name , to a little tiny baby / person.

I share a middle honour name with my Great Grandma , and my mom who was named after Great grandma . [name_f]My[/name_f] husbands middle name is his grandfathers middle , and he shares that with a few cousins. And our son has 2 middle names , both of which are honours for our grandparents. [name_f]My[/name_f] siblings do not have middle names that honour anyone, but are still beautiful names. [name_f]My[/name_f] sister used my middle as a way to honour me and my mom when she named her daughter

Personally I like when a name has meaning , but YOU get to decide what that meaning is. I think the name [name_f]Phillipa[/name_f]- [name_f]Pippa[/name_f] is lovely. But I also think there are other ways to honour [name_m]Phillip[/name_m], if your worried ( I wouldn’t be it really seems like she’s a perfect name) . What about [name_f]Phoebe[/name_f] or , [name_f]Lili[/name_f] ,

[autumnreverie]

[name_m]Phelps[/name_m] is a surname derived from [name_m]Phillip[/name_m]. It’s different enough to not be obvious to your mom unless she decided to look it up. I think it would work as a middle for a boy or girl.