my partner and i are both transgender people- i am a non-binary/gnc individual and my partner is a trans woman. while we are nowhere near preparing to have children at this point, we thought it would be interesting to hear from other queer/trans people on their experiences with their families.
for example, one of my greatest fears when it comes to having children is having to go through pregnancy and birth- however, unlike the majority of people who bear children most of my anxiety around these experiences stems not from the pain i must endure but rather the discomfort of facing an overwhelmingly gendered experience.
how do pregnant trans and gender-non-conforming people find a supportive prenatal/birth team? how would me, my partner, and our families cope with the adversity that comes with being pregnant as a trans person?
i also worry about what my future children will call me and how we will get people such as doctors, teachers, etc to respect that. if we were to have children, my partner and i have decided that she would be “mommy”, and i would be “mapa”. is it worth it to choose a more “androgynous” name that would only cause confusion and inconvenience to those outside your family, even if it’s what would make you the most comfortable? would our children tire of being forced to explain their parent’s identity?
thank you to anyone who replies to this topic, especially other trans people who have experiences with the things i mentioned above. i greatly appreciate it
(edit to clarify: at this time my partner and i have no intentions of raising our children with they/them pronouns as we personally feel it is unnecessary, however we do plan raise them with all clothes, toys, books, shows, etc without the confines of gender stereotypes until they’re old enough to have preferences of their own. we also plan on exposing them to a wide range of backgrounds and diverse identities <3)
Wether or not you chose to have kids, it sounds like you at least will be an incredible influence to the ones around you.
I’m also trans and I’ll never have kids. I haven’t really looked into it but I’ve heard that midwives tend to be way more accepting and well-read (or at least open to learning) of trans people than doctors. Maybe try to find a good midwife who you feel safe with and who can advocate for you?
I think it’s worth it to find a word you feel comfortable going by. What someone calls you is a big parts of a relationship, and you don’t want to feel bad when your child calls for you. Small kids tend to be cool with other kids’ differing families, and hopefully the world will be better when it’s time for the kid to start school.
Mapa sounds cute. I know there was a kids’ TV program that used to call the parents mapa and pama. It was called “Pipi, Pupu & Rosmary”.
Trans parent to be here! We’re out here. I’ll try to cover as many of your points as I can, let me know if I missed anything!
Pregnancy
Pregnancy has lowkey sucked, but not as much as I’d expected, and mostly for reasons outside of gender. I felt so weird about my bump anyway, just because it’s bizarre to have a person growing inside you, that I barely registered the dysphoria side of it. But it’s different for everyone, and you won’t know how you feel until you experience it. You might enjoy it, honestly. My advice would be (and this goes for anyone who is pregnant tbh):
Surround yourself with a good supportive network where you can.
Be mindful of your mental health and seek help if you are struggling.
Remind yourself that as weird as they are, the changes are only temporary.
Professionals
With healthcare professionals, the key has been gently asserting our boundaries from the start, being patient with well-meaning mistakes, and not taking things too seriously wherever possible. You can tell when people have their heart in the right place, which is most of the time. We each know what we can tolerate and what we can’t. For example, I would never accept a professional intentionally disrespecting my family, but I’m not going to be upset when someone who deals with dozens of mothers at a time accidentally slips and calls me one.
It might still be the case that some don’t understand or you aren’t comfortable with them, and that’s okay. It’s perfectly acceptable and not offensive to ask for a different member of staff if you feel things seriously aren’t clicking.
Navigating being trans and pregnant
As for the adversity that comes with being trans and pregnant - we’ve had it all very lowkey and therefore not really had any backlash. We’ve kept it private and only told most of our family this week, at 30 weeks gestation. As for when we’re out and about, strangers think I’m a guy with a beer belly, or maybe a butch lesbian At least where I live, nobody assumes you are trans. I do hate the idea of people staring at me and trying to figure me out, especially at doctor’s offices or in the street. Unfortunately that’s life - people gossip, but they’ll forget just as quickly. And if they don’t… they’re sad little people with too much time on their hands. So far the worst I’ve dealt with is people giving me confused looks in waiting rooms. Just don’t talk to any media outlets! Some people love to hate.
Labels
As for labels, I think it’s tricky to navigate, but you have to do what works best for your family. Other people in your kids’ life might not get it right away, but the people that matter will get it eventually. As for your kids having to explain it - all kids from queer families have to explain their family dynamics ad nauseum (usually to adults rather than other kids, who just accept whatever they’re told). My lesbian friends’ kids have to clarify the whole “I have two mums” thing all the time, and even then people will assume a stepmum scenario. So I say go for whatever terms work for you!
Just wanted to add, this is word for word our approach! We have no problem acknowledging the sex but we’re not restricting ourselves based on it. We bought 90% of our baby clothes before we found out the sex to avoid feeling any pressure to buy certain styles of things. Our wardrobe, toy and book collection currently represents all sorts of colours, materials, and topics - dresses, dungarees, trucks, dinosaurs, sparkles, flowers, cute little bunnies and everything in between.
Another trans parent-to-be here! I totally understand & relate to all your concerns.
I won’t lie, pregnancy has definitely been dysphoria-inducing for me in some ways, especially because it’s caused certain people in our lives to regress a bit in their understanding of my identity. However, at the same time, it’s been strangely empowering – as a trans person, there’s something inherently comforting about undergoing a physical transformation because of my choices about my own body.
As for dealing with professionals, I can only echo much of what @Archer27 said: it really is all about setting your own boundaries and learning not to sweat the small stuff. Luckily, my OB has been great about everything so far, but we do have to gently remind other staff on occasion. We haven’t run into any major problems, however. If that happens, just remember you don’t have to stay with a certain provider/staff member if it’s not a good fit.
The parent name problem is one I agonized over for a very long time. I ultimately decided my kids would call me “mama” even though I am trans masc, because it was the closest fit for me in what I was comfortable with. To be honest, there will probably as much confusion from others about me as a guy going by “he/him” and “mama” as there would be from you going by “mapa” or any other gender neutral title. So I do think it’s most important to go with what’s most comfortable. I’d much rather my child deal with the occasional raised eyebrow from a stranger than deal with a parent who’s insecure or uncomfortable about a key element of our relationship.
Also, we have the same approach to gender topics with our family. We are using she/her pronouns for our daughter for the time being, but we will encourage her to express herself however she chooses and help her celebrate diversity in the world.
[name_f]Hope[/name_f] this was helpful, and don’t hesitate to reach out if you’d like.
I will never understand why people get so hung up on what toys, clothes, colours, etc, kids enjoy 
At least where I live, nobody assumes you are trans. I do hate the idea of people staring at me and trying to figure me out, especially at doctor’s offices or in the street. Unfortunately that’s life - people gossip, but they’ll forget just as quickly. And if they don’t… they’re sad little people with too much time on their hands. So far the worst I’ve dealt with is people giving me confused looks in waiting rooms. Just don’t talk to any media outlets! Some people love to hate.
