Trying and failing to please everyone

know, I know, we aren’t supposed to care, and I’ve tried that, but I [name_f]DO[/name_f] care. I tried to keep our ideas secret but was nagged so much I gave in and started talking about the names.

[name_f]Valentina[/name_f] for example - [name_m]Ive[/name_m] heard “it’s too latin” “it’s too strong” “it’s too girly” “it’s horrible”

[name_f]Heidi[/name_f] - “too german” “too european” “too girly” “too middle aged woman”

There are people that like [name_f]Heidi[/name_f] and people that like [name_f]Valentina[/name_f], but overall they didn’t get good reactions.

[name_f]Valentina[/name_f] is a name that I [name_u]LOVE[/name_u], but hearing all the criticisms makes me doubt everything. I’m hormonal and emotional and keep picturing the face that my mum made over facetime when I told her about [name_f]Valentina[/name_f]. She looked horrified.

I want my family, my husband’s family and my friends to all love the name. I know that isn’t possible, so how do I stop myself from caring?

You poor thing! Naming is such a hard process already.

Firstly, bear in mind that names are always going through trends, and right now for those in the thick of the naming process, [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] may not be the most common suggestion, but it’s CERTAINLY not one most would bat an eye at either! Your family members aren’t in the thick of the process and aren’t as aware of the trends, so I’m sure [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] is a bit more out there for them.

Once your mom has a real human grandbaby in her arms, she’s not going to care if her name is Trashcan, and what’s more, I bet once she’s looking into that beautiful baby girl’s eyes, she would think Trashcan is a beautiful name for a beautiful baby girl. And even if she doesn’t, once there’s a real live baby in the picture, she certainly won’t say anything about it.

I recommend setting some boundaries to help avoid getting your feelings hurt. Either:

  • stop sharing (when they nag you, give them a boring name or two everyone likes and say you’re still deciding between them)
  • limit the number of people you share with (honestly, naming is such a personal process and a matter of personal taste, it really is amazing that two parents can ever agree on a name, let alone extended family and friends)
  • come up with a system that allows feedback that isn’t as personal or hurtful – for example, ask for a 1-5 or 1-10 rating of the name, but no commentary or name associations.

Or some combination of those solutions!

Have you spoken with your mom and/or other loved ones about how their reactions are making you feel? If you can’t let go of [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] or [name_f]Heidi[/name_f], but find yourself unable to get over their reactions – if you think they will be receptive and more supportive once they know how hurt you are about it, it’s worth a try.

Wishing you the best of luck!

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Those are some great suggestions above!

I agree that sharing is really hard. It’s also difficult because everyone and their neighbor asks what you’re going to name the baby and when you tell them you haven’t decided they press you for names your considering. Each person has their own personal idea of what the perfect name sounds like. You see the sparkle in their eye when they ask because they secretly hope you have the same taste and you can swoon over the names together. It’s a bit soul crushing when you tell them a name you’re considering and they have a bland reaction or worse, a bad reaction. Especially if they are a close family member!!

I remember telling my best friend my short list for our daughter and she blatantly made fun of my favorite option. Well, guess what my daughter’s name is and guess who knows exactly what my best friend thinks about it? I can tell, now, it embarrasses her and she loves my daughter. The same could happen with your mother. It’s easy to dislike a name when there is not a real baby attached to it yet. It’s also easy to pass judgement when you’re not the one doing the naming because everything seems like a “better” option. I had so many on my list before I found out I was having a girl, then the moment they said I was having a girl, most of the names fell off my list.

Definitely limit the amount of people you tell. Also, if you really love a name most of the criticism won’t bother you too much. I would hear a lot of things about each name I liked and I knew that if the comment really colored the name for me then it wasn’t the right name. Once I found my daughter’s name, even the negative things random people would say didn’t change how much I loved the name. [name_f]Every[/name_f] name will have someone saying something negative. [name_m]Even[/name_m] classics like [name_f]Elizabeth[/name_f] and [name_f]Katherine[/name_f] have haters.

Stay strong. [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] is an absolutely gorgeous classic sophisticated name.

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My rule when telling my family names is that they are allowed to tell me which name they like better, but they are not allowed to tell me that they dislike a name on our list. You can sometimes see it in their face, but it’s a good way to avoid the negative comments that may sway you from choosing the name you love. My other strategy is when they press for names I give them names that are way out there like [name_f]Glimmer[/name_f], Xanthippe, or [name_f]Apple[/name_f] so that any name I end up using seems normal in comparison.

Talk to your mom about being open to names since it’s your decision, not hers. And I agree that once your family and friends are able to put a face to the name they will love the name because they will love your daughter and begin to associate it with her. Choose the name that you and your husband love.

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Too strong? Horrible? I fail to understand. Both [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] and [name_f]Heidi[/name_f] are absolutely gorgeous. Let them know that you love the names you love and you hope they respect your decision. And I agree with previous suggestion, limit the sharing. Good luck. :slight_smile:

I love both names! I don’t think you can go wrong either way, they are gorgeous!

Once your daughter is here and named, no one will really care after that what their initial reaction was so I would try not to stress out too much about opinions. If those are the names you and your SO have chosen, then go with it!

I do, however, like the suggestion of giving really out there names like [name_f]Apple[/name_f] and [name_f]Glimmer[/name_f] lol.

I think they’re both fine names, not too out there. In fact, I think Heidi Valentina sounds great together.

I think with a lot of people, especially ones who aren’t namenerds, most names are “out there” if they don’t hear it everyday. And like PP have said, once the baby is born they won’t be making those comments, at least if they’re decent humans.

I made the mistake of showing my mom my name list this past week. It wasn’t awful but ugh, thinking I should have kept it secret. Ended up deleting one name b/c it’s apparently my stepdad’s ex wife’s name, made a note on another name that my mom definitely didn’t like(Olive), and then the rest was comments like “I can’t pronounce that”(even though I said it out loud for her) or “you know I call my grandchildren by their middle name; I’m supposed to call them ‘insert name here’?” Ugh.

ETA: I just realized that whole calling kids by their middle name isn’t even completely true. She does call me and my sister by our middle name, but she only has two grandchildren and the first one she calls by his nickname. He’s Ezekiel Charles and she calls him Zeke. So obviously she could call this one by their first name too. And my daughter she calls her Gwen instead of Gwendolyn.
My mom just let it be known that she doesn’t like the name Terra, but she didn’t tell me that when I was pregnant with her, she just told me she liked my second name choice more. (It was Aurora.)

Ooh, love the suggestion above of [name_f]Heidi[/name_f] [name_f]Valentina[/name_f]!

I think [name_f]Heidi[/name_f] [name_u]Valentine[/name_u] would be a beautiful name :slight_smile:

Choose [name_f]Valentina[/name_f] and from then on, think of the name as set and ignore what people say.

From now on, if I was you, I would only share with 2 or 3 really loved and respected people, say your mom, a sister and maybe one friend. Mom’s can be out of the loop sometimes, even though they are often whose opinion we care most about. [name_f]Sister[/name_f]'s and friends are often more with it, but again with all of them, take their opinions with a pinch of salt. Personally for me my mom doesn’t have to love the name, I just don’t want her to hate it :slight_smile:

For what it’s worth, I have a two month old daughter named [name_f]Astrid[/name_f] [name_u]Valentine[/name_u] and a sister named [name_f]Heidi[/name_f], so I think your choices are great. I went through the same thing-- wanting to share but also getting some negative reactions. Any name is bound to get negatives and positives. After awhile, I just started telling people that we didn’t have a name but thought the right one would come to us when we saw her. Now that she is born, people often have a strange reaction to [name_f]Astrid[/name_f] but others really love it. Finally I realized that the ones who don’t care for it (or who have never heard it before) don’t tend to have taste that I agree with. Meanwhile, those who love it, tend to be people whose taste I respect. And of course now I can’t imagine she could possibly have any other name. We think her name is stunning and ultimately that is what matters.

Both are lovely names. It’s easy for them to dismiss them because they aren’t naming a baby. I think you’ve had a lot of good suggestions. In the end, you need to please yourself. If they get to put in their two cents worth on this, they are going to get worse when the baby arrives. There are some people who are going to be negative, no matter what, and you need to keep that in mind.


[name_f]Valentina[/name_f] and [name_f]Heidi[/name_f] are both good strong names. I like them both, but I prefer [name_f]Valentina[/name_f]. You should do what you want, but if you need their support ask them what they like and get a feel for it because maybe you like a similar name or like a name that has the same meaning.

I have a pushy/opinionated sister who didn’t follow directions.when told to tell me which of three names she liked best, but the three other people told me without issue and even combined the names together when all the names were first names, so it gave me something new to think about. One of my favorite names was chosen as a middle name more than once, which keeps it in the running as a family names for future generations to enjoy. I told my sister she didn’t need to hem and haw over all the aspects of each name, but she blatantly told me she had nothing better to do–lol. So next time I saw her I explained what the people above already mentioned, that she will love the baby and it will be the baby’s name and only that baby’s name once it is born, so no one will comment then. I also told her it will be a surprise as to which name will be chosen because people are not making it fun. So I guess some people just need to be dealt with directly and don’t take the social cues when criticism isn’t appreciated! One adjustment to parenting is how it brings families together and our happiness may be determined by the strong boundaries we set. I know my mother never asked her mom what to name their baby, but seemed uber insulted that I didn’t seem excited about her suggestion of “[name_f]Audi[/name_f]”, pronounced “Odd-ee”, as in Odd kid! Giving them all the benefit of the doubt, they just want to get excited and feel involved in this exciting time, so maybe you can channel their energy elsewhere. I am having my sister knit a blanket, so it made being honest easier, as she wouldn’t feel so unneeded, even if that’s how I am feeling. Which brings me to my last point, boundaries includes limiting time spent with people who you find difficult or who leave you feeling worse after you have been with them, even if or especially if they are family.

Be very careful in telling people the name you’ve chosen. My daughter told a pregnant friend, the friend delivered first and USED THE NAME for her baby.

[name_m]Just[/name_m] say you are going to name the baby [name_f]Christina[/name_f] and call her [name_f]Tina[/name_f]. Then when you send out the birth announcements for [name_f]Valentina[/name_f], you can say…She’s still [name_f]Tina[/name_f] but we just jazzed it up a bit. :slight_smile:

Everything she says. You name your child what you want. I’ve told two people, only two names we like and nothing else is anyone else business. My grandmother would have a conniption if I told her our names. But put a baby in their hands and say their names and watch their reaction. A little different. :smiley: go for it woman!!

Stop sharing the names you’re considering. Family and friends are far less likely to give negative feedback once the name is attached to the sweet little baby they’re holding.