Congratulations!!
@YumyanHammerpaw So sorry to hear about your dad… I don’t think that’s selfish at all, that’s precisely the reason I’m going to try as hard as I can to have 3 kids. [name_f]My[/name_f] experience being an only child is terrible, I’m not going into any more details but I’d rather not have any kids at all than to have only one. I’m aware not all only childs have awful childhoods, but it hurts just to imagine a child of mine being as alone as I was.
@K_rassy13 OMG congratulations!! That’s amazing!!
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I’ve missed a lot! Whoo boy. Congratulations, @K_rassy13, that’s amazing, wonderful news!
@AISP, thanks for your kind words. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve been through.
@_thelittlefairywren, even if it’s not a BFP this cycle, your symptoms seem to indicate that your body is producing progesterone like it should after ovulation, so things are in working order? [name_f]Hope[/name_f] you can take some comfort in that thought.
@LiliMorgana, I thought you provided great insight about how every birth is different and planning/worrying can only help so much.
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@YumyanHammerpaw Yeah, my cycle is pretty steady these days. I did have symptoms of low progesterone for a long time when I can of hormonal birth control in 2017, but that’s all slowly sorted itself out. I know my cycle pattern really well, which is so handy for TTC.
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Lots to catch up on!
@K_rassy13, eek so excited for you!!! Congrats!
Yup, this. And then I feel like I’m being gaslit a bit. Like… the increased risks are still there… I don’t think I’m crazy for thinking a lower body weight would be better for me longterm, but people can make you feel that way.
Yes, of course.
I actually do think that legitimately helped me during pregnancy, though. I think I put all that overthinking to good use and really had a plan for how I personally would handle every little thing. I had a less than one-page birth plan for the case of hospital transfer with just a few bullet points on it… but my real birth and postpartum plan was 23 pages long. Detailed down to… If I am GBS+ and have PROM and meconium, here is what I will advocate for myself and baby. If I am GBS- and have PROM and there are signs of meconium, this is how long I’m willing to wait to go on antibiotics unless I see 2 markers of legitimate infection… Like… it was a lot, but doing all that research REALLY helped me come to terms with things. I am super happy that practically every little thing DID go to my plan AA, but the thinking that I had to go through to get to plan XYZ for me and feel like “If this happened I’d be OK with this because I’d know I did everything I could to make it not this way from the get-go” really helped me and I learned so much and felt like all my choices were going to be my own. And going down all those rabbit holes also meant I actually practically did some things very differently during pregnancy knowing that I was more likely to have the outcomes I wanted if I did those things. Some things I wouldn’t even have known about if it weren’t for researching the outcomes I wanted to avoid. I love the [name_m]Dwight[/name_m] D. Eisenhower quote, “Planning is everything. The plan is nothing.” It was all about knowing how to advocate for myself (and for my doula and husband and midwife to do the same) if seemingly uncontrollable situations were to have arisen.
I think the hardest part is that I didn’t tell my friend to do the same and come to her own terms of what she would be comfortable with. I didn’t want to overstep boundaries knowing that her birth was automatically going to look different from mine and that she would make different choices from me. But instead of telling her, “Hey, look into this stuff so you know what to expect just in case,” I just let her go about her way. So when her plans A and B didn’t work out and she got to plan C that she had actively avoided giving thought to and with situations she had no idea to even expect because we aren’t doctors, she feels like she lost complete control of the situation and all she could do was nod along to what the healthcare providers were telling her to do. I know I would feel completely disempowered in that situation if I didn’t already know what to expect. It is making me feel like I messed up as her friend. I knew what to expect, and even if she would’ve had the same outcome (unplanned cesarean)… that outcome didn’t have to look or feel the same way (like a failure) if she had been in the drivers’ seat. Ugh… it is really bothering me.
I think the most important part of it all is knowing the ways in which things might not be in your control. I’ve seen “going with the flow” and “I’m going to trust in my body” hurt so many people. I honestly believe it takes more prep than that and then the FINAL surrender is about going with the flow and trusting your body, AFTER all that other work has happened.
I SOOOO hope my BFF’s next birth is different. I know I’m going to have fewer inhibitions myself in talking things through with her (in whatever ways I can do without creating/augmenting shame).
@_thelittlefairywren… sorry about the caving and testing too early. It is the final days that REALLY get to you. The longer you wait the harder it becomes. The first few days I found to be comparatively breezy (I think as you did, based on your previous comments) in part because you KNOW it is too soon to know. But as you approach the end of that TWW you’re like… “well, maybe I would see a positive.” This stuff is such a whirlwind of emotions and really messes with you. [name_f]Hope[/name_f] you’re able to test again soon and know that whatever the test says is accurate. And of course I hope it’s the result you WANT!
Oh, gosh. Same, same, same. Only child. Want 3 kids. I’m SOOOOO relieved to have 2 now. Probably the biggest sense of relief I have ever felt. Because I felt just like you… it would be better for ME to have none than to have one, even with all the ways I know I would try to compensate with my parenting of an only child and do things similarly or more often EXTREMELY differently from how I was raised. This is no offense to anybody who is one-and-done by choice (or by de facto fertility). Everybody just wants their own version of “the best” for their children and my version of that does not include only childhood.
Exactly! Any additional weight stresses the body in some way, and also isn’t weight loss an individual choice? Why does everyone else think they need to approve what size I want to be?? 
[name_f]My[/name_f] Dad is a killer for this. When I was a teen, I was super skinny / body conscious and he’d tell me to be careful and eat better foods, etc, etc… and now, he’s all “you used to look after yourself”, “you used to care how you look”. I could scream. 
I do care how I look, but I’ve also learnt that it’s about what I’m comfortable with not what everyone else wants.
100%! I went from “it’s fine” to “omg hurry up” in like 24 hours. So strange! I’m 10DPO tomorrow and my BBT should start to drop if my period’s on the way, so I’ll see what tomorrow brings. What’s the bet my LP is a bit longer this cycle just to stress me out lol #murphyslaw 
If I don’t get a drop, my plan is to test on [name_m]Thursday[/name_m]. 
I am no longer an only child, and I can relate to this feeling too! [name_m]Even[/name_m] though I have a sibling now, we are so far apart in age that it took a long time to get any kind of bond (honestly, only since I moved out has it improved). There was also so much pressure in my family to be the “responsible older sibling” that I feel like I was a guardian more than a sibling. It played a massive part in why I didn’t want children for a long time - l felt like I’d practically already raised someone! I want my children to be close and enjoy a relationship with each other as just siblings. I don’t want them to ever feel the way I did.
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@K_rassy13 CONGRATS!!! [name_m]How[/name_m] awesome!
Thanks everyone for the support/feedback about my job. It’s harder I think because I’m a teacher, and it can be hard for schools to find new teachers, particularly part-way through the school year. I also feel that responsibility to my class and to their wellbeing and academic progress. And my job have been so good to me in many many ways. But also… I’m missing out on precious time with my child that I’ll never get back. I wish they’d let me job share and just do 3 or 4 days a week, though I know they might also find it tricky to get someone to do those days.
With the weight loss stuff - I guess it’s possibly not the the norm to lose weight after having a baby! It may be partly due to my job - always on my feet. I guess I just wanted to throw an alternative out there as it seems like so many people seem so worried about weight before baby… I think maybe focusing on weight loss scares me because I got a bit obsessive about it at one point in my life and went through years of disordered eating, and while I’m heavier now (and was even heavier before baby), I am SO much happier with worrying less about what and how much I eat or exercise and how I look but being mindful of how my body feels.
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This is a very valid reason for having a mindful and relaxed approach to weight loss. I’m sorry you had those tough times in your past - that must have been really difficult. I know what it’s like to be completely insecure about your body, and I’d never wish that on someone. I’m so glad you feel better in yourself and happier with the way things are now. 
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Exactly this 
Congratulations on your two kids 
I am also looking forward to the moment I have two to feel relieved
Good plan. FAM is the best, isn’t it? By 15 days of high temps you can be pretty darn sure you’re pregnant. That’s when I tested the one and only time. I really hope [name_m]Thursday[/name_m] brings good news.
This is totally valid. I was just listening to a podcast the other day about how pregnancy is totally inundated with the same ideologies and problematic consumerism as diet culture. It is basically the only (hopefully) time in our lives that someone else (our healthcare provider) weighs us so frequently (usually at every prenatal appt) and then gives an assessment of our weight, even if that is just, “OK your weight gain looks good since last time.” It is a recipe for fixation/disordered eating habits/guilt and shame/orthorexia, usually in a way that continues after pregnancy is over.
I was happy to have a provider who never physically weighed me. She asked me at our first appt about how much I weighed before pregnancy. When I had pretty severe morning sickness and threw up almost every day for weeks on end, she asked if I felt I was losing weight. As I approached term she asked how much I thought I had gained up to that point and if I had suddenly put on weight (sign of preeclampsia or HELLP) and a few days after the birth she asked me how much I weighed then. It made me feel really good, particularly knowing for certain that the quality of my care had absolutely nothing to do with my weight. She knew from my other data points (blood pressure, urinalysis, etc.) that I was healthy and could see from my physical presence/body changes as well. I know many women who have been shamed for gaining too much or too little between appointments, but every body is so different and every pregnancy is so different, too.
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@hyacinthbucket Yes! FAM is the best! I wish every woman had the opportunity to understand her body on that level. It’s so useful and I love how there’s no surprises. 
Thank you!
Update: As predicted, my BBT didn’t plummet this morning like it usually does by now… so now I’m feeling on edge and trying not to get my hopes up too much… 
I feel as though the likelihood after just one cycle is miniscule and am a bit scared of getting too hopeful too soon. I feel exhausted and emotional at the end of one TWW, and have new admiration for those on long TTC journeys. Y’all are amazing! I can see why sometimes you need to take a break. 
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I think we’ve come to the agreement (finally) that we’re having another one. In which case he wants the smallest age gap possible between #3 and #4 so we were talking about TTC in [name_u]January[/name_u], in [name_f]October[/name_f], in [name_u]August[/name_u], and then yesterday he hit me with “why don’t we just rip the bandaid off and get on with it?” I’m due to get my period any day and then he wants to “see what happens.” Our track record with previous pregnancies has been first or second try, so “see what happens” might very well mean baby. Which is great. I want a baby, right? But this has blindsided me a bit after SO much back-and-forth for months that it might be happening and all of a sudden it’s happening now. A small age gap would be great and I can lose a little weight still and those things I wanted to get to I could do pregnant… I’m just so stunned. So I don’t know what’s going to happen but we might be TTC this month now. Surprised? I am.
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@LiliMorgana 
Oh wow! What an exciting turn of events! Well, I do hope it’s exciting for you. Last minute change of plans tend to throw me for a loop, so I’d very much understand if you feel that way. Are you feel content with the new plan? You can definitely do things while expecting, but I can understand rather doing them prior as well. Whatever the case, I hope you’re happy with the outcome.
@_thelittlefairywren Thanks. I am a planner and I tend to latch onto things when I think they’ll be a certain way, so it takes me a bit to sort of come to terms with change, big or small. I’ll be excited in time but right now I’m flooded with a lot of other emotions, I guess. Especially since this will be our last baby so every stage now is the final time, which is weird. It’s weird to be closing the door on pregnancy and babies and have that part of your life over. Not necessarily bad weird, just weird.
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Soooo just finished my first appointment with the new RE (fertility specialist). He thinks the reason for all the miscarriages could be scar tissue from my emergency D & C years ago (hemorrhaged after giving birth to DD). I hadn’t even considered that! It can be fixed, sort of – the scar tissue can be removed, but it usually grows back. After removal, there is still like a 50/50 shot of miscarrying or even stillbirth if the lining is so damaged that the placenta detaches…and that can happen at any point in the pregnancy. It wouldn’t be like before when I couod breathe a sigh of relief at week 14. It could happen at any time. You guys, I am SCARED. Too scared to get hopeful or excited. [name_f]My[/name_f] DH is so nonchalant. He wants more kids but thinks it will all magically work out. I got really great vibes from this doctor – I guess just looking for realistic reassurance?
Well. The worst has happened. I lost the baby this morning. It was very early, so it was a chemical pregnancy miscarriage but…I am emotionally drained.
I’m going to see how/if ovulation happens this month and then maybe try again in [name_u]August[/name_u].
@K_rassy13, I’m so, so sorry. This is a big loss, and whatever you’re feeling is valid. We’re here for you.
@YumyanHammerpaw I would be scared too, that’s a lot to take in. If you feel good about this doctor, I would ask any questions you have and try to paint a picture of what pregnancy will look like now. If you can see yourself coping with that, then you can only try. It might be okay, it might not, but it’s not your fault this happened. Look at it like going in willfully to a high-risk pregnancy. It’s trickier and scarier but many women who are high risk still manage to have healthy babies, right? There’s just more to think about this time.Bottom line: do what you’re comfortable with. This is a lot to deal with over the course of 9 months when it could turn at any point. Maybe extra tests would make you feel more comfortable? Extra ultrasounds to check progress each step of the way? Having a doctor you trust makes things so much easier though. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.
@K_rassy13 I’m so sorry this happened. I had a similar experience in between my first two pregnancies. I got a positive test and started bleeding that night. The doctor said I was pregnant but barely by the time I saw him for confirmation. But I didn’t even have a period after that, I conceived again immediately after and it was a healthy pregnancy and my son is three now. So because it’s so early it’s almost a hidden blessing (at a stretch of course, because it’s a horrible experience, but I hope you know what I mean) in that you can probably try again really soon. Take care of yourself. It is very draining. Give yourself all the time you need, I’m thinking of you. <3
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@LiliMorgana, that’s excellent advice, thank you! I’ll report back in a few weeks with what I find out. I love what you said about comparing it to going into a high risk pregnancy from the start. I mean, plenty of women have multiples or get pregnant when they’re a little older, for example, so I wouldn’t be alone in the high risk category. That’s comforting, in a way. Like sisterhood.
@K_rassy13, wanted to add that one of my livebirths was conceived immediately after early miscarriage. However, I spent the 1st trimester scared and grieving. If you need or want to take a break, you can. If you need or want to keep going, you can do that too, and end up with a perfectly healthy kid at the end of it. That won’t replace or erase the baby you’ve lost, or the hopes and dreams you may have envisioned for this specific pregnancy. It may help to name the baby? I have tried it both ways (naming vs. not naming) and there is no correct or incorrect way to grieve. The early nature of the loss doesn’t mean it isn’t still a loss. “A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
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