Well, it looks like we may have an indication why I haven’t been getting pregnant - it seems my husband’s sperm count may be quite low. After the last cycle didn’t work, again, we bought a fairly fancy home sperm test just to “rule that out”. Honestly I hadn’t seriously considered for a second the idea that the issue could be him and not me. Well we did the test last night and it came back that his sperm count is below the 10th percentile. Mind you, there were some bubbles on the testing slide that weren’t supposed to be there, so that may be lower than it actually is, but I think either way it is pretty clear that his sperm are not doing great.
[name_f]My[/name_f] fertile window starts this weekend so we will try this time and once I have ovulated we will repeat the sperm test to see if we get the same results and if so we will make an appointment for a real sperm analysis. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband also I think is realizing he needs to make changes to his diet and exercise, but we will see if he actually follows through with that.
I am really struggling to determine how to feel about this. I am trying to reassure my husband that the test probably wasn’t completely accurate, which is true, and that we should repeat it to confirm, which is also true, but man. This is hard. Somehow the idea that the issue could be him is just an enormous shock to me. I have had a gut feeling something wasn’t right, and I would have been sad if it was me but I would have done whatever I had to do, and wouldn’t even have been that upset if we needed donor eggs. However I don’t get to fully decide that for him, and I don’t know what he would want to do if this isn’t something that can be improved with lifestyle changes. IUI and hope one makes it? Go all the way to IVF? Donor sperm? A slight silver lining is that he has 3 brothers, and the one that is most like him in looks and personality already has a child, so perhaps he would be an option. That’s a hard thought, though - I don’t care at all if I am genetically related to our children, but somehow the idea of them not being my husband’s is crushing.
Sorry for this brain dump - I have been mentally spiraling for 12 hours. [name_f]My[/name_f] husband is handling this right now by being extra funny and goofy, and I am trying to keep it fairly light too so that I don’t inadvertently sound like I am blaming him, which I am not. If he won’t follow through on lifestyle changes that may help it will get a lot harder, but at this point it could even be a genetic issue he has no control over.
Take a breath!!! I can tell you are definitely running through this at record breaking pace in your head. I think the first step is to book a proper semen analysis, and ASAP. I understand wanting to wait for ovulation and another chance but you are clearly stressing out hard, the appointment can always be canceled if you do conceive this month, but at least you’ll have it booked sooner if you don’t.
There are SO many options if it is a low sperm count issue, but there are other issues that can plague sperm as well. Keep in mind the timing of the test matters, whether or not he’s been ejaculating often, if he’s take hot baths, and any number of factors. It could have just been a one time blip or a bad test. If it is an issue going forward, there are a lot of steps before considering donor sperm, (though I feel like with some men it becomes a pride thing.) I think an IUI is the first clinical solution to consider, where they just help his sperm find the egg.
In the interim, I’d recommend trying PreSeed lubricant and definitely the health and lifestyle changes. Make sure he’s also taking vitamins, they are just as important for mens fertility as they are for ours!
I’m sorry for the stress you are feeling, but I’m hoping that this doesn’t end up being an issue for you guys!!
Hello, I’ve been reading your updated and I appreciate everyone’s vulnerability in sharing this journey!
It’s been a roller coaster of a month since the miscarriage. It seems like most people can’t wait to try again, but we feel like we’ve been knocked back down to step one of being unsure if we want to add a third child. We’re a bit more hopeful about what jobs will look like next year, so I think we’re leaning towards “yes”. The holiday season with its [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] pajamas and traditions always gets me in a baby mood, so that lean might get stronger We’re thinking about trying again next month. With my current cycle, our date to take a pregnancy test would be [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] day! That probably shouldn’t weigh into a decision to create life, but it does seem magical!
@Beort12
I second everything Kibby said. A proper test done in a professional environment under the right conditions and interpreted by a professional should be the next step. With how many factors can lead to inaccurate results, it may be premature to worry just yet. Male factor infertility is real. A study I found (Trends of male factor infertility, an important cause of infertility: A review of literature - PMC) estimates that around half of all cases of infertility is caused by male factor infertility, which is much higher than I thought, but it isn’t nearly as uncommon as one would think.
No matter what is going on with either of you, I hope you can get some answers soon. Remember that this is something you are battling together and, regardless of what tests show, it is no one’s “fault”. It is an unfair, unfortunate situation and one that can take a toll on one mentally. My friends who deal with MFI have told me it is especially hard on the men because of societal concepts of manhood and masculinity and men often feel like the fixers and this is something they can’t do much about. That could be why he’s acting funny but I don’t know.
@jk_garrison ugh, the little jammies and all of that get me too! Christmas Day would absolutely be magical to find out!
As for me, my period ended up coming yesterday. Seriously, I had just set the timer after doing a test and realized I was bleeding. What timing… but hey, this cycle was 41 days which was better than the 78 day cycle that came before it! I’m happy about that but am not particularly optimistic about conceiving this cycle. It would be a wonderful surprise but it just seems very unlikely.
Hahaha [name_f]Alyssa[/name_f]! It is SO common for me to pee on a stick then wipe and be like, oh, nevermind. I’ve started peeing in cups before opening a test at this point. Maybe TMI but after so many years I’ll do a finger swipe of the inner workings and that can make it pretty clear real fast that there’s no point in opening a test Getting pregnant is fun and so sexy
Are you still accepting people in this group or should I create a TTC 2023 topic?
We’ve been TTC for only a couple of months now, but I’m going on 35 so prepared for it to take some time. We’re really hoping for a 2023 baby. Our first is turning 5 already!
No big updates from me, except that we got our first actually positive OPK. Before now the lines on the OPK have been getting darker as ovulation approaches, but I’ve never had one strong enough to be a tehnically real positive (as in, darker than the control line rather than just “the darkest it’s going to get”). I don’t know if that really means anything for our fertility, but I’m still pleased anyway It’s nice when things go as they’re supposed to for once!
Having a little freak out about age gaps and don’t want to start a whole thread about it but want to get it out somewhere so hope here is ok… feel free to weigh in anyone who reads this even of you aren’t ttc!
Summary
We’ve had [name_u]November[/name_u] on the calendar as our ttc month for ages and we’re both super clucky and excited to get started. We got pregnant on our first try with #1 though so on one hand I’m thinking start now cause it could take 6 months but on the other I’m thinking wow I could be pregnant by the end of the year.
[name_f]Flora[/name_f] turned 1 in Oct so if we were successful this month we’d have a 22 month age gap. That’s actually quite big compared to the families around us (we have 3 in our community with 17-18 month age gaps so we felt we were being conservative). But I’m suddenly freaking out that it’s not big enough for us.
Some pros and cons…
22 months seems young enough that [name_f]Flora[/name_f] wouldn’t fully know what was happening or ever remember not having a sibling. Not quite in the terrible 2 stage and a fair way away from the emotional 3s. We’re still in babyland over here, all the baby clothes are still in the drawers, crib is set up and we wouldn’t have a long of reorienting to do.
[name_f]Flora[/name_f] has a great relationship with my partner’s parents and has been spending a lot of time there while I work on my PhD during the week. She’s super comfortable with them and has no separation anxiety because of it, but she’s never had to go to daycare or anything so not actually sure how she would react if I suddenly wasn’t available. I also feel guilty at how much time she’s been spending there recently and wonder if we’re not as close as we could/should be and throwing another in the mix would further expand that gap. It’s so hard watching our babies become independent
We’ve only JUST started sleeping through the night and feeling semi-normal. [name_f]My[/name_f] body is almost at my pre-pregnancy weight, though not fitness. I had an emergency c-section so there was quite a bit of recovery to do. I plan to do everything I can for a natural birth second time. I think nutritionally I am ok, I don’t feel super depleted, but I’m sure I could benefit from another few months of physical preparation and replenishment…
Practically, we have things to think about next year like our wedding in [name_f]April[/name_f] and, well, other than making progress in my PhD that’s about it really. If we waited till [name_f]April[/name_f] to start TTC we’d have a 26+ month age gap which could also be nice, but I’m going to be 34 soon and if we want to have a third (our ideal number at this point) we don’t have a huge amount of time left…
I dunno. At this stage it’d be really hard to stop ourselves from trying even though I can see the benefits of waiting a bit longer. At the same time, we don’t know how TTC will go, and how many chances we’ll even get with our demanding toddler around! [name_f]My[/name_f] partner said it’s probably not something we want to think too hard about considering all the factors (possibility of not concieving right away, miscarrying etc) and we should probably just start trying. Maybe he’s right! I do appreciate his enthusiasm bit he’s not the one who has to go through the pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding all night for years and all the mum guilt heh
The age gap thing is so hard! I never realized how many factors went into it until after I had my son. Like, I used to want as small of an age gap as possible so they’d be close but that’s just not even dipping a toe in the water of considerations. Finances, mental health, physical health of the pregnant parent, housing, vehicles, the economy, etc…
[name_f]My[/name_f] peers are mostly from church or similar groups I’ve met over time. The norm amongst them is to basically get pregnant by the time each baby turns 1. If I were to get pregnant this month, my son and the new baby would be a little less than 3.5 years apart. Very countercultural unfortunately infertility is part of our story again but I honestly love the idea of this age difference now!
[name_f]My[/name_f] son is with me full time (no daycare, no babysitter, no unaccompanied family time) and I wouldn’t trade this time with him in favor of having to split my attention while he was so still little. [name_u]New[/name_u] babies require so much attention, work, etc that I know I couldn’t have handled it.
Healing from a c-section, trying to get my health back on track, my husband’s work schedule changing, kiddo learning some independence, a complete ridiculous sleep situation and so on… we’ve gone through a lot. I’m thankful for how our situation has played out so far. I only recently feel like I’m capable of parenting 2. I think that is more important than having kids as soon as possible and hoping they’ll be close, imo. (The family I was born into, yeah, age gaps and closeness meant nothing. The closest siblings are around 20 years apart. The most distant are around 18 months apart.)
But it is different for everyone. [name_f]Every[/name_f] family and every parent is different. [name_f]Every[/name_f] child is different. I know people in all sorts of situations that end up either adjusting and rocking it or crashing and burning.
No real advice, I guess, other than to communicate how you are feeling with your partner and keep your doctor in the loop (we’ve done pre-TTC labs to make sure my body is in a good place for getting pregnant again). I’m sure it’ll work out
@elleplume I think your partner is right on not overthinking it. [name_f]Do[/name_f] you feel ready to have another kid now? If yes, keep trying. If not, give yourself the time you need.
I was freaking out thinking I was almost 35 and because there would be such a big age gap between our kids (5 years minimum, not by choice but that’s how it is), and then I realized how many wonderful families around me had their first kid around 37-38 and then still got a second kid before or around 40, and maybe it really doesn’t matter that much in the end.
Totally feel you on the complexity of deciding when to add another child. Before we started trying we were hoping to have 3-5 children, ideally spaced about 1.5-2 years apart (for a lot of the same reasons you listed). Now we’ve actually had the experience of struggling with TTC, it’s become a lot less clear. I honestly can’t imagine doing this month in month out while looking after a baby or a toddler. Never mind several times over… I kind of never want to do this again at all, honestly . Being one and done is looking seriously tempting, but SO says we should wait and see how we feel when our first child is actually here…
Anyway, regarding your situation specifically - I think 22 months and 26 months are close enough to be similar in terms of the benefits and drawbacks. At either age [name_f]Flora[/name_f] is unlikely to remember life before her sibling. And if it helps at all, I think that even if she spent 8 days a week with her grandparents, you’re still her mum and so she will always have an incredibly special bond/closeness with you
I don’t think anyone can tell you what the best thing to do is, but I’d say if you feel like going for it, you should. Thinking things over is great, but at the same time sometimes you have to go with what feels right. There’s definitely no correct answer, and like others have said already - I’m sure whatever happens will end up being right for you and you family
Child spacing and adding siblings to the mix really is such a head spinner and I can totally understand why you have been having a freak out.
I think there can be a lot of pressure externally, especially if everyone around you seems to have small gaps or the elusive ‘2 under 2.’
Summary
That’s certainly how I felt and spent most of the first year of my sons life wondering when my period would return so we could start trying. I was so desperate for them to be as close as possible.
We also got pregnant on our first attempt with our son, so was surprised when it took 4 cycles the second time. The age gap would have been changed 23 months, but it sadly ended in a MMC at 11 weeks.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how long it would take my body to heal from this and suddenly the urge of another child felt all consuming.
It took 6 cycles to finally get pregnant again (including a chemical) and our age gap now is just over 2.5 years.
This definitely wasn’t in my ‘ideal plan’ but after everything we went through I realise now you really can’t plan these things.
It honestly feels perfect, he is sweet with the new baby and is gaining more independence so I’m not completely stretched doing everything for both of them.
I definitely think your husband is right to just see how things go. It can be hard not to overthink things when so much of it feels out of your control or there’s so many factors weighing into it.
But you’ve said you’re both feeling clucky and excited to start trying, and hopefully it will happen quickly again for you.
I would say sleep is never linear so don’t factor that in too much!
And unfortunately the mum guilt never truly goes away, no matter the circumstance. I’m sure you have an amazing relationship with [name_f]Flora[/name_f] - don’t be so hard on yourself.
We have two girls 22 months apart. So here’s my 2 cents.
The biggest pros…
-Our oldest doesnt remember life without her sister
-Now they are 18 months and 3 yrs. They are starting to really play together and enjoy eachothers company
we never put away our baby things just ready then for the new baby.
The biggest cons…
-I feel I missed a lot of my first baby. I felt she was so grown when I got pregnant but now that we’ve been out a year and a half. I realize just how tiny she was and how much I had to miss being pregnant and having a new born.
Potty training while having a newborn was rough. Both are very time sensitive!
Thank you for your direct experience! The more I feel into it the more I want to wait. The potty training is a really good point and I feel like we are still working through some birth trauma and stuff and just need to be together right now (my daughter and I). [name_f]My[/name_f] fear is we wait till she’s say 18 months to start trying but then don’t get pregnant right away and the gap gets bigger and we get older… but I have to listen to my gut too and trust it will all work out. We’ll see how I feel during ovulation phase!!
Thanks so much everyone for your thoughts. It’s given me a lot to reflect on and I value your insight and kind words
I feel like I’m an oddity with age gaps at times. I’d love to have a child, and then a 4-5 year age gap before the next. I have two older brothers, one is 3 years older and one is just over a year older (if I was born 5 days earlier, it would be a year exactly). I’m definitely closer with my oldest brother and feel my other brother maybe wasn’t given his time in the sun as a little one growing up because I came along so fast and the first girl.
I’d ideally like to have my first child in preschool or kindergarten before introducing a sibling, that way both children get their baby/toddler years with a focus on them specifically as much as possible. The older one will be a little more independent and away during parts of the days etc. just feels like the right path for us.
Not sure how this will work out after struggling to have 1, we might be one and done, I don’t want to rush a second child but also just turned 33. Life can be complex.
I’m not a part of this group but I wanted to weigh in, if that’s okay. I have four children (7, 5.5, 3, and almost 18 months). [name_f]My[/name_f] first two are exactly 18 months apart and we wanted it that way. They are absolutely best friends and although the close age gap was hard to juggle, I’m so glad we did it that way. However, my oldest was nearly 6 when the baby was born and he dotes on her completely, always wants to help look after her, and they have a really special bond. I try to really include the older kids in “helping” with the baby and feel it’s gone well. So there are two very different age gaps with very different dynamics: the two who are totally best friends and share a room and so many interests and the 6 year gap between my oldest and youngest where she is princess of the house and he just adores her. So no matter your situation and age gap, I feel it’s determined a lot by the children themselves, the dynamic of the family, etc. It’s a very personal decision. But just know that two close together, for us, was very worthwhile but the larger age gap has been surprisingly nice too. So even if the gap is wider than you’d like, it can still be a wonderful bonding experience. Best wishes!
Thanks so much everyone for your reflections and apologies for derailing the thread!
To get it back on track… we had such a beautiful weekend and a moment arose on [name_f]Sunday[/name_f] so we decided to go for it. I’m fertile according to my app but my body wasn’t showing any ovulation signs so we’ll see. Also, we might be getting another dog the most gorgeous rescue boy has been offered to us as we have the same breed already and they’re a lot of work (kelpie x). He’s so divine he has a red coat and blue eyes and his name is [name_u]Jasper[/name_u] and oh my what are we thinking?! Bring on the chaos I guess…
We’re thinking about trying again next month. With my current cycle, our date to take a pregnancy test would be [name_u]Christmas[/name_u] day! That probably shouldn’t weigh into a decision to create life, but it does seem magical!
Getting pregnant is fun and so sexy 
bit he’s not the one who has to go through the pregnancy and birth, breastfeeding all night for years and all the mum guilt heh 
the most gorgeous rescue boy has been offered to us as we have the same breed already and they’re a lot of work (kelpie x). He’s so divine he has a red coat and blue eyes and his name is [name_u]Jasper[/name_u] and oh my what are we thinking?! Bring on the chaos I guess…