[name_f]My[/name_f] husband and I decided on a name and have loved this name for the past 4 years. I am currently in my second trimester.
However I have a friend who I occasionally text who I spent time with during my childhood and haven’t seen in person for probably the past 10 ish years. We follow each other on social media.
We live in different countries now and so likelihood of meeting up is basically impossible.
[name_f]My[/name_f] dilemma is that I realized browsing her social media is that she had a still birth at the end of her first trimester, 2ish years ago and named her little baby the same name we have chose.
I don’t want to cause her any pain as I know this was a very difficult time for her.
The name is fairly unique, although i have heard it a few times.
I don’t know if I should reach out to her or what to say. Please advise!
That’s a tricky one. If it’s unique but heard of or in the top 200-400, I don’t think it would be odd you using it - it just happened. I’d maybe recommend messaging her though, so at least she can prepare herself for seeing the name?
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It’s hard to say without knowing the name, because “fairly unique” is something subjective. Maybe fairly unique to you is something like Milo - which isn’t a name you’ve probably heard a lot in your life, but is actually in the 130 most popular baby names of 2021, and therefore wouldn’t be at all weird to use, or need an explanation.
I highly doubt your friend would think you “stole” her baby name if it was something that trendy and that popular for babies, especially since you two barely ever talk, and she’s never mentioned the name to you.
If the name is a lot more out-there, outside the top 250 for example, then maybe you can shoot her a message, like the previous poster suggested, and explain to her that you’ve loved this name for 4 years and that you only just found out about her stillbirth, and that it’s absolutely nothing personal.
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Perhaps it might help you to decide to envisage how you would feel about her possible reactions. If you explain the situation and she replies that she’d be in pain to hear you announce your baby as this name, since she lost her own, would that make the name unusable for you - or would you still use it? Are there other names you’d be able to use instead?
Given that you don’t have ‘real life’ contact with this person, I think if you’d still want to use the name no matter what, you should go ahead and name your baby this without running it by her. That way, you are not in a situation where you have asked and then ignored her wishes. However, if you care very much for her, and would not use a name that she does not want you to, even if it is your long held favourite, then go ahead and see how she feels. That’s my take on it and I hope that it helps.
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- was the 2155th most popular girls name and 2008th most popular boys name.
- In 2021 there were only 86 baby girls and only 73 baby boys named
Looking the name up this is what it says about popularity.
We are pretty set on the name having called the baby it all this time, and I don’t know if my husband would be willing to change the name since he’s never met or spoke with my friend, so they don’t have a connection. I just don’t know how to tell her or what to say, since I don’t want to be insensitive or cause her pain.
I don’t think you have any obligation to not use the name since you’re not very close with this person. But I personally would maybe message her just to prepare her since you do talk occasionally. I would be very careful to make it clear you are going to use the name. Don’t make it a question about how she feels about it or anything like that. I would just frame it as “We’re going to use this name and I wanted to let you know so you can mentally prepare for it before we announce it to everyone.” They always say don’t ask questions you don’t actually want to hear the answer to, so if you say “would it be ok if we use the name?” [name_u]Or[/name_u] something like that and then she says no, then you’d look bad for doing it anyway and it could really hurt her. So you don’t want to leave any leeway for her to think she could change your mind. Of course do so gently and let her know you do care about her, but just be direct at the same time.
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Thank you everyone for your advice, this has really been stressing me out as I want to approach her in the best way possible. Here is message I’ve composed to send her, any thoughts or changes you would recommend? I’m very nervous
Oh name__, I feel so stupid. We had talked about names the other day, and I mentioned that we’re pretty sure we have the name picked out, we’re just not telling anyone until they’re born, etc. But, I was browsing your Instagram page yesterday, and I hadn’t realized that your little boy has the same name. I feel really badly, and I didn’t want to blindside you with the name or cause you any hurt by using the same name. I just wanted you to know.
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Update; after spending the day thinking and praying about messaging her. I sent her a message similar to the one I posted above with a few edits.
Her reply had me in tears. [name_m]Just[/name_m] the sweetest and kindest reply. She thanked me for telling her?!? I’m just in shock, I was so nervous and it all just worked out so perfectly.
Thank you everyone for the advice!
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