So, my husband and I had always said that we would spank if it ever got that far, like a last resort. Well, my daughter, who is 14, came home from school and was slamming things around and pushing everybody’s buttons, on purpose. She had been acting up for a while so the hubby and I had just been talking her down, grounding her, just the normal punishments. After 30 minutes of her behavior I tried talking her down, she talked back, so I tried to send her to her room, she CURSED at me. Telling me to F off and that I wouldn’t do S***. That resulted in me immediately pulling her across my lap. She was still wearing jeans, I didn’t pull them down and I gave her probably like 20-25 moderate smacks. I feel bad because I was angry and I had never spanked her before. However, it’s been a couple days and she’s a little awkward around me but she hasn’t had her usual attitude. Was I wrong for spanking her? I have 4 kids (15, 14, 11, & 9) the only other one I’ve spanked was our 11yo & it’s because he was playing with fire when he was 7. So, out of 4 kids over 15 years we’ve only spanked twice. Thoughts?
[name_m]Hi[/name_m]
Many parents beat their children to impose discipline on them. By becoming violent with their kids, they unknowingly impose violent behavior and bad habits in their kids. There are many negative impacts of physical abuse which are established after carrying out several studies that includes: - anti – social behavior, aggression, depression and other types of mental disorders. Corporal punishment also affects relationships and affects human development as a whole. Is spanking is the only way to make your child behave well? Causing physical pain will only ruin your relationships with your children. [name_f]Do[/name_f] not beat her as the case may be. Try to solve all problems with patience. You have to incur good qualities in her and not the bad qualities.
I’ve come from a family that does use some physical punishments but very sparingly and in small doses. I wouldn’t do 25 but 1 slap as a wake up call always did it for me.
It’s never ok to spank someone. And it’s been proven that it doesn’t work, it just creates trust issues and violent behaviour.
Not a mom yet, but I have terrible experience with corporal punishment as a kid and to be honest, it ruined the relationship I have with my parents. We’re family who spend time together, love each other, etc, but they’re never my confidants. Never people I talk to about my problems and my dreams and frankly most things. I don’t blame my parents, because I know they grew up in the time while everyone think it’s normal to use violence to discipline kids. My mother used to say “I hurt you because I love you” a lot when I was younger and it’s the biggest bullshit I’ve ever heard in my life. Again, do I blame her? No, because I know she only repeated the words she heard from her own mother back then. It makes me sad though.
As a minor back then, it made me feel hopeless and alone. I don’t try to justify your daughter’s behaviour and I can understand why you were mad. I don’t want to blame you either because you clearly made it as a last effort and don’t make it a parenting habit at all (various corporal punishment were used in my case, not regularly, but many times over years, so that’s just different level).
What’s done is done. Apologise to her and talk, ask her what was wrong that day. Now that you’re both calmer, I hope everything can be resolved.
14 feels really old to me and at the age where I don’t think it would teach anything beneficial. Instead of grounding, I would probably take away things that she values (phone, makeup, etc.) and it can only be given back once her behavior improves.
Not a parent, but I got spanked once as a child and that was for running in the road on more than one occasion (to get to the ice cream truck). To my parents that was the last resort since I wasn’t stopping and I even did it after almost being hit by a car. I would probably only do it to my child (6 and under) in a same type of scenario where they are risking bodily harm/their life by not stopping the behavior.
when I was 13 I talked back to my mom and she slapped me so hard I fell over. you know what happened? I picked myself up and NEVER spoke to my mother that way again.
she didn’t spank or use that kind of punishment often, and SOMETIMES it can be the best way to get a point across. I have a great relationship with my mother, btw. yes it might be awkward right now, but you just proved that you will do something about it when she gets out of hand. I don’t see that as a bad thing.
I’d NEVER be violent to one of my kids. Violence is never the way. Prooven by many kids psychologists, it only creates more issues on kids. And then the kids will become violent.
Spanking is never a good option.
Yep, you were. ‘Teaching’ a child something is wrong by hitting them is not the way, and definitely not the way if you want them to learn by their actions. I have vivid memories of being hit by my mum (my dad never laid a finger on me).
I feel like 20-25 spanks is definitely too much, and the fact that she’s old enough to understand other forms of non-physical violence tells me that it was unnecessary. My parents used to spank me with the wooden spoon (rarely) but if I was ever a real terror, my dad would threaten me with a belt (he never actually used it, but the threat was enough). I still hate the sound of belts being pulled tight. Small things like that (even if its a rarity or only moderate) can really scar a kid. And being 14, I wouldn’t be surprised if she started pulling even further away from you.
I do not have an issue with spanking if two rules are followed,
- It is one spank done with your hand, 20-25 is extremely excessive
2 You are not angry when you spank. If you’re doing it out of anger than you are not using it as an appropriate disciplinary action, you are doing it because you are upset and angry, meaning you’ve lost control of your temper and emotions.
At 14 spanking probably isn’t the best form of punishment. I agree with a pp suggestion of taking away things that are privileges that your daughter likes, such as make-up, Internet, etc.
I am sure it would be difficult to remain calm when your son or daughter says something like that to you, I know even with my almost three year old sometimes I find myself having to walk away for a moment or two to calm myself in order to deal with her behavior in a rational manner.
Yes, but it isn’t too late to sit down with your daughter and make amends. She treated you very disrespectfully (unfortunately this is probably pretty normal for her age) but as the parent, you’ve got to work on modeling respectful behavior to her (even if she’s acting like a total brat). [name_f]Every[/name_f] mom loses her cool sometimes; I’d like to be better about not yelling at my kids when I get frustrated with them. Might be a good time to talk with her about how you’d like to have done things differently when you were both upset, and that everyone makes mistakes. Apologize for your actions, and ask that she think about hers and whether there’s something she’s able to do differently next time you have an argument.
Corporal punishment is illegal where I live and I think that’s the mark of a civilised country in the 21st century. There is nobody else that anyone would find it remotely socially acceptable to hit, so I have no idea why children, the most vulnerable members of our society, should be an exception.
My parents occasionally spanked me when I was a young child and although I don’t really blame them as they were just doing what was acceptable at the time, it was definitely not the right thing to do. I still remember how it made me feel and I never want my children to feel afraid of me like that. Not that I have the option because, as I say, it is illegal.
I’m 15. I have only just turned 15. If my mum was to bend me over her knee and try to spank me, I would laugh. [name_m]Even[/name_m] with children, I do think it’s wrong to spank because you’re teaching your child that it’s okay to hit. I think, the more effective way would be to take things away from her.
Well, I don’t advocate hitting people, but sometimes you have no choice. I’ve never spanked my four-year-old (so far) but I can see myself doing it if she does something really dangerous and won’t listen. I know it’s not okay to hit but spanking your child once is different from beating up your wife. My parents would sometimes (once or twice a year) spank me when I was 5-10 and being a real brat, and while I hated it then, I do understand them now when I’m a mom myself.
That being said, I don’t think it will teach your daughter something as she’s a teenager already. I think it only works with younger children, up to 8-9. I agree taking away her phone next time she misbehaves is a far better idea, or maybe you could ground her. I think you might want to tell her you’re sorry and have a good long talk about her behaviour and you worrying about her.
I’m not a mom, but I was a kid once and I am still a teenager. As a kid, I was spanked in spare situations where I was putting myself in risk or being extremely disrespectful to my parents. I was not spanked everyday, not even every month. It was not a daily thing. It didn’t create any psychological trauma, and I’m super close to my parents.
I’m a few years older than your daughter. And if my mom tried to spank me, I would be extremely pissed. I’m old enough, and your daughter is old enough, to understand with words. She is able to have a conversation with you on how she feels, on how you feel and on how you can fix this situation. She’s not a little girl anymore. You need to treat her like the age she actually is. You cannot spank her anymore. You have to talk her, and that is way harder than spanking. But, try it. It will pull you closer, instead of driving you away.
Hmm. A new user starts a thread on a controversial subject and doesn’t respond even after pages of replies. Troll, anyone?
Like you said, I’m new to this website, I didn’t realize I was supposed to respond. I just made this account to ask about that situation.
Thank you to everyone who gave their opinion, it made me realize that it was a bit harsh. I had talked to her more and did apologize for how I handled it. She hasn’t been talking like that but I don’t want it to be because she is afraid of me and I want her to be able to talk to me about personal things. She said she forgave me and did apologize for how she acted. After that situation, we grounded her for a week but I let her off the hook because the spanking was unecessary.
- [name_f]Ingrid[/name_f]
No, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Your child was very much over the line, and the consequence was deserved. At 14 they definitely should know better.
Smacking is not in itself bad, but motivation has a lot to do with it. If you strike a child merely in anger/aggression than its not really “smacking”, it’s pushing the boundaries of abuse. However, if smacking is a controlled consequence and not just lashing out at the child, I don’t have an issue with it. But that is a big responsibility of the adult to constantly monitor their motives and emotions.
As someone that had a father that was too happy to hand out a beating, I have a love hate relationship with smacking. For me, it is a last resort/worst consequence to deal out, but I do believe there is a place for it when a child is totally out of control.
She’s probably awkward because she got put in her place hard and fast. Maybe talk to her about it, and explain why you chose to give out the consequence you did.
Honestly, I think it’s such rubbish that smacking is instantly labelled as abuse these days. I know plenty of people that we smacked at children and they are all well balance, decent people. Smacking doesn’t screw people up - abuse does. And they’re not the same. I’ve had much more trouble with children who receive light/no discipline than those that know boundaries taught to them via smacking when appropriate. Verbal correction doesn’t work for every child. Some need stronger bounds.
I know a lot of people would disagree - but honestly, I need to ask… am I really the only one that has noticed a lot more ratty kids since smacking became a taboo thing…???
I have to agree with this. I hate to say that but my daughter is 4 and quite a lot of children we meet while out are spoiled brats. They won’t listen to their parents, they won’t do as they are told but they will scream and cry and hit their moms and roll around on the ground until they get what they want. Some of them know no boundaries at all.
I’m not saying all kids are like that because that’s not true. It’s just that there seem to be more spoiled kids than ever… Children must be taught some boundaries and sometimes you just don’t have any other choice but to spank them. It doesn’t mean you should beat them up all the time, it’s just smacking once or twice.