I always joked that I wanted to be 23 because that’s the age my mother was when she had me, and my grandmother was having my mum. I’ve always wanted kids and genuinely wanted and thought I would have them somewhere between 19-23. I’m 24 next month.
I started ttc-ing with my ex when I was 20. I have PCOS and it just wasn’t happening. It was such a hard time to go through, but it was bittersweet as that relationship ended. I already owned a house and had a stable job, I was engaged and so I thought the baby was next. I didn’t even consider whether I was happy or not (which I wasn’t.)
Whilst I’m glad I didn’t have a child with my ex, I am constantly mourning the loss of my dream to be a young mum. I know I am still young. But to me, that 19-23 bracket was when I definitely wanted my first child, and now I’m outside of that bracket I just feel…like I don’t know whats next. At first I told myself to live each day as it happens, but unfortunately I don’t have a very positive view of the future.
Was I ready to have a child then, if I had been with the right person? I think so. Originally, I thought perhaps not, since I struggle to look after myself most days. But the reason for my struggle is because I don’t feel as though I have a purpose - no reason to get up in the morning. If I had my own little person, my life would be devoted to them. I would do everything and anything to make sure they were safe, happy, and healthy. I think (and my mum always tells me this too,) that it really could have been the making of me.